My Fears about "Submissiveness" and How it *Satisfies* Me..

[~Dream~]

Recently a person in pm,not mentioning any names told me that in order to gain Respect on this board I should 1. ask more Questions and No.2.Share more of my own experiences and feelings . I agree.

"What are My very REAL 'Fears about "submissiveness?"
I worry about things like what happens to the Control ' once it is gone from me?" does it still leave me a whole woman?""Will my Dom really use it wisely for BOTH of our pleasure and enjoyment?"
I get afraid that giving so much of myself to someone could still possibly ,get me hurt and I have been hurt both physically , mentally, emotionally and verbally , many many times..not funny at all..

I have also been the victim of rape,so that plays ALOT into my fears.
I start to think about all the 'little things that could go wrong... communication breakdown, jealousy on my part,just plain out "fear of the unknown".
BDSM IS my "chosen" lifestyle but I have only been involved in a "real" Bdsm relationship, D/S for the past 4 mo's (on Friday).

I am not 'completely 'comfortable 'with it yet ,however I Am getting there.
I seek NO "support groups' or to turn this Forum into a "chatroom",I seek only to be able to be "myself'.I would like to be accepted for who I am,however it's Not necessary for me to survive.I'll still be Me' ,regardless ,and I actually hope that this lifestyle will help me to grow into a better human being and one that can help others with the same "fears as I have and that it will help not only bring out my "sexuality which I also may be afraid to face",but also cause me to Think" and not only React to things..as I am a very emotional person.

I also worry about Broken trust,if I ever feel my Master is being less than totally 'honest' with me ,then we will have REAL problems..

________________________
As for the things that bring me joy' from "submission"..., Submitting To Master's will and not my own is NOT easy but is getting easier each day.
As I see the "rewards from it emerge"and the trust is beginning to build,I hear His "encouragement ,I feel pride in myself for doing the "right thing' as I know in my heart ,that Master's way is ALWAYs best for me and for "US"
It makes me a happier person ,actually,less stressed,gives me a real reason, besides my children to wake up in the morning.
I feel that my submission to Master gives me strength and courage also, freedom to actually BE the REAL me..
Master accepting me as His slave, just the acceptance alone ,means soo much , fills me with such love and respect for Him as Only He sees me for who I "really' am..
I have the "courage' I never had before to say what I think , to post how* I* ,Dream,really feels, I dont gotta feel neglected, or invisible' like I did in my "nilla relationships"..all they ever wanted was to take care of themselves
Master takes care of , nurtures , me. I put His needs over mine and the end result is my needs are met also.. mine are NOT always met right away , when I think they should be , but as Master wills,which is how it should be..
He is teaching me, training me and maybe not in the way the general population thinks that He should but it DOES work for *Us* making THIS woman see *submissiveness* as a beautiful thing indeed.. (even if it IS a little scary at first..) being actually owned and *treasured* by someone is one of the best feelings in the whole world , cant actually put it all into words and thats the truth..

 

[lovetoread]

 

[caspai]

First, Dream, sweetheart, let me say that I love and accept you. Anyone who doesn't is missing out on something special.

As for your fears, everyone goes into every relationship with baggage. Given what you have been through, it is natural to have fears. If you didn't, you shouldn't be here. Fear CAN be a healthy thing, as it can keep us from doing serious harm to ourselves. The fact that you are willing to explore your interests, and push your boundaries to examine just what is real about your fears and what is not is to be admired. I'm not always so brave. *smile* Anyone who can examine themselves and accept themselves deserves a great deal of respect, and you have mine.

that is pretty much all I have to say. I just wanted to let you know I had seen what you had to say, and that it made me think, wihch is also a good thing. *grin*

 

[~Dream~]

ty Ltr and Caspai

____________________
I really needed a flower today LTR ty!!
Caspai, you know how much I respect you and it means alot to me that you responded to this thread ,, I also wanted to say that consistency from My Master is very important also ,rituals we catty out, Him being where He says He is gonna be , as well as me also..If things get out of "whack" so to speak ,or inconsistencies begin to show then frustration and anger can ensue..

