Mental Illness

[Bramblethorn]

Holidays kick my ass.

I have to remind myself that a holiday where I get nothing done is not failure, that's the point of it!

 

[ace195008]

Stag I also have High Functioning Autism, diagnosed, ready for this at age 63 ...my main symptoms were anxiety. I also was diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD. If you ever want to just talk feel free to contact me. It’s been a weird strange ride.

 

[FurryFury]

My oldest has variously been diagnosed as ADD, ADHD, Aspengers and now Autistic.
Also major depression, anxiety, PTSD, and Bi Polar. I'm not sure I believe every one of these. They are also non binary and pan sexual now but that's been through many changes as well. You have to roll with the changes.

 

[PWilton]

Holidays kick my ass.

I understand. For some reason I hate weekends as well. Crazy, even though I am retired and weekends are no different than weekdays. I think it is that when I was in my working years, weekdays gave me something tangible to focus on.

On weekends and holidays, I sometimes just walk around looking at the floor.....

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

I’m really overly verbose. Sorry.

So, on a recent thread about what a PYL needs from a pyl lack of mental illness was mentioned.

Mental illness is often mentioned to explain (erroneously, IMO,) why people are into fringe behavior such as BDSM.

I’m interested in this topic, so I wanted to join in first by responding to the OP, rather than by jumping into the middle of an ongoing conversation between other people as if I’ve been part of it the whole time. This will probably be a very long post, because it’s a big subject and I have a lot to say about it, but I’ll put a tl;dr version at the bottom for those who don’t feel up to reading the whole thing, and I won’t take it personally if people ignore the post entirely or just read the tl;dr.

That said, I feel that mental health issues are not usually handled very well by most of society. There’s a whole lot of stigma, and on average, people tend to be woefully uninformed about the entire subject.

I have c-ptsd, depression, and anxiety from having been subjected to practically (possibly literally) every type of child abuse possible—for years, in most cases. The depression and anxiety are basically symptoms of the c-ptsd, so I typically think of that as my main/primary diagnosis.

Now, c-ptsd is a pretty new diagnosis, because the people who decide these things have just recently realized that people who experience and develop issues from just one traumatic event have different symptoms than those who are affected by continuous trauma do. So I tend to accept that most people aren’t going to be familiar with the distinction, and I don’t mind explaining it.

However, I try to be honest about it upfront when I meet people. I do that for several reasons:

1. So that those who do know (or are willing to learn) what that means have a possible explanation for some of my non-typical behaviors, like my difficulty discerning what people mean when there are multiple possible interpretations, my tendency to maintain way too much control over my emotions, etc.

2. Because I think it’s important that people learn about mental health issues and to raise awareness of them

3. Because I think it’s important that I don’t ever have to feel ashamed of having been affected by things that would affect pretty much anyone else

4. Because, hey, I was abused my whole life, and I’m still in the process of learning how to have healthy, mature interactions with others, so sometimes I overshare, and

5. So that I can weed people out of my life as early as possible if they’re gonna be douchemuffins about my health issues just because they’re not physical health issues.

I’ve found that people have some pretty predictable responses to hearing that I have c-ptsd.

1. I get the people (often those who have their own mental health obstacles) who seem to understand and are thoughtful and patient, but willing to give me some tough love when I need it. These ones are less rare in recent years than they used to be, but that’s probably because I’m more selective about where I spend my time.

2. I get the people who learned everything they know about ptsd from tv. These ones usually ask me which branch of the military I served in and get surprised to find that I didn’t serve. Even though, statistically speaking, ptsd is more common in survivors of rape and abuse than in those who served, I don’t mind that, because they deserve awareness as much as anyone else does.

What I mind is that this type usually assumes based on their tv education that all people with ptsd are violent when triggered and are unsafe to be around. I’ve had potential employers straight up tell me that they can’t hire me because they have a legal obligation to provide a safe work environment.

And even though they’re legally not allowed to discriminate against me for it and even though the one time I ever got physically aggressive from a trigger was because the person who triggered it was also physically attacking me at the time, I just had to accept hearing that, because what do I do? Sue to get a job where people would be afraid of me? That doesn’t seem very healthy.

3. I get people who think they can cure me with the right combination of ill-informed advice. They tell me I just need to get over it, get more sunlight, stop using it as a crutch, stop letting my abusers control my life, blah blah blah. These people often have some trauma in their pasts, but they were able to work through it without developing lifelong mental health issues, and they tend to egocentrically believe that anything that worked for them is bound to work for everyone else, and anyone it doesn’t work for must be weak or lazy.

These ones are the most annoying and the most harmful, IMO. This type is the most likely to make me pull my inner bitch out, definitely, because fuck those guys. Except maybe type 5, because fuck those guys, too.

4. I get people who think that my mental health issues are some sort of fundamental flaw and that being acquainted with me in any way would mean they’d have to take on some extreme burden or become my caretaker. This type I actually appreciate, because they’re pretty upfront about their stigma, and I can just go on my way without having to take on the burden of dealing with their egos. I do find them amusing sometimes, and hurtful sometimes. It depends on how I’m feeling when I come across them. Regardless, I appreciate that I know in advance that we wouldn’t be compatible even as friends.

