Need advice how to describe to my wife what I want? It’s a little like being dominated, but not exactly that I don’t think, so what’s it’s called

[austinhampshir]

hi I don’t know enough about any of this stuff but my wife and me we’re trying to learn to talk about what we want in bed and my wife wants some ideas or words to do her own looking around because she thinks it would also excite her more to give me what I need if it was not so much like I just gave her instructions and a script or whatever and then she just does that— and, she thinks also that her being excited more by it herself would help her do better at too so it’s not just that she wants to feel excited too (even though yes of course she does and I want her to also so I might actually have a different post soon speaking about stuff she wants from me)

Anyway so I have no thoughts on what it’s called that I like. I’m guessing it falls under a category like domination but I’m not looking for some kind of hardcore whatever, and not anything like being spanked or gagged. But I’d there anything out there that’s called something like ‘soft domination’ or something? Like, I suppose what I’m trying to say and what I’m looking for a name for is a thing like when the woman is in charge and being strict with me and kind of selfish, but not telling me what to do in an aggressive way, and things like keeping me hard but also frustrated and claiming she’s doing it for me but it’s really for her, and I don’t know, things like that. But again not aggressive, except, well, okay, except maybe sometimes aggressive in small instances like times when she’s about to cum or times during sex when she’s feeling really extra good and starts to get extra selfish.

So the thing about this is that yes, it would certainly be much simpler if she feels it would help her just to have me tell her just all of the above there because that’s a pretty good start—and I’m not saying it won’t come to that, we might try it just with my telling her if it comes down to it, or, a combination of that and her doing her own looking into things. BUT— again, the thing is, she feels it’ll excite her more if she has some ideas of things to look up on her own so she doesn’t feel she’s coming off like she’s just working off a script. That alone definitely works for some people I imagine, but she kind of already knows it doesn’t work very well for her when she feels scripted, I guess from past experiences with people.

PS: My other post I might do soon about her own needs and what she needs from me sort of has to do with all this by the way, because my general impression is she wants me to be aggressive with her but being aggressive during sex doesn’t really excite me so much. In terms of personal needs, when it comes to trying to address her needs specifically I don’t care so much about my own excitement per se, it’s only that I’m very worried if I’m not excited then, sure, I can go through the motions, but, will I stay hard when I’m doing that, and if not, then how does that meet her needs in the end if she’s saying she wants me to actually fuck her as an aggressive person who’s hard, and not just pleasure her in other ways while pretending to be aggressive? I thing I would need advice on how a guy can stay hard while doing aggressive stuff if being aggressive during sex isn’t naturally a turn on for the guy too. So first of all, by saying all that there, I’m saying I understand where she’s coming from about feeling the need to be a certain way for me in a way that also excites her because then she’ll be better at it. And second of all, yeah, a separate post soon will probably be asking about how I can figure it how to be excited playing a role that doesn’t naturally excite me so much. But to repeat, stuff about what I needed to figure out to be the way she wants while staying hard, that’s a separate post, I don’t want to mix that in if it’ll get me less answers on my main question of how to describe to my wife what I need from her. Keywords or whatever for her to research what I like on her is my assignment from her (so she’s already telling me what to do lol)

Okay Thank you for reading, if there’s any chance in hell anyone made it through all this I’ve just dropped right here!!

 

[policywank]

It sounds like what you are after is along the lines of FLR - Female Led Relationship. It just means she calls the shots. How she does so is up to her. It can be aggressive or very subtle and simple. The "relationship" part of that term suggests a full time dynamic but it can easily be for a night or a day or whatever. They key is that you submit to her decisions and take satisfaction in your own obedience. She may make those decisions based upon what she wants or what she thinks that you want, but the choice is hers.

It helps if she knows what sort of things you might want so that if she wants to indulge your desires she has an idea of how to do so. But once she has that knowledge you need to shut up and do as you are told. She will likely want to indulge you to a degree but she needs to make a conscious effort to indulge herself as well and expect you to follow along.

