Need some advice/recommendations

[plaidpete]

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[Norajane]

It could be anything from initiating sex more often to taking more dominant positions with her (like doggy style or standing while she gives you a blowjob) to talking dirty and calling her your slut during sex to bondage to unexpected quickies to...

It's best to ask her to be specific about what it is that she'd like you to be doing - then you'll know what 'more aggressive' means to her.

 

[EJFan]

I need some help. My fiancee and I have a pretty decent sex life all told, but I know that she would like to see a change. To cut to the quick, she wants me to be more aggressive. It's not that I'm passive, but she wants a little more "me take what I want." I'm not even sure where to begin.

Thanks.

the first thing that comes to mind for me is that if you're not sure where to begin, maybe you need to have a conversation with yourself AND one with her.

think about it with yourself... see if you can figure out what you would do if there were no limitations... what would you like, what do you want to experience, what would you like her to do? consider all the possibilites and think about how you'd realize them.

then, have a talk with her (in a non-sexual setting) and see if you can't pin down what it is she's asking you to do. maybe i'm splitting a semantic hair here but i thought there's a possibility that if you're not sure where to begin then maybe you don't know what kind of control or liberties or aggression she wants you to take. while she may want you to take more control, that doesn't mean that her satisfaction goes on the back burner... you should figure out what she wants and work on that WHILE taking control.

you also may want to find out WHY she wants you to take more control. is she tired of being the aggressor? is she unsatisfied with making all the decisions? is she looking for a change of pace or is her being in control just not pleasurable for her?

i don't think there's anything "wrong" with your sex life... i want to make that clear... i just think that maybe nailing down what it is she wants might be unclear to you. no harm in asking her. down the road, however this plays out, you'll both be exploring some new things and that always goes a long way to keeping your relationship fresh.

 

[aka Lusty]

Hello everyone,

I need some help. My fiancee and I have a pretty decent sex life all told, but I know that she would like to see a change. To cut to the quick, she wants me to be more aggressive. It's not that I'm passive, but she wants a little more "me take what I want." I'm not even sure where to begin.

Thanks.

Been there. I wanted to rough it up a bit in the bedroom whereas my husband was afraid of hurting me. I explained that it need not be painful, but I did want him to be more aggressive. I specifically defined what I wanted more of, and once I gave him the green light, he pretty much ran with it. You'll never know what she wants if you don't ask.

 

[plaidpete]

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[Straight-8]

Always that tension with guys between being the good boys we were taught to be and letting the wild side rip. But listen to her now. I'm not so sure about the 'meaningful talk' advice above since it sounds like she's a bit fed up with the sensitive guy approach (your av says it all!). I'd suggest some role playing - maybe light BDSM (dress up, rope play, blindfolds etc.). That'll tell you what she wants and how you can handle it as well as any talk ever did.

'You gotta feel your instincts!'

 

[plaidpete]

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[Norajane]

I guess the big part is, I'm not really sure where to start - can I have been "a good guy" for too long?

Nope - it has nothing to do with good guys and bad guys. Aggressive doesn't have to be a bad guy thing. It might mean growling, "You're so damned hot; I want you NOW" at an opportune moment, or touching her suggestively throughout the day, or playing out a fantasy together, or spanking her or anything.

That's why I recommend talking - you have no way of knowing what she means by aggressive if you don't ask. Maybe you can read some Lit stories together and find out what her turn ons and turn offs are?

 

[plaidpete]

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[Straight-8]

can I have been "a good guy" for too long?

Now you're getting it!

 

[SweetErika]

I am a bit uncomfortable with the "take what I want" idea (her words) - how do I come to terms with this? Gosh, reading this over, I do sound pretty wishy-washy.

Is it possible she's just using "take what you want" as an analogy or example of the mindset that excites her? My interpretation of that comes down to:
1) Wanting my partner to take charge, make moves first, tell me what he wants, maximize his pleasure, etc.
2) Demonstrate he can barely control himself because he desires me so much. In other words, "take what you want" is an attitude of being so hot and ravenous that he acts with passion, confidence, and on instinct knowing it'll be amazing for both of us.

