monogamy-why?

[ReadyOne]

I assume here that monogamy means sexual exclusivity.

If you expand it to emotional exclusivity, answers change.

I've been berated by my then current partners for have good friends that I could share things with which I would not share with the partner. They accused me of being unfaithful. though there was zero sex involved.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[shelleb4]

I voted 'i made an agreement, and im sticking with it' but what i mean is, its a value that is imposed upon me. My head thinks its a very good idea in LTR, but my body doesnt think so at times.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Actually - of all the fidelity threads I've read this one is the most sane. Usually someone gets on and starts cursing and shouting and throwing things.

I still believe if you love yourself enough and depend on yourself enough to get by in life then monogamy turns in to monotony!
When women NEEDED a man just to get by - just for the security and protection monogamy was a great idea. But those days are gone. Choosing monogmy is fine for many many people - but its not the ONLY way.

 

[Noor]

Speaking of monogomy... my relationship of over a year just ended... Like right now. Why the hell does it hurt so bad every time. Like the world is crashing down around you and you cant breath.

You'd think you could prepare yourself for the pain, and heartache, but it is so fresh and unbearable each time. Aching loss.

It just always does, I guess. A man I know in his 70's asked the same thing recently, he said he had hoped that only "kids" felt that way. A broken heart is a broken heart and part of the price of loving someone, it seems.

 

[intrigued]

Speaking of monogomy... my relationship of over a year just ended... Like right now. Why the hell does it hurt so bad every time. Like the world is crashing down around you and you cant breath.

You'd think you could prepare yourself for the pain, and heartache, but it is so fresh and unbearable each time. Aching loss.

Chrome, I'm so sorry. It's a very different kind of hurt that seems to take the ground from beneath your feet, and stomps all over you at the same time, but you WILL get through it. Even though it's an ending, it's a beginning, too. You're nowhere near ready for that, but with each new day, you'll take a baby step into your future. You will survive this, even though you may feel like you don't want to right now. But whatever you do, don't beat yourself up and blame yourself, or feel that you just weren't good enough. Don't dare go down that road.


You're in my thoughts.

 

[sxylegs]

[quote from CUTIEMOUSE
I don't understand why I should expect DH to appreciate art the way I do, or I live music the way he does. Why can I not have a friend and confidant other than him? Do I deny myself friendship and connections because of a ring? Do I close myself off to friendship because it *might* someday become more than a friendship? We can't honestly help who we connect with on a deep level. connections are connections. I never in my life thought I'd have a female best friend as an occasional lover. But the connection is there. Do I loose my dearest friend once I recognize that connection or do I embrace it with integrity?

At this point in my life monogomy doesn't fit. It might fit again someday. i have no clue. But for now it doens't fit me. And it doesn't fit my husband either. It doens't make us wrong or bad or whatever. It just means we define commitment differently than some people do. [/B][/QUOTE]
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I have a few best friends that are male that I share things with that my boyfriend doesnt like. and my boyfriend doesnt mind me staying up all night discussing or going to things with them.....I understand that. But why would that have to lead to sex?
Just an observation. Cheating hurts. I have not had a relationship with any guy till now where the guy didnt cheat. and it really kills the self esteem. Hurts bad. I would hate to inflict that type of pain on any body else.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Noor]

I think we all agree that cheating is a bad thing to do.

If you have no agreement to be exclusive, and/or even have one that recognizing the non exclusivity of the relationship then having a close initimate relationship with another person that includes sex, is NOT cheating.

sxylegs-I am sorry to hear your previous guys cheated on you, they were not worthy of you.

 

[sxylegs]

I think we all agree that cheating is a bad thing to do.

If you have no agreement to be exclusive, and/or even have one that recognizing the non exclusivity of the relationship then having a close initimate relationship with another person that includes sex, is NOT cheating.

sxylegs-I am sorry to hear your previous guys cheated on you, they were not worthy of you.

Thanks so much NOOR.......I appreciate the sentiment.....I always thought I was lacking.....then I realized that it was them that was lacking. What a rewarding day that was.....

Hope everybody has a great weekend!!!!

 

[zhukov1943]

Don't feel like you're the only one, Noor. I get the feeling that a lot of girls get "cheated" on.

My friends think I'm a relic and a freak because I've never "cheated" on any of my girlfriends, in fact.

To them, cheating is the most natural thing in the world...

The strange thing is, it actually seemed to increase their girlfriends' attraction to them - like all of a sudden, they had a hot commodity that everyone wanted...

(shakes head)

 

[Noor]

Don't feel like you're the only one, Noor. I get the feeling that a lot of girls get "cheated" on.

My friends think I'm a relic and a freak because I've never "cheated" on any of my girlfriends, in fact.

