Need help...

[pipesoflirael]

i know that i have no right to tell my Master what to do. When W/we started this relationship, He promised not to include anyone else. W/we agree to exclusiveness. Hell, it was the only thing i demanded before starting this.

Well, i've stumbled onto something to the contrary. Let's try a hidden email account, Myspace account, second yahoo/aim names, and an account through collarme. Didn't know of any of these. Plus, reading through the messages, He's been asking a good number of other girls if they're interested in everything from speaking to...more...and its just...

Am i allowed to leave because of this? Does this count as a breach of trust? Or is it only my place to respect His wishes and remain silent? i've confronted Him and He's told me that none of these things exist. Don't know what to do right now.

Someone please give me advice here...

 

[Perfect_Trust]

I would

Am i allowed to leave because of this? Does this count as a breach of trust? Or is it only my place to respect His wishes and remain silent? i've confronted Him and He's told me that none of these things exist.

The fact that he has additional emails/my space etc may only mean that he's chatting online to other people. You are obviously uneasy with that though, & how would he react if it were you? My main concern for you though is that you are now aware of this & he's STILL denying it, for me that would bring to mind the phrase "Lying Motherfu**er." If he cant be honest about it how are you supposed to trust him?

 

[neonflux]

I don't know from a Master/slave position, but if your initial agreement involved monogamy, this is a gross violation of trust... I think you have the right to be pissed as hell. If a D/s relationship isn't based on trust, what is it based on?

Edited to add: do you have any possible entre into discussing this with him?

just my 2¢
Neon

i know that i have no right to tell my Master what to do. When W/we started this relationship, He promised not to include anyone else. W/we agree to exclusiveness. Hell, it was the only thing i demanded before starting this.

Well, i've stumbled onto something to the contrary. Let's try a hidden email account, Myspace account, second yahoo/aim names, and an account through collarme. Didn't know of any of these. Plus, reading through the messages, He's been asking a good number of other girls if they're interested in everything from speaking to...more...and its just...

Am i allowed to leave because of this? Does this count as a breach of trust? Or is it only my place to respect His wishes and remain silent? i've confronted Him and He's told me that none of these things exist. Don't know what to do right now.

Someone please give me advice here...

 

[sexieyoungone]

I agree

i completely agree with what the others have said on this.

D/s relationships should be based on trust and if thats the only thing you've asked from him then I think he should give it to you

You know what they say its better to be alone and happy then attached and miserable.

 

[nymphee]

i know that i have no right to tell my Master what to do. When W/we started this relationship, He promised not to include anyone else. W/we agree to exclusiveness. Hell, it was the only thing i demanded before starting this.

Well, i've stumbled onto something to the contrary. Let's try a hidden email account, Myspace account, second yahoo/aim names, and an account through collarme. Didn't know of any of these. Plus, reading through the messages, He's been asking a good number of other girls if they're interested in everything from speaking to...more...and its just...

Am i allowed to leave because of this? Does this count as a breach of trust? Or is it only my place to respect His wishes and remain silent? i've confronted Him and He's told me that none of these things exist. Don't know what to do right now.

Someone please give me advice here...

Step outside yourself for a minute darling, and take a look at this from the outside. If you were a casual observer looking at this as a vanilla relationship, there is no one on the planet who wouldn't tell you to leave the b*****d withough looking back.
Firstly, just becuase you are in a BDSM realationship, does not mean that you deserve any less honesty, respect and fidelity that any "normal" girlfriend. The fact that he is your Dom and that you live in a situation utterly based on trust makes this violation of it, in my eyes, so much worse. You put your trust in him, and you told him you would give him your submission on the condition that he was faithful to you alone.
Lying is almost never forgivable. If you know, without a doubt that these other accounts are in his name and that he is lying to you about them not existing he has violated (in my opinion) any contract of pledge or promise that you might have made to him. You gave him the oportunity to come clean and he didn't, which either means that the accounts no longer exist or that he has no intention to give them up and thus will not tell you about them.
Being a submissive does not make you an inferior person. You ALWAYS have the right to leave, whether he's done anything wrong or not, and if I were you I would have left at the first possible opportunity.

This is of course, only my take on the situation, but I would have kicked the bastard out whether I was a sub, a Domme or a vanilla girlfriend, and for the sake of your dignity, you would do well to do so too.

