More Humour

[Handley_Page]

"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away."

Here's your sign, lady.
Wear it with pride.

 

[GothAngelBabe]

Read a doctor's note on a patient chart:

The patients says she sees others patients.

Wow how revealing we work at a hospital!

 

[Handley_Page]

Two well dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in Southend Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Essex girl married to a wealthy business
man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Abingdon.

After a little while Essex woman started by saying, "When my first
child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Abingdon commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Abingdon commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Abingdon lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked , "What did your husband buy for you when
you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the A bingdon lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they
teach you?"

The A bingdon lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of
saying, "Who gives a F..k?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that
precious?".

 

[DG Hear]

A man walked into the living room to see his wife sitting there watching the Food Network. Exasperated, he asked her "why do you still watch all those food and cooking shows? It hasn't helped a bit. Your cooking is still horrible."

She set the remote down, looked him square in the eye and said, "why do you still watch porn?"

 

[DG Hear]

I read on Facebook yesterday that someone posted this.

"Stop posting pictures of the food you had for Thanksgiving! We all had pretty much the same shit."

For some reason that made me laugh.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

A young man named Jim received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jim tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, Jim was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jim shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
Jim, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. Yes, the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Thinking that he'd hurt the parrot, Jim quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jim's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
Jim was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[desertslave]

http://i815.photobucket.com/albums/zz80/desertslave/Apostrophe_zpsafd6a714.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says: ​“Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.

​She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.​ I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (75+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."

 

[BonBon1976]

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

 

[Handley_Page]

Inventions and Inventors

In 1894, Lord Kelvin predicted that radio had no future; he also predicted that heavier-than-air flying machines were impossible.

The word "sneaker" was coined by Henry McKinney, an advertising agent for N.W. Ayer & Son.

Charles Macintosh invented the waterproof coat, the Mackintosh, in 1823.

Air-filled tyres were used on bicycles before they were used on motorcars.

The paperclip was invented by Norwegian Johann Vaaler.

Music was sent down a telephone line for the first time in 1876, the year the phone was invented.

Optical fiber was invented in 1966 by two British scientists called Charles Kao and George Hockham working for the British company Standard Telecommunication.

Joseph Niepce developed the world's first photographic image in 1827.

The videophone was invented by Bell Laboratories in 1927.

The very first projection of an image on a screen was made by a German priest. In 1646, Athanasius Kircher used a candle or oil lamp to project hand-painted images onto a white screen. Modern projectors emit more than a thousand Lumens!

The first neon sign was made in 1923 for a Packard dealership.

The first vending machine was invented by Hero of Alexandria in the first century. When a coin was dropped into a slot, its weight would pull a cork out of a spigot and the machine would dispense a trickle of holy water.

The can opener was invented 48 years after cans were introduced.

The hair perm was invented in 1906 by Karl Ludwig Nessler of Germany.

Leonardo da Vinci never built the inventions he designed.

Traffic lights were used before the advent of the motorcar.

The Monopoly game was invented by Charles Darrow in 1933. He sold the rights to George Parker in 1935, then aged 58. Parker invented more than 100 games, including Pit, Rook, Flinch, Risk and Clue.

One hour before Alexander Graham Bell registered his patent for the telephone in 1876, Elisha Gray patented his design. After years of litigation, the patent went to Bell.

Thomas Edison filed 1,093 patents, including those for the light bulb, electric railways and the movie camera. When he died in 1931, he held 34 patents for the telephone, 141 for batteries, 150 for the telegraph and 389 patents for electric light and power.

The first fax process was patented in 1843.

Count Alessandro Volta invented the first battery in the 18th century.

During the 1860s, George Leclanche developed the dry-cell battery, the basis for modern batteries.

In 1894 Thomas Edison and W K L Dickson introduced the first film camera.

In 1895 French brothers Auguste and Louis Lumiere demonstrated a projector system in Paris. In 1907 they screened the first public movie.

The first electronic mail, or "email", was sent in 1972 by Ray Tomlinson. It was also his idea to use the @ sign to separate the name of the user from the name of the computer.

Queen Elizabeth of Britain sent her first email in 1976.

In 1889, Kansas undertaker Almon B. Strowger wanted to prevent telephone operators from advising his rivals of the death of local citizens. So he invented the automatic exchange.

 

[DG Hear]

Volunteers?

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping
on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
All the blondes applauded.

 

[SweetMaj]

Volunteers?

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping
on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
All the blondes applauded.

...

 

[Handley_Page]

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me,

'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

 

[DG Hear]

I read this and it just made me laugh. Hi Maj, love the AV.
DG

Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"

John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fuckin pussy!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

 

[BonBon1976]

http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn214/Niome_album/litstuff/mwah_zps22458a09.jpg



BB

.

 

[Handley_Page]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I asked my wife to bring back me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

 

[DG Hear]

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Because they are tired of using their own.


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Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.


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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

 

[Handley_Page]

Then there's that awkward moment during morning prayers at church when you're in trouble and threatened with a slap, because someone reads Isaiah 40:14
"Has the Lord ever needed anyone’s advice?...."
and your response is
"That's why He made man before He made woman."

 

[DG Hear]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

 

[BonBon1976]

Naked Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.


What does a paranoid person think about a half full glass?
They want to know who drank the other half.

 

[Handley_Page]

What does a paranoid person think about a half full glass?
They want to know who drank the other half.

No, they want to prosecute the bas**d who drank the other half.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.


What does a paranoid person think about a half full glass?
They want to know who drank the other half.

No. A true paranoid would realize that some government sent an agent to poison the drink, but drain half of it so their target would think that, since half had been consumed and there were no bodies about, the potion was safe to drink.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

No. A true paranoid would realize that some government sent an agent to poison the drink, but drain half of it so their target would think that, since half had been consumed and there were no bodies about, the potion was safe to drink.

This has a certain ring of authority!

Does the writer speak from experience?