Moving on from BDSM

[sigsauerprinces]

I'm not sure how popular this thread will be, given that when I was into BDSM I would have had no desire to read this thread, but I'm just curious, I guess. When I last posted here regularly I had a master and thought I'd be a sub for life, thought it was all I wanted, didn't get off on anything vanilla, liked being extreme, ect ect. Now it's a few years later, I don't have a master, and I no longer fantasize about the extreme things I once did (rape play, being 'kidnapped', slapped, hit, kicked, cut, choked, ect).

Maybe some would say I was never really a sub, then... but while I was into that stuff, I was truly really into it. Things just...change, sometimes. My master passed away, and I just couldn't see being with anyone else the way I was with him. I know I'll never open up to anyone the way I did with him - he got complete honesty out of me but it was a fluke - I only told him certain things because I thought in the beginning I'd never talk to him again, that it was going to be a short term thing. Little did I know, I was going to fall madly in love with him. So he knew that side of me, a side no one else knows or ever will know, because it's not really something you can bring up in casual conversation. But anyway - I was happy with him - things weren't perfect, but they were very, very good. And then he got cancer. He didn't want to stick around as a shell of his former self, and as much as it hurt, I understood. When he went off chemo I asked him once to go back on, and he said no, and I left it be.

After he passed away, I was bereft. My whole world looked different, I felt spaced out, like I was in a trance. I spent three months pretty much in my bedroom, in my pajamas, staring at animal planet. I couldn't bear watching people interact with eachother. I didn't think about sex, didnt go on the internet. And then one day, three and a half months after he passed away, I went online. Some people were talking about bands, and they mentioned a band called the Libertines. I'd never heard of them, but I decided to download some of their music, and I fell in love with it, completely. I started coming out of my shell a bit, listening to music, going out with friends once a week or so, and in a way it was like being reborn. The thing is though - I didn't really have any bdsm desires anymore. I don't know why, I just didn't. It's been almost two years since my master passed away, and what I'm looking for now in a relationship is nothing like what I had. I want someone who'll be gentle with me, respect me (I'm not saying doms don't respect subs, I'm just explaining what I want), love me. I just dont desire the rough stuff much. It's not totally gone though - sometimes I imagine being held down a bit or having my hair pulled, or someone just being a bit rough during sex, but honestly, that's it. I wouldn't want it to go further than that. All the choking/hitting ect that I used to find so hot, just leaves me cold.

I'm honestly not sure why I'm writing this - I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has felt this way, and if so, was it just a 'phase' - did you get back into the stuff you used to like? It's been two years, and I don't find myself 'escalating' (for lack of a better term). I don't find myself wanting rougher and rougher things, like before. When I fantasize about sex I imagine a gorgeous guy from an indie band, in skinny jeans with messy hair - maybe we can't wait to have eachother and we do it up against a wall in an alley - he's passionate with me but not rough, and actually makes a point to kiss me and be gentle. That gets me off immensely - I don't need to fantasize about anything rough to get turned on.

I've dated a bit but nothing really serious. Had sex but again, nothing too serious - and not as much as I used to, as I just feel less inclined to share my body unless I really have feelings for someone.

I guess I'm just asking what you make of all this. Are my bdsm days over, do you think?

thanks in advance if you've read all of this - I know it was just a tad long

 

[His_pita]

sigsauerprinces, your post touched me very much. I am sorry that you lost your Master and I'm happy that you are living life again. This is a subject I have thought about because my Master is considerably older than me, and chances are that I could be alone one day. Hopefully, I'll be too old to care, but one never knows what lies in store for us, do we?

I seriously doubt I would look for another dominant. I can't picture giving that much of myself to someone other than him. But again, there is no way of predicting the future. I wasn't looking for a dominant when I found mine.

My Master and I have one motto that we live by, "If it ain't fun, don't do it." That is how I want to live my life forever and that is how you should as well. Follow your passions, find your peace, and wherever that leads you embrace it to its fullest.

(((((hugs)))) to you.