5. I get this weird subset of manipulative, controlling people who seem to almost fetishize my mental illness because they think it would make me easy prey. Not only are they almost comically wrong—by contrast, my history with abuse has made me pretty damn good at spotting abusers from the outset—, but they’re also really unsettling. I always feel like I need about six showers after I see that little light flare up behind their eyes and the way they lean toward me and analyze me to figure out how to get me where they want me. It’s abhorrent.

This type also includes the less abhorrent—but still plenty creepy—people who fetishize the idea of a damsel in distress and desperately want to rescue me because then they expect that I’ll cling to them forever in abject gratefulness and they’ll never have to be alone again.

6. Finally, the most common type is the people who have no idea how to handle meeting someone who is openly mentally ill, because they’re not used to people discussing it, because it’s supposed to be a shameful secret. They usually respond with pity, which I try not to hold against them, and offers to be there for me if I ever need someone to talk to, which I don’t take them up on, because they’re clearly not equipped to handle me in a state where I actually need it because they can barely handle just hearing the diagnosis. Understand, I’m not judging these people or calling them weak. I’m just saying that, for this type of person, unloading the kind of shit I could unload on them would be overwhelming (which does not equate to weakness) because they don’t have a tolerance for it. I’m not willing to take the very real risk that I could traumatize someone else just by telling them the details of my trauma.

As far as BDSM and mental health issues, I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive. I think the nature of BDSM relationships can be helpful to those who have mental health diagnoses, because in my experience there’s a higher value put on consent, clear communication, self-care, and consistency in BDSM relationships than in vanilla relationships, but it’s also really important that people don’t try to use bdsm as a treatment for their diagnoses. That would be like trying to treat a broken leg by just applying ice; sure, it might alleviate some of the symptoms and make it feel better, but it doesn’t mean it’s doing anything to actually treat the injury.

And some mental health issues don’t actually need a “cure” or treatment, in my opinion. Autistic people, for instance, can often do just fine on their own, especially if they’re high-functioning/aspies. They might need some slight accommodations, like actually saying what (the ubiquitous) you mean instead of relying on vague social mores to get your point across, but it’s not like it’s a major inconvenience, and there’s really no reason that they should have to change just so that they fit into the narrow definition of social normality.

I probably should have made all of this shorter and more easily digestible, but honestly I’m not sure I would have been able to. As I said in the beginning, this is a subject that I have a lot to say about, especially today because I’ve had to deal with an extraordinarily large number of type threes today and I used up all my fucks on them, so I don’t have any left to give for brevity’s sake. Sorry for the verbosity. I’ll try to make up for it with a suitably concise tl;dr.

Tl;dr: I think a lot about mental health issues/mental illness. Mostly, I think people need to be more educated about it. I wouldn’t be opposed to mandated psychology classes in high schools, for instance. There definitely needs to be some work on removing the stigma. I also think mental health care should be way more accessible than it is right now, and I don’t think having a mental health diagnosis should have any relevance to whether someone is or isn’t suited for BDSM. Finally, I don’t think it’s more rampant in western cultures or in modern times; I just think it’s more visible.

 

[FurryFury]

Excellent points! Thanks for your very thoughtful post.

I’m interested in this topic, so I wanted to join in first by responding to the OP, rather than by jumping into the middle of an ongoing conversation between other people as if I’ve been part of it the whole time. This will probably be a very long post, because it’s a big subject and I have a lot to say about it, but I’ll put a tl;dr version at the bottom for those who don’t feel up to reading the whole thing, and I won’t take it personally if people ignore the post entirely or just read the tl;dr.

That said, I feel that mental health issues are not usually handled very well by most of society. There’s a whole lot of stigma, and on average, people tend to be woefully uninformed about the entire subject.

I have c-ptsd, depression, and anxiety from having been subjected to practically (possibly literally) every type of child abuse possible—for years, in most cases. The depression and anxiety are basically symptoms of the c-ptsd, so I typically think of that as my main/primary diagnosis.

Now, c-ptsd is a pretty new diagnosis, because the people who decide these things have just recently realized that people who experience and develop issues from just one traumatic event have different symptoms than those who are affected by continuous trauma do. So I tend to accept that most people aren’t going to be familiar with the distinction, and I don’t mind explaining it.

However, I try to be honest about it upfront when I meet people. I do that for several reasons:

1. So that those who do know (or are willing to learn) what that means have a possible explanation for some of my non-typical behaviors, like my difficulty discerning what people mean when there are multiple possible interpretations, my tendency to maintain way too much control over my emotions, etc.

2. Because I think it’s important that people learn about mental health issues and to raise awareness of them

3. Because I think it’s important that I don’t ever have to feel ashamed of having been affected by things that would affect pretty much anyone else

4. Because, hey, I was abused my whole life, and I’m still in the process of learning how to have healthy, mature interactions with others, so sometimes I overshare, and

5. So that I can weed people out of my life as early as possible if they’re gonna be douchemuffins about my health issues just because they’re not physical health issues.

I’ve found that people have some pretty predictable responses to hearing that I have c-ptsd.

