need some advice

[Down_UnderKid]

Hey people i need some help.

Last year around august my gf was having issues with her work, not wanting to go into work (because it upset her/was depressing work) gaming/bar work. It got to the point one day where she wouldnt get out of bed and had to force her in the car to get to work.
I told her that she could resign if she promised me she would go out and apply everywhere she could to get another job.
We have our own home that relied on 2 incomes (mine just covers mortgage and bills etc) which made repayments and saving possible
That was in September...fast forward to now and she still doesn't have a job and we are struggling/starting to run out of money. If it wasn't for her parents giving us money (which im not too happy about) we would have had to sell up.
I've tried talking to her about it but she just starts crying and then we go nowhere.
She does apply to some jobs but wants a job she doesn't have a lot of experience in. She has had interviews but not many.
She tried to get the dole but apparently I earn too much which is bullshit.
We are supposed to be getting married in April, but wont be going on a honey moon because we cant afford it because she isn't working.
How else can I approach her about this, because its been affecting my work (i work with my parents and they are concerned about my health and im just not happy) and i am starting to question the relationship because of it.
does that sound selfish? I'm doing my head in over this and argue with myself everyday about it.

 

[fgarvb1]

First.

She isn't exhibiting normal behavior.

Get her some professional help.

 

[Ropebunny]

Has your girlfriend seen a doctor or counsellor about this depression? If not it sounds like that is the very first thing that needs to happen. I hate to break it to you but expecting a depressed person to be pro-active about finding a job is totally wishful thinking.

You've said a lot about how hard this is for you and I get that. Being in a relationship with a depressed person is a fuck-ton of work and hurt and it's easy to lose sight of how things once were.

The best way to approach getting help is sitting down and telling her how worried you are about her. Do NOT talk about yourself and how you are feeling! Make it about her. Hold her, brush the hair out of her eyes and tell her how much you love her and miss seeing her happy and fulfilled. Tell her you've made an appointment with her GP, take her there and offer to go in with her.

Good luck.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

What fgarvb1 said. She sounds like she has clinical depression which is a serious problem. You need to get her some professional help and get it started NOW! I am not a medical professional so take my advice for what you think it is worth.

Were she my special lady I would insist if necessary to get her some mental health help. Stop reassuring her about anything except going to see the doctor. Put all else on hold until the Doc says you can proceed. It may take a while, suck up and deal, after all you are dealing with the woman you love. Getting her better is the most important thing you can do. Everything else is incidental.

Mike

 

[Down_UnderKid]

thanks for the replies so far, honestly i dont think she is depressed, but thats from my perspective.
i think she has confidence issues and a lack of "female work ethic" in the family ie
mum is stay at home mum, as are her 2 sisters.

 

[LadyVer]

You need to tell her that you need a partner that pulls their weight. Depression is not a viable excuse after months of not doing much when you're carrying the load. You are her partner, not her father. Give her a reasonable date to get her shit together and get a job, then stick to the date.

 

[LadyVer]

Rain, I hear what you're saying about depression and it's understandable.As someone who lost a brother to suicide and who has dealt with depression myself I have different views. My belief is that life is hard. Depression is treatable, but one still has to eat and pay bills. It's too easy to use depression as a way from dealing with life and let others pick up the slack. After a certain amount of time, one has to face life and move forward.

 

[blulilacgrl]

thanks for the replies so far, honestly i dont think she is depressed, but thats from my perspective.
i think she has confidence issues and a lack of "female work ethic" in the family ie
mum is stay at home mum, as are her 2 sisters.

Believe or not depression can take many forms. I know many think of it as just not being able to get out of bed. But it can also manifest as not being able to gather your thoughts, stay organized, handle more than a single activity at a time, abusing alcohol, engaging in risky sexual behavior and all the way to being unable to manage money/going on spending sprees (really bad if you are on a budget and can't afford it). At some levels depression can even mimic ADD.

