My story

[Nickkazama]

I am currently in the middle of a story, but am stuck as where to take it.

Just thought I'd get some feedback.

So story scenario (I'll try not to be crude

man and woman having phone sex, they both get each other off.

And that's where I'm stuck. Do I take it further? I was thinking about using webcams, or perhaps the odd bit of flirting here or there.

 

[PennLady]

Not having read your story, I can't offer anything specific. I think you need to look at the story and figure out what you want to happen next. Are they working up to meeting in person? Would video cams be a step in that direction? Are they trying new things that they didn't before?

 

[Nickkazama]

Should I post it here?

 

[PennLady]

No, please don't post the story here. If it's already up at Literotica, then you can post a link to it and ask for feedback.

 

[BTTap]

Maybe...

instead of worrying where to take it, you concern yourself with where it came from. What I mean is, your summary of your story line so far is like 6 words. Who are they? Are they lovers, strangers, friends, acquaintences, co-workers, married to/in relationships with others? How did they meet? Was it their first go-around with phone sex with each other/ever?
Who is the pursuer, who is the pursued?
What challenges exist vis a vis the relationship? What do each of them want from it? Does one want to meet, but not the other, etc.? If so, why/why not?
Is the story intended to be dramatic, erotic, humorous, mysterious, any/all of the above?
Once you figure out who you are dealing with, and what brought each of them to the phone sex incident, maybe you can figure out where the story can go.

 

[Nickkazama]

To answer all of your questions, I'm going to number them.

1. Who are they: There's a male and a female, named Nick (using myself) and another character called Rachel.

2. Friends.

3. Yes it was, Rachel had teased Nick for a while, and he went home to get himself off, but Rachel knew his number (from exchanging it previously) and called him, knowing exactly what he was doing.

4. Rachel is pursuing Nick, in hopes to have a three with him and her daughter. (Weird, I know.)

5. I think discretion really, Rachel wants to tease and prolong a face-to-face encounter as long as possible. That's why I went down the line of phone sex, then a webcam interaction, then perhaps more phone sex (getting more comfortable). Just trying to build the tension a little, prolong the actual physical sex.

6. I have stated above what Rachel wants from it - an eventual threesome involving Rachel, Nick and her daughter, Roxanne.

7. They've met before in Church, where the lust began to build. This is just shortly before they have the said phone sex.

8. More than anything, I want it to be dramatic. Slowly building the encounter, letting the characters get more comfortable. Until finally - wham! - they decide to take it further. Then involve the daughter, and they both begin to seduce her.

I hope this helps. And explains. I'm still waiting for the story to be approved/denied, so once that's done, I can send you a link.

 

[Nickkazama]

Ok people here is the firs part of the story which is now live, feedback would be appreciated:

http://www.literotica.com/s/carnal-sin-ch-01

 

[Lien_Geller]

Ok then well the first thing I see is that this is incredibly short. I know it's a first try at a first section but even so. It's not just the length that bothers me either but rather the fact that it feels like half a chapter. It literally stops just after things are getting interesting. Now it's fine to do that to encourage the reader's appetite but you have to give a little to get a little and I don't think you've given enough here in the way of erotic content to get me interested.

I also noticed some problems with your writing. You start out by saying that your protagonist is a twenty-something. Being vague is fine if you're introducing him through someone else's eyes but when it's the narrator that's providing the description then you should probably be more accurate. Having the narrator say he's twenty something kind of comes across as just being lazy.

I also noticed that you give some very clinical descriptions of your characters. Descriptive writing is fine but you need to either have fun with it or turn the reader on with it.

- His name was Nick and was a well-built, 20-something male adult, with blue eyes and fair blonde hair, and also stood at 5'11" in height. -

That sounds less like an interesting character to me and more like a description that you'd give to the police in order to find the dude who you saw stealing your TV.

There's also some word usage that isn't necessary and just sounds clunky.

- but hadn't asked her to go out or anything. -

"Or anything" doesn't need to be there. It's redundant.

- Roxy herself was a petite woman, with brown hair, green eyes and she was only about 5'5" in height. Whilst Roxy's mother, Rachel, was the spitting image of her daughter, the only fact being she was her mum - except her Mum had black hair. -

Again with the facts and figures. I assume you're writing to turn on your reader here but all I get is a the cold bare essentials. What style is her hair? Does it make her look cute? What's her body like. Don't give me her damn bra size. Tell me what draws you to her. When you see a girl and think she's smokin' hot then that's fine but think about why she's smokin' hot. What makes her distinct and interesting? Nice ass? Long legs? Great skin? Striking eyes?

Also in that last extract you tell me that Rachel is her mum three times in one sentence. I got it the first time. ;o)

- Underneath her arms she had what looked like official church paperwork. Today she wore a floral dress that came down to her ankles, whilst her hair was untied and came down to her shoulders, and on her feet she wore plain sandals. -

Slightly better but still very distant and un-interesting to me.

