My story, a first, you know, b'god!

[Stout chap]

Don't worry, I haven't written it in the psuedo-forties rubbish I speak like on here. It's a period piece, set in the 1880s, about milkmaids! I don't expect it to be any good; and I don't expect you to think it's any good. I think I went a bit bonkers with the adjectives, too. I don't know. Tell me what you think, and please be brutally honest about it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72573

 

[secret_love]

Hi,

Funny:

Did you mean to make this funny? The beginning kind of made me giggle.

Sex?
Gee, where is it? You took too long to get to the sex.


Boring Start:

If there is not much hot sex soon, I like an interesting, unusual story. Here is how you can make this better.

a. Reduce redundancy - "soupy", "milk" and "pink" appeared too many times in a short space.

b. Tense - I like reading past tense better. Since you used present tense, maybe doing something like this would have made me like the story better:

"The horny Lord enters the dairy, to find only one girl at work."
instead of the sentence you wrote in the 2nd paragraph.

Then say what the girl is doing. That can make a reader very hot. Is her bottom wiggling around as she searches for her lost milkpail in the straw?

c. Short sentences for little brains:
I do this, too. Some of your sentences were too wordy. This one is wordy (and gramatically incorrect, sorry : ( )

"The frilly frocks the maids wear are wholly unsuitable for their occupation, and they often spill milk on them as result of them getting in the way. "

Change to something like:

"The maids' frilly frocks are wholly unsuitable for their occupation. As a result they often spill milk on them--in the most inconvenient places. . . "

Then name some naughty places. Ok, I'm back to sex.

This is my two cents. Bon chance.

BTW, I am a girl.

 

[Stout chap]

Whew! an educational experience. I see what you mean, I don't have enough attention to detail, and I did rush things a bit. Ah well. I'll make it up next time!

 

[kristydoll]

Stout Chap...hmm....ummm *grins*

I must say, this is totally different from anything I've read in awhile. Actually, I was fairly entertained by it - but in a silly/fun way and not in an erotic way. But hey, there's nothing wrong with that *smiles*

You are right though, you did get a little carried away with the adverbs - but you knew that.

I would have also liked to have seen you write this tale in the past tense. It would have worked better.

I hope to read more of your work - I imagine you to have a warped sense of humor (much like myself).

Keep writing,
kristy

 

[weed]

lmao...I thought it was just right. And having seen you on the GB I think it suits you well.

I like 'em short like that, too.

Keep writing ole chap.

 

[PaulX35]

Stout Chap,

Jolly nice little piece of scrabbling, if I may say so, old chum

It was really fun to read I found; you managed well to paint the atmosphere.

I think you already pointed at your own weakness, but I have to add the situation in time as well as the person of your charcater would allow for a little extra in the adverb and adjectives department before normal levels of sufficiency are reached.

One little thing: was Fairfax meant as a family name or a first name? If I'm not mistaking, the Brits tend to address a Lord with his family name, Sirs however are addressed with their first name.

Keeping coming with this humourous style of stories

Paul

 

[Stout chap]

Thank you for your comments. I do not get on the internet, much, but the next story is under way! it'll be set ten years earlier in a different setting; I don't know, perhaps some ladies over-exert themselves at a ball. :O)