My contest entry:

[Guest]

 

[wildsweetone]

wast·ed ( P ) Pronunciation Key (wstd)
adj.

1. Not profitably used or maintained: a wasted inheritance.
2. Needless or superfluous: These are wasted words.
3. Deteriorated; ravaged: a wasted landscape.
4. Frail and enfeebled, as from prolonged illness; emaciated.
5. Slang. Drunk or intoxicated.
6. Archaic. Having elapsed.

Darn that's an excellent poem saldne!

 

[Guest]

Darn that's an excellent poem saldne!

I'm sorry. I was a bit flustered that no one gave any comments, but I'll post it again. I wanted some constructive crit. on the poem if anyone saw any flaws. I'm not supposed to post the picture, but I'm doing it anyway. I had to pretend I was her, and this is what I came up with. Don't ask me why!

Betrayed


How long will the pain last,
and will I be able to survive
what I've kept hidden inside
the last thirty years of my life
now that I finally confessed?

I can no longer raise my head
to look someone in the eye;
mostly my family
who are the ones that betrayed me,
and wouldn't believe when I said

that Daddy raped the innocence
I chose to keep for my husband,
but what I thought were bruises
have turned to scars,
and I'm too afraid to have one.

Now, I'm getting old.
The truth was finally told.
Those who said they loved
have lied, turned bitter cold,
and so have I towards myself.

So please, just let me cry
wherever I choose to hide
remembering the filth
because of the constant reminder
you've drilled in my head:

that it was all my fault
or those that disbelieved,
and have wished
a horrid death upon me.
I do it enough, myself.

_____________________

Not a true story. I had to come back to edit that. Sheeshers!

 

[Guest]

Boy, I'm starting to wonder what kind of poetry board this is. All I asked is if people like it or if they found any flaws. With 93 views, I would've thought someone would give an opinion. Obviously, I was wrong. I really don't think I'm the only one on the site who writes dark(er) poetry. Hell, I know I'm not.

No, I'm not paranoid. This place has too many cliques.

 

[Liar]

Oo kay. You are free to see cliques in every corner. Others have noted this too, but I have been around here for almost two years ad I am still to identify them. I have also seen all kinds of threads drop like stones from all kinds of posters, including myself.

That being said, I haven't seen this thread until just today. And the reason I haven't replied is because I have nothing intelligent to add. It happens you know.

Why noone have commented on it? If it appears like that out on the site, I'd assume it was autobiographic and be pretty tongue tied as to what to say. Just a guess.

 

[PatCarrington]

saldne -

excuse me. i read the poem, but somehow missed your specific request for constructive feedback.

i think the poem is okay, and reflects the deep pains of one person.

but, in my opinion, it lacks any attempt to reach a 'universality' of those emotions, which is necessary to make a reader truly feel the pain of the writer. it is too personal, without doing what is necessary to make a reader believe these feelings are of any interest to anyone other than the writer.

i also think the phrasing is very ordinary. in order to raise the quality of the poem, i think fresher, more unique language is necessary.

 

[Guest]

Oo kay. You are free to see cliques in every corner. Others have noted this too, but I have been around here for almost two years ad I am still to identify them. I have also seen all kinds of threads drop like stones from all kinds of posters, including myself.

That being said, I haven't seen this thread until just today. And the reason I haven't replied is because I have nothing intelligent to add. It happens you know.

Why noone have commented on it? If it appears like that out on the site, I'd assume it was autobiographic and be pretty tongue tied as to what to say. Just a guess.

It does say in my post that it's for a contest, and at the end says it's not a true story. I had to look into the picture and write.

It happens I know what? I just wanted to know what people thought about the poem: over-all as one or I wouldn't have posted it in the first place.

Also, I've been on the site for almost two years as well. I changed names for personal reasons, and if you haven't seen any of the cliques yet, your name fits you well. LOL!

i think the poem is okay, and reflects the deep pains of one person.

but, in my opinion, it lacks any attempt to reach a 'universality' of those emotions, which is necessary to make a reader truly feel the pain of the writer. it is too personal, without doing what is necessary to make a reader believe these feelings are of any interest to anyone other than the writer.

i also think the phrasing is very ordinary. in order to raise the quality of the poem, i think fresher, more unique language is necessary.

