monogamy-why?

[Noor]

I am 44 and have never been particularly monogamous. However, lately I have thinking about it and am wondering why people are monogamous.

You can do multiple choice I think.

and yes I know I misspelled social and intended

 

[bobsgirl]

I voted for just naturally that way, but it's really a combination of that and I made a commitment and I am keeping it.

It's definitely not easier that way. Keeping a good rewarding relationship going over the years is mindboggling work. But the payoff is someone with the same memories as you and a lifetime companion. That's in a perfect world.

In the real world you get someone who smells up the bathroom and is unavailable during football season.

 

[Noor]

In the real world you get someone who smells up the bathroom and is unavailable during football season.

So basically monogamy would do better if you had a serious exhaust fan for the bathroom and other plans during football season?

 

[bobsgirl]

So basically monogamy would do better if you had a serious exhaust fan for the bathroom and other plans during football season?

LOL

I can't imagine what it would be but I'm sure there are one or two eensie weensie faults of mine that he overlooks.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[wicked woman]

good question...I've been asking that myself lately

 

[watergirl]

I picked two

I chose "met the one for me, not interested in anyone else" and not monogamous.

There is a best friend in my life that I feel is absolutely a man I could spend my life with. But he doesn't return the feeling, even though he does care about me an awful lot as a friend.

So, I'm not seriously involved with anyone else, because my standards have gotten pretty high in comparison to him... But, I'm also a girl who needs to get laid pretty often, and I don't like to go without. I'm looking for a good fuck buddy, and not sleeping around in the meantime... but who knows?

Monogamy, I can take it or leave it.

 

[Missingmeds]

Good thread Noor. I am not monogamous and have no intentions of trying that one again...

 

[fallon2]

I agree

I agree with cutey mouse that monogamy is stupid as it is also impractical. Impractical because as we grow we sometimes outgrow people as well. The French, yes, the French have it right when the wives encourage their husbands to have mistresses.
I think that one of the reasons our society is repressed is due to the way we have been brought up to view sex.
I believe that we can bring out the "best" in other people as well as our special ones but monogamy is not necessarily the best way.

 

[SmilinAngel]

I think thats a great question ... one I'm not sure that I can really answer. I voted "don't like to share or be shared" but I think, for me, its more about the security of having someone I can always turn to and lean on and will stick by me and knowing that I will be loved unconditionally. But then, I may have been socially conditioned to think that way ... or, maybe I'm just scared of STDs ... who really knows? I think this is a nice start to a great thread!!!

 

[assister49]

I have a keen sense of loyalty, which may drive me to naturally prefer monogamy. I have always been more or less serial concerning relationships. I tried for awhile to juggle more, but I found I am better at one at a time.

My SO has experience with "open" relationships, but he knows me and respects that I need monogomy and the security it brings me.

Friends of both genders are perfectly fine, but sexual relationships more than one at a time is too hard.

 

[shele]

I picked..Don't want to share or be shared..though at the time I didn't realize that I could pick more than one..

Anyway I am one that doesn't believe monogamy is such a difficult thing..I don't view it as a burden. If I am with someone and I am serious about the relationship why wouldn't I be monogamous. I believe its that commitment to each other that makes the relationship special, its the one thing that is not done with anyone else but shared between two people. Otherwise what's the point, if you are going to share everything with other people outside of your relationship why be in one at all?

If you are looking for someone else then I believe its because you are missing something from your relationship. If you are in a good relationship and not satisfied with your sex life or any other part of it then you should be able to talk it out and be willing to work out a solution between the two of you without bringing anyone else into it.

And if you can't talk it out or still want another..maybe you are just not with the right person.

I do understand it works for some people when both agree thats the way the relationship is going to be, though I wonder in reality how many problems it actually creates..arguements, hurt feelings..though maybe your partner doesn't know and so on.

If you are not monogamous to your partner without their consent I believe it is a huge breach of trust and your partner is the one person in your life that you should be able to trust the most and not have to doubt their loyalty.

-shele

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Astrum]

I'm monogamous because I think a relationship should be something unique and special. If you have multiple partners you don't have anything special, it's just a commodity.

But monogomy is hard. And expecting one person to meet your needs is a bit insane.

The world is a really big place. Perhaps it might be more difficult to find the one that meets all of your needs, but I think it's worth it and better than piecing together the perfect relationship (collectively) from different partners.

I certainly wouldn't want to be one of several partners. I would constantly question who you loved more and if you even loved me at all. This is assuming I knew about it and we lived in a non-monogamous society. But since we do live in a monogamous society it forces a lot of people who don't believe in monogamy to basically cheat on their partners, and if you're cheating then you aren't very trustworthy.



If any of that didn't make sense then I'm sorry. I'm not completely with it right now. I'm having horrible insomnia and I haven't slept in days .

 

[ChromeCollar]

Monogomy is like that ever elusive dream for me.