1. I get the people (often those who have their own mental health obstacles) who seem to understand and are thoughtful and patient, but willing to give me some tough love when I need it. These ones are less rare in recent years than they used to be, but that’s probably because I’m more selective about where I spend my time.

2. I get the people who learned everything they know about ptsd from tv. These ones usually ask me which branch of the military I served in and get surprised to find that I didn’t serve. Even though, statistically speaking, ptsd is more common in survivors of rape and abuse than in those who served, I don’t mind that, because they deserve awareness as much as anyone else does.

What I mind is that this type usually assumes based on their tv education that all people with ptsd are violent when triggered and are unsafe to be around. I’ve had potential employers straight up tell me that they can’t hire me because they have a legal obligation to provide a safe work environment.

And even though they’re legally not allowed to discriminate against me for it and even though the one time I ever got physically aggressive from a trigger was because the person who triggered it was also physically attacking me at the time, I just had to accept hearing that, because what do I do? Sue to get a job where people would be afraid of me? That doesn’t seem very healthy.

3. I get people who think they can cure me with the right combination of ill-informed advice. They tell me I just need to get over it, get more sunlight, stop using it as a crutch, stop letting my abusers control my life, blah blah blah. These people often have some trauma in their pasts, but they were able to work through it without developing lifelong mental health issues, and they tend to egocentrically believe that anything that worked for them is bound to work for everyone else, and anyone it doesn’t work for must be weak or lazy.

These ones are the most annoying and the most harmful, IMO. This type is the most likely to make me pull my inner bitch out, definitely, because fuck those guys. Except maybe type 5, because fuck those guys, too.

4. I get people who think that my mental health issues are some sort of fundamental flaw and that being acquainted with me in any way would mean they’d have to take on some extreme burden or become my caretaker. This type I actually appreciate, because they’re pretty upfront about their stigma, and I can just go on my way without having to take on the burden of dealing with their egos. I do find them amusing sometimes, and hurtful sometimes. It depends on how I’m feeling when I come across them. Regardless, I appreciate that I know in advance that we wouldn’t be compatible even as friends.

5. I get this weird subset of manipulative, controlling people who seem to almost fetishize my mental illness because they think it would make me easy prey. Not only are they almost comically wrong—by contrast, my history with abuse has made me pretty damn good at spotting abusers from the outset—, but they’re also really unsettling. I always feel like I need about six showers after I see that little light flare up behind their eyes and the way they lean toward me and analyze me to figure out how to get me where they want me. It’s abhorrent.

This type also includes the less abhorrent—but still plenty creepy—people who fetishize the idea of a damsel in distress and desperately want to rescue me because then they expect that I’ll cling to them forever in abject gratefulness and they’ll never have to be alone again.

6. Finally, the most common type is the people who have no idea how to handle meeting someone who is openly mentally ill, because they’re not used to people discussing it, because it’s supposed to be a shameful secret. They usually respond with pity, which I try not to hold against them, and offers to be there for me if I ever need someone to talk to, which I don’t take them up on, because they’re clearly not equipped to handle me in a state where I actually need it because they can barely handle just hearing the diagnosis. Understand, I’m not judging these people or calling them weak. I’m just saying that, for this type of person, unloading the kind of shit I could unload on them would be overwhelming (which does not equate to weakness) because they don’t have a tolerance for it. I’m not willing to take the very real risk that I could traumatize someone else just by telling them the details of my trauma.

As far as BDSM and mental health issues, I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive. I think the nature of BDSM relationships can be helpful to those who have mental health diagnoses, because in my experience there’s a higher value put on consent, clear communication, self-care, and consistency in BDSM relationships than in vanilla relationships, but it’s also really important that people don’t try to use bdsm as a treatment for their diagnoses. That would be like trying to treat a broken leg by just applying ice; sure, it might alleviate some of the symptoms and make it feel better, but it doesn’t mean it’s doing anything to actually treat the injury.

And some mental health issues don’t actually need a “cure” or treatment, in my opinion. Autistic people, for instance, can often do just fine on their own, especially if they’re high-functioning/aspies. They might need some slight accommodations, like actually saying what (the ubiquitous) you mean instead of relying on vague social mores to get your point across, but it’s not like it’s a major inconvenience, and there’s really no reason that they should have to change just so that they fit into the narrow definition of social normality.

I probably should have made all of this shorter and more easily digestible, but honestly I’m not sure I would have been able to. As I said in the beginning, this is a subject that I have a lot to say about, especially today because I’ve had to deal with an extraordinarily large number of type threes today and I used up all my fucks on them, so I don’t have any left to give for brevity’s sake. Sorry for the verbosity. I’ll try to make up for it with a suitably concise tl;dr.

Tl;dr: I think a lot about mental health issues/mental illness. Mostly, I think people need to be more educated about it. I wouldn’t be opposed to mandated psychology classes in high schools, for instance. There definitely needs to be some work on removing the stigma. I also think mental health care should be way more accessible than it is right now, and I don’t think having a mental health diagnosis should have any relevance to whether someone is or isn’t suited for BDSM. Finally, I don’t think it’s more rampant in western cultures or in modern times; I just think it’s more visible.

 

[cookiecat]

Currently in therapy due to a big life change and the issue of c-ptsd is coming up. First time I've heard of it.