What you are describing might also be considered light domination. I think that domination is often seen as being synonymous with BDSM which involves specific acts like bondage, spanking, etc. A dominant woman may choose to bind and spank her submissive man. But that isn't intrinsically necessarily part of the practice. At its core it is really just about her making the decisions and dictating them to you. It may be nothing more than sitting on your face or having you lick her pussy. It isn't the act that makes it domination or FLR. It is the fact that she decides, she commands and you obey (rather than asking and agreeing).

 

[austinhampshir]

It sounds like what you are after is along the lines of FLR - Female Led Relationship. It just means she calls the shots. How she does so is up to her. It can be aggressive or very subtle and simple. The "relationship" part of that term suggests a full time dynamic but it can easily be for a night or a day or whatever. They key is that you submit to her decisions and take satisfaction in your own obedience. She may make those decisions based upon what she wants or what she thinks that you want, but the choice is hers.

It helps if she knows what sort of things you might want so that if she wants to indulge your desires she has an idea of how to do so. But once she has that knowledge you need to shut up and do as you are told. She will likely want to indulge you to a degree but she needs to make a conscious effort to indulge herself as well and expect you to follow along.

What you are describing might also be considered light domination. I think that domination is often seen as being synonymous with BDSM which involves specific acts like bondage, spanking, etc. A dominant woman may choose to bind and spank her submissive man. But that isn't intrinsically necessarily part of the practice. At its core it is really just about her making the decisions and dictating them to you. It may be nothing more than sitting on your face or having you lick her pussy. It isn't the act that makes it domination or FLR. It is the fact that she decides, she commands and you obey (rather than asking and agreeing).

Ok thank you for these ideas, I’ll keep checking here as I want as many suggestions as possible but this really helps. A good start and then some

 

[emme8]

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...UQFnoECB4QAQ&usg=AOvVaw0jEtwb0vjWtHY-fQALzFvS

 

[Erosfan]

hi I don’t know enough about any of this stuff but my wife and me we’re trying to learn to talk about what we want in bed and my wife wants some ideas or words to do her own looking around because she thinks it would also excite her more to give me what I need if it was not so much like I just gave her instructions and a script or whatever and then she just does that— and, she thinks also that her being excited more by it herself would help her do better at too so it’s not just that she wants to feel excited too (even though yes of course she does and I want her to also so I might actually have a different post soon speaking about stuff she wants from me)

Anyway so I have no thoughts on what it’s called that I like. I’m guessing it falls under a category like domination but I’m not looking for some kind of hardcore whatever, and not anything like being spanked or gagged. But I’d there anything out there that’s called something like ‘soft domination’ or something? Like, I suppose what I’m trying to say and what I’m looking for a name for is a thing like when the woman is in charge and being strict with me and kind of selfish, but not telling me what to do in an aggressive way, and things like keeping me hard but also frustrated and claiming she’s doing it for me but it’s really for her, and I don’t know, things like that. But again not aggressive, except, well, okay, except maybe sometimes aggressive in small instances like times when she’s about to cum or times during sex when she’s feeling really extra good and starts to get extra selfish.

So the thing about this is that yes, it would certainly be much simpler if she feels it would help her just to have me tell her just all of the above there because that’s a pretty good start—and I’m not saying it won’t come to that, we might try it just with my telling her if it comes down to it, or, a combination of that and her doing her own looking into things. BUT— again, the thing is, she feels it’ll excite her more if she has some ideas of things to look up on her own so she doesn’t feel she’s coming off like she’s just working off a script. That alone definitely works for some people I imagine, but she kind of already knows it doesn’t work very well for her when she feels scripted, I guess from past experiences with people.

