New Brother Sister Incest Story, Would Love Feedback

[Priscilla_June]

Hello!

Just posted a new story that I am pretty proud of. I am trying to more and more get some critical feedback on my stories. It just posted today so the ratings are up and down (currently down ) but Id love to hear what yall think!

Looking for feedback on:
-style
-general flow
-story


https://literotica.com/s/conscripting-a-brothers-heart

 

[yukonnights]

Hello!

Just posted a new story that I am pretty proud of. I am trying to more and more get some critical feedback on my stories. It just posted today so the ratings are up and down (currently down ) but Id love to hear what yall think!

Looking for feedback on:
-style
-general flow
-story


https://literotica.com/s/conscripting-a-brothers-heart

Priscilla June, Just finished reading your story and left my feedback in a comment there. To answer your questions; I think the style was well done. The general flow was easy to follow and interesting as things unfolded. The story itself was believable — as in; I could envision just such a thing happening in this situation. I like the reluctance you put in for the brother, strongly showing that the sister was the one who pushed the situation. The story was also unique in it's setting and the dystopian part was easy to believe. All in all, I feel it deserves the 5 star rating I gave it.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Priscilla June, Just finished reading your story and left my feedback in a comment there. To answer your questions; I think the style was well done. The general flow was easy to follow and interesting as things unfolded. The story itself was believable — as in; I could envision just such a thing happening in this situation. I like the reluctance you put in for the brother, strongly showing that the sister was the one who pushed the situation. The story was also unique in it's setting and the dystopian part was easy to believe. All in all, I feel it deserves the 5 star rating I gave it.

Well thank you!!! Im glad it held your interest so well. It was a bit of a different pace for me and my first official brother x sister piece.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Would love some more feedback, would be cool if anyone has ideas why it is rated low.

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I’m happy to review for you!

 

[Priscilla_June]

I’m happy to review for you!

Would love that

 

[DrRKane]

Would love some more feedback, would be cool if anyone has ideas why it is rated low.

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s your setting. The stories that do well in I/T mostly seem to follow a pattern. Even the ones with sci-fi or fantasy elements are set in the real world.

 

[SeraphNocturne]

Alright, I finally had time to read through, and overall I believe it’s a well done piece. I personally enjoy almost anything written in a dystopian/struggling society genre so I had no hangups with that.

I did notice a handful of small typos your editor(s) missed, spelling errors mostly toward the beginning and a few instances of descriptive words that could surely be swapped out due to their repetition (vexed lost its appeal after the forth time read), but overall these issues are very minor. As in I don’t believe they’re serious enough to result in a drop of rating, or take away from the story.

As far as pacing… I feel the build-up here between Avery and Jax is brief, there’s little indication Avery has such lascivious feelings for her sibling before she just kind of… pounces. And she really goes for it, for a sorrowful virgin. I think the eager deep throat was unnecessary for their first encounter, it kind of veered off into porno by my standards. Not to say there’s anything wrong with that—I just feel it took away from the solemn, passionate desperation Avery had in the moment beforehand.

Likewise with how quickly things go from a slow, forbidden first time to Jax nearly plowing into her womb, yowch! I feel the realism was lost a bit in there, I have in my mind Avery is dainty and petite and has just lost her virginity, it struck me as unrealistic that she hasn’t bled and her discomfort fades so quickly, and topping that she cums from penetration and masochistic desires alone?

Again, most people are reading for the smut, that much I am aware, so don’t take my personal opinion to heart… but also, don’t be afraid at all to pace yourself and hold onto the emotional essence you’ve established. The sex is hot, it’s going its do is job regardless. If this was written as a slow and sensual first love making session I’d have melted over it.

I’m settled at a 4.5, but I’m posting 5 for you to boost your rating. I believe the quality of this story is better than the negative nancies who have down voted so harshly. Thank you for sharing with us!

 

[Priscilla_June]

Alright, I finally had time to read through, and overall I believe it’s a well done piece. I personally enjoy almost anything written in a dystopian/struggling society genre so I had no hangups with that.

I did notice a handful of small typos your editor(s) missed, spelling errors mostly toward the beginning and a few instances of descriptive words that could surely be swapped out due to their repetition (vexed lost its appeal after the forth time read), but overall these issues are very minor. As in I don’t believe they’re serious enough to result in a drop of rating, or take away from the story.

