Men- explain yourselves

[elsol]

What doesn't everyone think porn writers have loose morals?

I certainly do.

Have loose morals.

Not as loose as a few Catholic priests and married men, but I'm constrained by the need for good grammar.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[sophia jane]

I just don't think that men who cheat say to themselves...I think I'll cheat on my wife today.

When the situation hit, I don't think that he is thinking...it's cool that I'm thinking about cheating on my wife.

Then why do it?

I believe, truly, he is thinking about him and his feelings....and it's but nothing. That's it. He is not thinking about his wife or his marriage. Its only about his feelings right then and there.

The only other logical reason for thinking about his wife and still doing it, is because of some way of getting back at her.

I can see this.
I guess where it seems a little odd to me is when I get messages along this line: (and I'm making this up but it's really really close to messages I've gotten) "Hi! I'm a 35 yo married man living in Tulsa. I get to your area fairly often and am looking for a friend for occasional sex with no strings attached. I love my wife, but sometimes I just want a little extra. Discretion is very important."

I've actually gotten quite a few messages like this, here and on other personals sites.

 

[impressive]

I can see this.
I guess where it seems a little odd to me is when I get messages along this line: (and I'm making this up but it's really really close to messages I've gotten) "Hi! I'm a 35 yo married man living in Tulsa. I get to your area fairly often and am looking for a friend for occasional sex with no strings attached. I love my wife, but sometimes I just want a little extra. Discretion is very important."

I've actually gotten quite a few messages like this, here and on other personals sites.

Some people don't see love as a finite commodity -- something which must only be shared with one person forever-and-ever-amen. In many cases, however, spouses don't share that view.

Sometimes I think we expect too much of one person: friend, confidant, soul mate, fuck buddy, romantic interest, partner, co-parent.

Many times, I think folks marry/bond thinking (perhaps not even consciously) that their beloved will somehow morph into that "complete" mate. They "fall in love" with the potential, not the person -- and that, in turn, leads to the eventual desire/need to seek the missing pieces elsewhere.

 

[BlackSnake]

I can see this.
I guess where it seems a little odd to me is when I get messages along this line: (and I'm making this up but it's really really close to messages I've gotten) "Hi! I'm a 35 yo married man living in Tulsa. I get to your area fairly often and am looking for a friend for occasional sex with no strings attached. I love my wife, but sometimes I just want a little extra. Discretion is very important."

I've actually gotten quite a few messages like this, here and on other personals sites.

Reading that, I don't really believe that the guys are married.
"I love my wife, but I want to cheat on her with you whom I never met in my life. I just want to fuck you with no strings attached. "

I would think that he is going to attach strings to your arms and legs, and maybe a gag for your mouth.

They might just be taking random shots at having sex.

 

[rikaaim]

I'm going to relay my personal story. It may have been told at one point or another from some one or another, but this time I'm telling it from my viewpoint.

For me it was a culmination of many, many things. My life changing, growing up, moving on, pain, hurt, confusion, etc... I just couldn't process all the emotions and fears that was running through my mind. I had been feeling this way for about a year and knew it. My feelings for my wife were fading. I couldn't explain why and tried every night to figure it out. I lied to myself often to convince myself that I loved her. I did really, just not like I used to. More often I think that I've always loved her more as a sister and a friend than a lover. As the year went on we spent less time physically together. She would initiate and I would block her out. I didn't want to be with her. However, whenever I needed fulfilling I went to her. This sickened me. I wanted out, I know I did. I wasn't man enough to come out and say it. I was too scared of what the unknown future held.

After a while I ran into someone online. We talked for a while and things were good. Things were better than good. We instantly connected and I felt feelings that I hadn't felt in seven years. I knew it was wrong. I knew what would happen. At the same time, it's exactly what I wanted, a tangible way out. Did I care about the pain I would cause her? Yes. Absolutely yes. Was it enough to make me stop? No. Why? Because I couldn't see past my own pain and desperation. I had this hopelessly romantic idea of lasting love with someone and a forbidden love that turned true and blah blah blah. Everything was new to me. I didn't know what to do. All my life I had be strung along. Swept up in the currents of life. Not making a choice of my own. That's how I felt. So, I made a choice. For better or for worse it was my choice. My first real choice.