If you would like to talk privately, feel free to PM me, or ask for my msn. I'm almost the same age as you and I've been in almost the same situation.

Yours,
n xxx

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess for me it depends on the exact and minute details of the agreement you made on committing to a Master/slave relationship. For some being a slave means submitting but still retaining the right to have limits and out clauses in the agreement which if breached allow leaving as an option....for others such as us, it means I surrendered that right and though initially there were things we agreed to, it is totally at his discretion to change those terms if he wishes.....doesn't mean I have to like it, or that I have to pretend to, but it does limit my avenue of leaving or trying to hold him to agreements made in the beginning next to useless. I agree that trust has to be paramount, and if you are 100% sure these accounts etc., are his and he is denying it and hoping you buy it, that you have a problem much bigger than the one you presented here. If they truly are not his I would think in the interests of maintaining your relationship he would at least want to do more than just say they aren't his.

You are at a crossroads I suspect where only you can decide which way to go. Legally no-one can make you stay if you do not want to, but you also have to think about what it is you want and need from this or any relationship. If he has breached your trust, it is going to be a long road back to even coming close to being able to trust him again, if ever. My suggestion would be to tell him you need to talk with him about it in greater length than his just denying it. Hopefully you can come to some point of knowing what is going to be right for you long term.

Catalina

 

[lne_iii]

Especially since you mentioned such things specifically at the start, and since he has seen fit to violate it anyway...if you want to leave him, even outside of the aforementioned, you are always of your own mind to do so.

LNE

 

[BeachGurl2]

First and foremost, you must have trust and respect in your relationship - whether vanilla, D/s or M/s. I think there is a difference between changing the parameters of your original agreement and lying/cheating. If your original agreement outlined exclusivity (ultimately, it defined fidelity as a hard limit for you), and you are absolutely certain that he has breached that (the accounts you've found are definitely without a doubt his), then you certainly have the right to leave.

That said, if you truly are 100% certain that these accounts are his, and he continues to deny that they are, how could you ever trust anything he said to you again? If he had come clean, admitted they were his, and then wanted to work out whatever issues they bring up, then at least you would have some sense that maybe there was something worth holding onto. However, if I were in this situation and he continued to deny even though you have proof that he is lying, my butt would be heading out the door. There are 2 things I absolutely won't tolerate in any relationship - a breach of trust and treating me disrespectfully. As far as I'm concerned, anything else can be worked through. But for me, once that trust is broken, I have a very hard time ever trusting that person again. And the way he has broken your trust smacks of disrespect - at least in my definition of disrespect. And I don't believe for one second that the nature of a D/s or M/s relationship negates that need for trust and respect. In fact, in my opinion, the very nature of D/s or M/s demands that you have trust and respect on both sides, maybe even moreso than a vanilla relationship would.

Okay, so my 2 cents. If I keep going, I'll end up on a huge rant about trust and respect. I've written of it here before, so everyone knows how I feel about that without me writing another novel. Ultimately, only you can decide what you need to do. Be true to yourself. Don't compromise your value system. Because each time you do compromise your value system, that builds up and ultimately destroys whatever relationship you thought you had anyway. Good luck.

 

[FurryFury]

I'd have a serious problem with someone who betrayed my trust. That's an all bets are off move. When confronted with what you know, for him to say it's not true is even more alarming. I don't care if he is a master and you are his slave (There is no legally binding slave contract in the US after all,) or if y'all are dating or just fuck buddies, it changes nothing these things are a big problem regardless. Now what you do about it, that is up to you. You have to decide what you can and will be able to live with.

Fury

 

[Netzach]

Am i allowed to leave because of this? Does this count as a breach of trust? Or is it only my place to respect His wishes and remain silent? i've confronted Him and He's told me that none of these things exist. Don't know what to do right now.

Well, I'm sure some of the "real and true slavery" minions will want to shoot me for this, but leaving is always a prerogative, this isn't Afghanistan.

 

[shy slave]

Firstly are you very sure that these hidden accounts are him?

Please don't let emotion cloud any other possibility. What was his reasoning for saying these things do not exist? Has he explained why he has these reasons and when you look at him and hear what he has to say, do you believe him?

Next, if it is him; what is he looking for? Additional women to play with seperately with you in r/l/ Online relationships or someone to share with you.

