My girlfriend and i are new to the experience of BDSM. We have no problems when i am in the dom role, but when it comes to the switch, she finds it hard to assert herself without a given role. can anyone help her to punish me or at least give us some ideas
my girlfriend needs your help.
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Kajira Callista
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maybe she is a submissive and doesnt know how to be in the other role.nex883 said:
Kajira Callista
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maybe you shold just enjoy her submissive nature and not try to make her into something else?nex883 said:
Rrrosyn
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IF she want to be in the role...
She should read up on how to enjoy dominance. Some lovely websites out there. Akasha's, Rika's, RWDDH, Around Her Finger... just be careful what you ask for because she might not want to give the power up once she has it!
Personally, roleplaying or trying to follow a script makes me laugh so hard I can't possibly be serious about dealing out a flogging. But reading a bit sometimes gets me into the mood.
She should read up on how to enjoy dominance. Some lovely websites out there. Akasha's, Rika's, RWDDH, Around Her Finger... just be careful what you ask for because she might not want to give the power up once she has it!
Personally, roleplaying or trying to follow a script makes me laugh so hard I can't possibly be serious about dealing out a flogging. But reading a bit sometimes gets me into the mood.
FurryFury
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Hi Rrrosyn!
Roleplay is my life. If I didn't do it well I literally wouldn't be here today. Now I love it.
Nex883,
Her homework is to read one of the above sites that Rrrosyn posted. I've read Akasha's and now when I find time I'm going to reference these others.
Your homework is to decide what you most want her to do. PM me that and I'll give you some pointers that might come close to a script. Ultimately you will have to write the script because you know your lady and yourself better than I ever will.
Keep in mind what Kajira said too. She said that once your lady takes control she might not want to give it up and maybe you should just enjoy her submissive nature period. She has a point. She is a smart lady. This whole thing falls under the heading of be careful what you want, you just might get it.
Fury
Roleplay is my life. If I didn't do it well I literally wouldn't be here today. Now I love it.
Nex883,
Her homework is to read one of the above sites that Rrrosyn posted. I've read Akasha's and now when I find time I'm going to reference these others.
Your homework is to decide what you most want her to do. PM me that and I'll give you some pointers that might come close to a script. Ultimately you will have to write the script because you know your lady and yourself better than I ever will.
Keep in mind what Kajira said too. She said that once your lady takes control she might not want to give it up and maybe you should just enjoy her submissive nature period. She has a point. She is a smart lady. This whole thing falls under the heading of be careful what you want, you just might get it.
Fury
bullaford
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nex883 said:
If this has not conveyed your true question, perhaps you could try to clarify for us.
As for the girlfriend, some people are very uncomfortable in the Dom role. No matter how you cut it, or what "role", or name you try to call it, they cannot do it. It makes them uneasy, embarrassed, stressed, find it funny, etc. You cannot force somebody to be something they are not.
As for specific roles .. read up on stories, be creative and come up with a simple "bad boy needs to be punished" type of deal.
I am with Rrrosyn on the roleplaying and scripting, I find it extremely awkward and silly. I am not a sub, have no desire to be a sub and think that trying to role play one would just be retardedly stupid. Plus, I would get NO GRATIFICATION from it.
mastagraff
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tell her to beat the living shit out of you 
jadefirefly
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I so have to agree with some of the above posters -- just because part of her wants to be able to, doesn't necessarily mean she's going to be able to for sure.
I don't want to discourage either of you, just keep it in mind. I know, on some days, I'd -love- to be able to be more dominant, but it's a passing thing for me. I also feel silly, and directionless, when put in that situation, and no matter how much I thought I wanted it, I'm always immensely relieved when someone else takes the control back again.
So definitely, do homework and look into it. But don't be disappointed if it never falls into place just right. Not everyone is suited to playing both sides of the game.
I don't want to discourage either of you, just keep it in mind. I know, on some days, I'd -love- to be able to be more dominant, but it's a passing thing for me. I also feel silly, and directionless, when put in that situation, and no matter how much I thought I wanted it, I'm always immensely relieved when someone else takes the control back again.