 

[the captians wench]

personally I don't see why a M/s, D/s what ever, relationship has to be either rough or tender. The lovers and playmates that I've enjoyed the most have had a good balance of both. Sometimes it's that soft kiss out of no where, or a tender reach for my hand, or a text saying "good morning my pet" that has made my heart throb just as much if not more than the tugs on my pigtails, or grasp of my leash.

just saying.

 

[Recidiva]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Do what's right for you now. Loss and grief can change people in ways that can't be predicted, and then we can change back for no reason discernable, it's not something someone else can decide for you. Even with my personal grief or loss, I can't imagine reaching into yours to tell you what's what there. Sometimes there's just chaos and you need to pick something to be true, and you hold to that. Few things make sense in light of the loss of someone who filled up so much of your life. It also makes sense to go in a different direction for a little while if that direction has so much pain and loss.

I change very much from partner to partner. The fewer value judgments I put on my thoughts and desires and reactions, the easier it is to be flexible and pick and choose what I need.

I hope you find what you need, whatever that is.

 

[WriterDom]

I met someone who lost their Master once. He was married and she heard from a friend that he had died. She saw it in the paper. All of their toys were in the house. It was kind of creepy in a sad way. I spent the night with her but never saw her again. We were 6 hours away anyway. That was years ago. I hope she has found another Master.

Time heals and life goes on. I don't think anyone who has passed would want to see their loved one alone.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find happiness again. If it involves bdsm or not.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You have been missed around these parts, and I am sorry you have had to go through so much emotional pain. I don't think any of us can fully answer your questions as we are not you, in your space, at this time, but perhaps some thoughts and speculations might help you answer them for yourself.

Grief is a strange thing, it affects everyone differently, and yet there can be similarities. I know since my father's suicide, our D/s has been impacted on hugely, some with obvious connections, some which don't seem to have any rhyme nor reason. I am fortunate to have F work through it with me, back off when it seems safer than pushing on, and just patiently wait for me to come back to myself again. Of course, I suspect menopause is making that path a little unpredictable and hazy, but I'm hanging in there. I can only imagine losing your Master the way you did that it is going to impact your previous feelings toward D/s, and even bury them so deep they are difficult to see or know if they are still there. Maybe it will come back, maybe it won't, and maybe it will come back in a different form.

I suspect you will never want exactly the same relationship as it would not only be a painful reminder, but could never be the same with someone else. I don't think D/s makes it any different to a mainstream person going through similar losses. I also think when we give ourselves so deeply to one person it is difficult to contemplate doing it again. The saddest thing is when you don't move on from that point....I have watched my mother do that all her life and blinded to just what she could have had if she had given herself permission to. It takes time, but maybe someday you will be able to open your deeper emotions up again with someone else, or maybe they will just happen along and open them for you without your meaning or intending them to...someone different but hopefully just as special in their own way. I know for me I have often given thought to if anything happened to F how I would feel about future relationships. Apart from our agreement I would not have an M/s relationship with anyone else, I know I could not find another who fills the particular groove in just the way F does. I imagine I might be able to have a relationship with someone else in time, but it would be a different relationship because my needs would be changed by the loss, and the person would be different.

I think you need to be in a different place such as you are to help you with the healing process. Getting involved and interested in different things than you did before allows your spirit to heal, to not be constantly comparing, constantly longing for something you cannot have, opening you up to the world again in a gentle way. Be kind to yourself and let the process move at its own speed, try not to worry too much about where you are headed, and continue to find joy in the things you have been...it is all good and healthier than shutting yourself off and stopping yourself from being part of the world, or racing headlong into relationships to try and dull the pain of your loss. You cannot replace him, but you can begin to live again. I think you are showing the strength you always displayed when you posted here before, and moving forward into a new phase of your journey.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1372/535079392_f8b8c0b2d0_t.jpg Catalina

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[FurryFury]

You are grieving. Sometimes that can make a person numb or cut them off from what they really enjoy and yes, people do change too.

*HUG*

I'm so sorry you lost your master. I can only imagine how painful that must be.

It's easy to get stuck in a not fully living place after such a loss. It takes great courage and fortitude to truly grieve so you can live again.

To me, I think it helps to believe that your loved one would not want you stuck and only going through the motions of life but fully involved again when you are ready.