 

[caspai]

That is just part of life, love, whether bdsm is part of it or not. Believe me when I say that I give Swashbuckler more hell in his life than he deserves, but we love each other, so we work it out. He is a hell of a lot more patient with me than I am with him. Trust yourself, learn from your experiences, take the good and hold onto it and leave the bad behind. When you ask for advice, take it as intended, use what you can, and think about what you can't, and why that might be.

I don't know as much about bdsm as I could, probably not as much as I should, but I look, I watch, and I try to learn. People who can find joy in being submissive, I applaud. People who can become Dom/mes and trust themselves to help their submissives to find that part of themselves that they want to explore, I respect. I don't know where I belong in all of that, I am still wading through myself to figure that out. I don't know what that has to do with any of this, but I felt like saying it, so I did.

~Cas

 

[~Dream~]

and on my threads Caspai..

That is just part of life, love, whether bdsm is part of it or not. Believe me when I say that I give Swashbuckler more hell in his life than he deserves, but we love each other, so we work it out. He is a hell of a lot more patient with me than I am with him. Trust yourself, learn from your experiences, take the good and hold onto it and leave the bad behind. When you ask for advice, take it as intended, use what you can, and think about what you can't, and why that might be.

I don't know as much about bdsm as I could, probably not as much as I should, but I look, I watch, and I try to learn. People who can find joy in being submissive, I applaud. People who can become Dom/mes and trust themselves to help their submissives to find that part of themselves that they want to explore, I respect. I don't know where I belong in all of that, I am still wading through myself to figure that out. I don't know what that has to do with any of this, but I felt like saying it, so I did.

~Cas

______________________________
Your opinions, as well as those of others i have not listened to in the past will be looked at with a more open mind and open heart babe.. thank-you for sharing..oops I called you babe(now I'll be accused of flirting*) lol.. and if ya dont watch all those kind words you are respectfully tossing my way hun,You'll be accused of starting a "Rah Rah Dream thread!!" not that its such a BAD idea j/k and thank you soo much for sharing..

 

[caspai]

And if you aren't careful, you are going to pull me onto this board completely. *laugh*

I am sorry that this board is having growing pains. I am sorry that factions are developing. Everything has growing pains, and I think this one is starting to have them.

Everyone can't get along with everyone else. That is a reality of life. I have people I ignore, and people I just can't stop reading for some reason, but I don't see what the point is in keeping problems going. If you don't like what a person is doing, don't read it, and don't respond to it. It is as easy as that. If you need time away from Lit to get perspective back, then take it. Goddess knopws I have taken a few of them. Don't let the troubles that exist take over.

As for being a Rah-rah Dream thread, I don't want to do that. I haven't had any problems with you, but where we have always interacted is a thread that is pure play. Just people getting together to enjoy each other.

There have been valid points made about the fact that we are judged by how we present ourselves. I have a fairly good vocabulary, and my typing, more often than not, is accurate. When I find typos, I generally edit them out because I am obsessive-compulsive. My husband, Swashbuckler, is dyslexic, so his spelling is not all that good. It has absolutely nothing to do with his writing ability, which you all can look up for yourself. (shameless plug) He has several short stories posted on Lit, and they seem to have something of a following. He has a good friend of ours edit for him, and then he takes what has been edited and posts it for Lit. To judge someone only by their form or lack of form is to lose the essence of what they may be trying to say.

You love Art. That is a part of who you are. You are enthusiastic about that love, and part of that is because it is a new thing. Part of it is that you are happy and want to share why. That may tone down over time. Maybe it won't. Those who are annoyed by that should skim over that and try to find the essence of what you are saying.