When I came back from my weekend trip I told her immediately. It was about the third sentence I told her. No lies. I couldn't live with a lie like that. She knew anyway. She helped me pack my bags to go. She trusted me, but at the same time knew. I hurt like hell afterwards. The rage and anger in her I'll never forget. But it was my hurt, my choice, and my consequences to pay. She said that she's since forgiven me, but I haven't really forgiven myself. I don't know if it's because of the affair, the things that took place after I got back, or lying to both of us for the years ahead of it all. At any rate, I know it'll be a long time before I ever find true forgiveness in myself.

 

[Belegon]

Some people don't see love as a finite commodity -- something which must only be shared with one person forever-and-ever-amen. In many cases, however, spouses don't share that view.

Sometimes I think we expect too much of one person: friend, confidant, soul mate, fuck buddy, romantic interest, partner, co-parent.

Many times, I think folks marry/bond thinking (perhaps not even consciously) that their beloved will somehow morph into that "complete" mate. They "fall in love" with the potential, not the person -- and that, in turn, leads to the eventual desire/need to seek the missing pieces elsewhere.

I very much agree with this. My ability to love is not limited. My expression of that is limited only by the structures of society and by the fact that I do not wish to cause emotional pain to my wife.

That said, I would NEVER send that kind of PM.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by sophia jane
I can see this.
I guess where it seems a little odd to me is when I get messages along this line: (and I'm making this up but it's really really close to messages I've gotten) "Hi! I'm a 35 yo married man living in Tulsa. I get to your area fairly often and am looking for a friend for occasional sex with no strings attached. I love my wife, but sometimes I just want a little extra. Discretion is very important."

I've actually gotten quite a few messages like this, here and on other personals sites.

Some people don't see love as a finite commodity -- something which must only be shared with one person forever-and-ever-amen. In many cases, however, spouses don't share that view.

Sometimes I think we expect too much of one person: friend, confidant, soul mate, fuck buddy, romantic interest, partner, co-parent.

Many times, I think folks marry/bond thinking (perhaps not even consciously) that their beloved will somehow morph into that "complete" mate. They "fall in love" with the potential, not the person -- and that, in turn, leads to the eventual desire/need to seek the missing pieces elsewhere.

Love has nothing whatever to do with what the guy is writing about. I think he is being completely honest and is just asking for sex with no strings. He may be sending the same message to several women and will go with whichever one accepts his proposition. If they all turn him down, he will go to a call girl.

SJ, I haven't seen your site but it probably gives the impression that you are sexually available to men who want "something on the side".

 

[sophia jane]

SJ, I haven't seen your site but it probably gives the impression that you are sexually available to men who want "something on the side".

Yeah, it seems that a woman who likes sex sends this message. Which is pretty sad, really.

 

[Belegon]

Yeah, it seems that a woman who likes sex sends this message. Which is pretty sad, really.

it's not the message, it is the way it is being received...

 

[shereads]

I cheated because the alternative was to live without sex.

He cheated by deciding, for both of us, that sex wasn't something we would discuss. He just didn't feel like it right now. 'Right now' turned into year after year.

I didn't leave right away, because I wanted to postpone the crisis.

Just wanted to add, since one of the questions was 'why not just leave,' that even though we didn't have children, the decision to divorce was painful on both sides. Where children are involved, it should be obvious why the 'cheater' doesn't just leave.

 

[shereads]

He may be sending the same message to several women and will go with whichever one accepts his proposition. If they all turn him down, he will go to a call girl.

I thought that too, Box. He might be sending hundreds of them. Even the most offensive invitation, sent to a sufficient number of people, will eventually bring him together with someone who finds his gracelessness charming.