Support groups can help. So can certain books. PM if you would like more specific information about some of these things.

Do I think your BDSM days are over? No. Unless you never start truly living in the present again. You have to be able to do that, to enjoy the tastes, sounds, and sensations life has to offer.

Some people think if you love someone, you must stop being able to enjoy things when they die, otherwise your love wasn't real or enough. I totally disagree with that. What better way to honor them then to use your time here to the fullest you can manage?

 

[sigsauerprinces]

sigsauerprinces, your post touched me very much. I am sorry that you lost your Master and I'm happy that you are living life again. This is a subject I have thought about because my Master is considerably older than me, and chances are that I could be alone one day. Hopefully, I'll be too old to care, but one never knows what lies in store for us, do we?

I seriously doubt I would look for another dominant. I can't picture giving that much of myself to someone other than him. But again, there is no way of predicting the future. I wasn't looking for a dominant when I found mine.

My Master and I have one motto that we live by, "If it ain't fun, don't do it." That is how I want to live my life forever and that is how you should as well. Follow your passions, find your peace, and wherever that leads you embrace it to its fullest.

(((((hugs)))) to you.

Thank you <3 I hope you have many more years with your Master I like your motto, "if it aint fun, don't do it". I do live my life a bit differently now - I guess I just have an awareness that it could all end tomorrow, so you really need to make the most of life. Oh, and I take my health a lot more seriously now. But yeah, I make it a point to have fun.

I can't imagine looking for another dominant. I guess if it happens, it happens, but it's not what I'm aiming for. At the same time though, like I said, those feelings aren't totally gone. I still think sometimes about being held down and certain things like that - it's just nothing like it used to be. I'm definitely following my passions though - I've actually had some really good things happen in the last couple years, and met some wonderful people, whom I'm really grateful to have in my life.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

personally I don't see why a M/s, D/s what ever, relationship has to be either rough or tender. The lovers and playmates that I've enjoyed the most have had a good balance of both. Sometimes it's that soft kiss out of no where, or a tender reach for my hand, or a text saying "good morning my pet" that has made my heart throb just as much if not more than the tugs on my pigtails, or grasp of my leash.

just saying.

I didn't mean to say there's no gentleness in a D/s relationship - I had plenty in mine. I was just contrasting now with then - back then I needed the roughness along with the gentleness - right now I seem to be more focused on the gentleness aspect, with no desire for the rougher stuff. That surprises me, because it's not how I felt before, so I'm just trying to understand it.

 

[HottieMama]

i am SO sorry for your loss.

Accept yourself just as you are in this moment, and cherish that. People do change and life changes us as well.

i sincerely think that (god forbid) if LC passed away i wouldn't go looking for anyone else, at least not in a D/s context.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Do what's right for you now. Loss and grief can change people in ways that can't be predicted, and then we can change back for no reason discernable, it's not something someone else can decide for you. Even with my personal grief or loss, I can't imagine reaching into yours to tell you what's what there. Sometimes there's just chaos and you need to pick something to be true, and you hold to that. Few things make sense in light of the loss of someone who filled up so much of your life. It also makes sense to go in a different direction for a little while if that direction has so much pain and loss.

I change very much from partner to partner. The fewer value judgments I put on my thoughts and desires and reactions, the easier it is to be flexible and pick and choose what I need.

I hope you find what you need, whatever that is.

Thank you. It's not that I want someone else to decide, I just was curious if anyone else had gone through what I'm going through - if, after some kind of major life event, they found their desire for bdsm changing. I have picked something to be true, to hold to - not a religion or anything, just a philosophy I guess, and that is that I can do anything I set my mind to, anything's possible, and I deserve good things to happen to me. I'm worthy. Maybe that's something a lot of people already believe, but for me, it's new. My master played a big part in me feeling that way, but what's come after his passing has as well. The amazing thing is how much my life has changed, simply because I decided one day that I was worth good things happening to me, and that if I wanted something enough, I could make it happen. My life is definitely going in a good direction these days.. I just still have unanswered questions, especially in the whole bdsm arena. Wondering if I'm still a sub, and if so, how much, and what is a sub really, and am I less of a sub because I only want my hair pulled instead of an hour long paddling session. There are some really smart, wise, funny people on this forum, so I thought I'd throw it out there and see if anyone had any ideas

 

[sigsauerprinces]

I met someone who lost their Master once. He was married and she heard from a friend that he had died. She saw it in the paper. All of their toys were in the house. It was kind of creepy in a sad way. I spent the night with her but never saw her again. We were 6 hours away anyway. That was years ago. I hope she has found another Master.