Look at it this way. Getting her to see someone doesn't hurt. The most it does is take a little time. She goes in and is evaluated and the Dr. says she is fine she just wants to be a stay at home mom. Then you know what you are dealing with and the two of you can sit down and decide if you have corresponding long term goals and views. You can even talk about what needs to be done financially in order for that goal to be met.

OR the Dr says she is depressed. He/She can then begin to work with your girlfriend to help her manage this episode and figure out if this is a one time thing or a chronic condition. Again something that the two of you will need to sit down and discuss as it will affect your future together. The two of you will need to figure out how to work together with this new dynamic within the relationship.

So it really isn't a loss for her to get checked out, is it?

Good luck!

 

[Christopher2012]

Rain, I hear what you're saying about depression and it's understandable.As someone who lost a brother to suicide and who has dealt with depression myself I have different views. My belief is that life is hard. Depression is treatable, but one still has to eat and pay bills. It's too easy to use depression as a way from dealing with life and let others pick up the slack. After a certain amount of time, one has to face life and move forward.

Woah waoh.... are you absolutely SURE that you have dealt with depression? Because if you have, you'd know that your mindset is 100% WRONG.

When somebody *moves forward* in life, the depression goes with them. It's a day-by-day battle. Depression is treatable but that doesn't mean it's necessarily curable. There's no such thing as "after a certain amount of time" when it comes to this condition.

 

[LadyVer]

Woah waoh.... are you absolutely SURE that you have dealt with depression? Because if you have, you'd know that your mindset is 100% WRONG.

When somebody *moves forward* in life, the depression goes with them. It's a day-by-day battle. Depression is treatable but that doesn't mean it's necessarily curable. There's no such thing as "after a certain amount of time" when it comes to this condition.

Chris, I said treatable. Some are curable, some aren't. I disagree with your last statement. Anyway, everyone has their own opinions about depression and we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

[Christopher2012]

Chris, I said treatable. Some are curable, some aren't. I disagree with your last statement. Anyway, everyone has their own opinions about depression and we'll have to agree to disagree.

Okay, well then I disagree with you. It's my opinion that you've never dealt with depression.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I think what LadyVer is trying to say (and please excuse if I am wrong LadyVer) is that when you have a condition like depression, especially if it is something that is chronic, you cannot use that as an excuse. It means that you need to be aware of your moods, triggers and you have to take your meds.

It is no different than someone with diabetes. You can't have diabetes and eat a ton of sugar and then say "well it's not my fault I had an episode.... I have diabetes". Uh no it doesn't work that way. You are aware of your condition, which means you need to be vigilant about the conditions in your life. You have to take every precaution you can. Not everything can be accounted for but you can still do your level best. For example you can't know that you have clinical depression and the abuse alcohol or refuse to take your meds and act surprised or confused as to why things never get better.

You have to take responsibility for your actions, assume responsibility for your mental health and then do everything in your power to maintain an equilibrium that allows you to live a full and productive life.

At least that's how I took her post.

 

[LadyVer]

I think what LadyVer is trying to say (and please excuse if I am wrong LadyVer) is that when you have a condition like depression, especially if it is something that is chronic, you cannot use that as an excuse. It means that you need to be aware of your moods, triggers and you have to take your meds.

It is no different than someone with diabetes. You can't have diabetes and eat a ton of sugar and then say "well it's not my fault I had an episode.... I have diabetes". Uh no it doesn't work that way. You are aware of your condition, which means you need to be vigilant about the conditions in your life. You have to take every precaution you can. Not everything can be accounted for but you can still do your level best. For example you can't know that you have clinical depression and the abuse alcohol or refuse to take your meds and act surprised or confused as to why things never get better.

You have to take responsibility for your actions, assume responsibility for your mental health and then do everything in your power to maintain an equilibrium that allows you to live a full and productive life.

At least that's how I took her post.

