Married Posters

[overthebow]

Does anyone else see the irony in that most single people are searching for a lifemate/spouse ... yet there are so many married people who have grown bored through monotony or circumstance? Where's the happy middle ground? Is it remaining single yet having a series of fulfilling long or short term relationships?

I think they want to grow. I am trying to recover from a divorce. It is hard. A friend gave me a book, Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford. She has something in there about an emotional contract.

The thrust of her book is that this emotional contract is struck unconsciously between partners in a relationship. It may be, and usually is, unspoken. But we accept it and invest in it. Problem one is that the two partners may have a difference of opinion about what is in the emotional contract. Problem two is that the contract often doesn't have a means for renegotiating it. I think the rub happens when we perceive an inequity in the contract and don't see a way to change it.

I don't think that that people are bored so much as they want a change in the contract so that they can grow, however they preceive growth to be.

I have read a lot of relationship books, and one of the things that stands out is how, once the idea of separation is raised, one or both partners tries to heal things. A common event is that the husband starts saying "I love you" and doing little things for his wife. The wife says "That is all that I wanted all along". Sometimes, they work it out, other times, it is too little too late. Sometimes, the husband has been attentive and said "I love you" all the time. Then the complaint may be that he doesn't spend enough time with the kids. He starts doing that, but maybe it isn't enough. Or she is frigid. So they start having sex more often, but all those times that she turned him down make him look elsewhere or not. It seems in all of these cases, there was a contract and perceptions and the individuals involved were not really aware of the process that was happening between them.

I don't see it as ironic at all that people are looking outside of marriage for something else. They have painted themselved into a corner with their contract. In his book, Passionate Marriage , David Schnarch says that "Nothing prepares you for marriage like marriage." People form a emotional contract without knowing what their emotional needs will be in the future.

 

[wickedgirl]

I have no answers. I'm not one to give advice. I am 33 and on Marriage number 4. So I'm the last one to ask advice. lol

 

[mickyp123]

I haven't posted in a while, but just wanted to say hello to everyone!

Hi Dragon, take care

 

[mrsree]

Help

Hello everyone, I need an ear. I am leaving my marriage of 19 years because of many differences. It is a very emotional time for me. I have been out looking at apartments today. WOW! I can't believe how much it costs. I would never have imagined that I would be going through this in my lifetime, but here I am. Any support you could lend would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[woodshed]

Hi Msree
I'm also from wi and I understand just how pricey apts, are today. If ya want someone ta chat with, just let me know, good luck getting away from hubby and I hope ya get lotsa luvin without him.

 

[xketasy]

Hi mrsree, I don't know if misery loves company. I've been married 13 years living the american dream, now headed in the same direction as you. It sucks and is unfair.

 

[boomer3112]

Hi msree

Sorry haven't been online lately, have dropped you a pm, you can chat with me at yahoo, or drop me an e-mail at the address i gave you.

Please get in touch to chat.

 

[wickedgirl]

Sorry to hear about your situation Msree. I have been there 3 times and all I can say is keep your chin up it does get better....

 

[overthebow]

Re: Help

Hello everyone, I need an ear.

Having someone to listen makes things better. I hope you can get someone to bear witness to what it is that you are feeling and going through.

When I started down this path, I didn't know what to expect.

*) Grieving the dream - it is grieving, it is a physiological process. I don't know what your dream was like, but the odds are that it is gone and you are missing it.

*) two years - it will take a while to grieve. I don't think it is possible to skip this. You can know where you want to be, how you want to feel, but your body is grieving. It takes time.

Good luck.

 

[TomOne]

Does anyone else see the irony in that most single people are searching for a lifemate/spouse ... yet there are so many married people who have grown bored through monotony or circumstance? Where's the happy middle ground? Is it remaining single yet having a series of fulfilling long or short term relationships?

I believe there is a fine line that can be reached between growing "bored through monotony or circumstance" as opposed to "comfortable with someone you know so well"! Personally, I immensely enjoy the latter with my wife, but I will admit that sometimes (although not always) our relationship suffers from lack of spontaneity. That's one of the reasons I enjoy flirting here on lit is that it adds excitement back into my personal thoughts and outlook which then flows over into my home life. At least it works for me, even though my wife has no idea that I cum here. But, I don't think being married or single makes a difference ... it's just the way of the world in a long term relationship ... and it's something that requires extra work to make them a success!

Or at least that's one persons humble opinion!

http://www.smilies-world.de/smilies_Image/vorschau-start/smiley.gif

 

[sundragon22]

Hi Dragon, take care

Ahh, micky my sweet.
I have missed you. Hope you are well.

 

[GypsyLuvsSex]

I am married and my husband doesn't know I play online either. I have even went as far as to meet a few single males and a few couples and have sex with them. I am really into group sex and have gone to several swing clubs. It all started as flirting because I was bored. My husband travels alot and I have alot of free time. It would kill him if he knew of my sexual playing... I suppose I have taken it all to far but I so enjoy it too much to stop.

 

[angelique127]

Does anyone else see the irony in that most single people are searching for a lifemate/spouse ... yet there are so many married people who have grown bored through monotony or circumstance? Where's the happy middle ground? Is it remaining single yet having a series of fulfilling long or short term relationships?

Believe it or not, there is a middle ground. I am married for 5yrs. now, but we PLAY together....if we feel like it ! But never behind the other's back. That is just something we live by, no cheating !

Different strokes for different folks...I guess.

