More Humour

[MediocreAuthor]

True story from hubby's youth, heard for the first time after 58 years of marriage.

Hubby went to buy his first jock strap at a local drugstore. They were kept behind the pharmacy counter.

Hubby: I'd like an athletic supporter.

Pharmacist: What size? Small, medium or large?

Four or five seconds's silence.

Pharmacist: That's waist size.

Took me a second. Good one

 

[TarnishedPenny]

It was 1943 and Britain was temporary home for hundreds of thousands of Allied troops, all bored and desperately homesick. To aid morale, many of the noble families opened up their estates to the visitors. One such fellow returned after his leave and was quizzed by his friends. He thought for a moment before replying.

"Well, if the bath water had been as warm as the wine and if the wine had been as old as the chicken and if the chicken had been as tender as the maid and if the maid had been as willing as the Duchess... Well, boys, I wouldn't have come back!”

 

[Candy_Kane54]

I heard this one today and got a chuckle from it:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

 

[JTass]

"Is shitshow one word, two words, or hyphenated? I’m trying to get this resignation letter just right."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Is Buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Should "nether lips" be hymenated?

 

[JTass]

Have you heard the old Native American proverb about every man having a light wolf and a dark wolf inside himself, and whichever the man feeds is the part of his soul that will thrive? I was curious whether the legend originated with a specific tribe or if some version existed across multiple Native American cultures. So I Googled the phrase "two wolves inside" to see what the internet had to say.

According to WebMD I have Wolf Cancer.

 

[JTass]

"Wait, so I'm supposed to know everything by my second rodeo? That seems like a really steep learning curve."

 

[JTass]

You know, now that I think about it, that's the worst possible place for her to sell seashells...

 

[AG31]

Maybe you have to be a member of our household. I hope this translates.

Background: We've been plagued by fruit flies in the kitchen this summer. Can't locate the source.
I play the flute.

Hubby: What happens when you put your instrument on the hot stove?
Me: I don't know. What happens when I put my instrument on the hot stove?
Hubby: You get flute fries.

Makes me LOL over and over.