Thanks, Pat! I appreciated your comments, and honesty. What kind of unique language? I am one who is pretty simple in her poetry. I prefer to make sense to the reader so they don't have to go to dictionary.com

 

[PatCarrington]

Thanks, Pat! I appreciated your comments, and honesty. What kind of unique language? I am one who is pretty simple in her poetry. I prefer to make sense to the reader so they don't have to go to dictionary.com

'unique' does not mean you have to use big words.

to me, the foremost skill a poet can have is to use simple words in sophisticated ways.

your poem reads the same way anyone who was in that position would think. if they can think it for themselves, why do they need you? what do your words have to offer them? when you write for yourself, it's one thing...but you are writing for 'others' here.

sophistication of language is too complex a concept to answer simply. if there was a cut-and-dried way to explain it, everyone could do it. and if everyone can do it, it's worth nothing.

i'm listening to a song now...maybe it's the best way to try to explain. here are the lyrics:

They bought a round for the sailor
and they heard his tale
of a world that was so far away
and a song that we'd never heard,
a song of a little bird
that fell in love with a whale.

He said, 'You cannot live in the ocean,'
and she said to him
'You never can live in the sky.'
But the ocean is filled with tears
and the sea turns into a mirror.
There's a whale in the moon when it's clear,
and a bird on the tide.


to me, that is very beautiful and sophisticated...

and what is the most difficult word there?...there are none.

 

[Guest]

Well, I can't change anything now. I already submitted this for the poetry picture contest. I will find out in a few days. The deadline is Sunday. Wish me luck! 100 bucks would come in handy!

 

[PatCarrington]

Well, I can't change anything now. I already submitted this for the poetry picture contest. I will find out in a few days. The deadline is Sunday. Wish me luck! 100 bucks would come in handy!

good luck!

and when you win, smile.

there is always too much real sadness in your poetry.

 

[flyguy69]

Just out of curiousity, Saldne, how do you feel poetry and prose are different? I'm not asking for an academic distinction, I'm only asking how are they different in your mind. What makes this, for you, a poem?

 

[Liar]

It does say in my post that it's for a contest, and at the end says it's not a true story. I had to look into the picture and write.

It happens I know what? I just wanted to know what people thought about the poem: over-all as one or I wouldn't have posted it in the first place.

Also, I've been on the site for almost two years as well. I changed names for personal reasons, and if you haven't seen any of the cliques yet, your name fits you well. LOL!

Like I said... I missed half the debacle here, and as you talked about views, I thought that you meant it was a poem posted on the site and not the board.

WHat happens (you know) is what I said: That I don't always come up with something useful to say. So then I don't. Nothing more than that. There is not a person in here whose posts I frequently don't answer. Ain't personal against you, luv.

Sigh. Shoulda known better than to give a frank reply. Peace be with you. You obvilously made your mind up about me. Over, out and best of luck in the contest.

 

[Guest]

Like I said... I missed half the debacle here, and as you talked about views, I thought that you meant it was a poem posted on the site and not the board.

WHat happens (you know) is what I said: That I don't always come up with something useful to say. So then I don't. Nothing more than that. There is not a person in here whose posts I frequently don't answer. Ain't personal against you, luv.

Sigh. Shoulda known better than to give a frank reply. Peace be with you. You obvilously made your mind up about me. Over, out and best of luck in the contest.

Ah shit. I was joking! I'm sorry.

I'll be back later to comment to the rest. I've got tons of laundry to do.

 

[Guest]

good luck!

and when you win, smile.

there is always too much real sadness in your poetry.

Thank you, Pat! I'm sorry for all the sadness that comes out in my writing. At least I'm able to write about it, and still able to cry when needed. It's been a very rough year for me. Things will get better. They have to. But please know: the poem above is not a true story. It's seriously about a poetry contest I entered.

Just out of curiousity, Saldne, how do you feel poetry and prose are different? I'm not asking for an academic distinction, I'm only asking how are they different in your mind. What makes this, for you, a poem?

Hey fly. Yes, I do feel this is poetry: free verse with some similar sounding rhymes. Could it be better? Possibly. That's why I was asking what other's thought of it. What makes poetry to me is being able to draw the reader in to feel or see or picture what is going on by my words. I want them to be right there with me as they read my work.

