Mental Illness

[UsuallyPresent]

This is kinda hard to write.

I've been fighting what the docs are currently calling 'atypical depression' for half a decade. Not the first bout I've had, but definitely the longest thus far. I've been through a bunch of diagnoses over this latest journey, including 'double depression' and bipolar 2. I've been through literally every class of antidepressant in many different combinations, to the point where I've got none left to try. Many helped a little, none have helped me remain functional.

Functional - Able to work a 40 hour week, to interact with people without crying my damn eyes out for no reasonable reason, able to move about with a reasonable amount of physical balance.

So now I'm getting set up to have transcranial magnetic stimulation - TMS - treatments. This is scary shit, there's a small chance, less than 1 percent but consistent, of permanent personality change after even a single treatment. Other side effects are possible/expected, but that's the one I keep getting hung up on.

Examples in the literature of this kind of personality change include suddenly no longer loving people, things, actions, etc you loved before, or suddenly becoming infatuated with a person or activity that had not been of interest before, or going from devious to honest or vice versa, etc. Pretty extreme crap.

The fun bit is that TMS is the least impactive of the remaining treatments. After TMS comes ECT - electro-convulsive therapy, the modern, vastly improved but still shotgun approach 'electroshock' such as from "One flew over the cuckoo's nest" and the like. It truly is improved from that era, but ... well, it has a long way to go.

And after that, brain surgery.

So, can ya see I'm a little freaked out about all this?

Does this drive my kink? Hell no - just the opposite. It gets in the way. I've not been out to play in years, be it card games, sports, or kinky play. Having an outlet like Lit and other places online is a godsend.

I keep wanting to write up a character that's suffering from deep depression. I've finally gotten up the nerve to do so - one of the secondary characters in Hinn, yet to be published but introduced in the sections I've gotten written.

One of the 'fun' things with the particular version of depression I've got is that it cycles. Some days I'm mostly functional, I can get out and do things. Others, tho', I can barely manage to get to the friggin' bathroom and people talking to me make no sense - just can't follow the thread of the conversation, even though I know each word. I've got good friends and family helping on those horrible days, thank god, but - I'd not wish this on anyone. Ever.

So. Hi. I'm depressed, and I'm fighting, and, well, yeah, that's about it. Nice to meet y'all.

 

[Bramblethorn]

So now I'm getting set up to have transcranial magnetic stimulation - TMS - treatments. This is scary shit, there's a small chance, less than 1 percent but consistent, of permanent personality change after even a single treatment. Other side effects are possible/expected, but that's the one I keep getting hung up on.

Examples in the literature of this kind of personality change include suddenly no longer loving people, things, actions, etc you loved before, or suddenly becoming infatuated with a person or activity that had not been of interest before, or going from devious to honest or vice versa, etc. Pretty extreme crap.

Hoping it goes well for you.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Hoping it goes well for you.

Thanks, appreciate it

 

[sally_sparrow]

This is kinda hard to write.

I've been fighting what the docs are currently calling 'atypical depression' for half a decade. Not the first bout I've had, but definitely the longest thus far. I've been through a bunch of diagnoses over this latest journey, including 'double depression' and bipolar 2. I've been through literally every class of antidepressant in many different combinations, to the point where I've got none left to try. Many helped a little, none have helped me remain functional.

Functional - Able to work a 40 hour week, to interact with people without crying my damn eyes out for no reasonable reason, able to move about with a reasonable amount of physical balance.

So now I'm getting set up to have transcranial magnetic stimulation - TMS - treatments. This is scary shit, there's a small chance, less than 1 percent but consistent, of permanent personality change after even a single treatment. Other side effects are possible/expected, but that's the one I keep getting hung up on.

Examples in the literature of this kind of personality change include suddenly no longer loving people, things, actions, etc you loved before, or suddenly becoming infatuated with a person or activity that had not been of interest before, or going from devious to honest or vice versa, etc. Pretty extreme crap.

