Opening Up, feedback would be welcomed. My fist post.

[Rinvata]

I want to throw the splotched and scribbled pages of everything I’ve ever written at
you
laying naked and vulnerable in bed
covered, not well, by a sheet
waiting for me to take you

I stand at the foot of your bed while you are fucked by each word
every letter a bead of sweat as you absently caress your breast with my paper
I see your tousled hair, hear your ragged breath, feel your timid fear
You laugh and gasp at the rage and sweetness
Intensely lost in the time I was destroyed
Vacantly present in the place I found god
Thundering waves crash on the arched alliteration of your back
Gasping and grasping as my pen pulls your hair and my ink kisses your neck
You will lounge contentedly
mascararunninglipsticksmeered just so
on top of my paper heart
begging me to make it real

And I will walk, trembling, out the door
I can never fuck you as well as my words

But halfway down the hall

halfway to the car

halfway down the road

halfway home

I’ll turn around and do it anyway.

 

[Bigtitsbitch1000x]

This is very good. I hesitate to offer microedits to any young writer. But your style is good and images are fresh.

Can you do another in the same style?

(( O )... ( O ))

 

[Angeline]

This is very good. I hesitate to offer mucroedits to any young writer. But your style is good and images are fresh.

Can you do another in the same style?

(( O )... ( O ))

This is great starter feedback. I hesitated to respond because I didn't want to discourage with recommendations for revising.

I like the idea of the poem very much, that words and act are inseparable. That's really good. Overall I'd think about how to walk the line between being poetic and being clear. Metaphors and metaphoric images within the context of a poem are very good but they also have to be plausible. And it's always good to edit thinking about avoiding repetition (unless you're using it as a rhetorical device) and getting rid of every word you don't absolutely need.

But!!! Having said all that the best way to achieve the things I'm suggesting is to keep writing. So BTB's advice is just right.

 

[Rinvata]

This is very good. I hesitate to offer microedits to any young writer. But your style is good and images are fresh.

Can you do another in the same style?

(( O )... ( O ))

Thank you! I will put another together in the same vein. And I'm very interested in any feedback, while I'm new here, I've done a great deal of spoken word performance in my 40some years.

 

[Rinvata]

This is great starter feedback. I hesitated to respond because I didn't want to discourage with recommendations for revising.

I like the idea of the poem very much, that words and act are inseparable. That's really good. Overall I'd think about how to walk the line between being poetic and being clear. Metaphors and metaphoric images within the context of a poem are very good but they also have to be plausible. And it's always good to edit thinking about avoiding repetition (unless you're using it as a rhetorical device) and getting rid of every word you don't absolutely need.

But!!! Having said all that the best way to achieve the things I'm suggesting is to keep writing. So BTB's advice is just right.

Thank you! This is great guidance. It's got my mind working on changes and the next one. I appreciate the feedback very much.

 

[42Below]

I like the poem it made me smile.

As an effort I think it’s one you can be proud of. At which point you need not read further. But if you still feel the need for the unnecessary…

I suspect you already know that line breaks, gramatical features enjambment and or em dash —are all powerful poetical devices in their own right. I’m just wondering about the inter-verse line breaks. On one hand they look instinctual which is great. On the other hand they look messy which makes sense given the poem. Still I wonder what the poem would look like with line breaks reformatted?

As a suggest exercise; when wishing to rewrite: treat adjective noun combos suspiciouly. Adjective noun combos often result in the writer ‘telling’ not ‘showing.’ But when we mess with adjective noun combo’s we get interesting new possibilities.

For example if we take waves’ out of your line beginning ‘Thudering’ we could end up with,

‘I found god thundering on the arched alliteration of your back’

as oppossed to,

‘Vacantly present in the place I found god
Thundering waves crash on the arched alliteration of your back’

One invites the readers imagination the other tells the reader what to imagine.

The above should be viewed as just a rewrite trick and not an opinion on your poem.

My opinion: you are justified if feeling satisfied with your efforts. I enjoyed it. Especially the way you consistenly maintained the poems ‘tone of voice.’ And it made me smile.

Thanks for sharing.

Feel free to ‘tell’ me to fuck off that’s the fun part when asking for feedback.

 

[42Below]

Note on style: as a ‘Lit Stroker’ the balance between ‘tell’ and ‘show’ is stylistically PERFECT in your poem.

My credentials? None.

Kind regards from a comparitively poorer poet.

 

[Rinvata]

I like the poem it made me smile.

As an effort I think it’s one you can be proud of. At which point you need not read further. But if you still feel the need for the unnecessary…

I suspect you already know that line breaks, gramatical features enjambment and or em dash —are all powerful poetical devices in their own right. I’m just wondering about the inter-verse line breaks. On one hand they look instinctual which is great. On the other hand they look messy which makes sense given the poem. Still I wonder what the poem would look like with line breaks reformatted?

As a suggest exercise; when wishing to rewrite: treat adjective noun combos suspiciouly. Adjective noun combos often result in the writer ‘telling’ not ‘showing.’ But when we mess with adjective noun combo’s we get interesting new possibilities.

For example if we take waves’ out of your line beginning ‘Thudering’ we could end up with,

‘I found god thundering on the arched alliteration of your back’

as oppossed to,

‘Vacantly present in the place I found god
Thundering waves crash on the arched alliteration of your back’

One invites the readers imagination the other tells the reader what to imagine.

The above should be viewed as just a rewrite trick and not an opinion on your poem.

My opinion: you are justified if feeling satisfied with your efforts. I enjoyed it. Especially the way you consistenly maintained the poems ‘tone of voice.’ And it made me smile.

Thanks for sharing.

Feel free to ‘tell’ me to fuck off that’s the fun part when asking for feedback.

This is outstanding feedback!! Thank you so much. You are right in that my line breaks are instinct rather than form. I like to play around with the and punctuation to try to create different meanings depending on the pace of the poem. The note on the thundering line has given me a ton to think about. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

[42Below]

Love the passion with which you write with. Look forwards to your future servings of fresh poetry. Nice to make your aquaintance. Look out for my poetry writing prompt in July. I think it will be right up your alley. So sharpen your quill as will I.

Congrats on getting a emoji from Angeline. They don’t come easy.

Best,