I've been resisting it as a possible diagnosis but everything we're discussing is right on. QuasiSemiDemi touched on the tv version of ptsd; I guess I suffer a bit from this. The resistance comes because my limited perception of ptsd says I need the childhood trauma to be overt, intentional and memorable.

This is very early on in the learning curve but I'm excited to know more.

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

Currently in therapy due to a big life change and the issue of c-ptsd is coming up. First time I've heard of it.

I've been resisting it as a possible diagnosis but everything we're discussing is right on. QuasiSemiDemi touched on the tv version of ptsd; I guess I suffer a bit from this. The resistance comes because my limited perception of ptsd says I need the childhood trauma to be overt, intentional and memorable.

This is very early on in the learning curve but I'm excited to know more.

Yeah, it's a pretty new diagnosis. Not many people have heard of it. I've even talked to medical and mental health professionals who hadn't heard of it.

I've actually found that some of my most powerful triggers are from the traumas that weren't particularly overt, intentional, or memorable. The subtle things have a way of getting into your head and affecting how you see yourself. For instance, I think most people have a story about being dismissed as unimportant by their family. It's my understanding that that's a part of normal, healthy family dynamics, too. However, when you put it in the greater context of my family life (let's just say it was a bit similar to how the Dursleys treated Harry Potter, only I never got my Hogwarts letter), being dismissed regularly led to me genuinely believing that I just wasn't as important as other people, or even inanimate objects.

I once deliberately fell on a broken wrist because I didn't want to break a $2 patio paver stone, for instance.

But when I have a reaction to someone dismissing me now, because "my family ignored me sometimes," I come across as a neurotic drama queen (and possibly a narcissist) because they--and often I--simply can't put the reaction within the context of the whole-household abuse.

As another example, one of my biggest issues is feelings that came from my mother telling me after a beating that I should be grateful I was born in the family I was, because "no one else would ever be able to put up with" me. That's not an extremely overt instance of trauma. It's just an off-hand comment that she didn't even realize would have such a profound effect on me, and it's not something profoundly different from things I was used to hearing and dismissing as untrue. She likely didn't even mean it. And, yet, this fear that no one can put up with me is something I have to deal with on a daily basis. It's something every partner I've ever had has had to deal with; any time they get even a little bit frustrated with me, all I can think is that they're not going to be able to put up with me for much longer.

Even without the greater context, there's really no such thing as a trauma that isn't "big" or "bad" enough to have affected someone. People get PTSD from things like cyber bullying, knowing someone else who has been traumatized, etc. There's really no way to predict what might traumatize one person but not another.

It's also important, I think, to factor in that both PTSD and C-PTSD can present in very different ways depending on the trauma and even the gender of the person who was traumatized. What's shown on tv is often a fairly accurate representation of a man who developed PTSD from a wartime trauma, but it looks nothing like my C-PTSD as a woman who developed it from years of abuse.

For instance, I don't attack people when I'm having a night terror, I don't have visual/auditory flashbacks, I don't get paranoid, etc.

I do catastrophize--meaning if I do something small like sew a seam at 1/2 inch instead of 1/4 inch, I'm suddenly convinced I'm worthless and can't ever do anything right and should just quit quilting, because I was never any good at it, anyway--; I do get pain flashbacks--where my body feels the pain of old injuries as if they're freshly happening--and emotional flashbacks; I do dissociate and enter a sort of terrified, dream-like state halfway between "I can't feel anything" and "I'm going to faint" when I'm put in an uncomfortable situation, but I still know where I am when that happens; and I do deal with relationship issues like a repeated search for a rescuer and isolating myself physically and emotionally.

There are some excellent resources online that can explain exactly what c-ptsd is, if you're interested in learning more about it to see if any of it resonates with you. https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd was my starting point, and it's one I'd recommend.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hello Quasi!

3. I get people who think they can cure me with the right combination of ill-informed advice. They tell me I just need to get over it, get more sunlight, stop using it as a crutch, stop letting my abusers control my life, blah blah blah. These people often have some trauma in their pasts, but they were able to work through it without developing lifelong mental health issues, and they tend to egocentrically believe that anything that worked for them is bound to work for everyone else, and anyone it doesn’t work for must be weak or lazy.

Ugh, yeah. Sometimes it's ego, and sometimes I think there's also a fear reaction involved. It's scary to think that something like mental illness/cancer/disability/poverty could come along and fuck up one's life, so people protect themselves against the fear by telling themselves that these things are somehow controllable. And from there it's a short step to victim-blaming.

I've been resisting it as a possible diagnosis but everything we're discussing is right on. QuasiSemiDemi touched on the tv version of ptsd; I guess I suffer a bit from this. The resistance comes because my limited perception of ptsd says I need the childhood trauma to be overt, intentional and memorable.

This sounds a bit like me re. autism. Took me a while to get past the Rain Man portrayals and start to realise that it was a broader, nuanced thing that might include me.

Speaking of which... got an appointment with a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to see about getting formally diagnosed. It's a bit nervous-making because it's something that's important to me, that makes a lot of stuff in my life make more sense, and it's scary thinking that this guy has the power to just say "no, you're not autistic". My psychologist assures me that from our discussions, I definitely fit the profile, but I think I'm going to be nervous about it until I get through it.

