Mental Illness

[Wild_Honey_66]

Seems today is going to be a crying day. Nice.

The ironic thing about being depressed it that I'm depressing to be around. The worse it gets, the more i need the support and comfort of others, and the more i pull away and don't reach out because i don't want to harsh on everyone's mellow. And then the isolation makes things worse, of course.

Being legitimately needy gets a bad rap, it really does. You might as well be a leper. Why is it seen as a bad thing to need to have your hand held through difficult times? Being expected to be strong and independent and self-sufficient puts a tremendous amount of pressure on those without a solid support network. For myself at least, it makes me feel that much more on my own.

Do you know how long it's been since i was well and truly hugged? It'll be a year in March. And before that, two years. That's not me hugging other people, i do that all the time. I'm talking about a hug that's meant just for me, given for my comfort.

Anyway.

I hate how self-concious and awkward and anxious i am when I'm depressed. I literally want to hide under my covers and sleep for a week. But i push myself to be transparent because... idk? If any of what i feel or think or experience helps one person to feel less alone, less hopeless... then it's worth the discomfort, the vulnerability.

It's kind of like sending out a message in a bottle. I can't know who it might reach, or how it might help, but i have to do it.

Life is weird.

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Seems today is going to be a crying day. Nice.

The ironic thing about being depressed it that I'm depressing to be around. The worse it gets, the more i need the support and comfort of others, and the more i pull away and don't reach out because i don't want to harsh on everyone's mellow. And then the isolation makes things worse, of course. Being legitimately needy gets a bad rap, it really does. You might as well be a leper.

Do you know how long it's been since i was well and truly hugged? It'll be a year in March. And before that, two years. That's not me hugging other people, i do that all the time. I'm talking about a hug that's meant just for me, given for my comfort.

Anyway.

I hate how self-concious and awkward and anxious i am when I'm depressed. I literally want to hide under my covers and sleep for a week. But i push myself to be transparent because... idk? If any of what i feel or think or experience helps one person to feel less alone, less hopeless... then it's worth the discomfort, the vulnerability.

It's kind of like sending out a message in a bottle. I can't know who it might reach, or how it might help, but i have to do it.

Life is weird.

Such honesty and bravery. Hugs to you.

 

[CandiCame]

Seems today is going to be a crying day. Nice.

The ironic thing about being depressed it that I'm depressing to be around. The worse it gets, the more i need the support and comfort of others, and the more i pull away and don't reach out because i don't want to harsh on everyone's mellow. And then the isolation makes things worse, of course.

Being legitimately needy gets a bad rap, it really does. You might as well be a leper. Why is it seen as a bad thing to need to have your hand held through difficult times? Being expected to be strong and independent and self-sufficient puts a tremendous amount of pressure on those without a solid support network. For myself at least, it makes me feel that much more on my own.

Do you know how long it's been since i was well and truly hugged? It'll be a year in March. And before that, two years. That's not me hugging other people, i do that all the time. I'm talking about a hug that's meant just for me, given for my comfort.

Anyway.

I hate how self-concious and awkward and anxious i am when I'm depressed. I literally want to hide under my covers and sleep for a week. But i push myself to be transparent because... idk? If any of what i feel or think or experience helps one person to feel less alone, less hopeless... then it's worth the discomfort, the vulnerability.

It's kind of like sending out a message in a bottle. I can't know who it might reach, or how it might help, but i have to do it.

Life is weird.

There's a shockingly good show on youtube called "Peoplewatching" that displays the realities of depression well- shocked the shit out of me because you so rarely see it just laid out like that. There's a couple really, REALLY good episodes including the finale. Idk if it's something you'd be interested in, but it doesn't sugarcoat it or exploit it and it was really refreshing to watch.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

There's a shockingly good show on youtube called "Peoplewatching" that displays the realities of depression well- shocked the shit out of me because you so rarely see it just laid out like that. There's a couple really, REALLY good episodes including the finale. Idk if it's something you'd be interested in, but it doesn't sugarcoat it or exploit it and it was really refreshing to watch.

