My first story ever. A friend encouraged me to write.

[biggsmall0669]

I was trying write it in a more sensual style than really graphic. I wanted more erotic, and less pornographic, as it is for a friend. I will post here if anyone is interested in checking it out, though I only want to hear constructive criticism, no bashing or any of that shit.

 

[Liar]

I was trying write it in a more sensual style than really graphic. I wanted more erotic, and less pornographic, as it is for a friend. I will post here if anyone is interested in checking it out, though I only want to hear constructive criticism, no bashing or any of that shit.

Welcome to the Hangout.

This nuthouse is unmoderatred and populated with all sorts. Most fairly nice. So I'm not saying you will get bashed. But consider it a risk and laugh it off if it happens.

 

[biggsmall0669]

thanks for the warning. I've submitted for the actual site, just waiting for approval.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Once it gets posted, add a link to your signature line.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Congrats! You may win the coveted Corky Thatcher Award.

 

[jomar]

Congrats! You may win the coveted Corky Thatcher Award.

His CD is totally awesome!

biggsmall0669, if you want some pretty good feedback/critique, you can ask for it in the Story Discussion Circle forum.

 

[biggsmall0669]

I've posted it over in Story Feedback, and link is in my signature. I would appreciate any pointers anyone can offer. Thanks.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I've posted it over in Story Feedback, and link is in my signature. I would appreciate any pointers anyone can offer. Thanks.

I looked at it and I do have two things to say. Early on, you are too statistical. You refer to a 36c chest and say he is 6'1" and weighs 190. Don't be that precise. Just say she is bosomy or buxom, and describe him as "tall and athletic" or words to that effect.

Since this is just a brief description of an encounter, rather than a long relationship, it appears to be stroke. However, to write stroke, you need a lot more detail of the sexual action itself.

The story is okay, but it could use those improvements.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Example of a kiss. SOPHIE'S CHOICE by William Styron.

'Side by side we gazed at the landscape. In the shadow her face was so close to mine that I could smell the sweet ropy fragrance of the sherry she had been drinking, and then her tongue was in my mouth. In all truth I had not invited this prodigy of a tongue; turning I had merely wished to look at her face, expecting only that the expression of aesthetic delight I might find there would correspond to what I knew was my own. But I did not even catch a glimpse of her face, so instantaneous and urgent was that tongue. Plunged like some writhing sea-shape into my gaping maw, it all but over-powered my senses as it sought some unreachable terminus near my uvula; it wiggled, it pulsated, and made contortive sweeps of my mouth’s vault; I’m certain that at least once it turned upside down. Dolphin slippery, less wet than rather deliciously mucilaginous and tasting of Amontillado, it had the power in itself to force me, or somehow get me back, against a doorjamb, where I lolled helpless with my eyes clenched shut in a trance of tongue.'

 

[biggsmall0669]

Thanks

Again, first time I've ever really written anything over three or four paragraphs for anything outside of school. I expected it would be picked apart, after all there is a reason I came here to get it obliterated. Thanks for the criticism and the encouragement. Maybe I'll find the time to rewrite it.