Again, I don't know what this has to do with anything, but my St. John's Wort is starting to work, and I am feeling verbose. *smile*

 

[~Dream~]

Caspai..

thank -you soo much for truly understanding the person I REALLY AM,, I am so sick and tired of criticism and blame and God I just feel like saying "Hey people!!
I am only 1 woman ,give it a rest already!! '
Yes I get all sentimental ,gushy even ,what does it REALLY hurt..?/ nothing ,really
What I am having problems with now is "online communication "and being able to ask Master for things I really truly need,like maybe just a few minutes of time, just a hug or whatever without "sounding like I am "topping" or being manipulatine, or demanding" ,any ideas cause you know when people call me manipulative , I just wanna tell them to take a long fucking walk off a short pier!! I am highly emotional lately ..lol I bet everybody that reads this is like "No Shit ,Dream ,geez we hadnt noticed!!"
but,hey we ALL have our bad days & weeks this one is most definately mine ..blood pressure is back up in dangerous range,chest hurts, etc..i cant sleep,havent been eating and my bi-polar meds dont seem to be working either,I have been a pain in the ass to Master, I just know it too, *sigh*

** edited to add : pass the doggone st. john's will ya? or perhaps you got somethin stronger? i'll take a couple shots of whiskey!! oops we have less than an hour till this forum destructs lol

 

[caspai]

If this is getting to you to the point that it is affecting your health, then back away from it, take time, and take care of yourself. Take your relationship with Art private, and keep communication open with him. Any problems you may have, work on them, and avoid anything that causes you this level of stress. Work on making yourself stronger, and then come back with a clear perspective. Above all, you have to take care of your health first.

 

[SexyChele]

I'm truly sorry that more people have not taken the time to look inside here and maybe take a moment to post. I know how difficult it can be to self-evaluate and then try to incorporate lessons you may feel you need to make. It takes a long time sometimes, but I do want to say that I feel you are trying to see where people are coming from, and that is a good start. Whether they are right or wrong is a different matter. Trying to understand their position is the main thing.

You have taken some hard hits here, and that is unfortunate. However, I have to admire some one with the spunk and courage to take a beating such as you have, and then keep posting. That truly is wonderful.

I am sorry to hear that you are not doing well, and hope all will improve for you soon. Health problems of any sort are no fun.

 

[~Dream~]

Caspai, And Chele

two women I have come to admire alot
thank you for the concern you have shown in your posts,I promise I will take your words under advisement..
I am just having a VERY difficult week in my 'training ' and as they say, old habits die hard,Honestly close to a nervous breakdown at one time and now know it was merelly my holding on "tightly to the Control that I so want the hell outta my life..
It seeems to have some kind of ridiculous "monster hold on me"and Master can feel my pain (or so He says) and I have to take Him at His word for He has NEVER lied to me , however I feel sometimes because of the distance seperation now, that I am indeed alone and lonely For Him ..it's a terrible,painful hurt that I cant begin to describe except to say that if "subspace=heaven then I surely KNOW what equals hell.

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: Caspai..

. . .
What I am having problems with now is "online communication "and being able to ask Master for things I really truly need,like maybe just a few minutes of time, just a hug or whatever without "sounding like I am "topping" or being manipulatine, or demanding" ,any ideas cause you know when people call me manipulative , I just wanna tell them to take a long fucking walk off a short pier!! I am highly emotional lately ..lol I bet everybody that reads this is like "No Shit ,Dream ,geez we hadnt noticed!!"
. . .

Dream, I am posting an article I wrote on d/s communication. I don't know if there is anything there that will help you, but I thought I would put it out here. Sometimes, it isn't what we say, but how we say it that causes the problem.


LOVING D/S COMMUNICATION

How your submissive speaks to you is perhaps the single most important outward display of not only the control you have in the relationship but also how important your feelings are to her. If your submissive speaks to you in a condescending manner, using phrases like, "Can't you see that I am being submissive?" she sends a clear message that she has little concern for your ego, your intelligence, or your feelings. If she says, "Yes Ma'am, but" she is showing you and anyone within hearing distance that she has very little trust that you know what you are doing and/ or that she feels arguing with you is a valid option for her. If she whines and attempts to manipulate you to do what she wants rather than be straightforward and ask for what she needs, she demonstrates her lack of training and lack of communication skills.

