Marriage Question :(:(

[jeepinguy1]

First of all let me state I am not interested in cheating on my wife. We have been married 7 years and for the most part they have been great. Now for a little background into my situation. I have known my wife a total of 14 years. I am 39 and she is 36 and for both of us this is our first marriage. While we were dating and for the first 3 years of our marriage the sex was still great ....................... She was willing to experiment with new things and places. Then she started to change on me. I guess the only way to explaine it is she has started to get more and more conservative. Anything I try thats in any way different gets no response or a flat out no. We still go out on dates and I try to be romantic as often as possible. I also have tried talking about it with her and she tells me that things change as you get older grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I guess my question is .................... I have run out of ideas. Does anyone out there have any ???? Help the new guy PLEASE !!!!! I don't want to give up sex at my age

 

[Mr. Mann]

My suggestion?

Quit talking to her. Quit listening to her. No more romance.

When she asks why no more loving conversation, just tell her "Things change as you get older, right?"

... Not really. I'm just making a point.

I'm sure the femifascists will drool at the thought of roasting my jumblies over an open spit for this... but...

...even if your wife HAS lost her interest in sex... marriage is a comittment to meet each other's needs exclusively. Otherwise, what's the point.

And it is a two-way street... not a man-trap.

Sex is often a need, most often for men... but also sometimes for women who have husbands who have lost interest.

Perhaps she may not be interested in intercourse, but she can certainly try to recognize that you need sex, and try to find acceptable ways for her to meet your need for physical intimacy and affection. A hand-job, oral sex, the list goes on and on.

Perhaps she wouldn't enjoy it sexually if her drive has waned, but if she loves and cares for you then she should be willing to put the work in to help meet yor needs.

If I lost my sex drive, or were physically unable to perform... I'd still love my wife and would be eager to please her sexually as best as I could. Perhaps through oral sex, masturbation, or any number of ways. Anything within my power to do, I'd do... because I love her, and I am comitted to her... I am comitted to meeting her needs and desires as best I can. In addition to my lover, she is also my best friend. I want her to be happy and have everything in the world. Any happiness I can give to her is hers.

Sometimes we each don't feel like donig things in a marriage. While we must each be patient and forgiving of each other's faults and shortcomings, our goal should be to each strive to be what the other person needs and wants in marriage.

That's what marriage is... a comittment to exclusively meet another person's needs and have your needs exclusively met by another person. (unless there is an informed agreement otherwise)

If she has gotten to a place where she doesn't care if your needs are met... doesn't particularly care if you are happy or not... then it is time for a very serious discussion.

Check out the book store... there are tons of books on exactly this topic. Find something you relate to and buy a few. Take them home. Show them to her. Tell her exactly how you feel No matter what, she deserves your total honesty. Not telling her how you feel out of consideration and not wanting to make waves can be good sometimes... but for bigger issues that are this important, you are denying her the ability to make informed decisions. You have to take the risk of her rejection, too. However, for something this important... you owe it both her and yourself to be honest and forthcoming.

You also have to be just as willing to change and make an effort for her, as well.

I wish you BOTH the very best.

 

[silverwhisper]

i've long felt that changes of that nature are usually a reflection of changes of another kind. do you have kids or are you in the process of starting a family? that can create a big change for some. are you making time to spend time with one another, to be romantic? what about her? when's the last time either of you tried to seduce one another?

ed

 

[Norajane]

I think "things change as you get older" is a cop-out. I'm 38 and my sex-drive is higher than ever. I'm so much more confident at this age that I'm far more interested in exploring my sexuality and sensuality then ever, and sex feels better than ever.

Now, if she wants to say "our lives have changed" or "our relationship and how we are with each other outside the bedroom" has changed "or my depression medication has killed my sex drive", then you have something to work with.

I don't have any advice, except to read this thread to try to gain some insight on why partners might lose interest in sex. Maybe something there will resonate and you'll recognize what might be going on with your wife.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=409259

 

[Straight-8]

She's 36! Things don't change (in the sense of losing interest in sex at least) as you get into the prime of your life. There is a theory out there that women reach their sexual peak at 49. We've recently passed that and my wife keeps reaching new and exciting peaks! I agree with Norajane: she is b.s.ing you. You need to get to the bottom of whatever is the real problem. That may take the 'big chat' (or several of them) or counselling but you can't let it go.

Do you satisfy her needs sexually? I think many women lose interest in sex because they don't get anything out of it. You've got to help your woman get in touch with her sexual side and make her happy!

I also agree with Mr Mann (boy am I ever agreeable today!). Don't ignore your needs and if she really cares about the relationship she'll deal with that - even if only by giving you a licence to play (which will at least tell you where your relationship is).