Whatever the reason does it make a difference to how you feel about the situation?

Of course you can walk away as Net said this is not Afganistan, but you can also try and figure out why he has done this and if you can live with his reasons for doing so.

I am not suggesting you stay with someone you no longer trust or disbelieve, but I am saying be very sure of your reasons and actions before you make a decision that cannot be reversed later.

 

[pipesoflirael]

i've traced everything through His computer. i've had His email address for a good while now. i sent each account a message asking for a new password and received an email in His account after i asked for every password. So, yes, they are His. After tracing all accounts, i went through all message history. Reading those, seeing what He wrote, was almost impossible without breaking down.

Yes, this was completely exclusive. He agreed to this. Actually, He specified it first and i agreed. Now, after my crying for hours and His leaving me in this apartment ignoring me, He's finally admitted what He's done and switches from snapping to begging me to stay.

i'm staying here tonight. i don't drive, unfortunately, and have no one to get me the hell out of here, but my bags are packed. Just doesn't seem like any reason to stay. The fact that i love Him doesn't change that i can't trust Him.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do....

prayers for you to move on.

 

[Betticus]

i know that i have no right to tell my Master what to do. When W/we started this relationship, He promised not to include anyone else. W/we agree to exclusiveness. Hell, it was the only thing i demanded before starting this.

Well, i've stumbled onto something to the contrary. Let's try a hidden email account, Myspace account, second yahoo/aim names, and an account through collarme. Didn't know of any of these. Plus, reading through the messages, He's been asking a good number of other girls if they're interested in everything from speaking to...more...and its just...

Am i allowed to leave because of this? Does this count as a breach of trust? Or is it only my place to respect His wishes and remain silent? i've confronted Him and He's told me that none of these things exist. Don't know what to do right now.

Someone please give me advice here...

Sweetness, your life is only your own no matter what kind of dom/sub relationship you have or any promises you made.

You can leave for any reason at any time.

I'll expound even further and say that I would fully expect to be left in this same situation.

 

[FurryFury]

i've traced everything through His computer. i've had His email address for a good while now. i sent each account a message asking for a new password and received an email in His account after i asked for every password. So, yes, they are His. After tracing all accounts, i went through all message history. Reading those, seeing what He wrote, was almost impossible without breaking down.

Yes, this was completely exclusive. He agreed to this. Actually, He specified it first and i agreed. Now, after my crying for hours and His leaving me in this apartment ignoring me, He's finally admitted what He's done and switches from snapping to begging me to stay.

i'm staying here tonight. i don't drive, unfortunately, and have no one to get me the hell out of here, but my bags are packed. Just doesn't seem like any reason to stay. The fact that i love Him doesn't change that i can't trust Him.

Your world probably feels totally chaotic and surreal right now. The pain and shock of all this is probably feeling like it's too much to bear. That makes it even harder to make a decision. Whatever decisions you might make right now could change with time and clarity. You may ultimately stay or go. You may even go and come back or stay and leave later. Please remember this, whatever You do decide to do, it's okay as long as it's your decision and what you decide you want, even if no one else agrees with it. You will find your path even though right now your whole world may seem disjointed and lost to you. I'm sorry this is going on in your life.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[nymphee]

i've traced everything through His computer. i've had His email address for a good while now. i sent each account a message asking for a new password and received an email in His account after i asked for every password. So, yes, they are His. After tracing all accounts, i went through all message history. Reading those, seeing what He wrote, was almost impossible without breaking down.

Yes, this was completely exclusive. He agreed to this. Actually, He specified it first and i agreed. Now, after my crying for hours and His leaving me in this apartment ignoring me, He's finally admitted what He's done and switches from snapping to begging me to stay.

i'm staying here tonight. i don't drive, unfortunately, and have no one to get me the hell out of here, but my bags are packed. Just doesn't seem like any reason to stay. The fact that i love Him doesn't change that i can't trust Him.

My Darling, I'm so sorry. I know it probably doesn't make it hurt any less to know that you're doing the right thing, but please rest assured that you have my respect for being so stong.

n
xxx

 

[Marquis]

Well, I'm sure some of the "real and true slavery" minions will want to shoot me for this, but leaving is always a prerogative, this isn't Afghanistan.

Ha ha, could you imagine if the government started honoring slave contracts?

I'd be Simon Legree, let me tell you.

