More Humour

[EdEc]

An old man enters the confessional booth in a Roman Catholic church. The priest slides the panel open and says,"Begin". Father, my name is Hyman Goldberg and I'm 78 years old. Three months ago I married a 36 year old brunette and we have sex in every position 7 nights a week. Two weeks ago her 24 year old blonde sister moved in with us and she joins us in bed for sexual escapades every night of the week.
The priest says, "Mr. Goldberg, aren't you Jewish?"
"Yes, Father". he replies.
Mr. Goldberg why are you telling all fo this to me? This is a Roman Catholic church, not a synagogue."
"Father, I'm telling everybody".

 

[Handley_Page]

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard. The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that position every night.”
The passenger replies,
“My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”
The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks,
“How was it?”
The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”
The driver looks at him funny and says,
“Ten drinks?”
The passenger says,
“Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited…

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH,” the warden said sternly.

“What fish?” the man asked.

 

[Handley_Page]

Billy comes home from school early one day to find his mum riding up and down on his dad on the bed.

"Mum what you doing to dad?" asks Billy.

Mum replies,"I'm trying to flatten his belly".

"There's no point mum, 'cos Mrs Davis, from next door, just comes round and gets on her knees and blows him back up again" pipes up Billy.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

The top two military might countries had a secret meeting about the current situation and decided to send RAMBO and JAMES BOND, to save their stranded countrymen.

 

[Handley_Page]

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else ?", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row
" Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Great Falls."
"Really ?," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister has died, and I am her attorney.
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

 

[Privates1stClass]

Speaking of falls, referring to Handley_Page's joke above,

Question: Where to senior citizens go for their honeymoon?









Answer: To Viagra Falls, of course.

 

[Handley_Page]

Why Women Are Happier People
________________________________________
Women can flirt with anything that has a pulse.

Women are legally entitled to both blankets and three-quarters of the mattress. It’s a thing; you can look it up.

Women can stop and ask directions without feeling like they’re having their sexuality challenged.

A woman can switch her hair colour six times in two months and her co-workers will still talk to her.

Baldness ? - enough said...

If she wishes, a woman can change her last name again and again. No problem, no FBI file.

A woman who is feeling blue can lift her mood by putting on some sexy lingerie. A man who tries that had better be auditioning for a Rocky Horror revival.

Women have a choice of what colour to wear to a formal event. As for weddings, who ever looks at what the groom is wearing?

Nobody is going to think less of her if a woman goes to the washroom for a quiet sniffle after her boss gets angry at her.

Once a month, women can get sympathy and time off work for losing their tempers over trivial issues.

Women will never be called wimps if they choose to not engage in bone-breaking sports.

Nobody ever wrote a song about ‘The Boy From Ipanema’. Expand that a bit - just opening a blouse button and smiling sweetly can get free drinks from a bartender, a miniskirt is the cover charge at many nightclubs and chin quavers get total strangers to change flat tires in the pouring rain.

Women dance without feeling foolish or self-conscious. They can dance by themselves in public and not get weird looks.

That women need three suitcases to go on vacation is immaterial because women know they’re not going to be the ones carrying them.

“Women and children first!” Think that one through...

Women can change their minds all the time without being scorned as indecisive.

Women get their tummies patted when they’re pregnant. Anybody ever patted Daddy’s package and exclaimed, “Good job, dude!”

Name three young men who have married billionaires.

Finally - and drum roll, please! So, men can pee standing up? I have two words for you, Ben. Just two words. Are you listening? ‘Multiple orgasms’. Still feeling like you won that lottery?

No wonder women are happier!

 

[Taggy1]

True story; One of Will's friends was a project manager at a firm in Croydon, Surrey, who made antimagnetic time and distance log recorders for Royal Navy frigates, and he told us this story.

The company was originally Swiss, but was nationalized, then bought out piecemeal by a German engineering concern, and the Germans descended en-masse on the premises to check out every single piece of equipment, process, methodology, the whole ball of wax.

As a senior project manager, John was in the front line of all their typically supercilious German interrogation about why they did things such-and-such way and how they did it so much better in Germany, and how their German machinery was so much better than what was being used, until John had had enough, and told the man interrogating him that British machinery was still far superior to German, in fact, his father, the last time he went to Germany, had used a British machine that unloaded 14 tons of steel in less than 10 seconds. The German man looked skeptical and asked him what this machinery was, and John told him 'a fucking Lancaster bomber...'

Love it

 

[Handley_Page]

Young Irish lad goes to confession. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is the nature of this sin, my son?”

“Father, I had sex with a young woman.”

“Oh dear,” the priest said. “That’s terrible. Was it with Margaret O’Toole?”
The young man paused before replying. “Father, what sort of gentleman would answer that?”

“Patrick, I insist. Was it Sally Finnegan?”

“No, Father. Please, don’t push this. I’m cannot tell you.”

“Patrick O’Rourke! This is not only about your sin and your soul; it’s also about hers. Now, be honest. Was it Mary McMichael?”

“No. I won’t tell you, Father.”

“I am very disappointed in you, Patrick. You are to do 100 Hail Mary’s and you are barred from Mass for four weeks.”

