monogamy-why?

[sheath]

Well it sounds like your experiment was with a definitely wrong person, I suspect with someone else you might have had a better experience.

I don't really see monogamy as inherently non-satisfying, just not for me at this point. Splitting loyalities is never a good thing, involvement should feel free like you love your children, each differently but not at the expense of the other.

I truly hope you have found the one this time, he sounds like a good one.

I think if the jealousy problem hadn't cropped up, that aspect of things would have been fine. Of course, the man himself turned out to be...umm...spineless? So he wasn't the right man on many, many levels.

I do believe it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. I'm not sure that it is possible to love them both with the same intensity, however. I have children, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that the way I love my children is in a completely different ballpark from the way I could love anyone else. Being a parent is quite different than being a lover, obviously...and the emotions are just as different. I don't think comparing 'mother love' to 'romantic love' is a fair standard.

S.

 

[Noor]

Being a parent is quite different than being a lover, obviously...and the emotions are just as different. I don't think comparing 'mother love' to 'romantic love' is a fair standard.

S.

I would agree in the first blush of love but in the long run, throughout the years perhaps it is not very different.
I mainly brought that up to say that if people are capable of loving their children individually with a love as strong as that of a parent, that they should be able to love more than one person as well, though I realize in general that love will not be as strong and may not be as long lasting as one loves a child.

However, I think over the long run, love is love, regardless. In romance society puts some many artifical trappings on it but they don't endure to the same extent through the reality of life.

 

[SweetErika]

I chose "made an agreement" and "I'm not monogamous", but I'm not sure if they are an accurate representation of the situation. I would never cheat on my husband because I made an agreement not to, and that's something I take very seriously. I also would not have sex with another man because (even with my husband's consent) I believe that would be cheating, and it just wouldn't feel right to me.
However, if the definition of monogamy is "The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time," I can't say I am or will be monogamous. With my husband's full support and encouragement, I will likely continue to play with women. Neither of us feels like that is breaking our vows or cheating because it only enhances our happiness and relationship and I will always be fiercly loyal to my husband and our marriage.

Great question, Noor! It's certainly never one I thought I'd answer "not monogamous" to!

 

[Weird Harold]

Serial Monogamy as Safe Sex

Serial monogamy seems like an artifical construct to me, I watch one of my friends be madly in love and totally monogamous to a guy for a while, then he is completely out of the picture and there is someone new.

I think you're equating "monogamy" with "a lifetime commitment" and that's why "serial monogamy" seems artificial. "Serial Monogamy" is simply an exclusive commitment to the relationship of the moment.

I did not vote, because there is no "monogamy is safer than promiscuity" choice.

To my mind, the only reason to remain monogamous is the risk of STDs and/or unwanted pregnancy. i.e. keeping sexual contacts in a "closed loop" where your partner(s) is known to be disease free and protected.

A "closed loop" polygamous relationship works just as well for safe sex purposes, but I, personally, have a tendency to "fixate" or "obsess" over relationships -- one at a time is all I can deal with, so I'm a "serial monogamist" by nature.

 

[Noor]

Re: Serial Monogamy as Safe Sex

I did not vote, because there is no "monogamy is safer than promiscuity" choice.

I didn't put that as a answer because it never occurred to me that being non monogamous equated being promiscuity. Interesting.

To my mind, the only reason to remain monogamous is the risk of STDs and/or unwanted pregnancy. i.e. keeping sexual contacts in a "closed loop" where your partner(s) is known to be disease free and protected.

Yes, but when aids can lie dormant for 10 yrs, and an aids test is only good for what happened 6 months ago... I doubt many relationships go without sex with anyone for the 6 months its takes to find out if you have aids. Also since the numbers of people who cheat are so high, one can not assume that most serial monogamous relationships are immune to the prospect of STDS. I always use condoms and always have.

A "closed loop" polygamous relationship works just as well for safe sex purposes, but I, personally, have a tendency to "fixate" or "obsess" over relationships -- one at a time is all I can deal with, so I'm a "serial monogamist" by nature.

During high school I was basically in a "closed loop" polygamous relationship which was very safe in many ways, it was not intentional on any of our parts, just turned out that way. Fixate and obsession makes perfect sense to me. It is not my way by nature but it does happen sometimes. and I suppose if it happened and I was in a long term relationship with that person I could, maybe even would, be monogamous.

 

[ReadyOne]

There are AIDS tests that are good a few days after exposure; I think they are the viral load type as opposed to antibody response.

Pink Orchard could probably give details off the top of her head; I can ask my SO (who works with anti-body testing) to look up the exact name.

In fact, shortly after we got together she had to talk to a comercial lab technical rep to identify the test she wanted, then educate the doctor into ordering it for us.