Meanwhile, going to reread the DSM and think about the criteria, so I'm not trying to respond to whatever he asks in the heat of the moment. It feels almost like cheating, going through the checklist he's going to be using and polishing my answers. Bleah.

 

[FurryFury]

Went to the new psychiatrist for the second time this week. Hoping med changes will help and not hurt my oldest.

Some people are like, "I was depressed (can be replaced with any mental illness like anxiety), and I pulled myself out of it, you can do."

This people are ignorant that their depression or whatever wasn't clinical and is not the same. Tons of this kind of person in the world. Empathy which they should have would go a longer way but it is what it is sadly.

 

[savethebeebees]

I have PTSD, but I don't think it influenced me in any way to be attracted to this lifestyle. I do, however, think that it influences what I like and don't like. For example, I can't handle blindfolds, they trigger me, but I love being tied up. I don't want to get into why those specific things either appeal or don't appeal to me, but I'm quite certain it's related to my trauma.

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

Speaking of which... got an appointment with a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to see about getting formally diagnosed. It's a bit nervous-making because it's something that's important to me, that makes a lot of stuff in my life make more sense, and it's scary thinking that this guy has the power to just say "no, you're not autistic". My psychologist assures me that from our discussions, I definitely fit the profile, but I think I'm going to be nervous about it until I get through it.

Meanwhile, going to reread the DSM and think about the criteria, so I'm not trying to respond to whatever he asks in the heat of the moment. It feels almost like cheating, going through the checklist he's going to be using and polishing my answers. Bleah.

I’m a bit curious about how that appointment went, if you feel comfortable discussing it.

 

[FurryFury]

My oldest recently had an hormonal IUD put in and then took a mental health hit. Emotions suddenly flattened out while mind wanted so hard to accomplish tasks but couldn't and was just whirly, leading to lack of sleep and great irritation. Hopefully going down on the mood leveler will help. Scary. They are not functional right now. Sometimes I wonder if they will ever be functional enough of the time to hold a job or be independent.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Sometimes I wonder if they will ever be functional enough of the time to hold a job or be independent.

#relatable

 

[Bramblethorn]

I’m a bit curious about how that appointment went, if you feel comfortable discussing it.

Sorry, didn't see this thread had updated.

We're doing a set of three appointments. Second one was about a week ago, third one is still about two months away (he doesn't have a lot of vacancies) so I can't really answer the question yet! I'll post something about it when things are complete, but if I haven't done so by early October feel free to nudge me via PM.

(If I actually needed this diagnosis in a hurry, that timeline would be stressing me out - I started this process back around the beginning of the year! But that's exactly why I decided to get things going at a point when I didn't urgently need it, to avoid getting into that trouble down the road.)

 

[Knoturnal]

My oldest recently had an hormonal IUD put in and then took a mental health hit. Emotions suddenly flattened out while mind wanted so hard to accomplish tasks but couldn't and was just whirly, leading to lack of sleep and great irritation. Hopefully going down on the mood leveler will help. Scary. They are not functional right now. Sometimes I wonder if they will ever be functional enough of the time to hold a job or be independent.

you never know what these doctors , pharmacy, and Durable Medical Equipment guys dream up. could be a problem with it but you'd be hard pressed to get some of them to look at it. some might but you have to be careful theres a lot of money in things like that and you know how folks are with money.

 

[FurryFury]

This weekend my oldest had a full psychotic break. Can't even answer simple questions or fix food or anything now. Scary.

 

[MattIsRight]

I would have said no once upon a time

I have been married for 25 years... together for almost 30, now living apart.
My husband is younger and did not loose his virginity until he was 24.
I have BY FAR more experience when we met. He had other women when we were dating. The NANO second we got married everything changed. Every morning I would initiate sex and he would smirk and say "sorry. Already taken care of business". He went out once a week with our gang... but I was suddenly uninvited (as they were all single). Then we had an autistic son. There was no sex. At times he would wave his dick at me and demand me to suck it. I unfortunately told him he was acting like a 'dirty old man, and he never let it go. Fast Forward. I lost my health. Bad heart. 15 surgeries. And he did not touch me for eight years. Instead he got a mistress or seven. Then miracles of miracles, he came clean! begged me to let him "love me right" We had a ceremony. The niece and nephews and our children spoke. Turns out it was a ruse to hide money, businesses, basically millions. My Crime? My Mother always told me... NEVER tell your husband how many partners were there before you met him. I told him. I had a lover at 23 who was a model. We had kink night (every Tuesday) foreplay, role-play, rope-play... you name it. I cannot believe I left that for a life time of sexual denial. After the remarriage I was so happy. Had not one clue. Then one day I saw an audio tape was accidentally transferred to my laptop through I -tunes. My husband telling a girl that his motto in life is "my wife does not need to know what she does not need to know" What I needed to know is that we were about to loose our home ... he most likely spent 500k or more on Sugar Babies. I found his escort reviews, (all very high end), his sex adds (he bought me a new computer and transferred all of his data into my hard drive). He has love bombed these girls (renting out entire dining room for romantic blah blah), Jmmy Choo shoes , dior handbags. He bought a house for one. She does not LIVE in it. She lives in a lux hotel in NYC. He stole my clothes and put them on younger women and photographed them. He left sex tapes and thousands of photos to show me just how much he did not care. He is a sex addict... will literally fuck anyone or anything. And they keep getting younger. His sites darker. He gave me a little cash... and said "see ya" . No support. Rental in shit neighborhood (compared to the home we lost)... and I am afraid to file for divorce. He is capable of anything. Naturally he has put his hands on me in anger, drew blood , etc. I am waiting for the feds... seriously (he is THAT lost and out of control) . So in this case my husband is using kink , orgies, teens, to fuck himself out of dying some day. Meanwhile, I am actually quite ill. All he had to do is wait. Now the family is torn apart... and he pays for everything (for them and one of their friends). I honestly wish I had not married him. He is a 12 year old in a 60 year old body, worshiping a 23 year old.

