Needs versus Wants

[MissTaken]

Millions of people in the US have chalked up exhorbitant credit card debt as a result of "wants." Getting what you want isn't always the best answer.

In terms of our relationships, it is good to have an idea what you really need in the O/one versus what you want. Making a list of these expectations is helpful to the potential O/one as well as yourself. Many relationships fall apart because one or the other partner has what they want, but can't find what they need in their partner.

So, give it some thought. Tel me,

What do you need in your O/one?
in your relationship with your O/one?

What do you want in your O/one?
in the relationship with your O/one?

As for me, in making such a list, my needs could be met within the context of BDSM or without. I need an exchange of respect, communication and trust, first and foremost. I need strength in my partner. Not all strong men are Dominants, correct?

It is my list of wants that brings me to this place.

 

[FungiUg]

Hmmm... I have struggled with this one myself, since I was in a relationship with someone I loved when I started experimenting with D/s in real life.

I think for me, a relationship has to be nurturing, fulfilling, supportive and unconfining. And the person (or people) in the relationship need to be people I love.

Simple to say, hard to do.

 

[SilkVelvet]

Sometimes it is easier to acknowledge and go for wants and not the needs though.

Often incredibly hard too, to say to another person I NEED x especially if someone else may not be able to fulfill that in a relationship with you.

 

[Justina123]

I have heard many submissives state that they do not "need" anyone or anything, they are strong and independent women and give their submission because they "want" to, etc

I understand this on one plane. I, too, am a strong, independent, successful career woman and single mom, etc. etc. But I have come to understand that I do need a loving Dominant in my life- yes, "need". I can survive without one, but I will not feel fulfilled and complete.

And I learned this in another way 2 nights ago. At 2 a.m. my phone rang to tell me my 18 year old son had been taken to the Emergency Room after being in a car accident. The next few hours were hell, though thankfully my son will recover fully. I needed Sir that night in a big way. Unfortunately, he does not live in my city, but I phoned him and he made an "unscheduled" trip to be with me. His calm and protection and yes, take charge personality were a Godsend. I have other friends and family I could have called, but the one I needed was Him, because he knows me so well and knew just when I needed firm handling, when I needed a shouder to cry on, when I needed to be told to get my emotions under control, etc. etc. . I could have survived that night and the last couple days without Him; but I would not have wanted to.

Sir does not give me everything I think I "want"- but He knows what I need. I am this day a very thankful lady.

- justina

 

[lark sparrow]

Interesting question. I've never seriously made a list, and tend to think that my wants and needs are fluid and changing. Sometimes we say we want or need something but we never choose it, so I am going to go on experience here.

Although the people I have been partnered with have been vastly different in some cases, there are characteristics that come up over and over that I am aware of. Some characteristics are balancers, or my near opposite, and some of them are shared qualities from my long(er)-term relationships, but no doubt many of my needs and strong wants are found within, however easy or challenging I may find them... sometimes by what we are, and sometimes by what we are not.

Although I would not return to any of my past individual relationships, I also wouldn't erase any of them, and although I don't mean it in crass terms, I do believe that mr or ms. "right", can be mr or ms. "right now" and have equal value. I suppose someone could argue that until you find someone that you stay with "forever" and never want or need another, your needs are not truly being met, but I tend to disagree. While I have nothing against staying with someone for the rest of my life, there will always be change, including in needs and strong desires, I believe. Sometimes we say and feel that a relationship ended because it didn't meet our needs, and while that may be true in one sense, in another it was exactly what we needed to recognize and move on to the next level.

One of my needs at this point is an open (as in recognized and acknowledged), fixed (as in a constant dynamic) and ongoing (long-term) D/s relationship which includes SM as one of our main sexual outlets, and sharing a deep love. I'm fortunate to have this! But most, if not all relationships come with their own set of challenges, and I think we would be hard-pressed to find one person who met every single one of our needs. They may meet our needs for a primary relationship, but those are not the only needs people have.

And I agree, not all strong men are dominants, because there is a world of strong men (and women) who identify as submissive.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting topic. I was advised by my male gynacologist following my divorce 14 years ago to take the time to write down the qualities I most needed to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship and then never settle for less. Partly as an experiment I followed his advice after careful consideration and soul searching and included honesty, strength and depth, intelligence, ethics, strong values and beliefs not necessarily my own, compassion, genuine love, and an ability to see things from another perspective. Impossible huh?!!

For a time the list was uppermost in my mind each time I dated someone even though I thought it a long shot to find 'the one'. Over time I decided I was happy on my own, much happier than in a bad relationship, and if it was not possible to have my needs met then I would be safer on my own. Though the list was not a conscious thing in my life anymore, realising the value it had as a relationship direction tool I often suggested the concept to counselling clients.

Last year I met and married my Master. From the moment we communicated he seemed like no other. I didn't give the list a thought. Recently while I was packing up my life in my home country to move to his at last, I rediscovered the forgotten list of needs for a relationship to survive and be fulfilling for me. Imagine my surprise when I purused the list to find my darling Master qualified on all 20 points I listed so long ago.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

Just from a different point of view on the list concept, my ex-wife also had a "list", and yes I qualified on every point. (She never showed me the list, but she did mention some of the things on them.) So I guess a list isn't everything. At the same time, our relationship, while it lasted, wasn't an unhappy one.

So I think knowing what you want/need out of a relationship is important, yes.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

Just from a different point of view on the list concept, my ex-wife also had a "list", and yes I qualified on every point. (She never showed me the list, but she did mention some of the things on them.) So I guess a list isn't everything. At the same time, our relationship, while it lasted, wasn't an unhappy one.

So I think nowing what you want/need out of a relationship is important, yes.

Ah, but was her list one of wants or needs? I find wants are more easily changed over time whereas needs tend to be more core of the soul stuff that relates to everything you are in either your brightest or darkest moments. That being said, it is only my interpretation of the terms and others will rightly disagree based on their own experiences and concepts.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

Well, I don't know, because she never told me what was on the list. But I do know one thing. The list was probably missing something that should have been on it: "woman".

 

[AvaAdore]

hmm...interesting topic.

needs in a relationship. definately, one thing i need is to have trust, and be able to talk to the person openly.

sexually, i would want the person to be adventurous and to like to try new things. at this point in my life, there are many things i have not tried and would like to experiment with. i dont know if it's a need. with respect to life experience, i suppose it is. perhaps later in life it will not be so important to me.

BDSM is quite important to me. i dont need to (or necessarily want to - though i'd be open to trying) have a 24/7 situation, but every so often, i do need my "fix". afterwords i feel very relaxed, happy, and satisfied. i just need to be topped every so often!