So definitely, do homework and look into it. But don't be disappointed if it never falls into place just right. Not everyone is suited to playing both sides of the game.
BeachGurl2
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I have to agree with a couple of the other posters here as well. As a sub, there are times I think I want to take a more dominant role, but when I'm actually in the moment, I just can't. Usually, I giggle too much or just feel really embarrassed and don't know what to do. I also know for a fact that I can't inflict pain - sure, I sometimes think I want to, but it's just impossible for me to do. So maybe try some of the other things suggested, but don't be too hard on her if she just can't get there. She may just not be able to switch.
shy slave
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I agree with other posters here.
The confidence to be a Dominant or a submissive comes from within.
Lots of people want to be able to achieve something but for various reasons can't.
Some people can role play at being either, but that may not be where their mindset is.
I am curious though, if its your g/f who wants to play the Domme, why are you asking on her behalf?
The confidence to be a Dominant or a submissive comes from within.
Lots of people want to be able to achieve something but for various reasons can't.
Some people can role play at being either, but that may not be where their mindset is.
I am curious though, if its your g/f who wants to play the Domme, why are you asking on her behalf?
my wife has a very dominant sexual personality, however, when it comes to her being a dominatrix to me, she has a little difficulty bringing this alter-ego out in full force. She says it is just because it is me - we have a lot of fun and sometimes get a bad case of the giggles. If this hapens, it is usually helpful to blindfold me so I am not looking at her, and then I am punished more harshly if I laugh at her. After a few minutes, we are both really into the whole scene and her alter-ego has taken over. After that, she can take off my blindfold if she wants and we are so into what we are doing that there is no laughing!
As far as the "not being able to hurt you" thing goes, there is a difference between "hurt" and "injure". Once she figures out that you want to be "hurt" but not necessarily "injured" and finds your threshhold between the two, things will go much smoother. This is largely a trial-and-error thing and takes time to find. I have a really high pain threshhold and my wife was a little hesitant to keep increasing the intensity, but she has over time. She is still a little more conservative than I would prefer, but she has not stopped increasing the intensity yet, either. I think being a little conservative is normal for women in a dominant role in a long-term loving relationship - after all, sex is just sex and they don't want to really injure you.
As far as the "not being able to hurt you" thing goes, there is a difference between "hurt" and "injure". Once she figures out that you want to be "hurt" but not necessarily "injured" and finds your threshhold between the two, things will go much smoother. This is largely a trial-and-error thing and takes time to find. I have a really high pain threshhold and my wife was a little hesitant to keep increasing the intensity, but she has over time. She is still a little more conservative than I would prefer, but she has not stopped increasing the intensity yet, either. I think being a little conservative is normal for women in a dominant role in a long-term loving relationship - after all, sex is just sex and they don't want to really injure you.
Joe Schmoe
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Marquis said:
Too rich...and on the money.Joe Schmoe
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nex883 said:
By all indication from what you supplied us with, she is submissive, not switch but submissive.
So stop switching and dominate the girl.
One former partner of mine--very much a Domme, and always in control--had entered the lifestyle as a sub. From time to time, she still craved the intense sensations of bottoming--a flogging, for example, or clamps, or occasionally double-penetration with a plug in back and me in the front. Sometimes when we made love, she would command me to do these things for/to her; I think she enjoyed not only the physical sensations, but also my inner struggle as I complied with her demands. It was much harder for me to do these things to her than to submit to her doing them to me, and I think that aspect of it made her even more excited.
My point is, there are clear Dominants out there who none-the-less have certain masochistic feelings, craving the intense sensation of having "pain" inflicted upon them. She handled that need in herself by "topping from the bottom"--creating interactions where she could experience those sensations, yet remain in control. This also satisfied my curiosity and interest in learning topping techniques, without putting me in the position of having to Dom a woman--something that is normally a complete buzz-kill for me.
