My Poetry - Feedback welcome

[slavebitch]

be warned, my poetry is not very good but it comes from what I am feeling. I'm not looking for people to tell me how bad it is, I already know, but if you have suggestions on how to improve my writing, I'm more that welcome to them.


bloody tendrils wave like clouds
the molasses sky thick with rain
dripping down her chest
acid and tears stain her face
she opens her mouth
silent screams fill the air
on her hands and knees
she whispers
"do with me as you please"

 

[slavebitch]

terrified she waits in the dark
unsure as to what will happen
silently she moans
her chains rattle as she moves
she hears footsteps in the distance
thud, thud, thud
they grow louder
a sharp sting spreads across her face
a hand print grows there
a tear escapes her eye
she feels warmth on her skin
she opens her mouth to speak
but cold metal fills it too soon
the gag is locked behind her head
she blinks.
another tear.
she thinks why me?
another smack to her delicate face
pleasure and pain become one
her head clears
finally, she understands
this is her place
her destiny is to serve

 

[westin00]

Is this a personal experience?

 

[slavebitch]

Is this a personal experience?

no, I wish it was though.

 

[westin00]

Well i thought it was amazing. Very sexual and dark. Keep writting and if youd ever like to rp. PM me.

 

[slavebitch]

Well i thought it was amazing. Very sexual and dark. Keep writting and if youd ever like to rp. PM me.

thanks.

 

[champagne1982]

bloody tendrils wave like clouds
the molasses sky thick with rain
dripping down her chest
acid and tears stain her face
she opens her mouth
silent screams fill the air
on her hands and knees
she whispers
"do with me as you please"

Hi SB. Welcome to the PF&D and I can see ways to improve your poetry. In this piece, I like the metaphor of the "molasses sky" it's very evocative. I think a simple rewording could clarify the image and may I suggest:

Bloody tendrils of clouds
thick with rain wave
in the molasses sky
the drops of acid sting
in the salt of tears

I made similar shifts in credulity, that make me wince now, as you have with "silent screams" and then the cliche of "fill the air". If you want to embrace surrealism perhaps there's a different idea that will serve as well. Consider her need to scream being so strong that it chokes her...

Agony chokes the scream
before it escapes
into the stillness of the air

And your close leaves me a little flat. It's a brazen "tell" statement that completely robs me of the experience you've created... I would find a way to show acceptance without actually having any subject narrate it to the reader.

I don't know if you've noticed that in my suggestions I have taken away any sense of a character being involved, that's because I like to see poetry that allows ME as a reader to step in and become the poetic subject. Creepy, I know, but I appreciate writing that can make me feel and see how it is to be tortured, to laugh or cry and to become spent merely through the skillful use of words.

Good luck when you work on these and thanks for contributing to the forum. If I may make a suggestion, if you find that you have time, perhaps visit the comment threads and others where people contribute in the hopes of feedback and leave them a simple line that indicates you've read and valued their efforts enough to say hello.

I hope you don't find my suggestions too intrusive and if you do, please feel free to discard them. This is your work and you have the ultimate say in how it's edited and in the final appearance of your poetry.

Take Care

 

[slavebitch]

Hi SB. Welcome to the PF&D and I can see ways to improve your poetry. In this piece, I like the metaphor of the "molasses sky" it's very evocative. I think a simple rewording could clarify the image and may I suggest:

Bloody tendrils of clouds
thick with rain wave
in the molasses sky
the drops of acid sting
in the salt of tears

I made similar shifts in credulity, that make me wince now, as you have with "silent screams" and then the cliche of "fill the air". If you want to embrace surrealism perhaps there's a different idea that will serve as well. Consider her need to scream being so strong that it chokes her...

Agony chokes the scream
before it escapes
into the stillness of the air

And your close leaves me a little flat. It's a brazen "tell" statement that completely robs me of the experience you've created... I would find a way to show acceptance without actually having any subject narrate it to the reader.

I don't know if you've noticed that in my suggestions I have taken away any sense of a character being involved, that's because I like to see poetry that allows ME as a reader to step in and become the poetic subject. Creepy, I know, but I appreciate writing that can make me feel and see how it is to be tortured, to laugh or cry and to become spent merely through the skillful use of words.

Good luck when you work on these and thanks for contributing to the forum. If I may make a suggestion, if you find that you have time, perhaps visit the comment threads and others where people contribute in the hopes of feedback and leave them a simple line that indicates you've read and valued their efforts enough to say hello.

I hope you don't find my suggestions too intrusive and if you do, please feel free to discard them. This is your work and you have the ultimate say in how it's edited and in the final appearance of your poetry.

Take Care

Thank you so much.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I think you can cut out a lot of the extra wordage as in

terrified waiting in the dark
unsure, she moans

do you see it still conveys the same meaning?