Sounds good! Thanks. And thanks for the info on external loci, your description fits a few of my children who seem to have been born pissed off in general and hating people in particular.

 

[FurryFury]

When it takes two weeks to get a prescription.

When your psychiatrist can't look for interactions between drugs.

When you are told (more than once) to research what your insurance will allow.

When insurance suddenly goes up or disallows a med that is helping you.

 

[CandiCame]

When it takes two weeks to get a prescription.

When your psychiatrist can't look for interactions between drugs.

When you are told (more than once) to research what your insurance will allow.

When insurance suddenly goes up or disallows a med that is helping you.

My insurance just did this too. You get up there and they're like, "Oh and give us another $30". Like... don't warn nobody, don't tell nobody. You don't know until you're standing in the pharmacy, knowing full well that you can't just go off mood stabilizers because that's... no, don't do that.

Yeah these people have you by the balls sometimes.

Your psychiatrist really should know drug interactions and have a list of all your medications from your other healthcare providers, though. That's actually one of the key differences between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. So that's some real bullshit and you have every right to be pissed about it. That should have never happened to you, and I'm so sorry it did.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks!

Went from $30 to over $300 a month!

My insurance just did this too. You get up there and they're like, "Oh and give us another $30". Like... don't warn nobody, don't tell nobody. You don't know until you're standing in the pharmacy, knowing full well that you can't just go off mood stabilizers because that's... no, don't do that.

Yeah these people have you by the balls sometimes.

Your psychiatrist really should know drug interactions and have a list of all your medications from your other healthcare providers, though. That's actually one of the key differences between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. So that's some real bullshit and you have every right to be pissed about it. That should have never happened to you, and I'm so sorry it did.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Rough night here.

Daughter's psych added Abilify to her Celexxa and she's having an increase in suicidal thoughts. I've got her on the line with the hotline but i know from experience that it's a very superficial band-aid measure.

It's incredibly frustrating to me that what she really needs is much harder to come by than any amount of drugs. She needs people who want to invest in her, and it breaks my mother's heart that i don't know how to change this for her.

Its one thing to have to live with it myself, it's another to have to watch my child suffer and feel like there's nothing i can do.

 

[CandiCame]

Rough night here.

Daughter's psych added Abilify to her Celexxa and she's having an increase in suicidal thoughts. I've got her on the line with the hotline but i know from experience that it's a very superficial band-aid measure.

It's incredibly frustrating to me that what she really needs is much harder to come by than any amount of drugs. She needs people who want to invest in her, and it breaks my mother's heart that i don't know how to change this for her.

Its one thing to have to live with it myself, it's another to have to watch my child suffer and feel like there's nothing i can do.

That actually happens a lot, especially with young people.

The best way I can explain it is like... you can get so depressed that you don't even have the energy to kill yourself. Your negative thought schemas- the one I told you to give a name to, so Ima call them Chad because that's mine's name- Chad doesn't even have the strength to aggravate you.

Then the meds start working, and you get that extra energy- and Chad zaps it from every other part of your brain to start his bullshit. So you have enough energy for him to start bitching about how you should kill yourself- but not enough energy to fight him off.

And all you can really do is survive long enough for them to build up enough energy that you can overpower him. That's all you can do. But that fact that he can function even if you can't means that it's working. It's just not working well enough yet.

I really hate that y'all are having to go through that. I hope everything turns out ok. The best thing you can do while you have someone on suicide watch is to stay with them, or if they don't want anyone with them, stay close enough to watch them and support them. Make sure they don't have access to anything dangerous, and try to create a supportive environment.

I'm so, so sorry she's going through that. I hope she gets through it and everything's alright. When you're in the middle of an episode everything looks so bad. I think a lot of us have been there. It's good that she's not alone, that she has people who love and support her there for her.

