More divorce help

[penguindance]

 

[Trail48]

I know, I know, you guys are probably sick and tired of hearing about this lately. But I am seriously wondering how I could have ended up marrying such as asshole! Here's the latest...help!

Today at lunch we were having a civil conversation, I thought, and all of a sudden he decides to start getting nasty again. He wants to know how I am going to make the house payment if he leaves. I told him I'd handle it, not to worry.
He pushes it, says I must have a plan and he wants to know what it is.
I said that for starters I am going to ask for a raise (it's been 14 months, I'd say I'm due), and that on the weekends when he has the kids, I will probably get a part time job.
He starts flipping out, says there is NO WAY he is taking the kids every other weekend.
I was like, what? How could he not do that?
The asshole is SO concerned that all I want to do is "whore around" -- that it's the reason for me wanting a divorce -- that he is willing to completely cut off our kids from seeing him at all in order to hurt me by leaving them with me all the time.
He says in six months I'll be begging him to come back, just so that I can go out and get drunk and laid.
For starters, like I'm that fucking kind of person. What ever! Aside from that there is the fact that he says "You're the one who wants this, not me."
So he's trying to turn it around to me saying that he and the kids can never see each other. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

When you reach the point of getting a lawyer, lots of these questions will be answered. The laws of your state address many of them, and he will be paying you child support and probably alimony too for at least a while.

You cannot make him see his kids, and while I do not understand why a Dad would not want to see his kids, it will be his loss. I have sacrificed a great deal so i could be with my kids. The payoff comes later in life.

Be good to yourself, this will be more difficult than you can possibly imagine now.

 

[penguindance]

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[bad kitty]

I will say this however. Make sure you have his support drawn from his check. I didnt at first and he [aid only when he felt like it. Make sure you include babysitting in your expenses.

Also, make sure you get at least one, you can add in your decree if he doesnt pay support, he loses his exemption. Then you get the exemption.

Do you mean tax exemption?

 

[penguindance]

 

[Guest]

 

[The Heretic]

Also, make sure you get at least one, you can add in your decree if he doesnt pay support, he loses his exemption. Then you get the exemption.

Actually, the custodial parent usually gets the deduction unless the non-custodial parent is paying for more than 50% of the child's total upkeep/expenses. I paid for more than that, but I still gave the deduction to my ex as it wasn't worth fighting over or trying to deal with the IRS and jumping over their hurdles.

Also, make sure he pays 75% of all muninsured medical. It seems like a lot, Usually the lawyers decide on 50%, BUT include he pay 50% of all medicines, dr visits, and even small things as tylenol.

By mutual agreement, I paid for all of my daughter's medical expenses and all of her school expenses (she went to a private school). Also, in Oregon, basic expenses are calculated such that if I made $6000 per month, and my ex made $2000 per month, then I would pay 75% of the child's expenses because I made 75% of the total income between the two parents. I don't know about other states, but I believe this is fair.

Of course my ex got the good end of the deal, and regularly screwed me over by borrowing money and not paying it back, and by spending money I gave her for my daughter on herself, but I let her get away with it because my daughter was in a better place with her - as far as I knew anyway.

 

[The Heretic]

PLS, is it too late to suggest you and your husband get counseling to keep your marriage together?

 

[bad kitty]

Rooster got totally fucked. She left himwith over $40k in bills and only took $2k herself, we pay more in shild support for my stepson then we spend on our 2 kids. She got the tax deduc. too. Because of her we do without ALOT. OK, I'm gonna go smoke now

 

[Dr. B Evil]

Sigh...lawyers are expensive. Lawyers want retainers.

Even if you file Pro Se, one of you will need a lawyer to properly write the declaration. No court judge in this country will accept a Pro Se judgement written by a layman.


You can do it cheaply, but if he's uncooperative at this juncture, you WILL need a lawyer.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[The Heretic]

Even if you file Pro Se, one of you will need a lawyer to properly write the declaration. No court judge in this country will accept a Pro Se judgement written by a layman.