Teaching your submissive to speak to you in a respectful manner is one of the cornerstones of having, keeping, and demonstrating your control over her. This is what she wants; she wants to feel controlled, and presumably this is what you had in mind when you decided to enter into a D/s relationship. The following illustration gives some examples of how she might speak to you before training and offers suggestions in what you may prefer that she say while keeping her original message intact. These, of course, are simply my preferences. A discussion between you and your submissive regarding these ideas will help you to decide on the specifics of how YOU wish to be spoken to in a way that is satisfying for you both. I wish to stress here the importance of her knowing WHY you want her to speak to you in a certain manner. If she understands how it makes you feel, that it increases your self- esteem, that it makes you cherish her all the more for her effort, she will be much more motivated to make these changes.

EXPRESSING D/s LOVE WITH COMMUNICATION

She Says:
There is so much to do. I don't have time for myself.

You Want Her to Say:
Can you help me organize these tasks? I don't' think I have time to do them all.

She says:
No one appreciates all the things that I do.

You Want Her to Say:
I am feeling overwhelmed. Can you reassure me that I am special to you?

She Says:
I am so tired and I still have to do_____(fill in the blank)

You Want Her to Say:
I need to rest a minute, can I sit with you.

She Says:
I forgot to call my mom and she needs me right now.

You Want Her to Say:
Will you help me to prioritize so that I don't spread myself too thin and neglect someone?

She Says:
You don't listen to me.

You Want Her to Say:
Can I tell you how I am feeling?

She Says:
You don't love me as much as I love you.

You Want Her to Say:
I don't feel special to you and I really need to feel that way.

She Says:
I do everything wrong.

You Want Her to Say:
I have made some mistakes and now I am beating up on myself. Can you reassure me that I am still special and show me how to prevent these mistakes in the future?

She Says:
As you know, my knowledge in nursing has prepared me for treating illness.

You Want Her to Say:
I studied nursing and am happy to offer you this knowledge to use as you see fit.

She Says:
I know

You Want Her to Say:
I understand, thank you.

She Says:
As you are well aware, her statement is wrong.

You Want Her to Say:
I do not agree with her statement, may I explain why?

She Says:
Of course

You Want Her to Say:
Yes Ma'am, I agree

She Says:
That goes without saying.

You Want Her to Say:
Yes Ma'am, I agree

She Says:
As you have already stated, you are not pleased with my behavior.

You Want Her to Say:
What can I do to change my behavior so that it is more pleasing to you?

She Says:
Yes Ma'am, but...

You Want Her to Say:
Yes Ma'am. May I ask a question about that?

She Says:
Can't you see that I am being submissive

You Want Her to Say:
Ma'am, I thought my behavior was submissive, could you tell me what you would prefer?

To illustrate how it helps your submissive to understand your reasons for a change in the way she speaks to you, I offer an excerpt from a PM (private message) conversation I had with a submissive-bj-I was training to suit my needs. In this conversation I explain to her how it makes me feel by telling her the reasons people normally use these phrases. She correctly surmises that this is not what I want from a submissive. In this conversation I use 'equals' to mean those equal in power in a relationship.

msworthy_one_38: let me give you some examples, these are phrases that are often used to show the listener that they are equals--ok bj, now listen and let us see if you see things in a different light after I illustrate my point--
__bj: listens
msworthy_one_38: phrases like: as you know--as you are well aware--I know--of course--that goes without saying--as you have stated--read these carefully and tell me if you think these are appropriate for a submissive to use and tell me your reasoning
__bj: no, Ma'am, because those phrases are either saying that You don't have to remind me of something i already know or they are giving You a reminder of something......
__bj: it might even show the submissive as being somewhat argumentative, Ma'am
msworthy_one_38: *smiles* good bj....these phrases are used for one of two reasons usually--1) to show that the speaker and listener are equal in power--2) to show that the speaker is superior in knowledge and needs to remind the listener about something
msworthy_one_38: yes bj, very good--it would be considered argumentative by me, which is why I reminded you of this
__bj: yes, Ma'am.. i see that now
msworthy_one_38: I am in control and your way of speaking to me should always reflect this
msworthy_one_38: that way of communicating is very common in the nilla world and everyone--or most everyone--learns to use these words or phrases to continue the struggle for power that is common in that lifestyle