To them, cheating is the most natural thing in the world...

The strange thing is, it actually seemed to increase their girlfriends' attraction to them - like all of a sudden, they had a hot commodity that everyone wanted...

(shakes head)

it wasn't me who got cheated on. I have never cheated or been cheated on, I have been hurt by somethings that nvolve sex but nothing to do with monogamy or non.

I know many women who think men cheating is the norm, its kind of sad.

 

[fallon2]

The French . . .

The French have the right attitude regarding relationships . . . The husbands have mistresses and the wives have lovers. All the people in the relationship respect what the other can give the spouse that they cannot.
I love my wife. However, she cannot fulfill the desires that I crave and must have in order to function and not be repressed emotionally and physically.
I have met some very special women who run the age gamut here at Lit. I have ALWAYS made it my own personal policy that I would never hurt their marriage and I have kept that promise every time. Several of them are extremely intelligent and understand their cravings as well as my own.
I believe that monogamy, in practice, is a good concept but in reality it can certainly suck!

 

[cjbj]

bigomy

Oscar Wilde once said " bigomy is having one wife too many. Monogomy is much the same."

 

[pw27]

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I picked found the one not interested in others. Hubs and I have talked about adding a 3rd person in the bedroom, don't think either of us would have a problem. Monogomy or nonmonogamy depends on the person(s) involved in the relationship.

 

[Noor]

Monogomy or nonmonogamy depends on the person(s) involved in the relationship.

Maybe this is true for me, I don't really don't know. I had rarely felt monogamous in the past.

 

[ademu2]

I'm young and as such, don't really give an honest fuck anymore. I was uber monogamus for a long time.
Then that relationship falterd. I drove her away. I was heart broken... then I revealuated things.

I had never really done the party thing in high school, so, I figured "What better time than now?"

Which, lead me to having two girl friends at the same time... that was a quick fling, really. One in one city, the other in another.

I was kinda' hoping they would find out during our relationships... because I kinda' wanted to hurt others the way I had been hurt. Bitter young man am I.
And while I know that's a terrible thought, I'm still not sure if I care.
But yeah, I am starting to feel lonely... thinking of finding a REAL girlfriend again...

What I do know is that... love, atleast half the definition... in my terms is: trusting someone and giving your mind and body to them.

I know that if someone said they loved me, and then went behind my back... I would be suicidal... I can only assume if the roles were reversed, the other person would feel the same... in a LOVE relationship that is.

 

[Noor]

What I do know is that... love, atleast half the definition... in my terms is: trusting someone and giving your mind and body to them.

I know that if someone said they loved me, and then went behind my back... I would be suicidal... I can only assume if the roles were reversed, the other person would feel the same... in a LOVE relationship that is.

Well yes, but if you are openly not monogamous with them, then you are not going behind there back. It is possible, at least for me, to love more than one person at a time.

 

[SlickTony]

I did not vote, because there is no "monogamy is safer than promiscuity" choice.

I figured the nearest to that was that monogamy is easier. I was involved in an adulterous relationship a long time ago, and while it had its thrills and seemed necessary to me at the time, it also afford me much anxiety and fear. (I avoid the more extreme roller coasters at Wild Adventures, too).

Also, I would not like it if I found that my husband was involved with someone else. so I do as I would be done by.

That's not to say that I've never been tempted, that I never look, that I don't wonder what's on the other side of the fence. Hey, I'm not dead and I'm not blind.

 

[BTK51]

I too voted for “made an agreement and am sticking to it” before reading that I could have picked multiples. In fact with exception of "social pressure" & "I am not monogamous" I would say that all the others apply to me. The seriousness with which I take my vow is what keeps me faithful.

As others find monogamy to lead to monotony, I believe that non-monogamy makes it next to impossible to build the best relationship that two people potentially could. Every facet of a relationship needs a tremendous amount of effort in order to work and sexual intimacy is one of them. In our relationship it is one of the more important ones. Maybe I’m just lucky that we meet each other’s needs in this area. I think that we communicate well (usually) on most levels and to be sexually intimate with someone else would definitely have a negative affect on our relationship as a whole even with permission.

 

[ReadyOne]

Be monogamous first, then branch out.

 

[Noor]

Be monogamous first, then branch out.

Why?

Since I started out non monogamous that would be kind of hard.

Don't people naturally start out that way anyhow? Date around before settling on one?

 

[Jezebelle1458]

i was once...but,he wasn't.

 

[RestrainedRage]

Interesting thread, Noor. BTW--I'm RestrainedRage (RR for short).

I will note that partners change.

RR

 

[mystic_maiden32]

IMHO humans weren't built to be monogamous.