My GF likes to see other guys use and control me ?

[mike300800]

I am new here. Posted essentially this same question on the Fetish board but wondered if it is more appropriate for here ?? There are a couple of questions at the end of this. Would love feedback especially from women but men welcome as well.

My GF likes to see me get topped by other guys. It started out as us experimenting with 3somes but has evolved into something much different. At first the experimentation was kind of intense and the bi aspect of it kind of morphed over time. She really got into seeing two guys together and her enthusiasm was contagious. But over time it became all about me being topped and she really gets turned on by my discomfort and even pain.

I will admit that I have started to enjoy the submission part (easy to admit since no one on here knows me) but I don't know why. Plus as I said, she gets so into it. I enjoy seeing her get so excited and she once said that she loves that I will do this for her. I don't really want the pain part though and she seems to love it. Afterwards she always says that next time she will make sure that its not painful, but then it keeps getting worse and she keeps taking a more active role.

The last time she set this up it was a surprise and the guy was much larger than me and well endowed. He was in charge from the very beginning but that part is not unusual. However, after a bit I started to pull away because of the pain but he pushed me down on the bed and kept going and she immediately started cumming. She even laid on top of me a bit which made it harder for me to move. I was moaning loudly and she started kissing me very passionately even putting her tongue into my mouth. She came twice in less than 5 mins just by playing with herself during this part of the encounter.

Is it normal for her to get into this so much ??? Why does she enjoy seeing me being controlled like this and the pain part ? The rest of our life is very normal and she actually treats me much better now than she used to. She does everything for me, my friends think she is the perfect GF. I asked her to marry me a couple of years ago and she said no but now she is asking me to get married ! She says that when I submit for her like that it proves how much I lover her. I just wonder if this is a sign of things that will progress in the future ? Like I said, right now, everything else is so perfect its scary !

I guess I am wondering if other women have this same fantasy ? And also should I expect that this will grow into something else ? So far I have dealt with it because some aspects are enjoyable AND because of how perfect everything else seems to be now.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sounds like a perfect fantasy.

If it is real? Learn the fuck to negotiate.
Pain is great, humiliation is fucking awesome, being harmed-- not so much. Get the ouchies being fucked, but don't let some strange dude tear you up. Learn and enforce safe sex habits/

Marry the lady, but not without knowing where it starts and stops. Get a good prenup agreement, I dunno.

And read the essay linked in my sig, okay?

 

[njlauren]

Reading your story the question I have is do you enjoy what is happening, do you feel like you like going down this path with her, or are you doing it because in the end she is all the more loving towards you for doing it?

What concerns me here is the description you are giving could be (note I am saying could be, not is) coercion, that you obviously are happy with the way she is treating you outside the play activities you describe, she is being nice and loving towards you, etc....it could be she is thrilled you are willing to submit like that, but what concerns me is this could get out of hand, where she is so getting off on you being hurt and humiliated that it is like a drug, and the niceness is because she is getting her 'fix'. I don't know how often you do these kind of things, but tell me, when you haven't done them in a while, does she push harder and harder to have you submit to another guy? Does she get more removed from you emotionally, less nice, if it doesn't happen? I guess what I am asking is does she love you for who you are, or is she happy she found someone willing to give her what she wants and in turn is nice to you because you do? There is a difference between cherishing someone's submission to you IMO and using someone, and that is my concern here. Obviously, if you are happy with what is going on, if you are a wiling participant, then it sounds like you are a pig in shit, but if you feel like somehow this is less and less about you and more about her, then I would be concerned. It is obvious she gets off on the pain aspects of you being dominated, but if it keeps getting deeper and deeper and you are not enjoying it, she has to realize it is no longer play, and it worries me that she may in effect forget about you in pushing it deeper and deeper after promising not to. It is okay to do something for someone else even if it doesn't turn you on particularly, it isn't if you are forcing yourself to do something you don't enjoy to please her and she keeps blowing by your limits.

If you feel like this is going too far or if you feel like she is forgetting about you or is being nice to you simply to get you to do these things (and you don't like it), you may want to talk to her about it. She may not even realize what she is doing, if she is really turned on by this it is very easy to get lost and forget there is a person (you) on the other end of these things, and it can end up where she pushes you deeper and deeper giving her a bigger high, till one day you have had enough and tell her to fuck off because she is using you.....if you have concerns, the person you should be talking to is her.

