More Humour

[Trionyx]

My sister was with two men in one night…she could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners? That’s a lot of food.

Sarah Silverman

 

[Trionyx]

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then boo.

Phyllis Diller

 

[Trionyx]

I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

 

[Trionyx]

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: 'You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation.' Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

Robert Schimmel

 

[Trionyx]

If you can see the handwriting on the wall…you're on the toilet.

Redd Foxx

 

[MediocreAuthor]

"Small tits are like a desert. There's nothing there, but it's still hot."

Some guy online said this, and it made me chuckle.

 

[Foxed]

“Yes, a lot of people think that. Especially stupid people.’

Alina Kabaeva, a character in Onia Fox’s hilarious comedy parody Ras Putin - Prince of Russia (available on Amazon)

 

[OralAllOver]

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.”

 

[Candy_Kane54]

The irate woman stormed into the clubhouse and confronted the club's golf pro. "You need to do something about the bees. I got stung and it hurts like hell."

The golf pro looked at her thoughtfully and asked, "Where, exactly did you get stung?"

"Between the first and second holes!" she exclaimed.

"Ah," the golf pro said, "You're stance is too wide."

 

[TheLobster]

This. This whole video.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

The creepy, unearthly specter: "Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

My dumbass: "It tolls for the...? The what?"

 

[JTass]

Robert Jones is standing in line at the grocery store when he notices a gorgeous blonde staring at him with a puzzled expression on her face. She abruptly snaps her fingers and smiles as she apparently recognizes him, then walks over with a big grin on her face.

"Excuse me, you're Bob, right? I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Bob's mind flashes back to the last time he had sex with someone other than his wife. "Oh my God! Are you that stripper from Roger's bachelor party that screwed me on the pool table while your friends cheered us on and flogged us with celery sticks from the bar?"

The blonde's smile is replaced by a look of disconcerted embarrassment. "I, um, no. I'm your son's English teacher."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!

The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!

All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she's going to have puppies!!!!!

 

[Smuttyandfun]

As I quickly slid my pointer finger slowly inside her damp hole, I could immediately feel her getting wetter and wetter. I then took my finger out and I could immediately see that she was going down on me.

I then said to myself "I think that I really need to save up and buy a new boat."

 

[JTass]

 

[JTass]

"My only objection to porn is that it gives the youth of today an unrealistic concept of how long it takes for a plumber to come to your house."

 

[JTass]

 

[JTass]

 

[JTass]

A blonde and a brunette are casually chatting on the phone, when the brunette says, "Crap! My boyfriend just showed up with a dozen roses. Now I'm going to have to spend all weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde responds, "Don't you have a vase?"

 

[JTass]

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Trying to overcome writer’s block, an author rents an isolated cabin in the Yukon, miles and miles from the nearest anything. He’s lonely, but after a few months his novel begins to take shape.

One afternoon, he hears a truck door slam. He looks out the door and sees an enormous man, a cross between Lurch and Hagrid - although not so photogenic - walking down to the cabin.

The big man introduces himself, saying, “I’d heard there was somebody living here again. I’m your nearest neighbour, ‘bout forty miles north of here. I thought I’d let you know that I’m havin’ a party tomorrow night and you’re invited.”

The writer proffers his thanks, at which the big man nods, turns and headed back to his truck. After a couple of steps, he turns.

“I oughta tell you, there’s probably going to be some hard drinkin’.”

“That’s okay,” he replies. “I like the odd drink myself.”

The visitors nods, heads to his vehicle, but again stops.

“Might be some crazy drugs, too.”

“Well,” the writer replies, “not for me, but I won’t judge.”

“Okay.” Two more steps and again the visitor spoke.

“Mighty be some fightin’.”

“Well, I try not to start things, but I guess I can handle myself if something starts.”

“Okay. Might be some kinky sex, too.”

“Well, I’ve been here for months now. That actually sounds pretty good.”

The man gets into his truck. As he is about to start off, the writers holds up one hand.

“I forgot to ask. What’s the dress?”

The big fellow smiles a crooked smile as he puts the truck in gear and starts to drive off.

“Don’t hardly matter none. It’s jest gonna be the two of us.”

 

[JTass]

(Note - If you tell this joke verbally, you need to be able to manage a credible Irish brogue)

A group of local lads are down at the pub for a pint, when an older gent walks in. He walks up to one of the young bucks, pokes him in the chest and says, "Oi, laddie - I just fucked yer mam."

The crowd gets hushed and backs up a bit to give room for an expected fight, but the younger man just winces and ignores the comment.

The older gent pokes the lad in the chest again and gleefully says. "Oi, laddie - I fucked yer mam, and she wailed like a bloody banshee!"

The younger man sighs and says, "Da, go home, you're bloody well pissed."

 

[JTass]

Nobody blinks an eye if you say "Have a good day", but try saying "Enjoy the next 24 hours," and people look at you funny and discreetly back away from you.

 

[imusis]

A Brit walked into the local cathedral and said to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector, astonished, replied. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Are you deaf?” the man shouted back, “I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building,” the rector told him.

“Okay, twatface, I want to speak to someone else,” the man replied.

The rector went into the bishop’s study to inform him of the situation. Then he and the bishop returned to the man in the bishop, said, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no problem,” the man said, “I just won five million fucking quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money.”

“I see,” said the Bishop evenly. “And this c**t is giving you a hard time?”

 

[AG31]

True story from hubby's youth, heard for the first time after 58 years of marriage.

Hubby went to buy his first jock strap at a local drugstore. They were kept behind the pharmacy counter.

Hubby: I'd like an athletic supporter.

Pharmacist: What size? Small, medium or large?

Four or five seconds's silence.

Pharmacist: That's waist size.