Perhaps your situation is similar? There are a million ways that D/s couples fit together, but I think that true, perfect switch couples are exceedingly rare. I suspect it's possible that you're a Dom who wants to take a physically passive role in your play at times, while she "does all the work." She may be a pure sub who might enjoy taking the more physically active part in a scene, serving you by worshipping you in a variety of ways designed to excite and arouse you. These desires don't make you switches; they just inform the kinds of activities you might want to explore as you play.
Certainly, you can do your initial explorations in this area in that context, if it makes either or both of you more comfortable. For example, after flogging her, you might stand her up, hand her the flogger, and order her to flog you with X number of strokes. If she balks, tell her that for every stroke she falls short, you're going to give her two. And tell her she has to mean it--strokes that are too light won't count.
This sort of play will give her a taste of topping without having to assume the Dominant role and responsibility, and let you experience the sensations of bottoming without really submitting--remember, you're really the one in control of the situation. Gradually, as she becomes more comfortable with the activities, she'll come to know whether she really wants to take a dominant role some of the time, or whether her toppy feelings can be satisfied without breaking her more comfortable submissive persona.
Edited to add: By the way, there are damn few things more exciting to some subs--say, me, for example --than submitting to a Dominant who's proven she can take everything she's giving you, and more. Then, you know she's for real and she means it, and isn't just some poseur working out her hostility toward the opposite sex on your ass.
My point is, there are clear Dominants out there who none-the-less have certain masochistic feelings, craving the intense sensation of having "pain" inflicted upon them. She handled that need in herself by "topping from the bottom"--creating interactions where she could experience those sensations, yet remain in control. This also satisfied my curiosity and interest in learning topping techniques, without putting me in the position of having to Dom a woman--something that is normally a complete buzz-kill for me.
Perhaps your situation is similar? There are a million ways that D/s couples fit together, but I think that true, perfect switch couples are exceedingly rare. I suspect it's possible that you're a Dom who wants to take a physically passive role in your play at times, while she "does all the work." She may be a pure sub who might enjoy taking the more physically active part in a scene, serving you by worshipping you in a variety of ways designed to excite and arouse you. These desires don't make you switches; they just inform the kinds of activities you might want to explore as you play.
Certainly, you can do your initial explorations in this area in that context, if it makes either or both of you more comfortable. For example, after flogging her, you might stand her up, hand her the flogger, and order her to flog you with X number of strokes. If she balks, tell her that for every stroke she falls short, you're going to give her two. And tell her she has to mean it--strokes that are too light won't count.
This sort of play will give her a taste of topping without having to assume the Dominant role and responsibility, and let you experience the sensations of bottoming without really submitting--remember, you're really the one in control of the situation. Gradually, as she becomes more comfortable with the activities, she'll come to know whether she really wants to take a dominant role some of the time, or whether her toppy feelings can be satisfied without breaking her more comfortable submissive persona.
Edited to add: By the way, there are damn few things more exciting to some subs--say, me, for example
--than submitting to a Dominant who's proven she can take everything she's giving you, and more. Then, you know she's for real and she means it, and isn't just some poseur working out her hostility toward the opposite sex on your ass.
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DVS
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Some people are just submissive, some are just dominant. There are also some who are switches, but you can't fit a square peg in a round hole.
IF she is a switch, I'd advise HER to read up on some female Domme/male sub stories here on Lit. See if anything interests her. There are quite a few stories for her to read, so if she doesn't find anything of interest, I'd say she is not a switch.
You can look for the same kind of stories and when you find one you like, have her read it to see if she enjoys it, too. BUT, if she honestly doesn't find it erotic, you shouldn't force it on her. If you force her into something she doesn't enjoy, she will come to hate you for it, eventually. This must be her choice.
Now, if she finds it isn't her thing, and she wants to still give you something you enjoy, that is up to her. But, you must understand she is probably not going to find that as enjoyable and because of that, her heart won't be into it. From your question, that sounds more like what you are trying to do, because if she was a switch, I don't think it would be that difficult for her to think of some way to dominate you. You see what I mean? She might be only trying to please her Dom, just like a good submissive would.