You really need to think and plan your story better. Re-read what you've done to get out the errors and see if it flows properly. The situation here is pretty hot but I think you get carried away with wanting to get something out there so much that you've rushed the actual writing. It's a very common problem with new authors and it's a problem I still try to stamp out in my own work. Take a breath once you think it's done. Take your time and then go back over it to see if it sounds right and if it has really carried across what you want to say.

 

[Nickkazama]

I write how I want to write. If you don't like it then don't read it.

 

[sr71plt]

I write how I want to write. If you don't like it then don't read it.

Did you or did you not ask for feedback? Anyone else would be a chump to post to your request now, wouldn't they?

 

[Nickkazama]

Why'd you comment then??

 

[PennLady]

If you're going to ask for feedback, then you need to deal with it whether it's favorable or not. You can write "how you want to write," but that doesn't mean you write well.

I have to agree with Lien and some of your commenters. This is poorly written, and a lot of what's going on makes no sense. Why is Nick sitting in a church when there's no service going on? Why does Rachel have to go through the church to get to the offices? How do they know each other? What's their history?

There's no connection with anything, nothing seems grounded, and that's before we get to the mechanics of the writing. And I'll be honest, the mechanics were bad enough that I only skimmed after the first paragraphs.

I could offer more, but I gather you don't want it.

 

[sr71plt]

Why'd you comment then??

Because you asked for comment and then were snotty when someone gave it. Good luck on getting anyone else who wants to play with your attitude.

 

[Nickkazama]

Because you asked for comment and then were snotty when someone gave it. Good luck on getting anyone else who wants to play with your attitude.

Like I said I'll wrote how I want to write.

 

[Nickkazama]

To Reply to Penn,

I've literally based this from real life, so perhaps I know how it's connected.

I was writing one day on other stories, and had this idea pop into my head.

 

[rjordan]

This is certainly going well, isn't it?

What's the difference between a writer and a rhino?

A writer has thick skin.

rj

 

[Nickkazama]

Rhino's do have that bit horn though.

 

[sr71plt]

Like I said I'll wrote how I want to write.

Then why did you ask for feedback? You wanted everyone to slobber all over about how great it is, didn't you?

I suggest you change account names and drop your bitchy attitude sometime between this Lit. life and the next. You may be the only one who thinks you're God's gift to the rest of us.

 

[Nickkazama]

No, I know it's not good. I'm constantly re-editing it on my iPad. I'm disappointed that once its up you can't amend it.

I wanted people to be fair and understand that I'm a Virigin writer, I write purely for the entertainment of myself, and hope that someone else likes it. So what if it's poorly written? An experienced writer is going to make it out to be cheese, when they could do 10x better than me.

 

[GunmetalOrchid]

No, I know it's not good. I'm constantly re-editing it on my iPad. I'm disappointed that once its up you can't amend it.

I wanted people to be fair and understand that I'm a Virigin writer, I write purely for the entertainment of myself, and hope that someone else likes it. So what if it's poorly written? An experienced writer is going to make it out to be cheese, when they could do 10x better than me.

They were just trying to help you out m'dear, not pick apart your story and gobble it up. It is in the feed-back section of this board, so you are going to get feedback how people see your story, wiether they like it or not. Just how it goes.

 

[Nickkazama]

Yes, can understand that. Fair enough.

 

[PennLady]

No, I know it's not good. I'm constantly re-editing it on my iPad. I'm disappointed that once its up you can't amend it.

I wanted people to be fair and understand that I'm a Virigin writer, I write purely for the entertainment of myself, and hope that someone else likes it. So what if it's poorly written? An experienced writer is going to make it out to be cheese, when they could do 10x better than me.

But what exactly is fair? Do you want people to say, oh, this is bad but it's a first try so don't worry? If you just want positive comments, well ... good luck.

If you put a story up, and you want people to read it, then you should take the time and make the effort to make it readable. I agree people should be courteous and constructive when providing feedback, and sometimes they aren't. If you write something poorly, and leave comments open -- or ask for feedback -- you can't be upset or surprised when someone offers their opinion on it being poorly written. If you don't want comments like that, then improve your writing.

You can amend a story. After you make your edits, go to the submission page. In the title field, and the word "EDIT" after the title. Fill in the tags, tagline, etc., and attach your file or copy your corrected text into the box. In the notes field, specify that this is an edited version of a story. I believe edits take about as long to appear as a submitted story, approximately three days.

 

[Nickkazama]

Yep, I kind of get it now.

So thanks for your feedback, I looked through the FAQ and found that you can submit but just add "EDITED" in the title. I tried going to sleep but ended up amending my story, haha!

I always know it's going to be a work in progress with my writing, so yeah I'm going to get a lot of constructive comments now, totally understand that.

I did read through the comments and then made ammenmants, so and so forth. I know it'll need probably a few more edits, as I've only done halfway through so far.

So yeah, feedback's welcome.