need some advice

[Christopher2012]

Wow. That's a good question. I guess for me, 'accepting responsibility means one doesn't get to complain and doesn't get to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, But then again that's my definition. *

But I would disagree with you about the nature of depression. If you see my above ([laughs] probably by now waaaay above post) depression can take many different forms.

* for clarification this is when one is diagnosed with depression. Saying one are depressed without a clear diagnosis I feel gets a bit murky.

There are clear and definitive guidelines for depression from the American Psychiatric Association.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Okay, well I'm talking about the type of depression that takes on the form of the one that the OP's girlfriend seemingly has.

There are clear and definitive guidelines for depression from the American Psychiatric Association.

However depression can be part of a larger diagnosis (for example bipolar~ which contains a very large spectrum) and as such can run the gamut of symptoms.

I have seen people with depression who have the what is considered "normal" symptoms of being unable to get out of bed. While I seen others who (some would call it self medicating) handle it with shopping sprees, having inappropriate sexual escapades, and/or abusing alcohol. While still others seem to be normal just disorganized and unable to maintain coherent thought processes for prolonged periods of time.

Some of these were depressed either in a stand alone (what would be considered a one time, stress induced situation), chronic clinical depression and/or bipolar (a chemical imbalance which is then treated with long term medication and therapy). Without a proper diagnosis one can't be sure of what one is dealing with. Which is why I advocated for her to go to a doctor and be evaluated.

 

[Christopher2012]

However depression can be part of a larger diagnosis (for example bipolar~ which contains a very large spectrum) and as such can run the gamut of symptoms.

I have seen people with depression who have the what is considered "normal" symptoms of being unable to get out of bed. While I seen others who (some would call it self medicating) handle it with shopping sprees, having inappropriate sexual escapades, and/or abusing alcohol. While still others seem to be normal just disorganized and unable to maintain coherent thought processes for prolonged periods of time.

Some of these were depressed either in a stand alone (what would be considered a one time, stress induced situation), chronic clinical depression and/or bipolar (a chemical imbalance which is then treated with long term medication and therapy). Without a proper diagnosis one can't be sure of what one is dealing with. Which is why I advocated for her to go to a doctor and be evaluated.

I agree... but again, vicious cycle.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I agree... but again, vicious cycle.

True, but again it is a vicious cycle unless or until you seek help. Until such time one has to accept responsibility for their actions (i.e. not seeking help).

 

[Christopher2012]

Anyway, I hope the OP is getting something out of all this to help him with his situation!

Another How To thread de-railment! lol

How is it "de-railed"? It's personal experience with how this condition affects the lives of those who have it? And it also fights the mindset of "Oh, just get over it" which is ridiculous.

My advice is to not marry the chick. Who knows if she'll ever get her life straight?

 

[blulilacgrl]

A key thing with those suffering mental illness is actually recognising and taking the initial steps to get help. Many can not take that step, or don't have the supports, motivations to do so, or even the opportunities or healthcare systems in place in their communities to do so.

Mental illness can not be compared to diabetes or any other physical illness. Mental illness at it's worst (and even at it's mildest) is it's own beast and robs it's owner of many (if not all) aspects of rational and constructive decision making abilities and/or motivations around their problem.

For many people depression is a life long beast, and there is no simple "insulin" that is going to keep them alive and functioning or keep them asymptomatic. Let alone able to maintain the thought space to continue to take that "insulin."

As for too much sympathy. *sigh* Understanding someone's illness and supporting someone you love is not affording them "too much sympathy" or allowing them an "easy excuse" to not take responsibility for themselves or live up to whatever end of the bargain you think they should be living up to! It is simply understanding and accepting that they have a serious, debilitating and complicated illness that has no simple solution and being there to support and understand them in the best way you can.

I would hope my husband would have "too much sympathy" for me if I ever needed it, no matter how frustrating it might feel for him at times. He'd still be the luckier one.

Trust me I completely understand the beast of depression. But I must disagree with the notion that there is no medication for it. There is a wide variety of medication designed to treat depression. The hardest part is not the finding of medication (although you are right in that it is not a simple solution**), it is the finding the right combination, the proper dosage and the most important part ~ taking it every day (even when one feels better. That is at times a grueling and time consuming process.

That being said again you are correct in that (and I never disagreed with this) there is no replacing a strong support network. They can provide a clear a rational basis upon which to gauge one's own emotional highs and lows as well as provide stability that can be crucial when one suffers from a condition that makes emotional stability something that is often fleeting.

My point has simply been that when one is diagnosed with depression, one assumes the responsibility of that diagnosis. I have a certain degree of sympathy for those who are struggling to actively combat and deal with it. But sadly I have very little sympathy for those who instead refuse treatment and use their depression as a reason or a justification for bad behavior.