“Yes, Father.”

The man then leaves the church and is greeted by a friend of his.

“Well, Paddy,” his friend asks. “What did you get?”

He grinned. “Three good leads and a month’s vacation!

 

[fma20fma]

hi

teacher: where is lot of sugar available from/how do we get sugar?
Student: we get all the sugar from the mall and we get it out after stealing.

 

[Handley_Page]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.
Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the
morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the
box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

 

[Handley_Page]

And they also vote

Tried to explain to a graduate student, who was a few days from graduating, that she didn't have to take her BMW to the dealer because the water stopped coming out of the windshield wipers. She could buy a bottle of fluid for like $1-$2 and just refill it. She bought the bottle of fluid at an auto parts store and poured it into the gas tank.

= = = = = =

I had to explain that "No, the refrigerator light will not heat up and spoil the food near it. See? It turns off when the door is shut. Yes, I am sure, see this button? Yes, the door makes the light go off by pushing in this button"
She took the light bulb out anyway "just to be sure". This was my sister in law.

 

[moreandmore]

A king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing.



On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm." The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."



So the King continued on his way.



However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace, and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.

I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this day!

 

[Handley_Page]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says,

"Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,

"Pierre, kiss me ! much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.

He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, and shouts for all to hear.

"I am Pierre, the brave fighter pilot!"

"If I go down, I go down in flames!

 

[oggbashan]

We need a sentry...

From the letters page of The Times and other sources.

1. Catherine the Great of Russia saw the first snowdrop in a courtyard of one of her palaces. She ordered that a sentry should stand by it to make sure no one trampled it. Centuries later, after the courtyard had been paved for over one hundred years and after the Russian revolution, someone asked why a sentry was standing in the courtyard. It took until 1960 to stop posting the sentry.

2, In 1955, Dover Castle was still a military base. A new commandant took over and looked at the duties of all the soldiers posted there. One puzzled him. 24 hours a day a sentry stood on the roof of the castle's keep with a telescope and a bell. No one knew why. It took a couple of weeks ' research to find out he had been posted there to watch for Napoleon Bonaparte's invasion fleet. When he saw it, he was to ring the bell.

3. A new teacher was appointed to a girls' boarding school in the late 1960s. Among her duties, she had to go on the roster to patrol around the outside of the school's buildings after dusk. She asked why. It took research to find out that this was started after Munich in 1938 to ensure that the school's blackout curtains were effective...

4, The Tower of London has the 'Keys' Ceremony every night, taking exactly the same time every night to the second and has done for hundreds of years. Except for one night in 1940 when the Chief Yeoman was bowled over and injured by the blast from a nearby German bomb. He picked himself up and carried on. The ceremony took 30 seconds longer than normal before he was treated for his wounds. The yeomen still regret the delay on that night.

 

[Handley_Page]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 -page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
Now, give me back my dog."

 

[Candy_Kane54]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now you look!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?"

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The Airbus pilot laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

*This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, but Smarter.*

 

[Handley_Page]

On his deathbed a man's wife and his four sons gather around him. Three of the boys are big, burly, and bright. Dave, the fourth was scrawny and rather scatterbrained.

The dying man looked at his wife and he said: "my time is up, and I can see the light. I won't be mad. Just tell me, please. I just can't believe that Dave is mine."

"Oh dear, we all love you," said his wife, "don't trouble yourself."

"I need to know," said the man, "Please ..."

"Don't worry, dear," said the wife. "Dave is your son."

"Really?"

"Yes dear," the wife said as he passed away.

As the five looked at the man's body the wife eventually said to her sons: "thank God he didn't ask about the other three of you."

 

[moreandmore]

Guy walks into a bar "Give me ten shots of your best whiskey!"
Bartender starts lining them up and this guy downs them about as quickly as they get filled.
Stunned, the bartender prods "Why are you drinking them so fast?"
"If you have what I have you would too!"
Getting concerned now "What do you have?"
"About two dollars."

 

[Handley_Page]

A king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing.

On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm." The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace, and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.

I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this day!

 

[oggbashan]

Dark Humour.

My youngest daughter is a palliative care specialist.

This week she was summoned to the ICU (Intensive care Unit) because the ICU specialist thought a patient might die. My daughter sat with the patient and his relations and talked through what would happen and what arrangements they needed to make. After an hour, she , the patient and his relations were content that they knew what would happen when the patient died.

The ICU doctor asked 'What will happen now?'

My daughter was startled.

"What do you think will happen?" she replied.

"I don't know."

"Why did you ask for me to come?"

"Oh. Perhaps because I thought the patient would die?"

"So? What will happen now?" My daughter prompted.

"He will die?"

He died within the hour...

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation ...

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

 

[Handley_Page]

A Veteran bought two cases of beer on sale and placed them on the front seat of his car and headed back home.
He stopped at a service station to get fuel and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on his passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering so would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
The Veteran thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer have you got?''

 

[EdEc]

There was a girl from Boston Mass.
Who went into the water up to her ankles.
I know that doesn't rhyme,
But wait 'til the tide comes in.