I believe in you guys.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thanks, Candi.

I went in to the grocery store (she stayed in the truck), and i came back out to find her crying and telling me that she's never wanted to be 'gone' so much. We've been sitting in the truck in front of the house for a couple of hours now because she won't go in and i am NOT fucking leaving her side. She's been crying the whole time.

Fyi, she's 24.

Chad. That's hilarious. I'm going to read that part to her, it may help to know that it's *kind of* working.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

But that fact that he can function even if you can't means that it's working. It's just not working well enough yet.

Any idea how long this might take? Ballpark?

She named it Bowser. Haha. I fucking love this kid.

 

[CandiCame]

Any idea how long this might take? Ballpark?

She named it Bowser. Haha. I fucking love this kid.

It's different for everybody and you have to find the right mix of meds. Make sure to tell the doctors that this is happening. Sometimes it's a couple of weeks, sometimes it's a couple of months. I wish I could give you a concrete answer but it's one of those things where it's different for every person.

She's not that much younger than me, so I totally don't know if it helps or not, but if you're reading my shit out loud, let her know that some dumbass 20 something on the internet supports her.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Thanks, Candi.

I went in to the grocery store (she stayed in the truck), and i came back out to find her crying and telling me that she's never wanted to be 'gone' so much. We've been sitting in the truck in front of the house for a couple of hours now because she won't go in and i am NOT fucking leaving her side. She's been crying the whole time.

Fyi, she's 24.

Chad. That's hilarious. I'm going to read that part to her, it may help to know that it's *kind of* working.

Thinking of you both. Parenting is tough :-(

*hugs*

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

It's different for everybody and you have to find the right mix of meds. Make sure to tell the doctors that this is happening. Sometimes it's a couple of weeks, sometimes it's a couple of months. I wish I could give you a concrete answer but it's one of those things where it's different for every person.

She's not that much younger than me, so I totally don't know if it helps or not, but if you're reading my shit out loud, let her know that some dumbass 20 something on the internet supports her.

Goddammit Candi, yer makin' mah eyes sweaty.

Thinking of you both. Parenting is tough :-(

*hugs*

It is. I know you know.

 

[PWilton]

30 Years

I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for at least 30 years. I have been stable for several years now, but there were really bad periods requiring hospitalizations, electroshock therapy, and other horrors. Through it all, some things that have sustained me were:
• A loving and caring family (adult children)
• My own determination (often weak, but never extinguished) to fight and return to sanity.
• (Eventually) a savvy and reliable psychiatrist (had to go through several inept priors).
• Good health and prescription insurance.

It’s a longer and more convoluted story than that, but I wanted to emphasize with all the posters here. God bless each of you (and me).

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Candi, may i ask what your educational/professional background is? Daughter is curious.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I've started back on a very low dose of antidepressants. Just one day and already it has killed my ability to orgasm, like everything else I've tried.

I can still get aroused, for now, but i know from experience that that it won't be long before that's gone, too.

I hate this, I hate this so much. I hate having to choose between being an emotionallly stable, functional adult, and being a sexual creature. I hate this feeling of shutting down, of losing this part of myself.

 

[Matt12191982]

I couldn't read all of these, so I'll try to reply to the things that stuck in my mind... I figure people have a varying degree of characteristics, and even that changes. I have tried everything and even when I wasn't successful at that (twice), I figured I'd live as hedonistic as possible - the idea of "What's the worst that could happen?" but it doesn't do much. I even try to use my imagination, and it helps once in a while.