I would like to find that special someone who I would be comfortable spending a lifetime with, but I simply dont think it possible. People lose interest, or outgrow eachother, or realize there was never really anything there to begin with.

The longest relationship I have ever had is the one I am in now, a little over a year. That seems to be the breaking point, where the two split and move on. I do stay faithful to my lovers when in a relationship, but I tend to have a wandering eye. I've not cheated, but the relationships never seem to last long enough for that chance to arise.

 

[Astrum]

I do stay faithful to my lovers when in a relationship, but I tend to have a wandering eye. I've not cheated, but the relationships never seem to last long enough for that chance to arise.

I'll agree with that. The longest relationship I've ever had was 3 years. I'm not proud to admit it, but I did come very close to cheating several times. Still doesn't change my beliefs though, meh.

 

[Noor]

This is all very interesting.

I see some assumptions that people make that I don't quite understand. I have never been married, but maybe monogamy within marriage would be different for me.

I have a keen sense of loyalty, which may drive me to naturally prefer monogamy. I have always been more or less serial concerning relationships. I tried for awhile to juggle more, but I found I am better at one at a time.

Interesting, my best friend uses that word "loyalty." She seems to think loyalty and sexual exclusiveness are the same thing which I don't understand at all. The minute she becomes involved at all with a guy, this loyalty kicks in, even if they have no agreement.

By a dictionary definition, A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection, feelings of allegiance, the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action*.

I am extremely loyal more so than many people I know in monogamous relationships.

I am curious how you see the relationship between loyalty and monogamy.

*www.dictionary.com

Serial monogamy seems like an artifical construct to me, I watch one of my friends be madly in love and totally monogamous to a guy for a while, then he is completely out of the picture and there is someone new.

Anyway I am one that doesn't believe monogamy is such a difficult thing..I don't view it as a burden. If I am with someone and I am serious about the relationship why wouldn't I be monogamous. I believe its that commitment to each other that makes the relationship special, its the one thing that is not done with anyone else but shared between two people. Otherwise what's the point, if you are going to share everything with other people outside of your relationship why be in one at all?

Yes, I agree that being monagomous is probably easier, it being the societal norm and all.

I am quite serious and committed about my relationships, I don't see how being nonmonogamous means I am not. The initimacy and relationship I share with one person is unique to that person but it is not dependent upon monagomy.

If you are looking for someone else then I believe its because you are missing something from your relationship. If you are in a good relationship and not satisfied with your sex life or any other part of it then you should be able to talk it out and be willing to work out a solution between the two of you without bringing anyone else into it.:

This assumes a lot, that opening myself to others is a reflection of my feelings for a specific person, that I am really inherently monagomous and only not so when there are problems. To me, each relationship is what we make of it, how the people involved in the relationship choose to define it and what behaviors are acceptable while within it.

If you are not monogamous to your partner without their consent I believe it is a huge breach of trust and your partner is the one person in your life that you should be able to trust the most and not have to doubt their loyalty.

I believe this is not a question of monogamy at all but one of being true to your word and agreements. Once again I do not understand how loyalty is connected to sexual exclusiveness, unless you have an agreement to that effect.

Thanks for posting, I am not trying to argue for the sake of argument, I am really trying to understand. Many of these things seem circular to me and based on the underlying assumption that monagamy is natural and morally right. Given the number of people who cheat (ie. break their agreements) within relationships I wonder if this assumption is correct. I see nothing wrong with people chosing to be monogamous, I was mainly wondering why. The poll results are interesting so far. I hope more people answer.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I personally think monogamy is highly overrated. And I don't understand WHY people let themselves get so hurt over infidelity. You cannot change or control another person. And why would you want to?

If your mate decides they need a fling - then hey - maybe they just need a fling. It shouldn't be the end all, be all of the world. I say - protect yourself, protect your heart, and never ever depend on another person so much you can't live without them.

 

[Noor]

I'm monogamous because I think a relationship should be something unique and special. If you have multiple partners you don't have anything special, it's just a commodity.

Every relationship to me IS something unique and special, that is why I don't understand serial monagomy. It is as if the person is trying keep the same relationship and just replace the partners.
why must there be such limitations? Most parents I know are capable of loving more than one child and I have found that many parent/child relationships are stronger and last longer than most romantic/sexual relationships.

I certainly wouldn't want to be one of several partners. I would constantly question who you loved more and if you even loved me at all. This is assuming I knew about it and we lived in a non-monogamous society. But since we do live in a monogamous society it forces a lot of people who don't believe in monogamy to basically cheat on their partners, and if you're cheating then you aren't very trustworthy.

Maybe I am cynical but being monagamous does not equate being loved or loved best. It is not something I think about. A partner's treatment of me and our relationship can be a concern but so far being loved more has not been. I totally agree people who can not keep their agreements are not trustworthy.