 

[FurryFury]

So sorry. That is a right horror. Hoping you can get justice, fiscally and legally.

I have been married for 25 years... together for almost 30, now living apart.
My husband is younger and did not loose his virginity until he was 24.
I have BY FAR more experience when we met. He had other women when we were dating. The NANO second we got married everything changed. Every morning I would initiate sex and he would smirk and say "sorry. Already taken care of business". He went out once a week with our gang... but I was suddenly uninvited (as they were all single). Then we had an autistic son. There was no sex. At times he would wave his dick at me and demand me to suck it. I unfortunately told him he was acting like a 'dirty old man, and he never let it go. Fast Forward. I lost my health. Bad heart. 15 surgeries. And he did not touch me for eight years. Instead he got a mistress or seven. Then miracles of miracles, he came clean! begged me to let him "love me right" We had a ceremony. The niece and nephews and our children spoke. Turns out it was a ruse to hide money, businesses, basically millions. My Crime? My Mother always told me... NEVER tell your husband how many partners were there before you met him. I told him. I had a lover at 23 who was a model. We had kink night (every Tuesday) foreplay, role-play, rope-play... you name it. I cannot believe I left that for a life time of sexual denial. After the remarriage I was so happy. Had not one clue. Then one day I saw an audio tape was accidentally transferred to my laptop through I -tunes. My husband telling a girl that his motto in life is "my wife does not need to know what she does not need to know" What I needed to know is that we were about to loose our home ... he most likely spent 500k or more on Sugar Babies. I found his escort reviews, (all very high end), his sex adds (he bought me a new computer and transferred all of his data into my hard drive). He has love bombed these girls (renting out entire dining room for romantic blah blah), Jmmy Choo shoes , dior handbags. He bought a house for one. She does not LIVE in it. She lives in a lux hotel in NYC. He stole my clothes and put them on younger women and photographed them. He left sex tapes and thousands of photos to show me just how much he did not care. He is a sex addict... will literally fuck anyone or anything. And they keep getting younger. His sites darker. He gave me a little cash... and said "see ya" . No support. Rental in shit neighborhood (compared to the home we lost)... and I am afraid to file for divorce. He is capable of anything. Naturally he has put his hands on me in anger, drew blood , etc. I am waiting for the feds... seriously (he is THAT lost and out of control) . So in this case my husband is using kink , orgies, teens, to fuck himself out of dying some day. Meanwhile, I am actually quite ill. All he had to do is wait. Now the family is torn apart... and he pays for everything (for them and one of their friends). I honestly wish I had not married him. He is a 12 year old in a 60 year old body, worshiping a 23 year old.

 

[FurryFury]

My oldest has had their first stay in a mental ward which I have always tried to keep them out of and which they insisted on. We had a day and a half of even, then another sudden flare up. Not sure how much I have left in me.

 

[DVS]

This weekend my oldest had a full psychotic break. Can't even answer simple questions or fix food or anything now. Scary.

I don't know if I trust the medical community on such issues, except for maybe in the short term. It seems iike they don't totally understand the brain and their patients become test cases.

I remember when I had my first anxiety attack. My doctor had me trying all kinds of pills and none of them seemed to work. He even tried Prozac, but like most of the other, I had a nasty reaction to it. I think I'm glad I did. My mom took it for a while and I guess she was OK with it.

I have an aunt on my father's side that is totally psychotic, but OK, if she takes her meds. Unfortunately, they have adverse side effects, so sometimes she doesn't take them. Without her meds, she turns into a devil, screaming profanities to everybody and is difficult to restrain.

The human brain is very complex. The medical community is trying to help, but it's no fun being a guinea pig. They are getting better, but some drugs still have nasty side effects...some that actually counter what they are trying to help.

 

[Bramblethorn]

My oldest has had their first stay in a mental ward which I have always tried to keep them out of and which they insisted on. We had a day and a half of even, then another sudden flare up. Not sure how much I have left in me.

I'm sorry to hear that :-( It's hard. Hang in there.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I’m a bit curious about how that appointment went, if you feel comfortable discussing it.

So, now that I'm through the process at last...

I figured out around ten years ago that I was autistic, as a result of my partner getting diagnosed. Until recently I was content to stick with self-diagnosis - because if descriptions of "autism" fit me, and if the strategies that work well for Officially Autistic people are ones that work for me, then that's enough, right?