PS: My other post I might do soon about her own needs and what she needs from me sort of has to do with all this by the way, because my general impression is she wants me to be aggressive with her but being aggressive during sex doesn’t really excite me so much. In terms of personal needs, when it comes to trying to address her needs specifically I don’t care so much about my own excitement per se, it’s only that I’m very worried if I’m not excited then, sure, I can go through the motions, but, will I stay hard when I’m doing that, and if not, then how does that meet her needs in the end if she’s saying she wants me to actually fuck her as an aggressive person who’s hard, and not just pleasure her in other ways while pretending to be aggressive? I thing I would need advice on how a guy can stay hard while doing aggressive stuff if being aggressive during sex isn’t naturally a turn on for the guy too. So first of all, by saying all that there, I’m saying I understand where she’s coming from about feeling the need to be a certain way for me in a way that also excites her because then she’ll be better at it. And second of all, yeah, a separate post soon will probably be asking about how I can figure it how to be excited playing a role that doesn’t naturally excite me so much. But to repeat, stuff about what I needed to figure out to be the way she wants while staying hard, that’s a separate post, I don’t want to mix that in if it’ll get me less answers on my main question of how to describe to my wife what I need from her. Keywords or whatever for her to research what I like on her is my assignment from her (so she’s already telling me what to do lol)

Okay Thank you for reading, if there’s any chance in hell anyone made it through all this I’ve just dropped right here!!

There was a thread on Lit called Gentle Femdom.
I am similar to you in that I loved for my wife to be in charge of our sex lives. She knew my fantasies and did her best to make many of them become reality. I'm into exhibitionism and CFNM (not flashing or scaring anyone). I told her I would do anything she wanted, any time, anywhere and she could do what she wanted with me or to me as well. She was excellent at pushing my limits while ensuring our/my safety. What I wanted was for her to enjoy her control over me in a way that she might indulge certain fantasies. It's a role reversal kind of thing.Women have to deal with all sorts of come ons and I felt this could be a way of her viewing from the other side.

It took a while for her to get comfortable with this, but once she did, we had some amazing experiences. I became her boy toy at times and we both enjoyed it. She decided when and where we would play and most often did what she wanted without warning.

I have posted a few stories on Lit. She read every one of them before I posted them. She was my inspiration. She would say "I can see us doing that" or "We would get in so much trouble if we tried that."

Unfortunately, she passed 18 months ago. I do have some wonderful memories.

 

[policywank]

There was a thread on Lit called Gentle Femdom.
I am similar to you in that I loved for my wife to be in charge of our sex lives. She knew my fantasies and did her best to make many of them become reality. I'm into exhibitionism and CFNM (not flashing or scaring anyone). I told her I would do anything she wanted, any time, anywhere and she could do what she wanted with me or to me as well. She was excellent at pushing my limits while ensuring our/my safety. What I wanted was for her to enjoy her control over me in a way that she might indulge certain fantasies. It's a role reversal kind of thing.Women have to deal with all sorts of come ons and I felt this could be a way of her viewing from the other side.

It took a while for her to get comfortable with this, but once she did, we had some amazing experiences. I became her boy toy at times and we both enjoyed it. She decided when and where we would play and most often did what she wanted without warning.

I have posted a few stories on Lit. She read every one of them before I posted them. She was my inspiration. She would say "I can see us doing that" or "We would get in so much trouble if we tried that."

Unfortunately, she passed 18 months ago. I do have some wonderful memories.

It sounds like you had a wonderful dynamic with your wife. I am sorry to hear of her passing.

My sense is that sometimes we default to seeing Domination as being synonymous with BDSM. But one can dominate without bondage, discipline or sadomasochism. It can be done very subtly or however you want really. There is no way it has to be. It just needs to be what works for you both.

 

[Erosfan]

It sounds like you had a wonderful dynamic with your wife. I am sorry to hear of her passing.

My sense is that sometimes we default to seeing Domination as being synonymous with BDSM. But one can dominate without bondage, discipline or sadomasochism. It can be done very subtly or however you want really. There is no way it has to be. It just needs to be what works for you both.

Thank you for the kind words.
I could not have said this more clearly than you.

