Matt and Heather Ch1.

[kowalski]

I recently posted this story and I've been very pleased and surprised with the score it's got so far, but I've not recieved a single bit of feedback on it, either anon or otherwise.

I want to improve my writing so I'd love to hear peoples views, good and bad on this piece....especially as I'm deeply into Ch2 right now...

Hope you enjoy it anyway!

K

 

[MaxSebastian]

Well, I really enjoyed it - it had a good build-up and lots of pace, never seemed boring. You're a very good writer in my opinion, with a good clear voice of your own - this doesn't seem too laboured like some stories on this site, you've not tried to over-write it and seem like Charles Dickens, which is a good thing.

Some interesting plot ideas, but I think you didn't quite exploit them as much as you could have. You could have taken more advantage of the text chat-up, perhaps, rather than using it only as a means to the two leads meeting. You could have played around with the public setting for the fooling around in the cinema.

But it was still pretty good, I thought. One thing that could be improved was the dialogue between them, and their interaction before getting full on, i.e. flirtation, foreplay, that kind of thing. The dialogue was pretty terrible - I mean, I know they had texted each other so they could experiment with their sexualities, but the things they said to each other sounded like they came from a bad porn flick. For me, it was counter-acting the sensuality that you built up.

The ending was fine - leaving the reader wanting more, and that's just the effect you want in a story, really. Especially when you're writing chapter two. Good luck, I'm sure it'll be well-received too.


Max