If any of that didn't make sense then I'm sorry. I'm not completely with it right now. I'm having horrible insomnia and I haven't slept in days .

Yes, I unfortunately know what that is like, I hope you can sleep soon and have sweet dreams.

 

[ReadyOne]

I'm pretty much in Noor's camp. My SO aligns with assister49.

I can and have loved more than one at a time. Troubles only came when either everyone didn't know what was going on, or I became too time stressed to give all the support they deserved.

Long time back I was out drinking and observed: "I'm serially monogamous, and if you don't find that true then shorting the sampling interval." That may stand as my all time great wisdom laugh getter.

 

[Kemet]

I choose "Found the One", I believe that would best describe my situation. I am totally into her, and have no interest in other romantic relationships. I however can give no real explaination other than it "feels" right with my love. However I think that like all things there is no right answer. My 2 cents (1 cent? lol)

 

[Noor]

I'll agree with that. The longest relationship I've ever had was 3 years. I'm not proud to admit it, but I did come very close to cheating several times. Still doesn't change my beliefs though, meh.

I have been in a couple long term relationships, both for about 8 yrs each, and one for 4. Lack of monogamy was not the cause in our splits. 2 of these people are still in my heart and one is still very much still in my life, although 911 has really messed up our ability to easily see each other as much as before.

There have been a couple periods of time where I have only been interested in one person, times when I was so focused I literally didn't even notice anyone else.

I have seen relationships break apart because of non sexual disloyalty, where one partner put another person above their relationship agreements, non-romantic, non sexual friends, work or even family, it puzzles me why this is considered so much less a crime.

 

[sheath]

I chose "Meet the one" and "Do not want to share or be shared".

A few months ago, I chose to briefly experiment with an open relationship. I was involved with two men at once. It is something I would not attempt again. I suppose it just went strongly against my nature...it felt wrong to be splitting my 'loyalties'. At the time, sure, it felt great...but now, in hindsight, it was a mistake.

The irony in this is that one of those men I was involved with was married...and HE was the one who harbored the jealousy in the little three-way relationship and didn't want to 'share'. Interesting, to say the least. But anyway...

Live and learn, huh?

I'm monogamous from this point on, thank you very much. I do agree that humans probably aren't hard-wired for monogamy...I can see the evidence of that in research studies and in the population in general. However, I do believe that once the 'right' person is found, monogamy can be completely satisfying.

There is a significant difference in 'need' and 'want'. I think it is okay to 'want' more than one partner, but do you really 'need' more than one partner? Like I said before...not if you find the right one, you don't. It is possible to fulfill all the needs of your partner in a relationship that is full of honest communication.

Just my two cents...

S.

 

[Noor]

I definitely agree that there is no right answer, only the right answer for a particular individual, and maybe only at a particular time.

I think I might feel less secure in a monagomous relationship and wonder if my mate was with me only because he had to be rather than wanted to be.

I think sometimes you meet someone who can completely consume you, and if you are involved with them, no one else exists beyond the relationships currently in your life at the time. I don't think this happens everyday, or even every year, probably only once or twice in a lifetime. People that you just accept as they are, and are able to give unconditionally to them.

I saw this happen to a friend of mine in high school. she fell for her best friend's boyfriend. She did nothing about it, but she was uninterested in anyone else. When they broke up she even tried to get them back together, I still remember her singing about it eventually, a few years later, she got together with him, he was not wonderful (probably still isn't!), he could be the most obnoxious guy in the world, but she just accepted him completely. Its been 26 years and they are still together, and they are business partners too!

 

[Noor]

I chose "Meet the one" and "Do not want to share or be shared".

A few months ago, I chose to briefly experiment with an open relationship. I was involved with two men at once. It is something I would not attempt again. I suppose it just went strongly against my nature...it felt wrong to be splitting my 'loyalties'. At the time, sure, it felt great...but now, in hindsight, it was a mistake.

The irony in this is that one of those men I was involved with was married...and HE was the one who harbored the jealousy in the little three-way relationship and didn't want to 'share'. Interesting, to say the least. But anyway...

Live and learn, huh?

I'm monogamous from this point on, thank you very much. I do agree that humans probably aren't hard-wired for monogamy...I can see the evidence of that in research studies and in the population in general. However, I do believe that once the 'right' person is found, monogamy can be completely satisfying.

There is a significant difference in 'need' and 'want'. I think it is okay to 'want' more than one partner, but do you really 'need' more than one partner? Like I said before...not if you find the right one, you don't. It is possible to fulfill all the needs of your partner in a relationship that is full of honest communication.

Just my two cents...

S.

Well it sounds like your experiment was with a definitely wrong person, I suspect with someone else you might have had a better experience.

I don't really see monogamy as inherently non-satisfying, just not for me at this point. Splitting loyalities is never a good thing, involvement should feel free like you love your children, each differently but not at the expense of the other.

I truly hope you have found the one this time, he sounds like a good one.