Time heals and life goes on. I don't think anyone who has passed would want to see their loved one alone.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find happiness again. If it involves bdsm or not.

thank you xx

 

[Recidiva]

Thank you. It's not that I want someone else to decide, I just was curious if anyone else had gone through what I'm going through - if, after some kind of major life event, they found their desire for bdsm changing. I have picked something to be true, to hold to - not a religion or anything, just a philosophy I guess, and that is that I can do anything I set my mind to, anything's possible, and I deserve good things to happen to me. I'm worthy. Maybe that's something a lot of people already believe, but for me, it's new. My master played a big part in me feeling that way, but what's come after his passing has as well. The amazing thing is how much my life has changed, simply because I decided one day that I was worth good things happening to me, and that if I wanted something enough, I could make it happen. My life is definitely going in a good direction these days.. I just still have unanswered questions, especially in the whole bdsm arena. Wondering if I'm still a sub, and if so, how much, and what is a sub really, and am I less of a sub because I only want my hair pulled instead of an hour long paddling session. There are some really smart, wise, funny people on this forum, so I thought I'd throw it out there and see if anyone had any ideas

Those sound like wonderful things to believe in

Grief transforms you. My brother committed suicide and it completely transformed the landscape of where I wanted to go in my own mind and what I wanted to do with my life.

It was too painful at first to think about anything. And my most recurrent thought was "None of this means anything" in a very bitter and negative way.

After a while I learned to deal with the pain, appreciate him for who he was, be able to hear him lecture me about being a dork, and moved on to "Hey...none of this means anything!" in a much more positive way. It meant I could alter the meaning in my life as I saw fit. Things didn't have to remain meaningless if I stopped believing in the inherited truth to things, and started investing myself in my own life instead of letting things ride like fate was going to take care of me.

It was one of the best choices I've made, and I do believe it took that trauma to show me...just what power I have in myself that I take for granted.

 

[the captians wench]

I didn't mean to say there's no gentleness in a D/s relationship - I had plenty in mine. I was just contrasting now with then - back then I needed the roughness along with the gentleness - right now I seem to be more focused on the gentleness aspect, with no desire for the rougher stuff. That surprises me, because it's not how I felt before, so I'm just trying to understand it.

Okay, I can understand that. Just how you discribed things made it sound like you felt you could only have one or the other.

I play tenor sax. I love my sax, started playing in jr. high, went into every band I could in highschool and loved every minute of it. My step dad loved to listen to me practice. He was so proud of my playing. A simple c major scale sounded like a symphony to him. I would play until my lips bled, just to see that proud look in his eyes. When he died, I thought I would never play again. I had no desire to play, I hated the sound. After a few months, my mom and I found an amazing deal on a tenor, she still had a little of the insurance money left over, so it was almost like my step dad buying it for me. And I did pick it up and play it. and I do go thru moments when I have to hang it up for a while, but they pass.

I know it's not the same, but I hope it might help a little.

 

[saw_man1]

********

 

[Netzach]

First of all, I am so massively sorry.

Second of all, the transformative power of the right band at the right time is an awesome awesome thing. Music does make this place worth sticking around sometimes, or the right art or book.

Major life events do change us. You'll never see the world through the exact eyes you did then, I think that's part of our sense of loss as much as the person lost or thing lost - the "who I was before ..." loss is nothing to be underestimated.

Thank you. It's not that I want someone else to decide, I just was curious if anyone else had gone through what I'm going through - if, after some kind of major life event, they found their desire for bdsm changing.

I think it's completely logical to be changed and I've been changed in that regard by a much less traumatic event than losing a partner. So it's totally logical to me, what you have to say about this. What I like to do and the way in which I do it has been changed in radical ways. Sex adoration and tenderness have crept up into the mix again and the "light" stuff has been given enormous new weight.