But, whatever the case may be, this BDSM thing is only for people who enjoy it consentually. Being forced into any given role is not what it's about. For the maximum enjoyment of both partners, they must be who and what they are.
Roleplaying is picking a scenario and staying within the boundaries of that scene. Each player will choose a character they relate with (dominant, submissive or switch), and the scenario goes on from there. Except for that basic scenario, there is no real set pattern that must be followed. There is no script, or I think it would be kind of boring for some, always knowing what is coming next. Maybe FurryFury could explain better, if and where I'm wrong.
And, I wonder if anyone would really enjoy sticking to a set script. After all, the submissive usually enjoys being in the Dominant's control, not knowing what he/she might be required to do as a sexual service.
I can see it now...
"OK, it says here I flog you 100 times and you are suppose to scream and squirm around. Then, after that, I fuck you hard and we both cum. But, it says here that I cum before you do, so be sure you remember that."
Now, when you're just experimenting to find out what you enjoy, playing the other side is OK. Sometimes it's necessary to test drive a car to see if you enjoy how it rides. But, that is not roleplaying.
Bottom line...if she finds she doesn't enjoy the dominant role, let it go. She might not be a switch. And, there's nothing at all wrong with that.
IF she is a switch, I'd advise HER to read up on some female Domme/male sub stories here on Lit. See if anything interests her. There are quite a few stories for her to read, so if she doesn't find anything of interest, I'd say she is not a switch.
You can look for the same kind of stories and when you find one you like, have her read it to see if she enjoys it, too. BUT, if she honestly doesn't find it erotic, you shouldn't force it on her. If you force her into something she doesn't enjoy, she will come to hate you for it, eventually. This must be her choice.
Now, if she finds it isn't her thing, and she wants to still give you something you enjoy, that is up to her. But, you must understand she is probably not going to find that as enjoyable and because of that, her heart won't be into it. From your question, that sounds more like what you are trying to do, because if she was a switch, I don't think it would be that difficult for her to think of some way to dominate you. You see what I mean? She might be only trying to please her Dom, just like a good submissive would.
But, whatever the case may be, this BDSM thing is only for people who enjoy it consentually. Being forced into any given role is not what it's about. For the maximum enjoyment of both partners, they must be who and what they are.
Roleplaying is picking a scenario and staying within the boundaries of that scene. Each player will choose a character they relate with (dominant, submissive or switch), and the scenario goes on from there. Except for that basic scenario, there is no real set pattern that must be followed. There is no script, or I think it would be kind of boring for some, always knowing what is coming next. Maybe FurryFury could explain better, if and where I'm wrong.
And, I wonder if anyone would really enjoy sticking to a set script. After all, the submissive usually enjoys being in the Dominant's control, not knowing what he/she might be required to do as a sexual service.
I can see it now...
"OK, it says here I flog you 100 times and you are suppose to scream and squirm around. Then, after that, I fuck you hard and we both cum. But, it says here that I cum before you do, so be sure you remember that."
Now, when you're just experimenting to find out what you enjoy, playing the other side is OK. Sometimes it's necessary to test drive a car to see if you enjoy how it rides. But, that is not roleplaying.
Bottom line...if she finds she doesn't enjoy the dominant role, let it go. She might not be a switch. And, there's nothing at all wrong with that.
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FurryFury
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I've been given tasks to do that had me being dominant acting in certain ways. Clear things I was supposed to do were included and clear things I was not supposed to do.
I enjoyed these very much and so did my vic...I mean husband.
Still within those guidelines there was a lot of room for spontaneity.
I also found out I can do some things that I didn't know I could.
In one memorable case he found out spankings could feel good and pain could feel good.
So I have rather positive feelings about tasks and role play. I enjoyed each scenario I've been given.
Fury
I enjoyed these very much and so did my vic...I mean husband.
Still within those guidelines there was a lot of room for spontaneity.
I also found out I can do some things that I didn't know I could.
In one memorable case he found out spankings could feel good and pain could feel good.
So I have rather positive feelings about tasks and role play. I enjoyed each scenario I've been given.
Fury
