My First Story

[EningQue]

Hello Literotica.
Wow, I've been a fan for years and never thought about publishing a story before last week.
Please see below.
It's not so much fiction as a fantasy I am actually hoping to fulfil in person,
My friend Diane suggested I send her a script to see how she could accommodate me at our next rendezvous.

I started a long text message on my phone and realized that it was probably easier to contribute it here and I think I have gotten the bug now.

Since writing this a few days ago, i have 4 more drafts - to work on.

I appreciate any feedback - I have read through it and I see there are grammar mistakes and a couple of spelling errors.

My next story will be more fine tuned, but I would love your feedback here.

Thanks for reading, and ill update with part 2 soon...
EQ

https://www.literotica.com/s/blind-threesome

 

[ElectricBlue]

As you say, it's more a script and a set of working notes, but it doesn't read well as a story. It's very disjointed, and tough on the reader because of that.

 

[EningQue]

thanks, I've a lot to get right, I agree.
what would you give it out of 10 for
Effort - ?
Readability - 0
Potential - ?
Storyline - ?

 

[Rob_Royale]

The potential is there. A threesome is never a hard sell to readers.
So restructuring it into an actual story is the challenge here.

Here's what I'd do.
Switch to first person and describe your fictional life briefly and your relationship with your lover Diane. Perhaps it's loose, sort of non-exclusive and you're both very happy.
Start with a sexual encounter with Diane, with the two of you chatting afterward about your fantasies while wrapped in each other arms and covered in each other's fluids. Make it HOT and detailed.
You mention a three-some and she gets the idea to make it happen. A blindfold threesome is a super-hot idea. I've featured one in my stories as well.
Describe the threesome encounter and briefly, your life after. Maybe you feel the need to fulfill her fantasy now?

Above all, even though it's potentially real for you, something that could happen (fingers crossed for you), don't be afraid to fictionalize it. Make it fantastic. The reality of it may be enough for you, but that's not what readers want. They want the fantasy. Just my $0.02.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I apply a two hundred word test. You've got to grab me in the first two hundred, keep me in the first five-hundred, or I'm gone. I'm pretty tolerant of technical errors, grammar and typos, provided I'm grabbed. But I won't vote or comment on a story if I don't finish. So no, I won't mark it out of ten.

My suggestion would be to take the point of view of one character, and tell the story through their eyes. First person is often easier, starting out, with detail revealed as that character sees it. This piece combines first person with third person narration, and appears to start of with an exchange between two people, so it's really confusing as to your narrative voice.

You make mention in your opening post of an exchange of texts, which is fine, but you've got to manage texts as you would dialogue, and make it clear who is saying what, to whom. You've not done that - you know who the players are and they might be clear in your head, but it's not clear to a reader what's going on.

I think it shows a role play background, but that doesn't always translate to story telling.

Keep writing though, you'll soon find your story telling voice.

 

[EningQue]

thanks for all the comments, really appreciate it!!

 

[IsabellaEmily]

I don't have anything to add. Others have already said what I'd say, so I'll add only this:

KEEP WRITING.

The story has much potential, and the more you write the better you'll get, and the better you get the more your readers will enjoy your work!

I'm following you because I look forward to reading more!

 

[annabellebrito]

Read it, only real complaint is that it moves a bit too fast. Good start though

 

[annabellebrito]

I did leave a comment on the page as well.