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Re: Serial Monogamy as Safe Sex

I didn't put that as an answer because it never occurred to me that being non monogamous equated being promiscuity. Interesting.

They aren't exactly opposites, but monogamy does exclude promiscuity by it's very nature.

Yes, but when aids can lie dormant for 10 yrs, and an aids test is only good for what happened 6 months ago... I doubt many relationships go without sex with anyone for the 6 months its takes to find out if you have aids.

True, the incubation and dormant times for AIDS/HIV and some other STDs does somewhat negate the benefits of monogamy over a short term relationship. However, over a longer term relationship -- say a year or more -- it at least limits the list of suspects if you DO contract an STD.

Also since the numbers of people who cheat are so high, one can not assume that most serial monogamous relationships are immune to the prospect of STDS. I always use condoms and always have.

If either partner is cheating, the relationship is NOT monogamous!

I doubt that dating someone exclusively for a week or a month and then moving on to another "exclusive" relationship can really be considered "serial monogamy." Since "monogamy" technically applies to "marriage," it pretty much implies a long-term commitment to an exclusive relationship. I'm not sure that I would even apply the term "relationship" to any pairing that lasts less than a year.

I suppose that "monamory" is closer to what you're asking about -- being in "love" with a single person -- as opposed to polyamory; being in Love with and/or commited to multiple people.

 

[intrigued]

After reading all the replies here, some of which were very eloquently stated, I don't even know where to start, but I'll give it a try.

Ofcourse the world is a very big place and ofcourse others will catch our eye and cause us to feel serious lust for them. I'm feeling some serious lust for a certain six stringer at the moment so find me guilty and lock me up.
While I could very well have sex with a number of people at once, I would find no true satisfaction in it because I cannot be emotionally intimate with more than one man. I need that circle and I need it to go unbroken, in order to truly give myself to another, or receive another, for that matter. I seek a true connection, and when I find it, it is something too beautiful for words. Anything less is just fucking and though I couldn't get the same satisfaction masturbating nine different ways to Sunday as I would actually fucking someone I feel lust for---at the end of the day, it'd be about the same thing.

I take myself and my emotional well being, as well as my physical health, very seriously. I'm not some object to be passed around the world just so someone somewhere gets to "get off at the moment". As corny and cheesy as it sounds, what I have to give is a gift and it is precious. It encompasses all of me, I cannot possibly give it lightly.

I imagine at some point, with our society as it is and has been for as long as I've lived, we will have all fucked eachother, simply by how many people we've fucked and how many people THEY have fucked. Sounds pretty good, but it's all just a zillion orgasms being shared, and I need more.

 

[sxylegs]

But monogomy is hard. And expecting one person to meet your needs is a bit insane. And how on earth can we expect to turn off deep seated feelings for others because we are married? (a good male friend literally told me 5 minutes after I was married he'd have to stop hugging me as I now ......

I guess Im confused......If you have that kind of deep seated feelings for other guys, then why did you get married? I thought that when you got married, you only had those feelings for your SO.....I have my male friends and i can flirt and have small attractions .....but It isnt difficult to be monogamous......It is in people's head that the grass is greener on the other side and that there are so many people that they are afraid that they will miss something. I used to be like that and afraid that the grass was greener.....but guess what ...it is the same. If you find that one special person, then you give yourself over completely, and that intimacy is what should not be shared.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[intrigued]

I don't understand how these connections ever take place and get to the point of sex, if someone hadn't opened the door to it. Maybe it's called self control, honor, committment, I don't know. But it never "just happens" because of a friendship. Someone made a choice to taste that greener grass. And you know what? They'll always be greener grass. Where does it end?

 

[Noor]

Whatever was I thinking?

I guess I really should have had a "people who practice monogamy are just morally superior" option in the poll as well, but of course that wasn't the question, was it?

When I asked why people were monogamous I had hoped to get people's thoughts as why they were monogamous in a thoughtful if not intellectual manner. I did not ask how and why they felt they were morally superior to those who weren't or what their particular prejudges of non-monogamous people were.

It never fails to amaze me that people immediately assume that non-monogamous people do not have "true connections" with those they love. That they are promiscuous, and are only interested in satisfying their lust. That they treat their sexual relationships lightly, do not take their emotional, physical and sexual health seriously. That they don't consider their time, emotions, sexual interaction, intimacy and love as precious gifts that they choose to give to others. That they are not selective in their partners and do not have intimate long-term relationships that can last throughout their lives. Also that they have no self control, honor or sense of commitment.

This would be as silly as looking at people in monogamous relationships as those who have sold out for the illusion of safety and security, a date every Friday night, not having to sleep alone, and to being accepted in society.