The one thing that has helped me in the last few years is to try the other side of the fence. As opposed to traveling the world, meeting people, participating with my artist stuff, etc., I decided that it wasn't worth it, and that by completely avoiding people, never leaving the house, that I could have my own rented place, knowing my ceiling. My main goal now is to get 8 hours of sleep, and I do about half the time. I work for myself and from home doing the same music and writing, and just getting rid of live performance, which got tiring especially when half the audience is on their phone. I also find the "artistic community" fake with no original opinions (just whatever is tolerable on retwitter or fakebook)

Despite the what-ifs, etc., I think there's just this sad, tense, and hopeless feeling inside of me that isn't going to change, especially the consistent unhappiness. I do look forward to my daily dose of xanax, and the other treats I take during the day.

I just hate when I can't engage in the few interests I have - even if its just sitting on my couch, watching a movie.

 

[PWilton]

I've started back on a very low dose of antidepressants. Just one day and already it has killed my ability to orgasm, like everything else I've tried.
I can still get aroused, for now, but i know from experience that that it won't be long before that's gone, too.
I hate this, I hate this so much. I hate having to choose between being an emotionally stable, functional adult, and being a sexual creature. I hate this feeling of shutting down, of losing this part of myself.

I feel very much for you WH. That was the case for me for many years. A couple of years ago, my psych and I decided to wean me away from two of the medications I was using because they were not indicated for me as I got older. So, we gradually stopped the seroquel and the paroxetine, leaving the mirtazapine in place. I found two very positive effects from the cessation.

One was a weight reduction of about 20 pounds, but the most pronounced one was a terrific upsurge in my libido. I had not realized how much (especially the paroxetine) had suppressed my sexual desire. They do make a difference. I hope that for you, your psych can find a substitute that does not take away your passion, while still keeping your mental health on keel.

I must admit that, given the choice between being stable and being horny, I would have to choose stable, but am really, really enjoying this rather new concupiscent resurgence.

 

[FurryFury]

Glad to see so many participating and supporting one another on this thread. Our current situation is my non binary, adult, child, can't get the meds they need and is sleep deprived. Last weekend we got some CDB oil which they seem somewhat allergic too but it's helping with sleep at least and anxiety. Why doctors don't feel a need to respond is beyond me.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Glad to see so many participating and supporting one another on this thread. Our current situation is my non binary, adult, child, can't get the meds they need and is sleep deprived. Last weekend we got some CDB oil which they seem somewhat allergic too but it's helping with sleep at least and anxiety. Why doctors don't feel a need to respond is beyond me.

Sounds stressful! ((hugs)) Glad you found something that's helping, sleep is so important to healing.

 

[CandiCame]

Glad to see so many participating and supporting one another on this thread. Our current situation is my non binary, adult, child, can't get the meds they need and is sleep deprived. Last weekend we got some CDB oil which they seem somewhat allergic too but it's helping with sleep at least and anxiety. Why doctors don't feel a need to respond is beyond me.

Not to sound like a stoner- but my legitimate suggestion is weed. If you've got untreated anxiety it really can push it back just enough to sleep.

This is a glass houses thing for me, because I only sleep about every 2 or 3 days. For that same reason. If I take my (sleeping) meds it knocks me out for like 8 or 9 hours and I can't remember the last time I had 8 or 9 hours to sleep, so I usually just don't sleep, but when I have to, when I'm running on empty, I'll smoke a couple joints and it does actually work.

 

[Bramblethorn]

(migrated from another thread because we drifted back into mental health stuff - for context, we were talking about charging commissions for visual art and for writing.)

So all in all, yeah, it was time consuming, but my time is literally worthless. Like I have an anxiety disorder (you might remember from the mental health thread) so I literally HAVE to have something to do with my hands all the time. That's why I bounce on and off the internet all day. I did those recolors on my laptop while I watched my kid run around outside, or watched TV, or listened to podcasts, or whatever. The great thing about freelance work on something like art, is that as long as your computer and drawing tablet are portable, you can do that shit anywhere.

Are therapy is great for people with mania, it works on the same principle as fidget spinners. As long as you have the education to know what you're doing with your eyes and your hands, you can use it to get rid of that energy that makes your life so shitty, because it's not something that you have to pay super good attention to, so it actually uses that energy and helps you focus.