The fun bit is that TMS is the least impactive of the remaining treatments. After TMS comes ECT - electro-convulsive therapy, the modern, vastly improved but still shotgun approach 'electroshock' such as from "One flew over the cuckoo's nest" and the like. It truly is improved from that era, but ... well, it has a long way to go.

And after that, brain surgery.

So, can ya see I'm a little freaked out about all this?

Does this drive my kink? Hell no - just the opposite. It gets in the way. I've not been out to play in years, be it card games, sports, or kinky play. Having an outlet like Lit and other places online is a godsend.

I keep wanting to write up a character that's suffering from deep depression. I've finally gotten up the nerve to do so - one of the secondary characters in Hinn, yet to be published but introduced in the sections I've gotten written.

One of the 'fun' things with the particular version of depression I've got is that it cycles. Some days I'm mostly functional, I can get out and do things. Others, tho', I can barely manage to get to the friggin' bathroom and people talking to me make no sense - just can't follow the thread of the conversation, even though I know each word. I've got good friends and family helping on those horrible days, thank god, but - I'd not wish this on anyone. Ever.

So. Hi. I'm depressed, and I'm fighting, and, well, yeah, that's about it. Nice to meet y'all.

This sounds scary! I really hope that it doesn't effect you in a negative way. I have struggled with depression on and off through most of my life- especially so recently. I was diagnosed with MS earlier this year after YEARS of not knowing what the hell was wrong with me. I had backwards diagnoses of MS which basically means that in all of my patient notes it was listed that I had a history of MS, but they couldn't actually diagnose or formally treat until they found physical evidence of lesions. I've never been so relieved to have lesions in my CSF fluid.

Along with the MS, depression followed. Extreme. Not knowing wtf is wrong with you and having people in your life be unsupportive or think you're just being lazy and forgetful is incredibly frustrating. It's almost destroyed my marriage- which now I believe is beyond repair.

I do think that depression as a whole is over diagnosed, but at the same time, not everyone who has it seeks help. So who knows what the real consensus is. I've made changes in my lifestyle and diet which have improved some of my physical struggles with MS as well as depression which seems to have helped so far.

As far as it interfering with BDSM lifestyle? Initially I thought I was done. No one seemed to understand what I was going through and didn't want to deal with it. I think it's a matter of finding the right partner(s) who are willing to learn about what is going on with you and developing the relationship from there. I actually suffer from PTSD from a previous experience with a Dom but it has not influenced me to get out of the scene. In fact, it has done the opposite. I want to bury those shitty experiences with incredibly good ones.

I really hope your experience with this therapy goes well. I can't imagine the stress you are under.

 

[sally_sparrow]

I don't know if I trust the medical community on such issues, except for maybe in the short term. It seems iike they don't totally understand the brain and their patients become test cases.

They really do not understand the brain very well at all. I can't say I have suffered from a psychotic episode but I do have a neurological disorder that baffled my neurologist to the point where he just gave up and moved my appointments to his NP in his office without even telling me. This is someone I worked with for over 2 years to get answers. He just gave up on me because he didn't have a clue. All he knew how to do was write me a prescription for muscle relaxers that I did not even want.

It has cost me thousands in medical bills and several specialists to finally get to the bottom of my issues. I was being sent for testing on a regular basis for awhile because I think they just had no idea what to do so they kept ordering more tests. Thankfully something *finally* presented to them that they understood. Western medicine has its place in this world, but if your symptoms don't fit neatly in a tidy little box of pathology, they have no idea what they are doing.

 

[Stillrandy]

This is kinda hard to write.

I've been fighting what the docs are currently calling 'atypical depression' for half a decade. Not the first bout I've had, but definitely the longest thus far. I've been through a bunch of diagnoses over this latest journey, including 'double depression' and bipolar 2. I've been through literally every class of antidepressant in many different combinations, to the point where I've got none left to try. Many helped a little, none have helped me remain functional.