In a D/s relationship, each partner knows that the distribution of power is unequal-- and they prefer it that way. There is no need to fight for power because it has already been negotiated and the domme has the majority of it. Even in a relationship where the distribution of power is only slightly weighted in the dominant's favor, it is never acceptable for the submissive to try to point out or bring attention to her power or knowledge. This will, at the least, create feelings of inadequacy in her domme and, at the most, create anger at being spoken to in a condescending manner.

One of the primary traits of a dominant is the self-confidence that she has the ability, skill, and knowledge that are needed to lead another. If her submissive is speaking to her in a manner that indicates the belief that the submissive has a superior knowledge, skill, or ability, this undermines her position as leader as well as indicates a struggle for power. Sometimes the sub is simply not aware that she is doing this. It is merely the way she has learned to communicate in the nilla world, where there is a constant shifting and struggle for power and control. This is often referred to as 'one-up- manship.' Everyone is trying to be 'one up' over everyone else, trying to get the upper hand in the relationship. This is normal in the nilla world and your submissive will need to be taught a more straightforward, honest, and respectful approach when communicating.

By teaching her submissive, the domme demonstrates her love by passing on the communication skills she has worked hard to learn. She will teach her submissive how to express herself in a more satisfying manner and she will explain why this is important for them both (it will increase her self-esteem and will cause her to cherish her submissive even more). The submissive will demonstrate her love by learning to communicate in a way that is both uplifting for her dominant and reflective of her domme's training (making her tremendously more valued and loved by her domme).

 

[P. B. Walker]

That was incredibly fascinating MsWorthy. I was hanging on every word. Thank you for sharing that with all of us. I think we all got something out of that, both Dom/mes, subs, Tops/bottoms alike.



PBW

 

[~Dream~]

MsWorthy...

Thank-you very very much for the insight into good communication skills Ma'am, as I have been struggling in this area for quite a long time now myself and I truly wish to give my Master the respectful communication that He deserves from me... I will be trying out these new skills soon..wish me luck!!

 

[A Desert Rose]

You have taken some hard hits here, and that is unfortunate. However, I have to admire some one with the spunk and courage to take a beating such as you have, and then keep posting. That truly is wonderful.

Indeed and ditto.

Rose

 

[MsWorthy]

Thank you, PB.

Good luck, Dream. I know it is difficult to learn a new way of doing anything, especially a new way of communicating, but it really is worth the pay off.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Thank you, PB.

Good luck, Dream. I know it is difficult to learn a new way of doing anything, especially a new way of communicating, but it really is worth the pay off.

I have to agree with that. It's very much like learning an entirely new language.... but on top of that... I think for someone to adequately change their vocabulary and way of speaking, they also have to change their way of thinking also.

PBW

 

[~Dream~]

Good Point P.B.W. `

Thanks for sharing Your views and I find my thinking changing more and more each day as i have a more open-mind than I have had in the past ..
Again,thanks

 

[Red Menace]

Wow. GREAT article, MsWorthy. I'll have to save that to my HD. And P.B., I think you are so right about having to change the thinking process to alter the speech pattern. I guess that's why they call it training...

Thanks for sharing some of your concerns, Dream. I have the same fears about getting into a new relationship. It takes a lot of time to really believe a Dom is wise enough and unselfish enough to take total control. I've also been wondering lately about what's left of me after I give up control? Do I stop becoming a complete person on my own and become more like an extension of him? Would I want that? I honestly don't think I'm ready for a TPE like that, and I don't pretend otherwise. Maybe after a lot, and I mean a LOT, of time and trust has been built up, I might consider it. But it's certainly not something I'm going to just jump into. Just as there is tremendous potential for fulfillment, there's also a lot possibility for pain, just as you mentioned.