This is something that works very differently for me. I enjoy writing fiction, but it burns a lot of mental energy, the same kind that I use for social stuff. It's something I do because it challenges and stretches me... but being challenged and stretched is hard work, I have to be in the right frame of mind, and I can't multi-task at all. When I'm stressed and need to soothe myself, I will probably be doing something like mathematical programming, or playing repetitive computer games.

This is actually why adult coloring books are a thing, btw. Stress causes mania- you don't have to be neurodivergent to have it. I can't sleep at night because I'm neurodivergent and my brain just produces too much of the stress hormones to be a dick, but some people produce those hormones because they're neurotypical, but they have stressors in their life. So these same principles apply even to neurotypical people in a lot of situations. And you can do the coloring books regardless of your skill level, and I am so happy that became a trend because now nobody can call me out on it. Folks realizing that even neurotypical folks can benefit from the things neurodivergent folks use is always a good thing.

A-fucking-men.

One of the most misguided things I ever saw in my life was somebody talking about how it was bad that weighted blankets were becoming trendy among non-autistic people, because that was cultural appropriation. When actually it means they become cheaper and easier for autistic people to access, and less stigmatising.

(Not going to get into a tangent about cultural appropriation here - it is a real thing, and it's a problem, but this isn't what it looks like.)

I've heard that the same thing is true for writing, that it's thereputic, and not just because a laptop by itself is easier to carry around than a laptop with the tablet and pen and everything. Sometimes you can read a piece of fiction and you'll literally think, "Jesus Christ, author, who hurt you?"

For me, it is and it isn't. It can be a useful way to work through feelings - right now I'm writing a story about a relationship between two autistic people, and there's stuff that I understand much better about myself when I'm putting it into a fictional person's head. But writing it takes so much work. It's a bit like physical exercise, good for health in the long term but sometimes exhausting and it's not always the right time.

And again, it's especially good for people with mania or other kinds of neurodivergence that causes excess energy or attention difficulty. I can use myself as an example again. You have no idea how happy I am that I can mostly communicate through text now. You see how long-winded I am? I speak exactly like I write. But I talk really, really fast, because my brain doesn't work properly, and my thoughts move faster than other people can take in and retain. So I went to speech therapy and my parents got me voice lessons to learn how to sing and learn about time signatures and shit- and now I can actually talk like a human person.

That's interesting, because I also love plain-text as a communication medium, but for the opposite reason. It gives me time to compose and make sure I say what I mean to say, check over to see if it's going to be interpreted the right way; talking in person, I often miss stuff or say the wrong thing because it moves too fast for me to keep up.

I bet that comes up in writing, too, though. I bet people steal the shit out of things they've commissioned and don't understand what publishing rights are.

(whoops, this should've been back in the other thread, oh well)

I might be missing it, because I don't do commission writing myself, but as far as I know the thieves don't bother commissioning work - they just mosey over to sites like Literotica and rip off stories without paying for a commission. Even if you were only paying authors $20 or $50 for a commission, it's not trivial to make that money back by reselling; the market on places like Amazon and Smashwords is pretty saturated. So it probably makes more sense just to pirate existing work.

 

[CandiCame]

(migrated from another thread because we drifted back into mental health stuff - for context, we were talking about charging commissions for visual art and for writing.)



This is something that works very differently for me. I enjoy writing fiction, but it burns a lot of mental energy, the same kind that I use for social stuff. It's something I do because it challenges and stretches me... but being challenged and stretched is hard work, I have to be in the right frame of mind, and I can't multi-task at all. When I'm stressed and need to soothe myself, I will probably be doing something like mathematical programming, or playing repetitive computer games.



A-fucking-men.

One of the most misguided things I ever saw in my life was somebody talking about how it was bad that weighted blankets were becoming trendy among non-autistic people, because that was cultural appropriation. When actually it means they become cheaper and easier for autistic people to access, and less stigmatising.