Time went by, and I got a couple of promotions at work, and with promotions come distractions. I'm very good at the technical side of the job, but executive function (prioritisation etc.) is a weakness for me, and as I've moved up the chain the demands on my EF have grown to the point where it gets very hard to focus on the tech stuff while also juggling the other stuff I'm responsible for. It was starting to feel like I might eventually need to formally request a Reasonable Workplace Adjustment, and for that I need the official diagnosis. I figured it was better to start the process before I needed it, because navigating medical systems is in itself stressful for me.

So I went and talked to my general practitioner back in December, and they gave me a referral to a psychologist to discuss coping strategies, and a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis. The psychiatrist they referred me to is recommended by just about everybody, but has a long waiting list, so nine months later I've only just completed the third of my sessions with him.

We spent the first two discussing my personal history - not just the stuff that was obviously autism-related, he wanted to get a full picture. One interesting part of that story was that I mentioned a foible of my grandfather, just babbling as I sometimes do, and the psych pointed out that this was something that could be a sign of autism - I had never thought of my grandpa in that way before, and suddenly it had me re-evaluating a lot of other things I knew about him.

After the second session I was a bit worried that we weren't going to have enough time to actually discuss the reasons why I felt I was autistic, and I was scared that maybe he was going to tell me he didn't think I was. I can be quite articulate when I'm prepared for a topic, and I've spent so long learning to mask that it's sometimes hard to switch off and be myself, even when I need somebody to see me for myself. Getting a "no" was a scary scenario - like, the workplace autism group is an important part of my support network, if I'm Not Autistic does that mean I can't go any more?

We talked a bit about my childhood, and in some ways I think I was fortunate that I never cared much about being accepted by the other kids. I had a few good friends who accepted me as I am (one of my best friends from childhood is still one of my best friends several decades later!) and some lovely teachers, in amongst the crap ones, and although I certainly got some grief from the other kids it probably would've been a lot worse if I'd been trying to earn their acceptance.

(I've seen reports that "low-functioning" (sic) autistic people often have better mental health than "high-functioning" people, perhaps because the latter burn themselves out trying to mask while the former don't bother trying.)

We talked about rules. I explained that I learned a lot about social interaction by reading various advice columns etc. - once I've read about a particular type of scenario, I can apply that advice to RL situations, but it's hard for me to ad-lib through a scenario I haven't thought about.

I'd made up a long list of responses to the DSM-V criteria, examples of how I fit each, almost like it was a job application. In the end we didn't get to most of them, but he said that what we'd discussed was consistent with me having "autism spectrum disorder" (I don't accept the pathologisation of "disorder", but unfortunately that's the label I need to don if I want to invoke the workplace adjustment process). I was relieved but shaky after hearing that.

We also talked about comorbidity (stuff that often comes alongside autism) like anxiety and depression. I mentioned that I prefer taking trams or trains instead of buses, because they're on tracks and they HAVE to follow those tracks instead of just randomly detouring off somewhere else, and he was very understanding about that. I also dislike driving when I have to navigate as well - the multi-tasking is hard for me. He's writing a letter to my GP, so I go back to see her and continue with the psychologist, although I wasn't there for a treatment plan as much as for the diagnosis itself.

I am glad that I did this before I needed to, because the long waits involved and the uncertainty about whether he was going to give me that diagnosis would've been awful if I'd been in a position where I needed to produce it in a hurry.

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

Hi Bramblethorn,

Thank you for responding so fully.

I can relate to a lot of the feelings there; I felt a similar pressure to fit the diagnosis for C-PTSD when I first started seeing my therapist, though for different reasons. I’d done a lot of research and introspection, and I was certain I had C-PTSD. I’d stopped qualifying it when I discussed it with people, e.g. saying “so I don’t have a formal diagnosis, but...” because I was so sure.

However, my specific history with abuse involved a lot of gaslighting, so even after all that research I was still half-convinced that maybe I *was* making it up. But then my therapist almost took me at my word and just casually mentioned “[my] PTSD” a few sessions in, without any formal discussion of it, like the diagnosis was a foregone conclusion, and the release of tension was profound because then I knew I wasn’t Making It Up.

Personally, I’m comfortable with the disorder at the end of mine, because it does feel like a disorder for me. It definitely makes my brain feel out of its natural order. But I agree that autism doesn’t seem like a disorder. In my experience, people on the spectrum aren’t any less ordered in their thought processes than NT people; it’s just different wiring — and in a lot of ways, it seems like an improvement.

So, now that I'm through the process at last...

I figured out around ten years ago that I was autistic, as a result of my partner getting diagnosed. Until recently I was content to stick with self-diagnosis - because if descriptions of "autism" fit me, and if the strategies that work well for Officially Autistic people are ones that work for me, then that's enough, right?

Time went by, and I got a couple of promotions at work, and with promotions come distractions. I'm very good at the technical side of the job, but executive function (prioritisation etc.) is a weakness for me, and as I've moved up the chain the demands on my EF have grown to the point where it gets very hard to focus on the tech stuff while also juggling the other stuff I'm responsible for. It was starting to feel like I might eventually need to formally request a Reasonable Workplace Adjustment, and for that I need the official diagnosis. I figured it was better to start the process before I needed it, because navigating medical systems is in itself stressful for me.