Being non-monogamous does not mean that we live our intimate and sexual lives as a series of one-night stands. It is not about going after inappropriate lust objects such as your friend's committed lover. Nor is it about sex with as many people as you possibly can. Not being monogamous has nothing to do with the grass being greener somewhere else.

Some of these responses sound as if people are monogamous because to be otherwise would mean they are cold, heartless, totally lust drive, not caring about themselves or others.... and all these other prejudges. As if they are not so much choosing monogamy for its own sake but so they won't be one of the other.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Bandit58]

My situation is similar to SweetErika's - I am bi and will, with the full blessing of my partner, have sexual relations with other women. But other men......no, because he is the only man I ever want.

During my 23 year marriage I was monogamous, to the point of shutting that part of my sexuality firmly in the closet. After the marriage ended I got involved with a married man in a LDR, and I was faithful to him too until he ended it. After that I had a couple of friends, both male, that I saw purely for sex. Both of them knew about each other and were fine with it. I laid all my cards out on the table with both of them and if they didn't like it they could take a hike.

When I met Gil, even though he was in Australia and I was in NZ, I found that my interest in those other men declined to the point where I ended both relationships, the second one after I got back from meeting him even though Gil did say it was ok if I saw this man just to fulfil my physical needs. I found that I only wanted him.....and the other guy was very understanding. It's been 9 months since I've had sex with anyone but Gil, and we are actively looking for another female for me to explore with.

 

[intrigued]

Look, you asked why, we answered. It is impossible to answer without out explaining why.

I don't give a rats ass about what other do, not am I judging or feeling superior to anyone at all. I speak from the long, hard rough road life my life has been, and I do have that right to do so. I've had expereinces that would make the most immoral of anyone here just blush. Along the way, I got to know me, and realized feelings I had Iwere the ony feelings that worked for me.

One's way of life shouldn't be compared as to being superior or inferior, we are the products of our past and where out past led us to. But we do it all the time, and these type questions are hot buttons, how can you be surprised that some people feel differently than you, and in a very emotional way?

Sarcasm is uncalled for, we're talking integrity and honesty and feelings. I'm just some chick on the net that you asked questions of when you posted a public thread asking for our opinions. Just because I don't get your way of thinking means NOTHING. It;s not the lifestyle I live and I'll never plan on living it, and there is a damn good reason for that. You asked us about serious, heart stuff, yet get pissy when we don't respond as you'd hoped for?

So, you do your thing and I'll do mine, but give up the touchy stuff, please? We have feelings too, but whether or not someone trashes me for what I believe in means nothing to me. I have to live my life, look myself and my partner in the eyes, and I sure don't see you peeking into out lives, so what diference does it really make?

I never meant to assume that other people don't form conections or find satisafction in this lifestyle. I simply said I do not, cannot.

I can be very, very intimate with someone and never touch their body. What I do with these feelings I don't take too seriously, as I know it's the wrong thing for me, and for my SO as well. I draw lines and I stay behind them. I by no means exclude people from my life bacuse I have a man, though I do excluse them because people make me nuts. In fact, I atually attempt pretty darn hard to invite women and men into my life because it makes me feel like a more rounded person and I just dig really cool, nice and intriguing people. For me, it's a little wicked to flirt a little simply because we know it will never be, but I damn sure no when to ack off, and even do that in a fun way.

I do believe that ONE person can fulfill our needs, our most basic needs, but first we have to define them. Until we know that answer, we're just pissing in the wind. So what if you don't like the same movies and music or whaever, is that really a good reason to go out and find someone to fuck because they do like the things we do? It is really worth taking away energy from our SO, and feed it to another?

It seems we are far to dependant on others for our happiness. And ofcourse, as soon as they cease to make us happy, we go looking for the next one, hoping against hope they'll be the magical one thatw ill make everything perfect again.
maybe we can make more of these things perfect on our own, inside ourselves? Maybe then we won't be so needy and dependent, and can satisfy ourselves first, and anything another contributes to our lives becomes more like icing on the cake.

Anyway, I'm about bread dead now, I'm sorry for rambling.

 

[Noor]

I guess the difference is that I view being monogamous and non mongagmous as an intimate relationship choice. Whereas it seems that some people on this thread can only see it as a series of sexual acts.
I asked the question because I really wanted to know. If it is merely a sexual choice then that is an answer, not one that would particular draw me to consider it though.

 

[intrigued]

I think it's time to agree to disagree, and accept that we can only do what's right for ourselves. I'm not healthy, much less satisifed being in an intimate, sexual, loving relatinship with more than one man. I don't understand those that are, so i'll bow out of the convo now.

 

[cecelia]

monogamy

People do what they want to do or feel like they have to do. What works varies from person to person.