 

[flyguy69]

I am not questioning whether or not this poetry, only what about it makes it poetry in your mind. Clearly, prose writers want to "draw the reader in to feel or see or picture what is going on by my words." The presence of strophes and rhymes is, of course, much more characteristic of poetry than prose, but even those sort of tricks appear in prosaic writing.

I'm really asking; how is this different than if you were to write of this same emotion or incident, but write in prose? I know I have learned a great deal about my own writing by asking that question.

Defining poetry is decidedly difficult, but it is worth the effort to develop your own guidelines and review your own work with them in mind. If you think poetry should have a metric flow, listen for that cadence. If you think poetry should be stripped of details that provide information but not emotion, get ruthless in your editing. If you think poetry should use surprising metaphors or unique language, examine your word and image choices for their freshness.

Based upon my views of poetry, I believe this poem says way more than it ought to. A characteristic of poetry for me is that a poem should say what it needs to to elicit the feelings in the reader that the author intends, and no more. If you have to tell readers that the narrator feels sad twice, you didn't say it well enough the first time. Here, you tell us in great detail what happened, what the narrator is feeling, what the narrator is thinking, what the narrator wants, etc. I would go over this one and decide 1) what do I want readers to feel when the poem is done, and 2) what details are essential to creating those feelings. Cut everything else.

Thank you, Pat! I'm sorry for all the sadness that comes out in my writing. At least I'm able to write about it, and still able to cry when needed. It's been a very rough year for me. Things will get better. They have to. But please know: the poem above is not a true story. It's seriously about a poetry contest I entered.




Hey fly. Yes, I do feel this is poetry: free verse with some similar sounding rhymes. Could it be better? Possibly. That's why I was asking what other's thought of it. What makes poetry to me is being able to draw the reader in to feel or see or picture what is going on by my words. I want them to be right there with me as they read my work.

 

[Guest]

Based upon my views of poetry, I believe this poem says way more than it ought to. A characteristic of poetry for me is that a poem should say what it needs to to elicit the feelings in the reader that the author intends, and no more. If you have to tell readers that the narrator feels sad twice, you didn't say it well enough the first time. Here, you tell us in great detail what happened, what the narrator is feeling, what the narrator is thinking, what the narrator wants, etc. I would go over this one and decide 1) what do I want readers to feel when the poem is done, and 2) what details are essential to creating those feelings. Cut everything else.

Well, I guess that's where we differ, and that's okay. I guess I prefer to go into more detail: kind of story-like.

Now that I think about it, and reading it again, I shouldn't named it "Leave me alone" or something along those lines. She just wants to cry, wherever she chooses to hide without people telling her she was wrong or lied....she just wants to be left alone. Hmm, I don't know.

There's nothing I can do now, like I said, but I'm still looking forward to finding out who's going to be the 3 winners. There's now over 70 entries.

 

[Liar]

Ah shit. I was joking! I'm sorry.

De nada then. Been dealing with too many people who don't lately, hence my testyness.


Btw... I've been a little out of touch lately, so I might have missed it if it's been mentioned elsewhere... Where and what is this contest? It would be interresting to follow

 

[Guest]

De nada then. Been dealing with too many people who don't lately, hence my testyness.


Btw... I've been a little out of touch lately, so I might have missed it if it's been mentioned elsewhere... Where and what is this contest? It would be interresting to follow

The contest is on another fabulous site. I'ma gonna keep that hush hush. As of today, there's 76 entries. Mine got viewed 139 times with 46 comments with professional stats. We'll see what happens. I'm excited, but there's so many others. I'm trying to stay positive but with so many people--> Ack! Most of the poets are rhymers, and they're not keeping the meter consistent throughout. Also, their punctuation needs a lot of work- about 50% of them. I'm really picky about punct. and meter in my rhyming poetry. Me is just me.

I know tomorrows the deadline, but I'm not sure the results will be in the same day. I hope in the next few days.

Edit to add: I must take the picture down. I'm afraid I could get in trouble. It's copyrighted.

 

[Guest]

Ah! I just went and looked, and I was wrong about the contest date. Apparantely it was for another one. The deadline is Sept. 29th for mine. Whether I win or lose, I will annouce it here when it's time.