So, it certainly doesn't mean forcing, hurting, or being selfish (I can understand how it could be interpreted that way though, and my hubby is very hesitant like you); it's the way our shared feelings and desires are executed, if that makes sense.

 

[plaidpete]

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[Mr. Mann]

You are onto it and thinking which means you are WAY ahead of the game... so don't beat yourself up.

I've recently taken a somewhat similar journey in that I am working on being more aggressive and dominant.

You aren't alone in challenging the "good guy" stereotype.

What has helped me reconcile things in my head is that I remind myself that many women, my wife specifically, want a strong man who is self-assured and confident. Someone whom they can resepect and trust. Someone who is capable of protecting them and providing for them. Someone loving, but also strong.

Basically... the exact same gallant, strong, kind, assertive, confident, sensitive, generous, capable, sensual, caring, "ideal" man that I've always really wanted to be anyway.

Read through some of the posts in BDSM that relate to dominance and submission, spanking, etc. You may not be into those things, but there are alot of issues that are very similar e.g. people getting into doing things that are more aggressive and assertive than what they are accustomed to.

 

[plaidpete]

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[Mr. Mann]

Nah, you're not alone, man!!

You just hadn't found us yet!

I'm really happy you two found each other. I think it is great that you are talking and trying to be what each other wants and needs.

Alot of folks don't have that kind of intimacy in their relationships! I am happy to hear about those who do!

 

[Norajane]

Erika,

I agree, she certainly isn't looking for me to force or hurt her. And we are discussing more about what we like and what we want. The problem I seem to have is that I don't really know what I want - and am searching for a way to find that out. I can't seem to get out of my head the idea that I have to please her (accept she says that my being pleased pleases her...vicious circle here).

I thinking growing up with a feminist mother and her raising a "sensitive new-age guy" has some drawbacks. I just can't seem to shake the guilt and self-consciousness.

-pete

YOu don't have do figure it all out at once. Start slow, and you'll find that it gets a lot easier to be free that way as you get positive results.

So, it turns her on when you're turned on. That's the thing to focus on. She wants you to show her how turned on you are. That's what is erotic to her. Try stuff like this:

- after a long play session and it's time for you to come, instead of asking her how she'd like you to finish, just go with what you want to do. You can tell her (I'm gonn fuck you til I cum - in your own words, of course), but don't ASK her. Just do it.

- when you get close to orgasm, switch positions - don't ask her, just do it - lift her legs, flip her around. Not only will you last longer and your delayed orgasm will be great, but you'll be setting the pace, doing the things that will get you to orgasm, you "taking what you want." Check out some of these positions, and see if you get any ideas:

http://www.canal96.com/extra/strange/kamasutra/

- when you go out to dinner, or at a party, or wherever, whisper lewd things in her ear that you'd like to do to her. A simple, "I can't wait to taste you when we get home" or "your ass looks so hot in that dress, I'm going to take you from behind tonight" will drive her crazy thinking about it long before you even get naked.

- touch her all the way home in the car, stroke her leg, squeeze her thigh, tell her how you wanted to pull her into the bathroom and fuck her right at the party. Kiss her as soon as you get in the house, a long kiss with one hand on the back of her head and your other hand on her ass, pulling her toward you. Then turn her around and flip that dress up so you can get to that ass that's been driving you crazy all night.

- talk to her and tell her when she's doing something that feels great, but use more aggressive language than you are now. Instead of saying, "that feels really good" kick it up a notch and say, "I'm not gonna last long if you keep looking at me like that while you suck me," and then show her that you mean it.

Once you get the ball rolling, you'll see how easy it is to get in touch with what you like and be able to express it.

And most of all, enjoy your sexploration! That's the fun part.