On the other hand our sex life is very exciting !

 

[Guest]

On the other hand our sex life is very exciting ! [/B]

I can see why. Your hubby is one lucky man.

 

[boomer3112]

gypsy

I can understand where your coming from, absence may make the heart grow stronger, but it also makes the eye wander..lol.

I'm like you i have a lot of free time, wife works out of town, although i haven't gone into the group thing, i have both a married female lover and a male TV lover, so you could say i'm getting the best of both worlds..lol

I agree it is hard to stop, its almost like smoking, hard to break the habit! loved your pic and i can see why such a great looking women would feel the need to have as many men as possible worshiping her, all the best

 

[babydoll2u]

Re: gypsy

I can understand where your coming from, absence may make the heart grow stronger, but it also makes the eye wander..lol.

I'm like you i have a lot of free time, wife works out of town, although i haven't gone into the group thing, i have both a married female lover and a male TV lover, so you could say i'm getting the best of both worlds..lol

I agree it is hard to stop, its almost like smoking, hard to break the habit! loved your pic and i can see why such a great looking women would feel the need to have as many men as possible worshiping her, all the best

well my case is one where hubby has simply lost interest....partially due to medical problems. Been 2 years now, but I've only recently began to consider having a friend/lover (like that MUCH better than calling him a FB. Thing is....I don't want ONLY a lover....I want my lover to be my friend as well....who knows, maybe I'm asking for too much

 

[barbqman]

I am a married male, wife really doesnt know what I do online. I think fooling around would be fun. But I am a pervert. A discreet lover or lovers would be hot, but how do you keep it a secret?

 

[Chi-Guy31]

Re: gypsy

I can understand where your coming from, absence may make the heart grow stronger, but it also makes the eye wander..lol.

I'm like you i have a lot of free time, wife works out of town, although i haven't gone into the group thing, i have both a married female lover and a male TV lover, so you could say i'm getting the best of both worlds..lol

Wow, dude, you have all that going on here, in Illinois? How the heck do you manage it all?

 

[boomer3112]

babydoll

I understand what you mean, just getting laid is easy, i have been seeing my married lover for over 3 years now, we are friends now as well as lovers, we can tell each other our problems and we talk online at lot.

I hope you find someone

For Chi-Guy, trust me it took a lot of searching and a lot of sorting through the BS artists. But once i had someone i could trust i stuck with them and stopped looking for quick one night stands.

it takes patience and a lot of luck...lol

 

[babydoll2u]

Re: babydoll

I understand what you mean, just getting laid is easy, i have been seeing my married lover for over 3 years now, we are friends now as well as lovers, we can tell each other our problems and we talk online at lot.

I hope you find someone

thanks Boomer....yeah what I do NOT want is just getting laid....
What you have is what I was trying to describe.... a friend and a lover. Does your sweetie live close by? Or do you have to travel to meet her?

 

[Bert Notorius]

I was curious how many married posters/lurkers frequent the boards without the knowledge of their spouses. Do you feel your participation here has positively or negatively effected your marriage?

Personally, my husband doesn't know. I'd like to include him at some point. I guess I'm enjoying flirtation with other men without his knowledge an exciting thing. We've been married my entire adult life. Flirting with other men is something I find I'm craving at this point in my life.

My wife doesn't know for sure what I do on the computer, but she probably has suspicions. I find the internet to be a powerful research tool for information, say on SEX for instance. I've had a powerful thirst for all things sexual since biology in high school.
Since I focus all the energy I gather back on her, I think we both benefit. I do try to limit my personal interaction on line because I am weak and tend to be easily infatuated.


My wife is very sexually conservative but I've been working on her for 21 years and I think she's starting to come around......

 

[boomer3112]

I hope you can find someone to be your friend and lover, i think that married people can do this better than single people, firstly they have something to lose by screwing up..lol.

and secondly they are generally settled in one life and just need the excitement of an affair, the friendship they also get is a huge bonus.

My lover and i don't live in the same town, but we are only 20mins drive apart so I can drive over to see her, or she comes into town once a week to do her shopping and we meet then.

It is a good arrangement and we have become very close over the years

 

[babydoll2u]

i hope

I hope you can find someone to be your friend and lover, i think that married people can do this better than single people, firstly they have something to lose by screwing up..lol.

and secondly they are generally settled in one life and just need the excitement of an affair, the friendship they also get is a huge bonus.

My lover and i don't live in the same town, but we are only 20mins drive apart so I can drive over to see her, or she comes into town once a week to do her shopping and we meet then.

It is a good arrangement and we have become very close over the years

that my friend/lover relationship proves to be as successful as yours has. Continued good luck to you

 

[AnotherCatullus]

Re: babydoll

i have been seeing my married lover for over 3 years now, we are friends now as well as lovers, we can tell each other our problems and we talk online at lot.

That's what my wife has. I can hardly object on moral grounds, since I know it's very important to her and I want her to be happy, but it absolutely cuts me up every day of my life. The personal intimacy hurts way more than the sex.

Hi everyone! by the way. Haven't been here on Lit in a dogs age.

 

[babydoll2u]

Re: Re: babydoll

That's what my wife has. I can hardly object on moral grounds, since I know it's very important to her and I want her to be happy, but it absolutely cuts me up every day of my life. The personal intimacy hurts way more than the sex.

Hi everyone! by the way. Haven't been here on Lit in a dogs age.

I'm so sorry for your hurt sweetie....