BTW, this isn't an unknown situation, some women really love having their guy be dominated by another man, be 'forced' to have sex with them, etc, and there is nothing wrong with that, as long as the guy is okay with it and isn't being coerced in some way into doing it. Like I said, if you have concerns, talk to her about it, if things have gone to far in some ways , if you feel she is going beyond your limits, you should talk to her and tell her. If she gets upset that some things are too much, if she then retaliates by pulling away from you, being less nice, I would seriously look at your relationship, that would be troubling; but if she listens and is willing to negotiate and is still your sweetie, well, then you are the pig in shit

 

[satindesire]

I am new here. Posted essentially this same question on the Fetish board but wondered if it is more appropriate for here ?? There are a couple of questions at the end of this. Would love feedback especially from women but men welcome as well.

My GF likes to see me get topped by other guys. It started out as us experimenting with 3somes but has evolved into something much different. At first the experimentation was kind of intense and the bi aspect of it kind of morphed over time. She really got into seeing two guys together and her enthusiasm was contagious. But over time it became all about me being topped and she really gets turned on by my discomfort and even pain.

I will admit that I have started to enjoy the submission part (easy to admit since no one on here knows me) but I don't know why. Plus as I said, she gets so into it. I enjoy seeing her get so excited and she once said that she loves that I will do this for her. I don't really want the pain part though and she seems to love it. Afterwards she always says that next time she will make sure that its not painful, but then it keeps getting worse and she keeps taking a more active role.

The last time she set this up it was a surprise and the guy was much larger than me and well endowed. He was in charge from the very beginning but that part is not unusual. However, after a bit I started to pull away because of the pain but he pushed me down on the bed and kept going and she immediately started cumming. She even laid on top of me a bit which made it harder for me to move. I was moaning loudly and she started kissing me very passionately even putting her tongue into my mouth. She came twice in less than 5 mins just by playing with herself during this part of the encounter.

Is it normal for her to get into this so much ??? Why does she enjoy seeing me being controlled like this and the pain part ? The rest of our life is very normal and she actually treats me much better now than she used to. She does everything for me, my friends think she is the perfect GF. I asked her to marry me a couple of years ago and she said no but now she is asking me to get married ! She says that when I submit for her like that it proves how much I lover her. I just wonder if this is a sign of things that will progress in the future ? Like I said, right now, everything else is so perfect its scary !

I guess I am wondering if other women have this same fantasy ? And also should I expect that this will grow into something else ? So far I have dealt with it because some aspects are enjoyable AND because of how perfect everything else seems to be now.

One of the things I want to address specifically here is the whole "Why does she-" part of your post.

No one can tell us "Why" anyone is kinky. I believe, personally, that kink is as much a sexual orientation as being straight, gay, pansexual or what have you. I believe that it's just the way that person's brain is wired, that they're born like that. So unfortunately, I don't think -anyone- will be able to tell you "Why" with an answer that'll truly explain it to you in the way you're looking for. The answer is "Because." I'm sorry, but until we map the brain and learn what every single little neuron does, we won't have those kinds of answers.

Also: You need a safeword. Seriously.

 

[Loverskitten]

Actually, the first thing I would address is the pain. You don't like it, it goes too far. Do you have a safe word? You've talked to her about it and she didn't listen or respect you. She flat out lied to you. This could be dangerous.

 

[Loverskitten]

Let me also chime in with, Sadists like to see people in pain (male and female Sadists) I had an ex who DID NOT enjoy nipple torture. But he had the cutest pink nipples and his flinching and wincing was so adorable, I couldn't help myself. I kept doing it, pushing and giggling. Finally he had to make it VERY clear that he hated this. He looked me in the eyes and sternly told me "NO! It's a turn off for me!"
Sounds like she hasn't gotten the point. Even though it turns her on, eventually YOU'LL want to be happy too (and feel safe)

 

[BrightlyGo]

My GF likes to see me get topped by other guys.

i'm envious. ;>

Is it normal for her to get into this so much ???

Nothing about BDSM is 'normal,' it's very much a set of kinks that are each enjoyed by a small minority. Is it 'wrong' or pathological in some way - NO. ... but...