"What are My very REAL 'Fears about "submissiveness?"
I worry about things like what happens to the Control ' once it is gone from me?" does it still leave me a whole woman?""Will my Dom really use it wisely for BOTH of our pleasure and enjoyment?"
I get afraid that giving so much of myself to someone could still possibly ,get me hurt and I have been hurt both physically , mentally, emotionally and verbally , many many times..not funny at all..

 

[MsWorthy]

I have to agree with that. It's very much like learning an entirely new language.... but on top of that... I think for someone to adequately change their vocabulary and way of speaking, they also have to change their way of thinking also.

PBW

I agree, PB. I think one does have to change her/his way of thinking to effectively change how one communicates, especially if going from a 'nilla relationship with an emphasis on egalitarianism (this often translates into one-up-manship rather than equality) to a d/s relationship with its emphasis on power exchange (whew that is a long sentence).

But, I think, the change in thinking is easier than one might realize. All you need do, really, is ask yourself, "What is my goal?" If your goal is to get your needs met, then it becomes a fairly simple thing to state that rather than try to manipulate to get that need met.

If honesty and straightforwardness is truly your aim (as a dom/me), then having your submissive state honestly, "I don't feel special to you and I really need to feel that way," will be acceptable to you. And (as a sub), this will work much better than saying, "why are you always talking to so-and-so and ignoring me?"

If you can isolate your goal as a need for attention or feeling special rather than a desire motivated by hurt feelings to hurt your partner back, you give your dom/me information about you and improve your communication skills.

 

[P. B. Walker]

I agree, PB. I think one does have to change her/his way of thinking to effectively change how one communicates, especially if going from a 'nilla relationship with an emphasis on egalitarianism (this often translates into one-up-manship rather than equality) to a d/s relationship with its emphasis on power exchange (whew that is a long sentence).

But, I think, the change in thinking is easier than one might realize. All you need do, really, is ask yourself, "What is my goal?" If your goal is to get your needs met, then it becomes a fairly simple thing to state that rather than try to manipulate to get that need met.

If honesty and straightforwardness is truly your aim (as a dom/me), then having your submissive state honestly, "I don't feel special to you and I really need to feel that way," will be acceptable to you. And (as a sub), this will work much better than saying, "why are you always talking to so-and-so and ignoring me?"

If you can isolate your goal as a need for attention or feeling special rather than a desire motivated by hurt feelings to hurt your partner back, you give your dom/me information about you and improve your communication skills.

Oh I agree completely, MsW. I feel that if you really want to achieve a goal you can. It comes down to how important it is in your life. Will the be lapses and setbacks? Of course. But that is the learning process. That is life. If we never made mistakes, life would be boring. And in the end, after you have put in all that hard work and achieved your goal, you will feel so much better having earned it. And in a way, with BDSM, the goal is always there, just out of reach. You can always do better.

PBW

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: My Fears about "Submissiveness" and How it *Satisfies* Me..

Wow. GREAT article, MsWorthy. I'll have to save that to my HD. And P.B., I think you are so right about having to change the thinking process to alter the speech pattern. I guess that's why they call it training...

Thanks for sharing some of your concerns, Dream. I have the same fears about getting into a new relationship. It takes a lot of time to really believe a Dom is wise enough and unselfish enough to take total control. I've also been wondering lately about what's left of me after I give up control? Do I stop becoming a complete person on my own and become more like an extension of him? Would I want that? I honestly don't think I'm ready for a TPE like that, and I don't pretend otherwise. Maybe after a lot, and I mean a LOT, of time and trust has been built up, I might consider it. But it's certainly not something I'm going to just jump into. Just as there is tremendous potential for fulfillment, there's also a lot possibility for pain, just as you mentioned.