 

[docoral]

hi I don’t know enough about any of this stuff but my wife and me we’re trying to learn to talk about what we want in bed and my wife wants some ideas or words to do her own looking around because she thinks it would also excite her more to give me what I need if it was not so much like I just gave her instructions and a script or whatever and then she just does that— and, she thinks also that her being excited more by it herself would help her do better at too so it’s not just that she wants to feel excited too (even though yes of course she does and I want her to also so I might actually have a different post soon speaking about stuff she wants from me)

Anyway so I have no thoughts on what it’s called that I like. I’m guessing it falls under a category like domination but I’m not looking for some kind of hardcore whatever, and not anything like being spanked or gagged. But I’d there anything out there that’s called something like ‘soft domination’ or something? Like, I suppose what I’m trying to say and what I’m looking for a name for is a thing like when the woman is in charge and being strict with me and kind of selfish, but not telling me what to do in an aggressive way, and things like keeping me hard but also frustrated and claiming she’s doing it for me but it’s really for her, and I don’t know, things like that. But again not aggressive, except, well, okay, except maybe sometimes aggressive in small instances like times when she’s about to cum or times during sex when she’s feeling really extra good and starts to get extra selfish.

So the thing about this is that yes, it would certainly be much simpler if she feels it would help her just to have me tell her just all of the above there because that’s a pretty good start—and I’m not saying it won’t come to that, we might try it just with my telling her if it comes down to it, or, a combination of that and her doing her own looking into things. BUT— again, the thing is, she feels it’ll excite her more if she has some ideas of things to look up on her own so she doesn’t feel she’s coming off like she’s just working off a script. That alone definitely works for some people I imagine, but she kind of already knows it doesn’t work very well for her when she feels scripted, I guess from past experiences with people.

PS: My other post I might do soon about her own needs and what she needs from me sort of has to do with all this by the way, because my general impression is she wants me to be aggressive with her but being aggressive during sex doesn’t really excite me so much. In terms of personal needs, when it comes to trying to address her needs specifically I don’t care so much about my own excitement per se, it’s only that I’m very worried if I’m not excited then, sure, I can go through the motions, but, will I stay hard when I’m doing that, and if not, then how does that meet her needs in the end if she’s saying she wants me to actually fuck her as an aggressive person who’s hard, and not just pleasure her in other ways while pretending to be aggressive? I thing I would need advice on how a guy can stay hard while doing aggressive stuff if being aggressive during sex isn’t naturally a turn on for the guy too. So first of all, by saying all that there, I’m saying I understand where she’s coming from about feeling the need to be a certain way for me in a way that also excites her because then she’ll be better at it. And second of all, yeah, a separate post soon will probably be asking about how I can figure it how to be excited playing a role that doesn’t naturally excite me so much. But to repeat, stuff about what I needed to figure out to be the way she wants while staying hard, that’s a separate post, I don’t want to mix that in if it’ll get me less answers on my main question of how to describe to my wife what I need from her. Keywords or whatever for her to research what I like on her is my assignment from her (so she’s already telling me what to do lol)

Okay Thank you for reading, if there’s any chance in hell anyone made it through all this I’ve just dropped right here!!

The answers are in your head not on lit. Sex should be fun not a duty. Put her pleasures first and go from there.

 

[austinhampshir]

There was a thread on Lit called Gentle Femdom.
I am similar to you in that I loved for my wife to be in charge of our sex lives. She knew my fantasies and did her best to make many of them become reality. I'm into exhibitionism and CFNM (not flashing or scaring anyone). I told her I would do anything she wanted, any time, anywhere and she could do what she wanted with me or to me as well. She was excellent at pushing my limits while ensuring our/my safety. What I wanted was for her to enjoy her control over me in a way that she might indulge certain fantasies. It's a role reversal kind of thing.Women have to deal with all sorts of come ons and I felt this could be a way of her viewing from the other side.

It took a while for her to get comfortable with this, but once she did, we had some amazing experiences. I became her boy toy at times and we both enjoyed it. She decided when and where we would play and most often did what she wanted without warning.

I have posted a few stories on Lit. She read every one of them before I posted them. She was my inspiration. She would say "I can see us doing that" or "We would get in so much trouble if we tried that."

Unfortunately, she passed 18 months ago. I do have some wonderful memories.

Hey I’m so sorry it took me this long to reply, I actually lost my login info and username and only now finally found time to circle back and figure it out. Thanks so much for the advice, and I’m really really sorry to hear about your wife’s passing—it sounds like you had such a great thing together, and not that this helps or replaces the pain of loss or anything, but, it’s my impression that people are lucky if they find it at all. Anyway thank you very much for your thoughtful ideas on this, reading it is extremely helpful.