So I went and talked to my general practitioner back in December, and they gave me a referral to a psychologist to discuss coping strategies, and a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis. The psychiatrist they referred me to is recommended by just about everybody, but has a long waiting list, so nine months later I've only just completed the third of my sessions with him.

We spent the first two discussing my personal history - not just the stuff that was obviously autism-related, he wanted to get a full picture. One interesting part of that story was that I mentioned a foible of my grandfather, just babbling as I sometimes do, and the psych pointed out that this was something that could be a sign of autism - I had never thought of my grandpa in that way before, and suddenly it had me re-evaluating a lot of other things I knew about him.

After the second session I was a bit worried that we weren't going to have enough time to actually discuss the reasons why I felt I was autistic, and I was scared that maybe he was going to tell me he didn't think I was. I can be quite articulate when I'm prepared for a topic, and I've spent so long learning to mask that it's sometimes hard to switch off and be myself, even when I need somebody to see me for myself. Getting a "no" was a scary scenario - like, the workplace autism group is an important part of my support network, if I'm Not Autistic does that mean I can't go any more?

We talked a bit about my childhood, and in some ways I think I was fortunate that I never cared much about being accepted by the other kids. I had a few good friends who accepted me as I am (one of my best friends from childhood is still one of my best friends several decades later!) and some lovely teachers, in amongst the crap ones, and although I certainly got some grief from the other kids it probably would've been a lot worse if I'd been trying to earn their acceptance.

(I've seen reports that "low-functioning" (sic) autistic people often have better mental health than "high-functioning" people, perhaps because the latter burn themselves out trying to mask while the former don't bother trying.)

We talked about rules. I explained that I learned a lot about social interaction by reading various advice columns etc. - once I've read about a particular type of scenario, I can apply that advice to RL situations, but it's hard for me to ad-lib through a scenario I haven't thought about.

I'd made up a long list of responses to the DSM-V criteria, examples of how I fit each, almost like it was a job application. In the end we didn't get to most of them, but he said that what we'd discussed was consistent with me having "autism spectrum disorder" (I don't accept the pathologisation of "disorder", but unfortunately that's the label I need to don if I want to invoke the workplace adjustment process). I was relieved but shaky after hearing that.

We also talked about comorbidity (stuff that often comes alongside autism) like anxiety and depression. I mentioned that I prefer taking trams or trains instead of buses, because they're on tracks and they HAVE to follow those tracks instead of just randomly detouring off somewhere else, and he was very understanding about that. I also dislike driving when I have to navigate as well - the multi-tasking is hard for me. He's writing a letter to my GP, so I go back to see her and continue with the psychologist, although I wasn't there for a treatment plan as much as for the diagnosis itself.

I am glad that I did this before I needed to, because the long waits involved and the uncertainty about whether he was going to give me that diagnosis would've been awful if I'd been in a position where I needed to produce it in a hurry.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hi Bramblethorn,

Thank you for responding so fully.

I can relate to a lot of the feelings there; I felt a similar pressure to fit the diagnosis for C-PTSD when I first started seeing my therapist, though for different reasons. I’d done a lot of research and introspection, and I was certain I had C-PTSD. I’d stopped qualifying it when I discussed it with people, e.g. saying “so I don’t have a formal diagnosis, but...” because I was so sure.

Slight digression: my family has a history of quite nasty genetic illness that killed and/or disfigured several people I was close to. It took about fifteen years between when we knew there was something bad running in the family, and when we were finally able to test for it. I don't want to get into the gory details here, but that was not an easy episode in my life.

Eventually we got the genetic testing, and I found out that I didn't have the bad gene. Which was obviously objectively good news... but it also felt weirdly like something had been taken from me. It was something I'd been worrying about for fifteen years, something that connected me to people I'd lost... and then just like that, a doctor gives me a test result and that link poofs into nothingness. It was a real shift in how I saw myself.

In hindsight, I think that might have fed into my worries about the ASD diagnosis - again, this is something that's become a big part of how I understand myself, and I didn't want to lose it - especially since this is something that's had a lot of positives, helping me find community and understand myself better. I had these plans for how I was going to demonstrate my autistic-ness to the psych, and in the end I barely touched on them. I'm not sure whether he was picking up on stuff that I wasn't aware of, or just that he was willing to trust my judgement without needing too much by way of supporting evidence.

Personally, I’m comfortable with the disorder at the end of mine, because it does feel like a disorder for me. It definitely makes my brain feel out of its natural order. But I agree that autism doesn’t seem like a disorder. In my experience, people on the spectrum aren’t any less ordered in their thought processes than NT people; it’s just different wiring — and in a lot of ways, it seems like an improvement.

Yeah, for me autism is one of those "I'm not deficient, the world just isn't built with me in mind" things. Like left-handedness in a world full of right-handed design. It causes me some disadvantages (don't ask me to multi-task or notice things when I'm in the zone) but it brings blessings too; I wouldn't change it if I could. And it's not something that happened to me, as a result of trauma/etc., it's an innate part of me.