 

[impressive]

I thought that too, Box. He might be sending hundreds of them. Even the most offensive invitation, sent to a sufficient number of people, will eventually bring him together with someone who finds his gracelessness charming.

The birth of SPAM. *nods*

 

[Svenskaflicka]

One theory I've heard is that men cheat for the same reason why dogs lick their balls - because they can.

 

[NoJo]

One theory I've heard is that men cheat for the same reason why dogs lick their balls - because they can.

I don't agree with that. My dog has never once licked my balls.

 

[Carmenica Diaz]

I don't agree with that. My dog has never once licked my balls.

That is strangely disappointing.

 

[NoJo]

That is strangely disappointing.

You'll find that a lot with my posts.

 

[Stella_Omega]

One theory I've heard is that men cheat for the same reason why dogs lick their balls - because they can.

But that's really the second reason- the first is that it feels so good

 

[rgraham666]

Even when my marriage was at its worst, cheating never even crossed my mind. I'd made a promise and I try very hard to keep them.

I suppose it's different for me because I'm so different. Being in a relationship happens so infrequently for me, I simply can't imagine fucking it up by screwing around.

I suspect a lot of people cheat because they're reasonably certain even if all their current relationships blow up because of cheating, there will be more in the near future. Because of the easy availability of both romance and sex, these things are cheap to many people.

For me, romance and sex are very rare commodities indeed. Why would I throw something that valuable away?

 

[123pickme3]

Some people cheat on there s.o. and think is is ok some don"t. I had an affair once and my wife found out I will never forget the look on her face, I can't descripe the look it was one like I have never seen before and I made up my mind I wouldn't do that again. For me it was something that wasn't planned, she told me she had a dream about me and said we had se I ask her if I was any good she told me yes but she though I would be better in person and that was that. That was several years ago and we have never fully recovered from it . Now the wife and I are pretty much sexless not my choice, and I enjoy talking and flirting with the women. I don't find anything wrong with that.

 

[Norajane]

Some people cheat on there s.o. and think is is ok some don"t. I had an affair once and my wife found out I will never forget the look on her face, I can't descripe the look it was one like I have never seen before and I made up my mind I wouldn't do that again. For me it was something that wasn't planned, she told me she had a dream about me and said we had se I ask her if I was any good she told me yes but she though I would be better in person and that was that. That was several years ago and we have never fully recovered from it . Now the wife and I are pretty much sexless not my choice, and I enjoy talking and flirting with the women. I don't find anything wrong with that.

You don't find anything wrong with that ????

Wouldn't it be better to be talking and flirting with your wife?

 

[Svenskaflicka]

You don't find anything wrong with that ????

Wouldn't it be better to be talking and flirting with your wife?

I don't think it's wrong to flirt with other people, as long as it doesn't get physical. I see it as "it doesn't matter where you get the appetite, as long as you only eat at home".

 

[impressive]

I see it as "it doesn't matter where you get the appetite, as long as you only eat at home".

Heh. Does that include inviting folks over for ... um ... lunch while your SO is at work?

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Heh. Does that include inviting folks over for ... um ... lunch while your SO is at work?

Only if you and your SO have an agreement that it's OK to lunch with other people.

 

[Norajane]

I don't think it's wrong to flirt with other people, as long as it doesn't get physical. I see it as "it doesn't matter where you get the appetite, as long as you only eat at home".

I agree with you in general - flirtation is a lot of fun when everyone understands there's nothing more behind it. It's a different kind of flirtation when there's interest in taking it further. I'll bet you can tell whether it's harmless or not just by watching your guy flirt at a party, right?

I was referring to his case specifically, though, where he and his wife are "pretty much sexless" years after the affair, and he flirts with others and doesn't see anything wrong with that.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Ofcourse, it always depends on the situation. I mean, one of the reason why a couple is sexless probably is because they don't flirt with each other. And while flirting outside the relationship might get him in the mood, it probably doesn't do much good for his wife.