Functional - Able to work a 40 hour week, to interact with people without crying my damn eyes out for no reasonable reason, able to move about with a reasonable amount of physical balance.

So now I'm getting set up to have transcranial magnetic stimulation - TMS - treatments. This is scary shit, there's a small chance, less than 1 percent but consistent, of permanent personality change after even a single treatment. Other side effects are possible/expected, but that's the one I keep getting hung up on.

Examples in the literature of this kind of personality change include suddenly no longer loving people, things, actions, etc you loved before, or suddenly becoming infatuated with a person or activity that had not been of interest before, or going from devious to honest or vice versa, etc. Pretty extreme crap.

The fun bit is that TMS is the least impactive of the remaining treatments. After TMS comes ECT - electro-convulsive therapy, the modern, vastly improved but still shotgun approach 'electroshock' such as from "One flew over the cuckoo's nest" and the like. It truly is improved from that era, but ... well, it has a long way to go.

And after that, brain surgery.

So, can ya see I'm a little freaked out about all this?

Does this drive my kink? Hell no - just the opposite. It gets in the way. I've not been out to play in years, be it card games, sports, or kinky play. Having an outlet like Lit and other places online is a godsend.

I keep wanting to write up a character that's suffering from deep depression. I've finally gotten up the nerve to do so - one of the secondary characters in Hinn, yet to be published but introduced in the sections I've gotten written.

One of the 'fun' things with the particular version of depression I've got is that it cycles. Some days I'm mostly functional, I can get out and do things. Others, tho', I can barely manage to get to the friggin' bathroom and people talking to me make no sense - just can't follow the thread of the conversation, even though I know each word. I've got good friends and family helping on those horrible days, thank god, but - I'd not wish this on anyone. Ever.

So. Hi. I'm depressed, and I'm fighting, and, well, yeah, that's about it. Nice to meet y'all.

Reading your story, I have that 'been there, done that' empathy. Still have the problem, but under control most of the time. I think it is great that you are able to write in your Hinn stories, a real accomplishment. When I was in the throes of the worst times (1999-2001), it took many different doctors and medications before I got sane again. And the crying spells -- oh how I identify with them. Still get them sometimes, especially when I am tired.

One thing -- I did have 14 ECT treatments during that period. My sense is that they did not help at all; doctor wanted to continue, but I declined. What it really took was a savvy psychiatrist and the right combination of medications.

Feel for you friend, hang in there, it can get better.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

-snip-
I have struggled with depression on and off through most of my life- especially so recently. I was diagnosed with MS earlier this year after YEARS of not knowing what the hell was wrong with me. I had backwards diagnoses of MS which basically means that in all of my patient notes it was listed that I had a history of MS, but they couldn't actually diagnose or formally treat until they found physical evidence of lesions. I've never been so relieved to have lesions in my CSF fluid.

Knowing what's going on really does make a huge difference, as does the opposite. I'm glad to hear they finally got you on the better side of that divide.

Along with the MS, depression followed. Extreme. Not knowing wtf is wrong with you and having people in your life be unsupportive or think you're just being lazy and forgetful is incredibly frustrating. It's almost destroyed my marriage- which now I believe is beyond repair.

Very sorry to hear that, losing a support when you need more, not fewer? It is the bad. I hope it recovers smoothly for you folks, or at least causes minimal extra stress.

I do think that depression as a whole is over diagnosed, but at the same time, not everyone who has it seeks help. So who knows what the real consensus is.

I'm very curious about that, but - not the time for me to go digging into that morass quite yet. *wry grin* Maybe in a while, once all this settles out.

I've made changes in my lifestyle and diet which have improved some of my physical struggles with MS as well as depression which seems to have helped so far.

Yeah, trying everything from eating healthy - a requirement impacted by some of the dietary restrictions imposed by some of the meds - to exercise and meditation to make as much positive difference as I can. Sleep's a problem for me, again medicine side effects, but also apparently as a symptom of the depression this time around.