As far as pacing… I feel the build-up here between Avery and Jax is brief, there’s little indication Avery has such lascivious feelings for her sibling before she just kind of… pounces. And she really goes for it, for a sorrowful virgin. I think the eager deep throat was unnecessary for their first encounter, it kind of veered off into porno by my standards. Not to say there’s anything wrong with that—I just feel it took away from the solemn, passionate desperation Avery had in the moment beforehand.

Likewise with how quickly things go from a slow, forbidden first time to Jax nearly plowing into her womb, yowch! I feel the realism was lost a bit in there, I have in my mind Avery is dainty and petite and has just lost her virginity, it struck me as unrealistic that she hasn’t bled and her discomfort fades so quickly, and topping that she cums from penetration and masochistic desires alone?

Again, most people are reading for the smut, that much I am aware, so don’t take my personal opinion to heart… but also, don’t be afraid at all to pace yourself and hold onto the emotional essence you’ve established. The sex is hot, it’s going its do is job regardless. If this was written as a slow and sensual first love making session I’d have melted over it.

I’m settled at a 4.5, but I’m posting 5 for you to boost your rating. I believe the quality of this story is better than the negative nancies who have down voted so harshly. Thank you for sharing with us!

Thanks for the great feedback! Wonderful stuff actually. I think you are right, sometimes I have a tendencies to bleed the more rough elements into my story so perhaps that is where I went wrong here. Especially since I advertised this to be a brother x sister tender deflowering. I guess this is a continued lesson learned for me because I frequently insert small kinks that are beyond the actual theme of the story and in my 20/20 hindsight I see (or its pointed out to me) that it didn’t fit. So now that you have said it, I think you are right on the nose with the reason. I appreciate though the kind words and high rating thanks for all the feedback and taking time to read it.

 

[Priscilla_June]

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s your setting. The stories that do well in I/T mostly seem to follow a pattern. Even the ones with sci-fi or fantasy elements are set in the real world.

Interesting so basically don’t go for a make-believe land?

 

[DrRKane]

Interesting so basically don’t go for a make-believe land?

If you’re concerned about scoring higher, then probably. Each section has its own quirks and expectations, so if you diverge too far from them then it will reflect in your score.

That said, write what you like and your audience will find you.

 

[Priscilla_June]

If you’re concerned about scoring higher, then probably. Each section has its own quirks and expectations, so if you diverge too far from them then it will reflect in your score.

That said, write what you like and your audience will find you.

Very fair. I think I still gained a dozen followers from the story itself so that is a win. So many little niche elements to each category.

 

[DrunkenxWolf]

Hello!

Just posted a new story that I am pretty proud of. I am trying to more and more get some critical feedback on my stories. It just posted today so the ratings are up and down (currently down ) but Id love to hear what yall think!

Looking for feedback on:
-style
-general flow
-story


https://literotica.com/s/conscripting-a-brothers-heart

omg i love Incest. THe story was so hot and well written

 

[Priscilla_June]

omg i love Incest. THe story was so hot and well written

Thanks for the praise check out my other stuff as well.

 

[Djmac1031]

Just finished.

Overall, your writing style is fine. Technically I didn't see any major problems. A few typos, a few over used words, but I don’t take points off for that. This is, after all, an AMATEUR site. I think readers often forget that.

Story: generally I enjoyed the premise, and if anything, the dystopian setting makes the idea of the brother and sister connection more realistic than the usual "two bored siblings with raging hormones" you usually see.

That said, perhaps just a little more set up of their connection was in order. Make the reader truly understand their feelings.

Some of the language read a little like a romance novel to me. This is simply a personal thing though, maybe because I'm a guy, I found some of it a little corny.

But it wasn't terrible or painfully bad, so don't take it that way.

Only real complaint: it seemed like it just...stopped.

Are you planning a sequel? If so, you should have informed readers.

If not, it needed a more cohesive ending.

Oh! The rough sex stuff. Yeah, seemed a little out of place in a virgin first time story. It's also very sudden. Why does an inexperienced virgin know a slap will get her off?

Nothing wrong with that route, but needs more setup.

Overall though, I really enjoyed the story. Just wanted to know what happens to both of them.

Great job. Look forward to seeing more from you.

 

[JusticeGrey]

It was a surprisingly believable premise in the world you imagined. I'm never going to criticize for a lack of setup, as that's what I struggle with the most. I agree that the rough sex stuff was a little jarring (personally not my usual cup of tea, but that doesn't matter), but I thought her reaction to the initial slap hinted at her proclivity in a thought-out way. I might have liked a little more insights into Avery's experience as she was with her brother, as it seemed mostly from his POV. Definitely keep writing and letting us in on your fantasies!