seeking feedback on first story published.

[Anjalisinha]

Just dropped my first erotic story about a bold, married Indian woman on a wild 49-hour train ride.
Read it, rate it, and tell me how to make it even filthier, sharper — or wilder in future parts. I’m all ears

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-wild-train-journey-ch-01

more than anything I am looking for criticism where ever needed & and am willing to accept suggestion

 

[Izanami9]

Hi again Anjalisinha! Just left a comment to congratulate you on an extremely fun, sexy debut! Really well-written and hot as a hundred suns!

My only suggestion is that if you intend to go pro at any point, you take more time to proofread. There’s at least one page with paragraphs repeating twice in a row, and although redundancy is often effective for emphasis, it can be jarring when misplaced. Several paragraphs are missing final punctuation, and the narrative switches a few times between first- and third-person, which is a bit confusing.

Other than that, your writing is vibrant and engaging and full of life. Five stars !

 

[Anjalisinha]

Thankyou your suggestion.
Will look at all the things you said care fully.

 

[LucieLou007]

Have it bookmarked will read it in the morning, 2.45am UK now

 

[Michael682]

Just dropped my first erotic story about a bold, married Indian woman on a wild 49-hour train ride.
Read it, rate it, and tell me how to make it even filthier, sharper — or wilder in future parts. I’m all ears

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-wild-train-journey-ch-01

more than anything I am looking for criticism where ever needed & and am willing to accept suggestion

I’ve been hanging out in the wrong train stations. Definitely curious to see how the rest of the trip goes

 

[SkyBubble]

Just dropped my first erotic story about a bold, married Indian woman on a wild 49-hour train ride.
Read it, rate it, and tell me how to make it even filthier, sharper — or wilder in future parts. I’m all ears

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-wild-train-journey-ch-01

more than anything I am looking for criticism where ever needed & and am willing to accept suggestion

Does it switch from third-person to first-person for a reason?

 

[Anjalisinha]

Does it switch from third-person to first-person for a reason?

can't say that I'm very new in this writing, doing my best and learning from it.

Does it switch from third-person to first-person for a reason?

 

[SkyBubble]

OK. Unless you have a specific reason for switching, I'd go back and stick with one or the other. It will read better, more consistently, that way.

 

[Anjalisinha]

OK. Unless you have a specific reason for switching, I'd go back and stick with one or the other. It will read better, more consistently, that way.

Thankyou, from next part I am also planning it will be flashback of train journey from divya narrative while keeping dialogue from other ppl in narration as - he said she said

 

[wickedboy4u]

smiling..most of the things i intended to suggest ..are already there