Pretty close.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Pretty close.

[laughs]

Phew.

 

[Christopher2012]

I think what LadyVer is trying to say (and please excuse if I am wrong LadyVer) is that when you have a condition like depression, especially if it is something that is chronic, you cannot use that as an excuse. It means that you need to be aware of your moods, triggers and you have to take your meds.

It is no different than someone with diabetes. You can't have diabetes and eat a ton of sugar and then say "well it's not my fault I had an episode.... I have diabetes". Uh no it doesn't work that way. You are aware of your condition, which means you need to be vigilant about the conditions in your life. You have to take every precaution you can. Not everything can be accounted for but you can still do your level best. For example you can't know that you have clinical depression and the abuse alcohol or refuse to take your meds and act surprised or confused as to why things never get better.

You have to take responsibility for your actions, assume responsibility for your mental health and then do everything in your power to maintain an equilibrium that allows you to live a full and productive life.

At least that's how I took her post.

No, using depression as an excuse is NOTHING like using diabetes as an excuse. How can you tell somebody who is depressed to TAKE ACTION and be on top of their therapy when the whole nature of the condition is, in part, an inability to take action?

Here's a question for you...

How does a ball with no momentum move if no force is acted upon it? It can't.

A person who is not able to cope because of their depression cannot be judged because they cannot properly take action. If they could take action, wouldn't that mean that they weren't depressed in the first place?

I've taken antidepressants. They aren't helpful. I haven't gone to therapy (as everybody on this board already knows). But I should.

So that brings up my next point... Is laziness a mental disorder? Hmm... I dunno... if it is, then I most CERTAINLY have it. Maybe I can be the first to get diagnosed and guidelines for mental disorders will name the condition after my last name. That'd be cool.

 

[LadyVer]

Chris, if a depressed person were in a situation where they had the choice to stay in a burning house or leave it to live, what do you think they would choose to do?

 

[Christopher2012]

Chris, if a depressed person were in a situation where they had the choice to stay in a burning house or leave it to live, what do you think they would choose to do?

That's the worst hypothetical question I've ever seen used for argument's sake.

 

[LadyVer]

That's the worst hypothetical question I've ever seen used for argument's sake.

My point is they would get the hell out of the burning house. They may be depressed, but it doesn't mean they're an idiiot. The last thing any person with an illness, especially depression, needs is too much sympathy. Empathy is one thing, too much sympathy is another.

 

[blulilacgrl]

No, using depression as an excuse is NOTHING like using diabetes as an excuse. How can you tell somebody who is depressed to TAKE ACTION and be on top of their therapy when the whole nature of the condition is, in part, an inability to take action?

Here's a question for you...

How does a ball with no momentum move if no force is acted upon it? It can't.

A person who is not able to cope because of their depression cannot be judged because they cannot properly take action. If they could take action, wouldn't that mean that they weren't depressed in the first place?

I've taken antidepressants. They aren't helpful. I haven't gone to therapy (as everybody on this board already knows). But I should.

So that brings up my next point... Is laziness a mental disorder? Hmm... I dunno... if it is, then I most CERTAINLY have it. Maybe I can be the first to get diagnosed and guidelines for mental disorders will name the condition after my last name. That'd be cool.

I haven't said anything about judgment nor laziness. However, as I bolded part of your post. If you know that you are depressed and refuse to seek help then you at least have to take responsibility for it. Much like the person who has diabetes and choses to not take their insulin, eat poorly and suffer the effects.

As to the antidepressants, there is a whole wide range of medication that can be used and without therapy I would hazard a guess that perhaps (I say perhaps because I am not a doctor) you have not found the proper medication, combination or dosage. I would urge you to find a doctor you feel comfortable with and pursue the different options.

 

[Christopher2012]

My point is they would get the hell out of the burning house. They may be depressed, but it doesn't mean they're an idiiot. The last thing any person with an illness, especially depression, needs is too much sympathy. Empathy is one thing, too much sympathy is another.