As far as it interfering with BDSM lifestyle? Initially I thought I was done. No one seemed to understand what I was going through and didn't want to deal with it. I think it's a matter of finding the right partner(s) who are willing to learn about what is going on with you and developing the relationship from there. I actually suffer from PTSD from a previous experience with a Dom but it has not influenced me to get out of the scene. In fact, it has done the opposite. I want to bury those shitty experiences with incredibly good ones.

I really hope your experience with this therapy goes well. I can't imagine the stress you are under.

I hope you find playmate and partners that get and treasure you as you are. Appreciate the kind words, and just hope things get better for you too.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Reading your story, I have that 'been there, done that' empathy. Still have the problem, but under control most of the time. I think it is great that you are able to write in your Hinn stories, a real accomplishment. When I was in the throes of the worst times (1999-2001), it took many different doctors and medications before I got sane again. And the crying spells -- oh how I identify with them. Still get them sometimes, especially when I am tired.

Glad to hear things got better for you! I'm able to work some days, not others - short term partial disability coverage for a few more months, not quite sure what happens when that benefit expires. Here's hoping this gets fixed before that clock ticks out.

One thing -- I did have 14 ECT treatments during that period. My sense is that they did not help at all; doctor wanted to continue, but I declined. What it really took was a savvy psychiatrist and the right combination of medications.

Feel for you friend, hang in there, it can get better.

Thanks for the feedback on ECT, and appreciate your kind words.

 

[FurryFury]

It certainly feels as if they don't have much of a clue in this case. So many things (meds and med combos tried) and we still have a roller coaster going on that is very scary.

I don't know if I trust the medical community on such issues, except for maybe in the short term. It seems iike they don't totally understand the brain and their patients become test cases.

I remember when I had my first anxiety attack. My doctor had me trying all kinds of pills and none of them seemed to work. He even tried Prozac, but like most of the other, I had a nasty reaction to it. I think I'm glad I did. My mom took it for a while and I guess she was OK with it.

I have an aunt on my father's side that is totally psychotic, but OK, if she takes her meds. Unfortunately, they have adverse side effects, so sometimes she doesn't take them. Without her meds, she turns into a devil, screaming profanities to everybody and is difficult to restrain.

The human brain is very complex. The medical community is trying to help, but it's no fun being a guinea pig. They are getting better, but some drugs still have nasty side effects...some that actually counter what they are trying to help.

Thanks. We are about a month and half in and still hoping the roller coaster will stop and mentally they will even out. Just this week we had some of our worst days. Our adult child called us every bad, nasty, implausible thing in the book. It's hard to take when we are working so hard to keep them safe and get them well. We are digging deep but I'm just exhausted. I can't imagine how exhausted they are of course when they are NOT being manic.

I'm sorry to hear that :-( It's hard. Hang in there.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Bipolar's horrible, horrible stuff, I'm sorry to hear it Fury. I know several people who've had various treatments work, so anecdotally there's some proof that the medical practice is more than just practice, it's also a success sometimes.

 

[BeautifulBlueSky218]

I have anxiety issues, especially when speaking to a new person. I'm not afraid of rejection or anything, my mind just tends to race a lot and I have pressured speech, mumble or talk very very low.

This happens anytime I enjoy speaking to someone new or enjoy being around that person. Get very nervous and make a fool outta myself, this is where I know I'm deeply shy. May not appear to be shy over private messages or chatting, but if I get near that person, the anxiety starts to rise.

So I'm working on this issue daily, so I can improve on this issues. From what I noticed... anytime I'm talking honestly about anything that can be embarrassing for me, it happens a lot more than usual. Patience is always good for me or having the person ask me direct questions or tell me, "Speak up. I can't hear you." I never get offended when people ask me to repeat myself again or to calm down. I'm aware of this and anytime it's mentioned to me, I relax more.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties, but glad to see that you're working at overcoming them with some success! Congrats!

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks. Still struggling. My husband was thinking of mellow retirement days at the beach and now we have this to struggle with. Will it ever end? Will it be back? OMG!