Why does she enjoy seeing me being controlled like this and the pain part ?

She might like seeing you controlled because she wants to be more dominant, yet isn't entirely comfortable doing it, herself, so she's using these other guys as proxies - just speculating. If she's thought about it and been honest with herself (and is willing to be honest with you) she might be able to tell you. People who like inflicting pain in an erotic context are called 'sadists,' but that's no an explanation.

In both cases, an explanation might not even be helpful - as long as she's being honest about what she enjoys and respectful of your limits, that she enjoys it may well be enough.

The rest of our life is very normal and she actually treats me much better now than she used to. She does everything for me, my friends think she is the perfect GF. I asked her to marry me a couple of years ago and she said no but now she is asking me to get married ! She says that when I submit for her like that it proves how much I lover her. I just wonder if this is a sign of things that will progress in the future?

It could be that you'll get into a dynamic in which she bribes and cajoles you to get the sex life she wants from you. Or it could be that getting you to do these things really was about some sort of 'proof,' and now that she has it, she might need to 'test' you less often - or more often and more severely.

Relationships are never easy and simple, with or without kinks like this.

I guess I am wondering if other women have this same fantasy ?

They do, yes. i've known a few who like the imagery of men doing eachother, and one of them was a dominatrix who would have her subs make out for her (we were all very young and relatively innocent at the time ). There's even a genre called 'Yaoi,' in Japanese anime and manga, that's for the enjoyment of young women, but features male character getting it on with each other, and it's gotten a following outside of Japan (here's an english-language web-comic in the genre: http://starfightercomic.com/ ).

So she is not alone.

And also should I expect that this will grow into something else ? So far I have dealt with it because some aspects are enjoyable AND because of how perfect everything else seems to be now.

If you get married or stay in a long-term relationship with her, you should expect that you'll both change - hopefully grow and change in mostly-positive ways - and that your relationship will evolve over time. That is normal. You can't predict the future, but you can be participant in making it - try to be as open as you can about how you feel, what you're happy, willing, reluctant, or unwilling to do (and, most importantly, what you can't do/allow), and listen actively to what she wants and needs (and can't handle - she'll have limits, too).

'Testing' or 'pushing' limits is part of the D/s dynamic, but pushing them beyond the realm of consent should not be. You could get hurt - not just physically. You could end up being raped by one of these playmates she brings home to you. Your relationship could turn abusive. You have a responsibility to yourself (and to her, really) to do your part in preventing anything like that. Negotiate what's acceptable and not. Set limits, including what limits can be tested/pushed and which are 'hard.' Pre-arrange signals (like a safe word) so that you can express a need to 'back off' the intensity of a scene without ruining it - or end a scene if you can no longer consent to it. A lot of people use a simple 'traffic signal' - say 'green' if she or another top ask if you're alright and you're good to continue, 'yellow' if you're having trouble and need them to dial it down or make an adjustment, 'red' to call it off. Find ways of handling the risk involved that work for both of you.

 

[njlauren]

Women getting turned on by men having sex, forced or otherwise, is not that uncommon. Women can be turned on by gay porn, supposedly some percent of gay porn is watched by straight women, and in the 'adult romance', 'adult erotica' genre, there is a pretty large gay romance/erotica category, and most of the people buying these books are straight women (go on goodreads or on amazon in their e-book section and look at the comments being written about the gay male romance/erotica.......).

 

[mike300800]

I posted here not really thinking about the true BDSM aspect of my situation. Just seemed like a place to post. I guess we don't really treat it as BDSM for the most part but perhaps I should ? I have learned to enjoy MOST of what occurs. Perhaps I need to reconsider my true role in this ??? After reading some of the responses I am wondering ??? For the most part, with only a couple of exceptions, the situation has not been anything where I would truly get hurt ... and I do enjoy the submission .... and some amount of pain does add to the intensity.

I guess what worries me is how truly turned on she gets and worried that it might go too far and she would not stop things or help me stop them. Because we don't treat it as BDSM per se, we have never discussed having a safe word. Perhaps if we treated it as true BDSM and discussed some of that .... and if I felt comfortable that I could trust her in the heat of the moment ....

Thanks for the feedback all, some things to consider for sure .............

