my poem .....my first here ...

[lawaris]

Dreams About You

Sometimes I wish you were here
Feeling me, touching me – showering your love & care
Speaking soundless words, dreaming dreams of tomorrow……
Of mornings when we wake up filled with love
With silly & happy grins on our faces above
And, of the nights of passion galore
Feeling Love gush out from our very core
A happy breakfast, a wishful bye’
Wishful looks which stifle a cry
Waiting dreamily in the evenings for me to come
For times when once again One we’ll become
Then maybe a stroll in the markets – so much to buy and see
Maybe a lil’ present I give you and you one to me
A romantic dinner followed by a lazy stroll to see
If others are as happy as we seem to be
Lying later in each others’ arms
Thinking of a wonderful tomorrows’ charms
Is a life I dream about whenever I think of us
Mornings, nights, evenings and dusk.

 

[JUDO]

first read

L -

Welcome to the poetry forum.

My first read of your poem: Your poem does a pretty good job of progressing from one point to the next (many poems have trouble with this). The rhyming scheme is a common one AA,BB, CC,DD, etc. and a good place to begin your poetry, but don't stay there.

With the title, I wanted you to describe more of what your dreams looked like and being dreams, they should have that sort've nonsense of flowing imagery about them. Your poem described more a life together that had many promises of a dreamy future together.

Some of the rhymes would only work in a audio reading like "us" and "dusk" at the end. And there are poets here that will tell you that they will never work; so take that advice as you will.

Also, some of he sentence structures got a little 'forced' to find the rhyme you needed. It's often better to rework these sentences to say the same thing, but with less odd sentence structure. The two that stuck out at me were:

Of mornings when we wake up filled with love
With silly & happy grins on our faces above

Yes, "love" and "above" rhyme, but your faces were above what exactly?

AND

Waiting dreamily in the evenings for me to come
For times when once again One we’ll become

Okay, nice thought, nice words, but that last part of the phrase "One we'll become" smacks of the twisted sentence structure often associated with "Yoda-speak." "Ah, a poet you will become. Good, you'll be."

It might've been associated with the King's english at one point in time, but it feels very awkward today. Try to say the same thing, but with different words and sentence structure in this kind of poem.

Don't get me wrong, in other kinds of poems, like "free verse" poems, these kind of phrases can work, but not when the rest of the poem is using more conventional structures. Don't mix the conventional with the unconventional, unless you plan to make that part of your artful approach.

--------------------------

Now, all that said. It's still a great first attempt. Please try to do more. Oh, and this is entirely my opinion as a reader, not as some authority, ok?

What one person reads and criticizes, others will cherish.


- Judo

 

[lawaris]

thanks for the suggestions .....I will try to improve on this ....

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Dreams About You

Here's another poetry critique. It's a harsh one!I can't read any other critiques before I write a review, so some of this stuff may already have been mentioned. Lawaris, you are a good writer and I hope you continue. I'm just saying my opinion to give you some feedback:

"Sometimes I wish you were here
Feeling me, touching me – showering your love & care
Speaking soundless words, dreaming dreams of tomorrow……"
*It was good breaking off these three lines with the "... ..." showing that you recognized the rest of the poem was in rhyme.

"Of mornings when we wake up filled with love
With silly & happy grins on our faces above"
*Our faces above? Above what? I don't understand that.

"And, of the nights of passion galore
Feeling Love gush out from our very core
*"gush" doesn't work for me here.

"A happy breakfast, a wishful bye"
*Second time you've used the word "happy." I believe you shouldn't overuse words (i.e. more than once!) unless you're trying to create a planned pattern in the poem. Even then, repetition is risky, I think.

"Wishful looks which stifle a cry"
*Second time you've used the word "wishful" And I'm not sure I understand. What kind of cry? How are wishful looks stifling them?

"Waiting dreamily in the evenings for me to come
For times when once again One we’ll become"
*That's okay.

Then maybe a stroll in the markets – so much to buy and see
Maybe a lil’ present I give you and you one to me
A romantic dinner followed by a lazy stroll to see
If others are as happy as we seem to be
*Now here's four lines all with the same rhyme. And you use "see" as the beginning rhyme both times. (Rhyme both times!)

"Lying later in each others’ arms
Thinking of a wonderful tomorrows’ charms
Is a life I dream about whenever I think of us
Mornings, nights, evenings and dusk."
*The last line is a bit strange, odd chronological order.



There ya go, hope that didn't hurt too much. Keep writing!!!