(Not going to get into a tangent about cultural appropriation here - it is a real thing, and it's a problem, but this isn't what it looks like.)



For me, it is and it isn't. It can be a useful way to work through feelings - right now I'm writing a story about a relationship between two autistic people, and there's stuff that I understand much better about myself when I'm putting it into a fictional person's head. But writing it takes so much work. It's a bit like physical exercise, good for health in the long term but sometimes exhausting and it's not always the right time.



That's interesting, because I also love plain-text as a communication medium, but for the opposite reason. It gives me time to compose and make sure I say what I mean to say, check over to see if it's going to be interpreted the right way; talking in person, I often miss stuff or say the wrong thing because it moves too fast for me to keep up.



(whoops, this should've been back in the other thread, oh well)

I might be missing it, because I don't do commission writing myself, but as far as I know the thieves don't bother commissioning work - they just mosey over to sites like Literotica and rip off stories without paying for a commission. Even if you were only paying authors $20 or $50 for a commission, it's not trivial to make that money back by reselling; the market on places like Amazon and Smashwords is pretty saturated. So it probably makes more sense just to pirate existing work.

I just want to say that I never meant my experience was universal. I only brought up my neurodivergence to explain why I'm ok with charging less for comissions and whatnot than someone without those issues because we were talking about time management as it related to things like charging a fee for your time. I don't feel right charging for my time for the reasons I went into here. That's going to varrry wildly among different people.

I have had issues with art theft from commissioners, and it's not even always for monetary gain. Sometimes people put stuff up on places like Reddit, where they couldn't even make money. I don't know what the motivation is, I just know that it's a pain in the ass to have to track down and report.

This is a really good example of how people with different kinds of neurodivergence can benefit from the same kinds of aids, and I think that's neat. I'm so happy we have a lot of text-based communication now.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I just want to say that I never meant my experience was universal.

It's fine, you didn't come across that way. Just interesting to hear about different people's experiences.

I have had issues with art theft from commissioners, and it's not even always for monetary gain. Sometimes people put stuff up on places like Reddit, where they couldn't even make money. I don't know what the motivation is, I just know that it's a pain in the ass to have to track down and report.

Way back when the web was young, rocks were soft, and web navigation technology was a lot less sophisticated, there was this thing called "webrings". People who had web pages about, say, garden gnomes, they'd create a "Garden Gnome Webring" where each person's page linked to the pages before & after them in the webring, so you could explore all those pages by clicking the "next in webring" button. Or if you click "next" and then "previous", you go back to the page where you started. (I don't remember if browsers even had Back buttons at that time, it was a while ago.)

I had some friends who wrote poetry, and one of them found that somebody had stolen her poetry and was passing it off as her own, let's call this person Angela. Angela had this website of "her" poetry and artwork, there were literally hundreds of pieces all on the same topic - let's pretend it was garden gnomes - but in very different styles. It was really obvious that she was stealing from dozens of different artists.

Her page showed she was part of the Garden Gnome Webring. But if I clicked "next", Angela didn't show as the "previous" link, and vice versa. When I checked the webring's master page, she wasn't listed as a member. So she'd set up these links to fake being part of the group. She also had a bunch of "award" banners, and when I checked the sites that gave out those awards, they didn't list Angela as a recipient - fake again.

So she'd constructed this really elaborate portfolio, none of it her own, faking membership in this social circle that she wasn't part of, faking awards that nobody had given her. It must've been a huge amount of work to go to, all the time knowing she wasn't the creator of this work, and yet clearly she was getting some sort of validation out of being praised for stuff she hadn't done. I try to avoid diagnosing other people's MH issues over the internet, or indeed in person, but clearly there was something badly broken there. And I've seen other Angelas since then, with the same kind of pattern of behaviour.

People are weird.