 

[Etoile]

I want to point out one very important thing: for most people, e-mail is considered private. Everybody can get their own Hotmail account or whatever, and people tend not to share e-mail accounts much anymore. The same goes for accounts on CollarMe or wherever. By snooping in his e-mail, you are also violating a trust, and two wrongs don't make a right.

I think the best thing to do right now is talk to him about it. You need to hear his side of the story. If he denies it, give him evidence of what you know. But don't assume the worst based on what you've found. It sounds bad, I agree, but he deserves the chance to explain why he's doing what he's doing.

Likewise, you deserve the chance to explain how what he's doing is making you feel. Sometimes people overlook the feelings of those around them. I wouldn't run away immediately - find out the true story and make your decision from there.

And I am speaking with the voice of experience...in other words, I know I'm the pot calling the kettle black. Taking this route - open communication - has proven to be the right choice for me, I hope you will consider it.

 

[sullivan96]

i'd just split

 

[pipesoflirael]

i'm still here. Agreed to wait until i was calm to make a decision.

But i did explain to Him what i found, with evidence. Let me mention that we both generally have the same passwords for everything and, because we live with each other and have conflicting schedules, tend to go onto each other's computers, emails, and sometimes even bank accounts. W/we've talked about it before and agreed it was alright 'cuz it's better to be able to quickly access schoolwork or get bills through than to wait 2-3 days until W/we can access our own computers again.

Doesn't explain what i did. i know that. Just wanted to clear up that i wasn't being a detective and taking fingerprints off his car keys or something.

He did finally tell me why He had all those seperate accounts. His explanation was that, as W/we were just starting to go deeper into the Master/slave part of our relationship, He freaked when i became unresponsive a month or so ago. (Long story but the gist of it is that i blocked everyone out for a bit after some issues at school) He explained that He blamed Himself and wanted to convince Himself that He wasn't some awful person by seeing if He was interesting to anyone else but me. Giving Him credit, He did ask to meet one or two of them but then the messages at least indicate that He backed out on it and said He couldn't do this to me. Not the perfect excuse but it does turn things into a different light. It's just as much my fault for not communicating as it's His fault for going behind my back.

What worries me now is how to move forward. The trust is definetly broken and, in such a lifestyle, i'm still questioning whether or not to continue in this relationship if W/we can't trust each other. Not being in such a situation before, i'm not sure if i can learn to trust Him again, and that's a bit intimidating.

Then, on the reverse, maybe having such a scare is something W/we needed. W/we did both realize that W/we have to learn to communicate and saw what was wrong before W/we just split. If this situation allows U/us to grow as a couple, is it worth it to stay?

Thank you all for the advice and hugs, though. **mass hug back**

O/our one year anniversary is on December 7th and i've agreed to stay until then. Pissed as hell but still love Him...ooof...

 

[papilllon]

i know that i have no right to tell my Master what to do. When W/we started this relationship, He promised not to include anyone else. W/we agree to exclusiveness. Hell, it was the only thing i demanded before starting this.

Well, i've stumbled onto something to the contrary. Let's try a hidden email account, Myspace account, second yahoo/aim names, and an account through collarme. Didn't know of any of these. Plus, reading through the messages, He's been asking a good number of other girls if they're interested in everything from speaking to...more...and its just...

Am i allowed to leave because of this? Does this count as a breach of trust? Or is it only my place to respect His wishes and remain silent? i've confronted Him and He's told me that none of these things exist. Don't know what to do right now.

Someone please give me advice here...

Whatever anyone of us says, whatever anybody from any background says, follow that little voice inside you. If it feels wrongs to you than it is wrong, whatever kind of commitment you made to this man.

Somehow, you probably know deep inside if you should stay in this relationship or go away. And even if you have made a commitment to be someone's slave, the reality of living in our world is that nobody can force you to remain in any kind of relationship if you're unhappy. So, my advice to you is forget what you should or should not do and do what you feel is the best course of action for your own well being. Life is too short to stay in any relationship if it makes you unhappy...

 

[the captians wench]

Let me tell you, it's hard, but you can learn to trust again.

Sounds to me like everything was a break down in comunication. The real key is getting that comunication back on track. It's hard, and takes a lot of work, but if you are both commited to it, it can happen.

But the most important part is listening to that voice inside you, it usually knows best.