 

[OlderBtm4U]

My condolences as well. Wish I had some advice for you.

 

[Erosfan]

My condolences as well. Wish I had some advice for you.

Thank you.

 

[Erosfan]

My condolences as well. Wish I had some advice for you.

Thank you.

 

[mark_j]

I could never get my wife to fully buy into the concept of "I'm in charge tonight so you're going to do what I say". She was generally much more passive/aggressive in her approach. Not to say we didn't have some fine wrestling matches over the years where she got pretty demanding but she would never initiate "taking charge" on her own. It was always more of a reaction to what was going on.

Of course now it really doesn't matter anymore. Since her illness and the subsequent damage it caused, there is no interest on her part for anything sexual.

 

[Sienna62]

hi I don’t know enough about any of this stuff but my wife and me we’re trying to learn to talk about what we want in bed and my wife wants some ideas or words to do her own looking around because she thinks it would also excite her more to give me what I need if it was not so much like I just gave her instructions and a script or whatever and then she just does that— and, she thinks also that her being excited more by it herself would help her do better at too so it’s not just that she wants to feel excited too (even though yes of course she does and I want her to also so I might actually have a different post soon speaking about stuff she wants from me)

Anyway so I have no thoughts on what it’s called that I like. I’m guessing it falls under a category like domination but I’m not looking for some kind of hardcore whatever, and not anything like being spanked or gagged. But I’d there anything out there that’s called something like ‘soft domination’ or something? Like, I suppose what I’m trying to say and what I’m looking for a name for is a thing like when the woman is in charge and being strict with me and kind of selfish, but not telling me what to do in an aggressive way, and things like keeping me hard but also frustrated and claiming she’s doing it for me but it’s really for her, and I don’t know, things like that. But again not aggressive, except, well, okay, except maybe sometimes aggressive in small instances like times when she’s about to cum or times during sex when she’s feeling really extra good and starts to get extra selfish.

So the thing about this is that yes, it would certainly be much simpler if she feels it would help her just to have me tell her just all of the above there because that’s a pretty good start—and I’m not saying it won’t come to that, we might try it just with my telling her if it comes down to it, or, a combination of that and her doing her own looking into things. BUT— again, the thing is, she feels it’ll excite her more if she has some ideas of things to look up on her own so she doesn’t feel she’s coming off like she’s just working off a script. That alone definitely works for some people I imagine, but she kind of already knows it doesn’t work very well for her when she feels scripted, I guess from past experiences with people.

PS: My other post I might do soon about her own needs and what she needs from me sort of has to do with all this by the way, because my general impression is she wants me to be aggressive with her but being aggressive during sex doesn’t really excite me so much. In terms of personal needs, when it comes to trying to address her needs specifically I don’t care so much about my own excitement per se, it’s only that I’m very worried if I’m not excited then, sure, I can go through the motions, but, will I stay hard when I’m doing that, and if not, then how does that meet her needs in the end if she’s saying she wants me to actually fuck her as an aggressive person who’s hard, and not just pleasure her in other ways while pretending to be aggressive? I thing I would need advice on how a guy can stay hard while doing aggressive stuff if being aggressive during sex isn’t naturally a turn on for the guy too. So first of all, by saying all that there, I’m saying I understand where she’s coming from about feeling the need to be a certain way for me in a way that also excites her because then she’ll be better at it. And second of all, yeah, a separate post soon will probably be asking about how I can figure it how to be excited playing a role that doesn’t naturally excite me so much. But to repeat, stuff about what I needed to figure out to be the way she wants while staying hard, that’s a separate post, I don’t want to mix that in if it’ll get me less answers on my main question of how to describe to my wife what I need from her. Keywords or whatever for her to research what I like on her is my assignment from her (so she’s already telling me what to do lol)

Okay Thank you for reading, if there’s any chance in hell anyone made it through all this I’ve just dropped right here!!

How did this develop , did you get what you want ?