___________________________

Thank you for your post Red(notice I didnt "gush" again!) lol anyways I feel I must state that it didnt really take me all that long to Believe that Master was wise enough(as I knew He was experienced) or unselfish enough(He is always putting others first) but it's mainly the "trust' issue with me because my trust was so meanly & cruelly "violated" before in my nilla relationships,as I told Master ,just last nite,"I would give ,give, give,but My needs were NOT being satisfied in return..
I hope that YOU find the happiness you seek when YOU are ready for it ,Red

 

[Red Menace]

But, I think, the change in thinking is easier than one might realize. All you need do, really, is ask yourself, "What is my goal?" If your goal is to get your needs met, then it becomes a fairly simple thing to state that rather than try to manipulate to get that need met.

If honesty and straightforwardness is truly your aim (as a dom/me), then having your submissive state honestly, "I don't feel special to you and I really need to feel that way," will be acceptable to you. And (as a sub), this will work much better than saying, "why are you always talking to so-and-so and ignoring me?"

If you can isolate your goal as a need for attention or feeling special rather than a desire motivated by hurt feelings to hurt your partner back, you give your dom/me information about you and improve your communication skills.

Hmmm... I bet assessing your goals and stating just that would also work better in friendships, at work and just in general every day life. Why is it so hard to stop playing mindgames and just be honest about what we need...?

 

[Red Menace]

Re: Re: Re: My Fears about "Submissiveness" and How it *Satisfies* Me..

<snip>
I hope that YOU find the happiness you seek when YOU are ready for it ,Red

Thanks, I hope so too.

I'll just keep kissing frogs til I find my prince.

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: Re: My Fears about "Submissiveness" and How it *Satisfies* Me..

Wow. GREAT article, MsWorthy. I'll have to save that to my HD. And P.B., I think you are so right about having to change the thinking process to alter the speech pattern. I guess that's why they call it training...

Thank you, Red.

For me, this is part of the training. It is quite difficult to do by yourself. You need someone who already has the skills, patience, and self-control needed to guide you through the change (not that I am suggesting that it can't be done alone, obviously a dom/me has to learn these skills in order to teach them and she/he often learns them alone through trial and error. That is how I learned it.)

Thanks for sharing some of your concerns, Dream. I have the same fears about getting into a new relationship. It takes a lot of time to really believe a Dom is wise enough and unselfish enough to take total control. I've also been wondering lately about what's left of me after I give up control? Do I stop becoming a complete person on my own and become more like an extension of him? Would I want that? I honestly don't think I'm ready for a TPE like that, and I don't pretend otherwise. Maybe after a lot, and I mean a LOT, of time and trust has been built up, I might consider it. But it's certainly not something I'm going to just jump into. Just as there is tremendous potential for fulfillment, there's also a lot possibility for pain, just as you mentioned.

I hope you don't mind my responding to your post as you didn't ask a question ~smiles~ but I truly do not believe that you lose any of yourself when you submit to a dom/me. I think you become more fully who you are and who you want to be.

In my opinion, one who needs to submit fights who she really is when she controls aspects of her life that she would rather not. She builds up a facade and sometimes, a blustery *toughness* that is put in place simply to hide her fear/pain/insecurity at dealing with those things she feels inadequate in dealing with. Does this mean she can't deal with life? No, of course it doesn't. She is dealing with it, so obviously she can, but she feels pressured, stressed, and out of sorts when/while she has to deal with them.

When she submits to a dom/me that she believes has her best interest at heart (and the dom/me knows it is in her best interest only because she/he has taken the time to get to know this submissive and feels strongly that they complement one another) she (the sub) has the freedom/time/acceptance she needs to discover who she really is because the walls come down and she sees herself and discovers that guidance is what she most craves.

~I highly recommend reading John Gray's book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006016848X/thelesbiancon-20 . . . I agree with much of what he says about communication and feel his book is quite relevant to D/s whether he knows it or not ~