 

[KoPilot]

Yeah, the thing BDSM is famous for is its tendency to neessitate levels and quality of communication that more vanilla arrangements might not require. Explicitly agreed upon arrangements are the norm in this corner of the sex world. I think it would benefit the both of you to start thinking of things as being more along these lines if it helps facilitate better communication. Talk everything out. Everything. It's not going to be sexy, and its probably not going to be fun, but it's important and it'll help the both of you figure out how to keep you safe and happy in this arrangement.

 

[mike300800]

I haven't noticed her getting more or less affectionate based on our frequency but perhaps its because its become rather frequent (couple of times a month)? We don't talk about it that much at all and frankly some of that is by my choice ... I think I enjoy the not knowing what to expect aspect. Plus the submission/pain aspect just kind of evolved over time so its not like we discussed that part of it.

I am not unhappy with most of the situation. I didn't consciously choose it but I will admit that it is incredibly intense for me each time. I think maybe one of the reasons I don't talk to her about limits etc is because that would require me to be a "willing" participant in these gay submissive activities ???

 

[Stella_Omega]

Even as an "unwilling" participant, it really is best to have those conversations. She can count on your 'unwillingness' as long as she doesn't put you into the hospital, for instance. Then it becomes less "unwilling" and more potentially "criminal action," yanno?

You're not gay, BTW. You're bisexual, like probably 75% of men to one extent or the other

Anyway, it all sounds seriously hot to me.

 

[mike300800]

Yes, it is very very intense. Sometimes I wonder but I don't think I would want it to stop. I like the fact that I didn't "choose" to do these things. So far the only pain has just been because of vigorous anal sex (or the guy being endowed) and I have seen no indication that she wants to expand that. Its just that part of it that turns her on.

But I hear everyone. I need to talk to her.

 

[Eastcoast1956]

I am new here. Posted essentially this same question on the Fetish board but wondered if it is more appropriate for here ?? There are a couple of questions at the end of this. Would love feedback especially from women but men welcome as well.

My GF likes to see me get topped by other guys. It started out as us experimenting with 3somes but has evolved into something much different. At first the experimentation was kind of intense and the bi aspect of it kind of morphed over time. She really got into seeing two guys together and her enthusiasm was contagious. But over time it became all about me being topped and she really gets turned on by my discomfort and even pain.

I will admit that I have started to enjoy the submission part (easy to admit since no one on here knows me) but I don't know why. Plus as I said, she gets so into it. I enjoy seeing her get so excited and she once said that she loves that I will do this for her. I don't really want the pain part though and she seems to love it. Afterwards she always says that next time she will make sure that its not painful, but then it keeps getting worse and she keeps taking a more active role.

The last time she set this up it was a surprise and the guy was much larger than me and well endowed. He was in charge from the very beginning but that part is not unusual. However, after a bit I started to pull away because of the pain but he pushed me down on the bed and kept going and she immediately started cumming. She even laid on top of me a bit which made it harder for me to move. I was moaning loudly and she started kissing me very passionately even putting her tongue into my mouth. She came twice in less than 5 mins just by playing with herself during this part of the encounter.

Is it normal for her to get into this so much ??? Why does she enjoy seeing me being controlled like this and the pain part ? The rest of our life is very normal and she actually treats me much better now than she used to. She does everything for me, my friends think she is the perfect GF. I asked her to marry me a couple of years ago and she said no but now she is asking me to get married ! She says that when I submit for her like that it proves how much I lover her. I just wonder if this is a sign of things that will progress in the future ? Like I said, right now, everything else is so perfect its scary !

I guess I am wondering if other women have this same fantasy ? And also should I expect that this will grow into something else ? So far I have dealt with it because some aspects are enjoyable AND because of how perfect everything else seems to be now.

I have a submisive relationship with my father in law to control my husbands mouth from embarassing people found out it is a danger being controled. My husband did not know I was useing the promis of sex to control him until I lost control and slept with an old boyfriend and he asked me why. Control is a slippery slope.

 

[njlauren]

Mike-
When something involves power and control, it is some sort of BD/SM at work, whatever label we stick on it (D/s, whatever), but it doesn't matter, because whatever form of sex it is, it involves consent, which also includes the right to stop what is going on. If someone is doing a rape fantasy and the 'rapee' gets scared and freaks out, the scenario should stop, or if someone tries anal and it hurts too much, same thing, you get the drift.