**the one thing I never say is that something is simple or easy. Most things in life are hard. If it were easy people wouldn't need help or advice, they would do them without prompting.

 

[bigbritish]

Sounds like a tough situation. I'd get rid of her. I could say all kinds of things to try and lead you there but I'll just make it sweet: get rid of her she sounds like a horrible person to marry. What woman wants a wedding without a honeymoon? Doesn't she have any dignity? I just watched this crazy documentary on DMT, so I've got a pretty open mind right now and I just feel like no -- there's nothing realistic about it.

 

[Christopher2012]

But again, we're talking about the mind. The mind is the driving force of taking action. If the starter doesn't work on a car, the car cannot drive. If the mind isn't healthy and cannot provide the motivation to move forward, then how can you say that the person is at fault and holds the responsibility.

It's EASY for you to say to take action if you have never felt the lack of motivation. But trust me, the lack of motivation is one of the hardest symptoms to overcome.

You think medication can help that? HA! You're putting your trust in huge companies that make BANK off of your illness? Yeah right. Straight up, there is not a drug for every problem.

Natural health cannot be created. Happiness is a product of natural mental health. We are no where near advanced enough to recreate natural mental health.

 

[blulilacgrl]

But again, we're talking about the mind. The mind is the driving force of taking action. If the starter doesn't work on a car, the car cannot drive. If the mind isn't healthy and cannot provide the motivation to move forward, then how can you say that the person is at fault and holds the responsibility.

It's EASY for you to say to take action if you have never felt the lack of motivation. But trust me, the lack of motivation is one of the hardest symptoms to overcome.

You think medication can help that? HA! You're putting your trust in huge companies that make BANK off of your illness? Yeah right. Straight up, there is not a drug for every problem.

Natural health cannot be created. Happiness is a product of natural mental health. We are no where near advanced enough to recreate natural mental health.

Again... I have never said it is easy. It fact it is hard as all fuck! Trust me I know. I have struggled with it for... hold on let me do the math... 24 years.

I have spent years working with behavior modification, different therapists, psychologists & psychiatrists, and tweaking medications and dosages. It is grueling, heart wrenching and certainly there are times I want to throw up my hands and say 'fuck it all and damn me to hell!'. BUT the fact is, this is a part of me. And if I want to live a full and productive life this is something that I must deal with and find a way to get a handle on. I cannot (not only for my well being but for the well being of my family) neglect my responsibility to maintain my mental and emotional equilibrium to the very best of my ability.

 

[bigbritish]

Again... I have never said it is easy. It fact it is hard as all fuck! Trust me I know. I have struggled with it for... hold on let me do the math... 24 years.

I have spent years working with behavior modification, different therapists, psychologists & psychiatrists, and tweaking medications and dosages. It is grueling, heart wrenching and certainly there are times I want to throw up my hands and say 'fuck it all and damn me to hell!'. BUT the fact is, this is a part of me. And if I want to live a full and productive life this is something that I must deal with and find a way to get a handle on. I cannot (not only for my well being but for the well being of my family) neglect my responsibility to maintain my mental and emotional equilibrium to the very best of my ability.

You sound like a wreck

 

[Christopher2012]

Again... I have never said it is easy. It fact it is hard as all fuck! Trust me I know. I have struggled with it for... hold on let me do the math... 24 years.

I have spent years working with behavior modification, different therapists, psychologists & psychiatrists, and tweaking medications and dosages. It is grueling, heart wrenching and certainly there are times I want to throw up my hands and say 'fuck it all and damn me to hell!'. BUT the fact is, this is a part of me. And if I want to live a full and productive life this is something that I must deal with and find a way to get a handle on. I cannot (not only for my well being but for the well being of my family) neglect my responsibility to maintain my mental and emotional equilibrium to the very best of my ability.

Ah see, you DO have responsibility. You have responsibility to other people - your family. I don't have responsibility to anyone. So you do, in fact, have a driving force. There's something in your life that pushes you to get help. Otherwise, other people in your life suffer. Nobody suffers from my depression except me.

We can go back and forth on this. The sad thing is that there isn't really a solution.

I guess you're arguing more about depression itself, whereas I'm more thinking about the lack of motivation specifically. The lack of motivation is by far the worst part because it's the sole force of any decision you make.

So back to the original poster's question, which I'm going to steal, is "How do you fix the lack of motivation?" We're not talking about depression. How do you fix the lack of motivation. Drugs won't do it. I know they won't. Because the person actually has to be motivated enough to try.

 

[Christopher2012]

You sound like a wreck

The fuck?

 

[LadyVer]

You sound like a wreck

This is the How To forum, not the General Board.

 

[Christopher2012]

Okay, so here's what I'm trying to help me with my overall lack of motivation. I believe the OP's girlfriend has simply the lack of motivation to do something productive.