This week we are trying lithium but all the voices are still there and reality is not a thing for our sweet one.

Bipolar's horrible, horrible stuff, I'm sorry to hear it Fury. I know several people who've had various treatments work, so anecdotally there's some proof that the medical practice is more than just practice, it's also a success sometimes.

 

[sally_sparrow]

I hope those who have been struggling are feeling better today. My mental wellbeing has taken a severe nosedive over the past few months. So many major events have happened in a short time frame and I was not prepared for any of them mentally or physically. I am currently unable to work or do much of anything at the moment. I feel like a burden to those close to me because I really am not that pleasant to be around. There are always tears in the corners of my eyes either coping with physical pain or mental anguish. I am hoping for brighter days soon. I don't have a place to vent in my real life... Cue the violins... Lol. Laughter is my coping mechanism. Perhaps it is time to seek mental health help again. Or laugh at a silly joke.

 

[Stillrandy]

I hope those who have been struggling are feeling better today. My mental wellbeing has taken a severe nosedive over the past few months. So many major events have happened in a short time frame and I was not prepared for any of them mentally or physically. I am currently unable to work or do much of anything at the moment. I feel like a burden to those close to me because I really am not that pleasant to be around. There are always tears in the corners of my eyes either coping with physical pain or mental anguish. I am hoping for brighter days soon. I don't have a place to vent in my real life... Cue the violins... Lol. Laughter is my coping mechanism. Perhaps it is time to seek mental health help again. Or laugh at a silly joke.

Bless you Sally. I can identify as having 'been there done that', even though each person's struggles are unique to them. By all means, use Lit to vent. I wish Lit had existed when I was fighting my demons twenty years ago. I still see my psych (who literally saved my life), and take my medications. Recovery and stability are possible, and I hope you can find that path for yourself. Best I can do is offer you a hug:

[[[Sally]]]

John

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Mental health wishes for the holidays? Got any?

 

[Tallsockguy]

Mental health wishes for the holidays? Got any?

I just want to laugh. It is not that I don’t laugh now - I do. I just feel like our holidays the past years have felt more like running a race. So yeah - I just want to laugh.

 

[sally_sparrow]

Mental health wishes for the holidays? Got any?

Slow down, enjoy every moment with my kids, keep it simple. I hate stress revolving around the holidays. I'm working on mindfulness and brain dumping to clear out the bad. I need more positive influences so I'm working on that, learning more about myself, and giving myself time to really take care of me.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Mental health wishes for the holidays? Got any?

That those stressing over the holidays get a chance to destress, take a deep breath, get a belly laugh for most any reason.

 

[seeshelly]

What is mental illness

I think that mental illness is any departure from an ability to think in rational and logical terms. It is a departure from the natural process of the brain. To illustrate, there is a natural method of walking that occurs in healthy humans. It is a biomechanical system of movement typical to the human species. So, if a person has as significant disparity in the length of their legs they will walk with a limp. It is a medical condition or illness. The same thing could be said about any normal function of the human body or mind.

When it comes to sexual matters it is easy to cloud social norms with biological reality. Biologically males are hard wired to be attracted to females and vice versa.

A human that is attracted to animals rather than humans is experiencing an abnormal mental condition. A desire in the mind that is socially imbedded rather than hard wired by nature. Thus a mental illness.

This becomes a hot-button issue socially because people that have been socially manipulated to have unnatural desires feel disturbed that society in general sees them as mentally ill. Like priests that have been in the news for unnatural sexual activity.

So, as a social mechanism to soother their distress over being mentally ill or insane, they invent elaborate theories that suggest it is a biological trait rather than an unnatural mental defect.

The need to hide the human body in clothing is unnatural and clearly part of the broad base mental illness of many social orders. In my opinion the human race displays signs of serious collective mental illness.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I think that mental illness is any departure from an ability to think in rational and logical terms. It is a departure from the natural process of the brain. To illustrate, there is a natural method of walking that occurs in healthy humans. It is a biomechanical system of movement typical to the human species. So, if a person has as significant disparity in the length of their legs they will walk with a limp. It is a medical condition or illness. The same thing could be said about any normal function of the human body or mind.