I'm in a committed monogamous relationship and have been for many years. I think some of my personal feelings about this are based on the fact that I just feel more secure and emotionally safer with a man I have trusted and cared about for so long. My needs are met by one person.

We've been through rough patches but he's still the one that I trust enough to be myself with. He's seen me sick, ugly and angry and that's okay. When our child lay at death's door, he was the only one I wanted or need comfort from and vice-versa. A large part of our intimacy is based on a history only part of which is sexual. For me, the sex is the gravy - the effect and not the cause.

Some of it may also have to do with ego. We've discussed this and agreed that we'd rather be 'just one' rather than 'one of several'.

I have friends who prefer having several intimate partners. That works for them but, right now, it wouldn't work for me. Their choices don't make them evil or stupid. My choice doesn't make me provencial or ignorant. Guess I'm just a 'one man woman'.

Ultimately, such choices are emotional, rather than intellectual, imo. As such, neither choice can be academically defended. It is what it is.

 

[Noor]

Is it always a permanent choice inherent to a certain person, or could it be relationship specific and pertain to relationships with some but not all?

 

[sheath]

Re: monogamy

Some of it may also have to do with ego. We've discussed this and agreed that we'd rather be 'just one' rather than 'one of several'.

I love this entire post, but this part struck home with me more than anything else did.

When I was experimenting with having more than one man in my life at once, I was so blessed to have a man who understood what I was exploring and, if he didn't always encourage it, he always gave his blessings.

But it took a toll on him, and on me, and the 'ego' was the reason why. What our venture proved to both of us was that we both had that strong sense of 'belonging'. Sure, we understood the appeal of more than one partner. We understood the temptations, the desires, and the need to sometimes explore outside the realm of comfort. But it all came back to that sense of having a person who understood every nuance and need, every passion and fear. ONE person.

There is something so comforting, so honest, so delightful, about that knowing: "This person is the only person I will be intimate with, this is the one person who will know me better than anyone else on earth, this is the one person I direct all my energies toward." Guilt crept in, not because I was doing anything wrong (I wasn't), but because I realized my energy wasn't going to sustain and build one relationship...my energy was split. And was that fair to either of them, and was it fair to me? For me, my personal choice, was that no...it wasn't fair.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned or bohemian or whatever label you want to use, but I believe the growth of a good relationship is directly related to how much of yourself you put into it. If I was only putting half of my energies toward one man and half toward the other, then I wasn't giving my all. That was, ultimately, one of the reasons I chose that monogamy was the only way to go for me. I am at peace with that choice.

So cecelia summed it up perfectly...the feeling of peace and serenity when you are 'the one' versus 'one of several' or even 'one of two'.

And on another note...I would really hate to see this thread disintegrate into bitching and fighting over what is right and what is not. A question like this one is going to call moral views into question...how could it not? And views are going to vary wildly. Tolerance is key here, for all sides of the issue, and I hope opinions can be taken as just that...opinions. Defensiveness, on EITHER side of the monogamy issue, is only going to close down healthy debate. Let's just enjoy what this great thread has to offer...which is, by any measure, a great deal of insight.

More of my two cents...

S.

 

[ChromeCollar]

Speaking of monogomy... my relationship of over a year just ended... Like right now. Why the hell does it hurt so bad every time. Like the world is crashing down around you and you cant breath.

You'd think you could prepare yourself for the pain, and heartache, but it is so fresh and unbearable each time. Aching loss.

 

[sheath]

Speaking of monogomy... my relationship of over a year just ended... Like right now. Why the hell does it hurt so bad every time. Like the world is crashing down around you and you cant breath.

You'd think you could prepare yourself for the pain, and heartache, but it is so fresh and unbearable each time. Aching loss.

It hurts so much because you have to learn a new way to live, each time it happens?

I'm so sorry, hon.

S.

 

[christinaNZ]

Why ruin a possible good thing just for sex?

 

[SweetErika]

I don't want to offend anyone or start a fight, but it seems like some people are confusing monogamy with loyalty to a relationship and cheating.
Cheating (engaging in a relationship without the other person's full blessing IMHO) is dead wrong in my book, but I think you can have a healthy, happy non-monogamous relationship. In many cases, going outside can actually improve the relationship if it helps the partner(s) have their needs met and is done with care, love, and constant communication. So far, it's done wonders for our communication, my happiness, and ultimately our marriage.
I also feel open non-monogamy is better suited to a long-standing and extremely stable relationship, so it's not really a matter of not getting to know a person or spreading your attention elsewhere, as long as you are committed to keeping your primary relationship healthy (or in the case of polyamory, keeping all of the relationships healthy).

 

[christinaNZ]

Yet again this is an issue where communication is the key.