For me, it seems like I need a sudden rush of confidence from doing something A. Productive and B. I enjoy and am interested in. I posted a thread about building a computer. That will be a learning experience, it's productive, and it's something that I think I will enjoy doing.

Then I'm thinking about possibly creating commentary videos for Youtube.

Hopefully, this builds and builds into me being a more productive and MOTIVATED person. It might be a long shot, but it's worth a shot. Maybe the OP's girlfriend just needs to find something that she REALLY enjoys and just working hard at it. Maybe then she'll land a job and become productive to her family and future marriage.

I dunno... Does anybody else have a better answer than "Go to your doc"?

 

[blulilacgrl]

So back to the original poster's question, which I'm going to steal, is "How do you fix the lack of motivation?" We're not talking about depression. How do you fix the lack of motivation. Drugs won't do it. I know they won't. Because the person actually has to be motivated enough to try.

Again good question. I would say that the OP's girlfriend has a responsibility not only to herself but to the OP and their future as a couple (and children as they are getting married and I am assuming children are in their plans. Although this is just an assumption.) Perhaps making this argument might convince her to seek help?

Sorry Blu, I didn't mean to convey I believed there was no medication or treatment, just that it is usually not simple.

No worries. You are right. Depression is a hard fight to endure. And a particularly sneaky and tenacious foe. It sounds like a war you fight, just as I do. And as someone who has the scars to prove it, I wish you all the luck in this pitched battle.

 

[Down_UnderKid]

thanks for the replies, and the hijacking

i do love my gf very much, we are perfect for each other. but this started off as a small hiccup in our journey, that has now grown into mt Everest but i hope we can get over the top.

 

[blulilacgrl]

thanks for the replies, and the hijacking

i do love my gf very much, we are perfect for each other. but this started off as a small hiccup in our journey, that has now grown into mt Everest but i hope we can get over the top.

I hope you two can find a way to work it out. And if the hijacking (sorry for that) helped you, well... at least it served a purpose.

Again, good luck!

 

[silverwhisper]

dowunder kid: if you haven't, you need to have the conversation with your gf about working together on building towards your future together. you can lead a horse to water, as the saying goes. bluelilac was saying the same and i think she's right.

relationships take work. this is the kind of work that it takes. it isn't easy and it isn't fun, but important things are rarely either, never mind both.

ed

 

[BeachMomma]

I agree with the others that she needs to be evaluated for depression first. If that's ruled out, it might be time to have a frank, honest discussion with your girlfriend about your future together.

I battled clinical depression during my first marriage. I didn't even realize I was depressed until it became under control. It was like living in a black and white world until we found the right combination and dosages of meds. When the meds kicked in, I remember driving through town one day. I suddenly noticed that the flowers were beautiful; I literally felt like I was living life in color again after being immersed in a black and white world. The meds didn't bring me out of the depression; they were simply a tool to help me deal with it. Meds alone usually aren't enough; it usually requires therapy as well.

Keep in mind, clinical depression isn't the same as a depressive episode. I can't remember the exact guidelines, but if a person suffers from depression for a period of time, it's known as clinical depression. Everybody has triggers, such as a death, illness, job loss, or serious event, that make them depressed, but most people can recover from those periods of depression. The inability to recover is a hallmark symptom of clinical depression.

As a nurse, I deal with depressed patients all the time. My personal method of handling depression won't work for everybody else, but it does work for me - most of the time. I find that if I'm alone, in the house too much, or have too much time on my hands, depression starts taking over. I have to use LadyVer's "tough love" on myself. A good self-talk, usually along the lines of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep going," does the trick for me. It also helps that I'm in a profession that guarantees that I help others. It's amazing how seeing how much worse someone else has it can put my own problems in persepective. There's something gratifying about helping other people that acts as a natural anti-depressant. It also helps that I don't have time to dwell on the things that bother me. I actually find work to be a great mood lifter.

My solutions for myself won't work for my patients. I can't tell them to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and keep going. I *can* listen to them non-judgmentally, accept them, make gentle suggestions, and use a few tricks out of my nursing bag to help improve their mood in the short term. A few tricks that you can do at home: allow natural sunlight in the house as much as possible. If it's too dark and dreary, consider a "sun light." Distraction therapy is another good way to deal with short-term depression. Instead of watching sad movies, find a good comedy and watch it together. Find ways to make her laugh. Pet therapy is also a wonderful trick. Can she volunteer a few hours per week at the local humane society?

Depression is a bitch, but it can (usually) be controlled and sometimes even defeated. The first step is definitely the hardest. Don't expect the road to be smooth for a while, and don't be surprised at occasional setbacks. If that's truly the problem, there are solutions available. She only has to seek help and be willing to follow up until she finds the right combination that works for her.

Good luck to both of you.