I'm beginning to have no idea what a sub is. I'm getting frustrated with the literal nature of the debates in this subculture, and the fact that I don't have a name for the dynamic I have with my lover, or really the dynamic I have with my husband either. When I look at other couples talk about their D/s I'm often totally nonplussed - I get parts of it OK, but then inevitably there's some kicker that makes me realize that I am not in D/s relationships if we're going by certain common standards at all.

 

[nh23]

I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry. I can't even imagine what your feeling right now. I hope you can find peace...

 

[Colton_White]

.....................

I guess I'm just asking what you make of all this. Are my bdsm days over, do you think?

thanks in advance if you've read all of this - I know it was just a tad long

Colton White hasn't read whole your article but only last part.

I wish you Best of Luck in finding your 'Special one'

 

[Etoile]

First of all, ssp, I am sorry for your loss. I have wondered what happened to you and I certainly understand the absence.

I'd like to take this thread in a slightly different direction. What if one moves on from BDSM while staying in the same relationship? That's pretty much what's happened to me. It's been over the course of at least the last four years...it's been waning, and waning, and waning. C's interest is not at all what it used to be, it's just not. But I'm not the type who can fall out of love with someone just because the sex isn't great; if that was the case I wouldn't still be married either.

I tried for a long time to force em to dominate me more, and e just didn't understand what I wanted. I think eir head just stopped being in that mindset. It still makes me sad to think about, especially when e says "you're MY pussy" or whatever during sex, because I know e doesn't really mean it...e talks the talk but hasn't walked the walk for a long time.

I've gotten out of the habit of expecting it. We still do the occasional breathplay and choking, and I am usually expected to do whatever sexual act I am told to, but that's about all there is. No domination, no feeling of really being eir slave anymore. I know a lot of people would run for the hills, but it's just the course our relationship has taken. I don't think it makes me ANY less of a pyl, it just means I don't get to exercise that part of me in any of my relationships. *shrugs*

What do y'all think?

 

[Colton_White]

First of all, ssp, I am sorry for your loss. I have wondered what happened to............ staying in the same relationship? That's pretty much what's happened to me. ........

I tried for a long time to force em to dominate me more, and e just didn't understan.......*shrugs*

What do y'all think?

Colton White thinks you'll enjoyed being called "You're my lady" than being called "You're my pussy"

 

[Colton_White]

First of all, ssp, I am sorry for your loss. I have wondered what happened to you and I certainly understand the absence.

I'd like to take this thread in a slightly different direction. What if one moves on from BDSM while staying in the same relationship? That's pretty much what's happened to me. ........... I know a lot of people would run for the hills, but it's just the course our relationship has taken. I don't think it makes me ANY less of a pyl, it just means I don't get to exercise that part of me in any of my relationships. *shrugs*

What do y'all think?

May be E is feeling shy, or you both have communication gap , that's all that Colton White can think of.

Best of luck, getting your relationship spiced up again

 

[FurryFury]

First of all, ssp, I am sorry for your loss. I have wondered what happened to you and I certainly understand the absence.

I'd like to take this thread in a slightly different direction. What if one moves on from BDSM while staying in the same relationship? That's pretty much what's happened to me. It's been over the course of at least the last four years...it's been waning, and waning, and waning. C's interest is not at all what it used to be, it's just not. But I'm not the type who can fall out of love with someone just because the sex isn't great; if that was the case I wouldn't still be married either.

I tried for a long time to force em to dominate me more, and e just didn't understand what I wanted. I think eir head just stopped being in that mindset. It still makes me sad to think about, especially when e says "you're MY pussy" or whatever during sex, because I know e doesn't really mean it...e talks the talk but hasn't walked the walk for a long time.

I've gotten out of the habit of expecting it. We still do the occasional breathplay and choking, and I am usually expected to do whatever sexual act I am told to, but that's about all there is. No domination, no feeling of really being eir slave anymore. I know a lot of people would run for the hills, but it's just the course our relationship has taken. I don't think it makes me ANY less of a pyl, it just means I don't get to exercise that part of me in any of my relationships. *shrugs*

What do y'all think?

