I've never read the Twilight books nor seen the Twilight movies personally. I mean, do I really have to in order to know what happens in them? Broody Bitch and Broody Bastard fall in love for some reason despite loads of shit happening all around them and despite the fact that they have no real reason to fall in love, they eventually squirt out a kid...other bouts of blahdeeblah. Some people love it, some people hate it, and there's no in-between unless you've never experienced it. And with Breaking Dawn inevitably coming out in theaters soon, it'll be another bout of pop culture dominated by Team Edward and Team Jacob and all this bullcrap.
Now, I've done some research--as I stated, in Breaking Dawn the book, Edward and Bella have a child and, with the name they gave her (Renesmee), I'm betting most people want to see Breaking Dawn the movie just to find out how the fuck to pronounce it. Now, even fans of the series hate this child they have, so you can bet that there may be quite a bit of backlash. I mean, as if Stephanie Meyer didn't already base Edward too much on Angel. Remember, vampires having children has totally been done--there's no conflict in that, there's no excitement.
Fear not, however, for I have a solution. And I think it's a solution that will make everyone happy and will surely make everyone appreciate the movie series a bit more.
I think that, when Edward and Bella have sex, as soon as Edward orgasms, he turns into a turnip.
Now, hear me out on this because I think I have something here. First and foremost, how can you not be interested in that? A vampire transforming into a turnip. Especially if there's a comical "POP!" sound effect when it happens, the kind you get when snapping your finger out of your mouth. Thrust thrust thrust grunt orgasm POP turnip. How does that not get a reaction?
The movie wouldn't end there, of course. Bella would stare at Edward the Turnip and would still have feeling for it. She'd carry the turnip around. Maybe she'd be talking to it (it can't talk back of course--it's a fucking turnip) and she'll put in on the counter, and her dad will walk into the room and go "Ooh, a turnip!". And he'll pick it up and try to take a bite out of it. But Bella will leap toward the turnip and snatch it out of his hand. She'll then stand up, cradle the turnip, yell "DON'T HURT EDWARD!", then storm out of the room.
Then she'll confront the Volturi. Without saying a word, she'll just hold up Edward the Turnip, and the members of the Volturi will simply smirk, as if they knew full well that, as soon as Edward porked Bella, he'd turn into a turnip. And one of them will be like, "Mm, yes, so Edward finally consummated the relationship. I knew the boy had it in him. We will now kill you and chop him up and you'll both make a wonderful garden salad, mwahahaha!"
And then, Jacob and his family/brotherhood/harem of werewolves will barge in, and Jacob will be all "No! She's coming with us, and Edward the Turnip, too!" And after, like, ten minutes of talking and brooding and all that crap, they all leave the Volturi. And Jacob is like, "I just saved your lives. Edward didn't do a damn thing because he's a turnip. I love you, Bella; let us run away together!"
And she looks at Jacob. Then she looks at the turnip. She looks between Jacob and the turnip.
"I don't know--"
"BITCH, HE'S A TURNIP!"
"But I love him."
"He's a taproot."
TO BE CONTINUED in "The Twilight Saga: Waning Gibbous"
Questions, comments?
Now, I've done some research--as I stated, in Breaking Dawn the book, Edward and Bella have a child and, with the name they gave her (Renesmee), I'm betting most people want to see Breaking Dawn the movie just to find out how the fuck to pronounce it. Now, even fans of the series hate this child they have, so you can bet that there may be quite a bit of backlash. I mean, as if Stephanie Meyer didn't already base Edward too much on Angel. Remember, vampires having children has totally been done--there's no conflict in that, there's no excitement.
Fear not, however, for I have a solution. And I think it's a solution that will make everyone happy and will surely make everyone appreciate the movie series a bit more.
I think that, when Edward and Bella have sex, as soon as Edward orgasms, he turns into a turnip.
Now, hear me out on this because I think I have something here. First and foremost, how can you not be interested in that? A vampire transforming into a turnip. Especially if there's a comical "POP!" sound effect when it happens, the kind you get when snapping your finger out of your mouth. Thrust thrust thrust grunt orgasm POP turnip. How does that not get a reaction?
The movie wouldn't end there, of course. Bella would stare at Edward the Turnip and would still have feeling for it. She'd carry the turnip around. Maybe she'd be talking to it (it can't talk back of course--it's a fucking turnip) and she'll put in on the counter, and her dad will walk into the room and go "Ooh, a turnip!". And he'll pick it up and try to take a bite out of it. But Bella will leap toward the turnip and snatch it out of his hand. She'll then stand up, cradle the turnip, yell "DON'T HURT EDWARD!", then storm out of the room.
Then she'll confront the Volturi. Without saying a word, she'll just hold up Edward the Turnip, and the members of the Volturi will simply smirk, as if they knew full well that, as soon as Edward porked Bella, he'd turn into a turnip. And one of them will be like, "Mm, yes, so Edward finally consummated the relationship. I knew the boy had it in him. We will now kill you and chop him up and you'll both make a wonderful garden salad, mwahahaha!"
And then, Jacob and his family/brotherhood/harem of werewolves will barge in, and Jacob will be all "No! She's coming with us, and Edward the Turnip, too!" And after, like, ten minutes of talking and brooding and all that crap, they all leave the Volturi. And Jacob is like, "I just saved your lives. Edward didn't do a damn thing because he's a turnip. I love you, Bella; let us run away together!"
And she looks at Jacob. Then she looks at the turnip. She looks between Jacob and the turnip.
"I don't know--"
"BITCH, HE'S A TURNIP!"
"But I love him."
"He's a taproot."
TO BE CONTINUED in "The Twilight Saga: Waning Gibbous"
Questions, comments?