Right but here's the thing....

The person jumps up and out of the house. Fortunately, they survive!

Okay but still... the depression didn't stay in the house. That person still is depressed. Maintaining a job is a lot different than escaping a burning house. And actually, people do get so depressed that they die. How about people who get addicted to drugs, people who go on rampages, people who take their own lives?

Depression is a spectrum disorder. If I (personally) have depression, then it's obviously not bad enough to where I cannot hold a job or fail financially. But it affects nearly EVERY other aspect of my life.

Am I diagnosed with depression? No, but I'm pretty sure that I have depression. I am actually, in fact, 100% lazy. It's a serious problem. I don't even want to hook up a microwave in my apartment. I don't even want to go buy food for my apartment. I literally have a couch, a chair, my TV, my video games, a bed, and multiple different alcoholic beverages in my apartment. That's it. I have one entire room (and bathroom) that I don't even use. They are absolutely empty.

I'm pretty sure I know a little about what depression is like. I rarely leave the apartment EXCEPT to go to work.

 

[Christopher2012]

I haven't said anything about judgment nor laziness. However, as I bolded part of your post. If you know that you are depressed and refuse to seek help then you at least have to take responsibility for it. Much like the person who has diabetes and choses to not take their insulin, eat poorly and suffer the effects.

As to the antidepressants, there is a whole wide range of medication that can be used and without therapy I would hazard a guess that perhaps (I say perhaps because I am not a doctor) you have not found the proper medication, combination or dosage. I would urge you to find a doctor you feel comfortable with and pursue the different options.

Well I am a doctor.... I have a doctorate in pharmacy. And I know that there is no drug on the market that will help me (except maybe Cymbalta, actually).

 

[blulilacgrl]

Well I am a doctor.... I have a doctorate in pharmacy. And I know that there is no drug on the market that will help me (except maybe Cymbalta, actually).

Then you still have to accept responsibility for not going to therapy and doing what needs to be done. Notice I am not judging you. That is how you choose to live your life, meh... it's your life. But by the same token where you to complain to me about being depressed, I would simply remind you that you have options you simply choose not to utilize them.

 

[Christopher2012]

Then you still have to accept responsibility for not going to therapy and doing what needs to be done. Notice I am not judging you. That is how you choose to live your life, meh... it's your life. But by the same token where you to complain to me about being depressed, I would simply remind you that you have options you simply choose not to utilize them.

What is "accepting responsibility"? Doesn't that really mean "accepting the repercussions of not going to therapy"? Because the truth is, I have absolutely no responsibility to do anything.

And again, isn't that the whole nature of depression?

BTW, I've never complained about being depressed. I don't even think I've ever said that I was depressed on this board. This might be the first time.

 

[blulilacgrl]

What is "accepting responsibility"? Doesn't that really mean "accepting the repercussions of not going to therapy"? Because the truth is, I have absolutely no responsibility to do anything.

And again, isn't that the whole nature of depression?

BTW, I've never complained about being depressed. I don't even think I've ever said that I was depressed on this board. This might be the first time.

Wow. That's a good question. I guess for me, 'accepting responsibility means one doesn't get to complain and doesn't get to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, But then again that's my definition. *

But I would disagree with you about the nature of depression. If you see my above ([laughs] probably by now waaaay above post) depression can take many different forms.

* for clarification this is when one is diagnosed with depression. Saying one are depressed without a clear diagnosis I feel gets a bit murky.

 

[Christopher2012]

Wow. That's a good question. I guess for me, 'accepting responsibility means one doesn't get to complain and doesn't get to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, But then again that's my definition.

But I would disagree with you about the nature of depression. If you see my above ([laughs] probably by now waaaay above post) depression can take many different forms.

Okay, well I'm talking about the type of depression that takes on the form of the one that the OP's girlfriend seemingly has.