I think it sucks that your PYL isn't doing the things you crave. I totally understand continuing to love and be there for your PYL. I agree it doesn't make you less of a pyl.

*HUG*

I'm sorry you are not getting the things you want with your PYL anymore. That doesn't seem fair.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

I so can relate with this. I recently was in the same boat.

I am sorry and hope this passes.

First of all, ssp, I am sorry for your loss. I have wondered what happened to you and I certainly understand the absence.

I'd like to take this thread in a slightly different direction. What if one moves on from BDSM while staying in the same relationship? That's pretty much what's happened to me. It's been over the course of at least the last four years...it's been waning, and waning, and waning. C's interest is not at all what it used to be, it's just not. But I'm not the type who can fall out of love with someone just because the sex isn't great; if that was the case I wouldn't still be married either.

I tried for a long time to force em to dominate me more, and e just didn't understand what I wanted. I think eir head just stopped being in that mindset. It still makes me sad to think about, especially when e says "you're MY pussy" or whatever during sex, because I know e doesn't really mean it...e talks the talk but hasn't walked the walk for a long time.

I've gotten out of the habit of expecting it. We still do the occasional breathplay and choking, and I am usually expected to do whatever sexual act I am told to, but that's about all there is. No domination, no feeling of really being eir slave anymore. I know a lot of people would run for the hills, but it's just the course our relationship has taken. I don't think it makes me ANY less of a pyl, it just means I don't get to exercise that part of me in any of my relationships. *shrugs*

What do y'all think?

 

[Recidiva]

First of all, ssp, I am sorry for your loss. I have wondered what happened to you and I certainly understand the absence.

I'd like to take this thread in a slightly different direction. What if one moves on from BDSM while staying in the same relationship? That's pretty much what's happened to me. It's been over the course of at least the last four years...it's been waning, and waning, and waning. C's interest is not at all what it used to be, it's just not. But I'm not the type who can fall out of love with someone just because the sex isn't great; if that was the case I wouldn't still be married either.

I tried for a long time to force em to dominate me more, and e just didn't understand what I wanted. I think eir head just stopped being in that mindset. It still makes me sad to think about, especially when e says "you're MY pussy" or whatever during sex, because I know e doesn't really mean it...e talks the talk but hasn't walked the walk for a long time.

I've gotten out of the habit of expecting it. We still do the occasional breathplay and choking, and I am usually expected to do whatever sexual act I am told to, but that's about all there is. No domination, no feeling of really being eir slave anymore. I know a lot of people would run for the hills, but it's just the course our relationship has taken. I don't think it makes me ANY less of a pyl, it just means I don't get to exercise that part of me in any of my relationships. *shrugs*

What do y'all think?

I think this is the way many relationships go or can go. In the context of change or the context of grief, tiny incremental differences or huge traumas, both make changes that can be simultaneously inexplicable and understandable. It's like wondering how my son can grow so much in a few months. I don't notice day to day, I just look up instead of down at him one day and say "Damn...you're...tall..." and there's no real going back. But there's a big change in attitude between that looking down and that looking up.

There's always a balance between "What I have" and "What I want" and I always have to be conscious of where exactly the line is for "WHAT I NEED"

If my needs are met, I stand on that line contemplating what I have and being grateful, and what I want and either choosing to go after it, or deciding that what I have is more worth preserving to not push out further in that direction. I appreciate the difference between have and want. I have a decent balance.

Needs aren't really negotiable for me, I fade or you crack, I break or I don't live fully in that place where my needs are denied. I can live a full happy life not having everything I want. I can spend that time being grateful for what I have.

I usually leave a relationship when I feel that not only are my needs not being met, but I no longer get joy in fulfilling the other person's needs. What I have becomes less valuable, what I want becomes more valuable, and I decide to go after what I want in tune with what I need.

I NEED joy. I can be happy in difficult conditions, as long as I'm joyful about what I'm doing and who I am. If I lose that sense of harmony with who I am and I can't pick up that tune, ultimately...I'll make a change, because it's in my nature to hunt my own needs when they're missing just as much as is in my nature to be overjoyed when they're met.

What do you need?