I am lost again. Searching through the forest. My bare feet falling on the moss and needle strewn carpet. Walking past fallen, decrepit logs which used to be pieces of what I wanted. I don’t even know what I’m looking for anymore, I just keep taking steps. Moving myself forward. Trying to find what I think I need and want. Light shines through the canopy and I think that maybe this is it: I can be happy here for a little while. I get comfortable in the glade. I wiggle my feet in and feel the earth between my toes. It’s then that the earth falls out from underneath me.
Why do I try anymore? Why do I always seem to feel so lost. Valid points are brought up. We’ll never be more. We can never be more. Outside of his bed we’re such opposites. I’m not really happy, am I? I smile. I keep smiling through it because I know in the end we will never work: he has a closet of perfectly folded, crisp white linens, I wear mismatched socks. He pulls me into the bedroom a last time, pushes me onto the bed and kisses me passionately, deeply, tongue exploring... we’ll try again. A third time. New rules. New limits. I’m so unsure right now. So lost. I was keyed and then it was revoked and that’s okay, but the shirt too? Harmless to want to feel comfort, right? Right. Not harmless. I feel harmed walking through these woods alone. Do I or don’t I? Will I or won’t I? Should I? I’ll wait. Give him time. How much can I give before I can make it about me again? I’ve done nothing wrong, it’s always been his nature. So ironic that nature is where I’m comfortable, truly grounded. Where I can take a deep breath and feel my lungs expand. I’ll be here, in the forest of my mind, where I can cry in peace.
We are all lost souls looking for our peace, trying to find that crazy to complement our own personal inner crazy our time here is short but seems like forever when we search for happiness I look around looking for happiness I play a game looking for smiling people where have they all gone nature is beautiful you are beautiful here is beautiful.... please