 

[neonflux]

Whatever anyone of us says, whatever anybody from any background says, follow that little voice inside you. If it feels wrongs to you than it is wrong, whatever kind of commitment you made to this man.

Somehow, you probably know deep inside if you should stay in this relationship or go away. And even if you have made a commitment to be someone's slave, the reality of living in our world is that nobody can force you to remain in any kind of relationship if you're unhappy. So, my advice to you is forget what you should or should not do and do what you feel is the best course of action for your own well being. Life is too short to stay in any relationship if it makes you unhappy...

I think that this is excellent advice! The biggest question I would ask myself in this situation is, "Can I trust him not to do this again in similar circumstances?" If blocking yourself off occasionally is your emotional response to difficult circumstances, can you figure out how to work together should this happen again? These are things to think about and talk about.

I notice that your Master blamed himself for your pulling away, although to my way of thinking that wasn't really his fault. However, he did have a choice as to how to deal with it. Has he taken any reponsibility for making this choice?

Recently my primary hurt me a great deal and two months down the road, I still don't trust him completely yet - the barriers are coming down but very slowly; it is taking a great deal of patience on his part and great effort on mine. I don't know if this might happen between you two but another question to ask might be how will both of you deal with it should this occur? I believe any hurt can be overcome, but it can take a lot of time.

Last question - how much do you love him? And how much does he love you?

I know that the choices infront of you must be difficult. And I think that you will have a lot of support here, no matter what decision you make. *hugs*

Neon

 

[FurryFury]

*hug*

You are getting some good thoughtful answers in this thread. I can't really add much more to what people have already said at this point. I'm glad y'all have started to communicate though. It's hard to rebuild trust. It can be done but only you can decide if you are willing to or feel it's right to give this that chance.

Fury

 

[Etoile]

Let me mention that we both generally have the same passwords for everything and, because we live with each other and have conflicting schedules, tend to go onto each other's computers, emails, and sometimes even bank accounts. W/we've talked about it before and agreed it was alright 'cuz it's better to be able to quickly access schoolwork or get bills through than to wait 2-3 days until W/we can access our own computers again.

I completely understand that. My wife knows my bank account password, I know her e-mail password, etc. It's sublimely convenient sometimes. Unfortunately, I have looked at more than I should at times, and I've hurt myself and created drama in the process. I haven't done it in a few months at least, because it is really unhealthy for someone to do that to their partner(s), and I'm trying to remember that.

wanted to convince Himself that He wasn't some awful person by seeing if He was interesting to anyone else but me. Giving Him credit, He did ask to meet one or two of them but then the messages at least indicate that He backed out on it and said He couldn't do this to me. Not the perfect excuse but it does turn things into a different light. It's just as much my fault for not communicating as it's His fault for going behind my back.

Hmm. Wanting to "see if he was interesting to others" sounds like he was worried about the status of your relationship, rather than just "seeing if he was an awful person." It's reassuring to know you're attractive to other people, but it's also a sign of lack of faith in the relationship. Still, I'm glad you realize that you've both done things inappropriately and that you're going to work together to fix it!

What worries me now is how to move forward. The trust is definetly broken and, in such a lifestyle, i'm still questioning whether or not to continue in this relationship if W/we can't trust each other. Not being in such a situation before, i'm not sure if i can learn to trust Him again, and that's a bit intimidating.

A breach of trust is as serious as a breach of contract, IMHO. Slavery is illegal in the U.S., so anyone always has the right to leave. Whether there is have a written contract or not, if trust has been breached, I personally would not consider myself tied to that person until the trust was rebuilt.

Then, on the reverse, maybe having such a scare is something W/we needed. W/we did both realize that W/we have to learn to communicate and saw what was wrong before W/we just split. If this situation allows U/us to grow as a couple, is it worth it to stay?

Yes! I'm surprised you'd even still be questioning that at this point. If you love him, and you both recognize that he did something inappropriate and he's working to atone for it, then there's no reason to leave at this point. I don't think anybody "needs" to be scared like that, it wrenches the heart something dreadful, but it's definitely valuable to learn that communication is key.

By the way, you may notice most people don't use the "W/we" convention on Lit. Some people consider it a pet peeve to see it; I don't mind it on occasion but it does get a little overwhelming for me to see it so much. If he's told you to use it, then by all means go ahead, but it's not required around here.