When it comes to sexual matters it is easy to cloud social norms with biological reality. Biologically males are hard wired to be attracted to females and vice versa.

A human that is attracted to animals rather than humans is experiencing an abnormal mental condition. A desire in the mind that is socially imbedded rather than hard wired by nature. Thus a mental illness.

This becomes a hot-button issue socially because people that have been socially manipulated to have unnatural desires feel disturbed that society in general sees them as mentally ill. Like priests that like to fuck little boys in the ass.

So, as a social mechanism to soother their distress over being mentally ill or insane, they invent elaborate theories that suggest it is a biological trait rather than an unnatural mental defect.

The need to hide the human body in clothing is unnatural and clearly part of the broad base mental illness of many social orders. In my opinion the human race displays signs of serious collective mental illness.

Are you lobbying to have homosexuality put back into the DSM?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think that mental illness is any departure from an ability to think in rational and logical terms. It is a departure from the natural process of the brain. To illustrate, there is a natural method of walking that occurs in healthy humans. It is a biomechanical system of movement typical to the human species. So, if a person has as significant disparity in the length of their legs they will walk with a limp. It is a medical condition or illness. The same thing could be said about any normal function of the human body or mind.

When it comes to sexual matters it is easy to cloud social norms with biological reality. Biologically males are hard wired to be attracted to females and vice versa.

A human that is attracted to animals rather than humans is experiencing an abnormal mental condition. A desire in the mind that is socially imbedded rather than hard wired by nature. Thus a mental illness.

This becomes a hot-button issue socially because people that have been socially manipulated to have unnatural desires feel disturbed that society in general sees them as mentally ill. Like priests that like to fuck little boys in the ass.

So, as a social mechanism to soother their distress over being mentally ill or insane, they invent elaborate theories that suggest it is a biological trait rather than an unnatural mental defect.

The need to hide the human body in clothing is unnatural and clearly part of the broad base mental illness of many social orders. In my opinion the human race displays signs of serious collective mental illness.

This is nonsense though. "Normal" doesn't mean "good" and "good" doesn't mean "normal". (Can't believe I have to say this in a BDSM forum, of all places!)

Dying in childbirth? Normal. Starving because you lost all your teeth to decay? Perfectly natural. The surgery that saved my hearing as a child? Artificial. Fuck "normal". Being a redhead? Not normal but not bad.

And no, not everybody is "hard wired" for attraction to the opposite gender. Plenty of gay people have grown up in societies where they literally didn't know a single other queer person, where everybody they knew was telling them homosexuality was evil. Those people are gay *despite* all social pressure, not because of it.

Clothes are pretty great too, speaking as somebody who would otherwise burn in the sun before getting 100% natural melanoma.

 

[sally_sparrow]

thank Y/you both
when reading that post i felt something was off but i wasn't able to name it

Agreed!

 

[midlifecrisispanties]

Well, I feel better...

I have always felt a little off about who I am. My bisexuality, my fetishes and kinks, and my desire to be someone else. Coupled with my ADHD and all of the lack of judgement and impulse control deficit that goes with it; I've been a mess.

My current wife has helped me through it all in general. Our new arrangement is such that it keeps me in control of all that. But, the "what if's" and "coulda-shoulda's" still come back to make me melancholy.

I'm glad to see that I am not alone and that...no offense meant to anyone...it could be worse. It is always good to know that I'm wrong about the world being generally crap. I get to feeling that way sometimes. I'm in therapy for it.

Nice to know I'm not alone.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

thank Y/you both
when reading that post i felt something was off but i wasn't able to name it

Agreed!

Thanks. Things on this crazy plane of experience are ... pretty messy. Maybe the OP will chime in again and clarify.