A safeword is good because it says you really mean stop, it isn't like "Holy shit, that hurts" or "Oh my god' ,or "no, no"...which can be done in a good way, it says please stop. Even better, in your kind of scenario, where another guy is the one 'doing you', if you say your safeword, it is your gal stopping the play, rather than you, which means the other guy can't say 'oh, man, you puppied out', it kind of provides cover for you, too. I think this is an important piece of mind for you and your lady, too, because she won't be sitting there second guessing herself, saying "did I go too far?" if she knows you have a safeword, and likewise you know if it gets too intense, you can stop it and she will listen.

I agree with Stella, technically you are bi since on some level you enjoy the interaction. What you experience is no uncommon, there is in the BD/SM world guys into 'forced bi' who basically are into it but being 'forced' gives them cover IMO, or the 'forced feminization' stuff where they really want to get all dolled up but this takes away the guilt......in reality it doesn't matter, whether you enjoy the forced part of it more than the getting fucked, or could enjoy simply getting fucked by a guy, it doesn't matter, as long as you are into it, that is cool.

 

[Loverskitten]

Yes, it is very very intense. Sometimes I wonder but I don't think I would want it to stop. I like the fact that I didn't "choose" to do these things. So far the only pain has just been because of vigorous anal sex (or the guy being endowed) and I have seen no indication that she wants to expand that. Its just that part of it that turns her on.

But I hear everyone. I need to talk to her.

This statement, says everything. You like what's happening (aside from the pain) you like a guy but if it was your choice, that would make you feel wrong and gay, HOWEVER, since it was forced on you, not your choice, it's now OK.
Yeah, that's common in all kinds of fetishes and sexualities.

 

[twister947]

Anal doesn't have to hurt. In fact, it shouldn't. I don't care what the fantasy is, tearing someone's asshole shouldn't be part of it. Ever.

 

[mike300800]

Mike-
When something involves power and control, it is some sort of BD/SM at work, whatever label we stick on it (D/s, whatever), but it doesn't matter, because whatever form of sex it is, it involves consent, which also includes the right to stop what is going on. If someone is doing a rape fantasy and the 'rapee' gets scared and freaks out, the scenario should stop, or if someone tries anal and it hurts too much, same thing, you get the drift.

A safeword is good because it says you really mean stop, it isn't like "Holy shit, that hurts" or "Oh my god' ,or "no, no"...which can be done in a good way, it says please stop. Even better, in your kind of scenario, where another guy is the one 'doing you', if you say your safeword, it is your gal stopping the play, rather than you, which means the other guy can't say 'oh, man, you puppied out', it kind of provides cover for you, too. I think this is an important piece of mind for you and your lady, too, because she won't be sitting there second guessing herself, saying "did I go too far?" if she knows you have a safeword, and likewise you know if it gets too intense, you can stop it and she will listen.

I agree with Stella, technically you are bi since on some level you enjoy the interaction. What you experience is no uncommon, there is in the BD/SM world guys into 'forced bi' who basically are into it but being 'forced' gives them cover IMO, or the 'forced feminization' stuff where they really want to get all dolled up but this takes away the guilt......in reality it doesn't matter, whether you enjoy the forced part of it more than the getting fucked, or could enjoy simply getting fucked by a guy, it doesn't matter, as long as you are into it, that is cool.

I am pretty sure its more about the submission part for me, the forced bi in front of my girl just seems like the ultimate submission. At least that is how it feels. I am not really worried about whether I should consider myself bi or not but I certainly would most likely loose any argument where I tried to say I was not bi. The truth is I could refuse to participate in these encounters at anytime. But I don't want to. I do enjoy/crave the release it provides. The "letting go" and being controlled provides an intensity I really cannot get in any other way. I posted because I was just a bit worried that she was enjoying the pain part too much. But again, I hear you guys, I do need to talk to her !!

I definitely have no desire for "forced feminization" !

 

[mike300800]

Anal doesn't have to hurt. In fact, it shouldn't. I don't care what the fantasy is, tearing someone's asshole shouldn't be part of it. Ever.

Thanks Twister. When you say it that way, it hits home a bit. I truly don't mind some discomfort, but I have no desire to damage my body. I have been thinking about that some myself.