With all due respect, bullshit! The judge in Oregon accepted mine and in Oregon thousands of lay people write and submit their own dissolution agreements. I suspect a number of other states allow it too. If the dissolution is fairly straight forward and cooperative, and the person who writes the agreement does their research, then it just isn't all that hard. I even had custody and support payment issues to deal with in the agreement - and I lived in Washington while my daughter and ex lived in Oregon. I bought a used book in Powells about how to do my own divorce, my ex and I sat down and hashed out what we wanted, I wrote it up, we both signed it, and I submitted it to the court via the court clerk's office, paid the fee, and some months later (six I think), the dissolution was final. No problemo.

 

[Guest]

 

[penguindance]

 

[The Heretic]

I was told its standard to split the deducxtions. If 2 kids, they each get one, if three kids, the custoldial parent gets 2, non gets 1

That could be - I only have one child and you can't split a one deduction that way, except maybe to have one parent take it one year and another the next. When I read the IRS regs/etc., the inferrence (nothing is ever explicit in IRS rules) was that the deduction went to the parent who had custody unless the non-custodial parent could show proof of paying some greater percentage of expenses, and even then it was a hassle. I didn't want to screw with the IRS so I just chose the simplest way out.

I was told the medical is 50-50. Its very hard to fight, even thought i only have to pay 25%, he has been refusing to pay them, and I end up paying 100%. He doesnt care about his credit and just ignores them, well they quit wanting to treat the kids, so I had to pay it.

In short, your ex is an asshole.

 

[Guest]

 

[bknight2602]

The plan was actually to not get lawyers, we were supposed to work the details out ourselves. The more we talk the more I think that's not possible.

That sounded like a good plan, but it seems that you need to re-think and maybe get some legal help and get the hastles over!

 

[Guest]

 

[Lancecastor]

I sounds to me like your husband could be hurt and angry about a divorce, something that hasn't been said yet in this thread.

This would account for his silly behavior about visitations...that is, the obstructionism might be because he doesn't want to lose you as opposed to his not wanting to see the children.

So, when heretic asked you about counselling, that was a wise question to ask I think. Obviously the reasons behind the end of your marriage are none of my business, so I don't expect or want an answer to the counselling suggestion. It's a habit, I say it to anyone in marital conflict.

I have observed that the process of splitting up often creates misconceptions about the motivations of the other.

So... keep in mind that the guy who married you might still be living behind the face of that lunatic you are here talking about.

Cheers;

Lance

 

[The Heretic]

They sell divorice handbooks. I suggest buying one. It can help alot. It cost me about 19.00 It mentioned a few things I didnt know. they are state specific.

I believe I got the one from Nolo Press, but it was about how to do it myself, I don't know if they do one about divorces in general. Either way, I agree, get a good guidebook, and if your soon to be ex is uncooperative then get a lawyer.

My ex and I separated for some years before we got a divorce, and that worked out well because she got over her anger before we got the divorce, so there was no retribution there to contend with.

EE, I wasn't saying that PLS shouldn't get a lawyer, just disputing an assertion that judges won't take dissolution agreements written by lay people - which I know is bullshit.

 

[The Heretic]

So... keep in mind that the guy who married you might still be living behind the face of that lunatic you are here talking about.

Excellent advice, and I would add, as I think Lance was inferring, that even if you two go ahead with a divorce, it is probably worthwhile to get counseling anyway so that you goth understand what the issues are. That may alleviate the tension and ill feelings, and it may help you in the future prevent this from happening again with a different partner.

I wish I had accepted my ex's suggestion of counseling, even if it still turned out the same way with a separation and then divorce.

 

[Monazwx]

Pretty LS, the first thing that came to my mind after reading this was the same as Lancecastor.
Your hubby's hurt and that's making him talk out of his ass.

Please let counselling be the first step, then divorce proceedings, if it comes to that. Either way, hopefully the counselling will make things less acrimonious between you two. Right now, the situation is very tense and will only get worse. It's sad that he's using the kids to get back at you so early in the separation, at all actually, but it happens.

Hope everything works out.