More "Experiment", post feedback

[dr_mabeuse]

A week or two ago I asked for feedback on Parts 1 &2 of my serilized story "The Experiment" and you were most helpful.

I took those suggestions to heart and revised Part 3, which has now been published:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70127

And would appreciate feedback on this as well.

I think that the main problem--the exyt\tended lead-in before the action begins--is still there, although I did excice a lot of text to get it into its present form. It just so happens that this is the place where I decided to put all my backstory, so the exposition was kind of unavoidable.

I hope that her motiovations are less unbelievable in this part, even though her actions are more extreme. I'd like to know what you think.

---dr.M.

 

[Route66Girl]

Very nice work, Dr. M.

I read this installation as well as the first two, and really like the series so far. Zoe is an interesting character, and after the melancholy, almost haunting ending to part 3, I'm really looking forward to seeing her get some happiness.

Having checked out the thread for Parts 1&2, I see that others have already commented on your ability to get us into her head. The feelings and thoughts of vulnerability, succumbing to sensuality, the reluctance to feel bought... it's all extremely well-put, as is the dialogue.

I can't remember at the moment who said it (sorry ), but someone said they thought there was too much lead-in and formal dialogue at the beginning of the series. Can't say I agree. I was hooked, and found myself consciously appreciating the fact that you were taking the time to really set the scene.

I understand your dilemma with putting all the backstory at the beginning of part 3. It's important that we understand more about her motivations at this point, but paragraph after paragraph without events or dialogue is, as you know, sometimes hard to get through. Unlike the beginning of part 1, I found myself skimming a bit here, and had to force myself to re-read it.

So, in attempting to make the story behind her motivation engaging without using flashbacks, you almost have to create a new plot point, or character for her to talk to. You've already laid out her background for us, but I did pick up on something in part 3 that may be useful to exploit if there's anything more about her you have planned to expose along those lines. The Doctor made reference to having spoken with those who knew Zoe. That could potentially make her quite curious as to who he talked to and what they might have said, especially since she's left so many two-faced friends behind. Perhaps, in the course of a little investigation of her own, talking to people she knows, more about her could be exposed. Maybe even a tantalizing hint or two about the mysterious Dr. M

Just a random idea, in any case... I'm not even sure you want to take the story out of the Doctor's "office." But, there it is.

Other than that, I have no real suggestions. It was sensuous, unpredictable, emotional in all the right places... just beautiful. Lovely job. I'm really looking forward to more. Two 5 votes from this happy gal.

 

[PaulX35]

Yes!

Dr M,

Another captivating chapter to follow, my compliments. You managed to recreate this alienating atmosphere once again, with new ingredients as well as valuable and well written background on the main character, merging these two into a sizzling and compelling final. Downright straight 5 work!

This is also a story written well enough to not be disturbed by relative lack of direct speech. You didn't have much opportunity here to add it in, and you managed to sail around the cliffs of less excitement with great skill.

I'm really curious meanwhile to find out more about what is in this doctor's mind! And with this chapter you have also added curiosity for the "therapeutic" effect of this on Zoe.

Keep going, my man!

 

[sirhugs]

I agree with earlier comments that it is a nicely written compelling story of a genre we need more of. I also agree with telling the back story.

I think the readability would improve if you reduce the description. In places, it gets redundant. Some examples:



a dimly remembered but disturbing dream
ok, this is a nit pick, a bad start, but it is because of the somewhat repetitive images that follow(shameful yet tinged with a strange sort of perverse pride ; a state of distraction that you should tighten up.

she'd been manipulated into doing what she'd done, and that she was not therefore entirely responsible for her behavior.

are you saying the same thing twice here?

The only way she could explain it to herself was that it hadn't really been her.

or three times?

a lingering thrill at what she'd done

is this like the perverse pride above?

She was pleased to discover that she could still surprise herself with her own behavior, that there might still be sides to her and potentials that she didn't yet know.

and twice again, also repeating the theme of pride a third and fourth time?

since Jack had left she had changed totally.

She was no longer the person he had molded her into being

more repetition

After he left she had to take a long look at her attitudes towards everything-

and a third on this theme
a terrible, desperate, and despairing time

do you really need three adjectives?

his toy, his trophy,

I would ignore this, as useful reition for emphasis, but for the pattern

She had always been attractive, beautiful when she wanted to be,

ditto

It seemed to her that her looks had always served her badly; had always led to her getting involved with the wrong type of people, people who put a great value on physical appearance and nothing else, and so the hell with them.

again, similar comments repeating

her appearance was just another thing that she had no interest in anymore .....She didn't disguise her beauty, she just ignored it. Really, she didn't care. ...She looked back on the girl she had been with the perfect makeup, the exquisite body, the expensive clothes, and all she could think was: fool.
ditto

then, once the action starts, it flows more smoothly.

As I said, these quibbles are not here to pick on you, just to help you sharpen your focus next time.

 

[English Lady]

I hve to say I LOVED this particular chapter of this story and I do not think it could be improved. I love your decadent use of descriptive words and phrases, as others have commented I feel drawn in and I literally can see myself in this story. You need the back info and I think it is good that it is slightly into the story, so you feel like you are getting to know Zoe like someone you would meet in real life. You don't know a person's history the very first time you meet do you?


Well if you can stand any more praise let me just say

thank you.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Thanks for the Feedback

Thanks you all very much for the feedback and encouragement. The feedback was perceptive and helpful and of course the encouragement is always appreciated.

Sirhugs and Route66, I think what you've seen is the result of overworking the beginning of the story. I must have rewrote those paragraphs and cut and pasted too many times, and the result was I kept passages I liked, even though they were repetitive and maybe superfluous. I do use repetition to emphasize certain things, but three times is too much. And now that you've called my attention to it, maybe i can control that better.

I'm rewriting Chapter 4, and hope that this time I won't woverdo it.

Thanks again.


---dr.M.

 

[sirhugs]

some expert wiser than I once said, and I plagarize" words are the writer's children. In order to be a great writer, one must learn that you must kill some ruthlessly for the others to grow." or something like that.

I've also seen it compared to pruning a tree or thinning a garden.