 

[Pachet]

I'm not sure there's such a thing as "enjoying the pain too much", personally. It's like saying "you're enjoying that ice cream sundae too much" Seriously though, if that's her kink, then she's going to enjoy the hell out of seeing you in pain. Just like I enjoy the hell out of being in pain, and submitting. The important thing is that you're consenting and ok with it all. As long as you are, then she should enjoy your pain as much as she wants

 

[mike300800]

I'm not sure there's such a thing as "enjoying the pain too much", personally. It's like saying "you're enjoying that ice cream sundae too much" Seriously though, if that's her kink, then she's going to enjoy the hell out of seeing you in pain. Just like I enjoy the hell out of being in pain, and submitting. The important thing is that you're consenting and ok with it all. As long as you are, then she should enjoy your pain as much as she wants

Hmmm, I guess that is a good point. To me, its more about being controlled. Yes, some amount of discomfort heightens that and I will admit I desire that. Maybe I am splitting hairs. But thanks, a good way to view it.

 

[mike300800]

Sitting here thinking about how to have this discussion. Obviously I need to. But I keep going back to worrying about that changing the dynamics and an admission that I am accepting the situation. Part of the intensity for me right now is the unspoken and unknown. In fact, just thinking about it and talking about it on here has decreased the intensity of it some. Part of me needs to maintain a "reluctant" attitude both visibly to her and internally for myself. If that makes sense ??

 

[Pachet]

It does. I'm not a fan of deconstructing things too much. Like Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman, "I'm a 'fly by the seat of your pants kinda gal'." Just make sure to check in with yourself occasionally though, and make sure you're still ok with everything.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Sitting here thinking about how to have this discussion. Obviously I need to. But I keep going back to worrying about that changing the dynamics and an admission that I am accepting the situation. Part of the intensity for me right now is the unspoken and unknown. In fact, just thinking about it and talking about it on here has decreased the intensity of it some. Part of me needs to maintain a "reluctant" attitude both visibly to her and internally for myself. If that makes sense ??

It does make sense. As much sense as this stuff ever makes. If you're discovering that you're a submissive, you are probably going to have a lot of thoughts like that. Our desires often don't make a lot of sense if examined too closely, but they're still real.

You can lose some 'intensity' when you approach play in a carefully consensual way, but it's a way of protecting yourself (and even of protecting your partners - how do you think your GF would feel if she took things too far because of mis-communication and let you get physically hurt or mentally traumatized). And, you can get plenty of intensity with a partner you trust and communicate with, too. It's like any other aspect of a relationship that way - it's better if you're open with and can trust eachother.

It sounds like the relative unfamiliarity of the third party in these things is part of the intensity. You could arrange your 'safe word' or other signals with your GF, and she could arrange signals with the other guy. Neither of you guys would know the others' signals, so that should leave a lot of uncertainty, while keeping everyone safe - assuming your GF can handle it. (One thing you'll find if you keep going down this road is that submissives actually tend to ask a great deal of their Dominants...)

 

[satindesire]

Sitting here thinking about how to have this discussion. Obviously I need to. But I keep going back to worrying about that changing the dynamics and an admission that I am accepting the situation. Part of the intensity for me right now is the unspoken and unknown. In fact, just thinking about it and talking about it on here has decreased the intensity of it some. Part of me needs to maintain a "reluctant" attitude both visibly to her and internally for myself. If that makes sense ??

I honestly don't think that arranging a safeword in order to protect yourself from permanent emotional or physical harm would damage the intensity of your sexual encounters at all.

If you break your toy, you can't play with it.

People CAN and DO break when they don't protect themselves.

Be smart about this and talk about it. Stop pussyfooting around and pretending like you are too shy or reluctant. Pretending shyness and reluctance is great for the bedroom but you're an adult and need to act like one and TALK TO HER ABOUT A SAFEWORD BEFORE YOU GET HURT.

Sorry for being so sharp, but you can literally die from an anal fissure. YOU CAN DIE. Do you understand the gravity of the situation now? People like you have died because they got damaged during sex. You probably aren't ready to die from an ass-infection, what a way to go. I'm sure you'd rather go quietly in your sleep when you're 85 with grandkids. You need to protect yourself and your future. AND YOUR ASS.

SAFEWORD MUTHAFUCKAAAA!