 

[jeepinguy1]

Clarify some things

I guess I need to give a little more info to clarify some things. In all the other areas of our marriage it's great. We do have one daughter but all of this started 2 years before she was born. I think she has gotten it in her head that it is sinful or maybe she is being immature for trying things sexually. She has went from a multipul orgasims and sex 4 or 5 times a week to a weekly schedual of maybe 1 time a week. I think it is because she has become heavily involved in church. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with church but I think she is taking it waaaaaaaaaay to far. When we talk about it she acts like she is ashamed of the things we used to do...... Maybe I am just beating my head against a wall ............. I just want the old wife back. I have talked about it until I am blue in the face with her .............. I was hoping there might be others who have went thru this and might give me a little insight.........

 

[Mr. Mann]

You said that she told you it was because things change when you get older.

You said that she acts like she is ashamed of your "old" sex life.

You said that you think it is because of church.

Well, which is it?

What she says, how you think she acts, are some other thing that you suspect is the true cause?

Or do her reasons change? Do you maybe get the feling that she is ggrasping for reasons and that maybe she doesn't even understand why?

Or maybe she is making excuses?

Is it sex she isn't interested in, or sex with YOU she isn't interested in?

Why are you frustrated with the posts offered? Some of us have been through similar experiences. Some of us have offered the best insight we could.

What did you want, a "tickle behind her left knee to turn her horny switch back on"?

 

[SweetErika]

First off, welcome, and I hope you find what you're looking for here!

I don't buy the 'things change as we age' line either, though sometimes people use that honestly when they really don't know what's going on...they think it MUST be age, or that libido is supposed to go as we age. I'm also curious to hear the answers to Ed's questions regarding what's going on in her/your life, and if she has any health and emotional issues, takes medication, etc.

I would ask my spouse to make a good faith effort to find out what's going on, be it individual or a function of our relationship, and work on it. To me, that means investigating and trying to treat possible physical/medical, emotional, mental, and relationship issues thoroughly. Individual and couples counseling would likely be part of the plan. Of course this assumes my partner loves and respects me, understands there's a problem, and wants to fix it in the interest of repairing our relationship and my happiness. If not, the relationship would be no longer. But that's me, and you have to figure out what you're willing and able to do.

So, maybe the next step is to try to convey that because you love and respect her and the relationship so much, you want to be clear this is a very serious and sad situation for you, and you really fear what will come of not communicating and trying to work on it. Perhaps you could ask her to share her thoughts and feelings on the subject. If she goes with "things change as we get older," you may agree with her, and let her know you don't expect to go back or stay the same forever; you want to connect and build intimacy and passion as you continue to grow as people and spouses. Provided she understands/is concerned, you might ask if she'd be willing to work on it together, as friends, lovers, and life partners. That might be enough for one conversation, so you may propose each giving it and possible steps for the future some thought, then scheduling another time to share in the near future. In other words, your goals for this conversation would be essentially to reconnect, reinforce the positives, clarify your feelings without putting a blaming/negative spin on it, root out her true perspective, and suggest approaching this as you have other things in life: as best friends and partners.

Hopefully a conversation like this will open up communication and yield good results. Either way, you might want to consider counseling (even individual if she refuses).

 

[raven2]

I guess I need to give a little more info to clarify some things. In all the other areas of our marriage it's great. We do have one daughter but all of this started 2 years before she was born. I think she has gotten it in her head that it is sinful or maybe she is being immature for trying things sexually. She has went from a multipul orgasims and sex 4 or 5 times a week to a weekly schedual of maybe 1 time a week. I think it is because she has become heavily involved in church. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with church but I think she is taking it waaaaaaaaaay to far. When we talk about it she acts like she is ashamed of the things we used to do...... Maybe I am just beating my head against a wall ............. I just want the old wife back. I have talked about it until I am blue in the face with her .............. I was hoping there might be others who have went thru this and might give me a little insight.........

Welcome to marriage! Same thing happened to me.

 

[SweetErika]

You said that she told you it was because things change when you get older.

You said that she acts like she is ashamed of your "old" sex life.

You said that you think it is because of church.

Well, which is it?

What she says, how you think she acts, are some other thing that you suspect is the true cause?

Or do her reasons change? Do you maybe get the feling that she is ggrasping for reasons and that maybe she doesn't even understand why?

Or maybe she is making excuses?

Is it sex she isn't interested in, or sex with YOU she isn't interested in?

Why are you frustrated with the posts offered? Some of us have been through similar experiences. Some of us have offered the best insight we could.

What did you want, a "tickle behind her left knee to turn her horny switch back on"?

Mr. Mann, I've gotten the impression you're a smart, compassionate fellow, but don't know your posting style well enough to know what your intent/tone is with this one. Keeping in mind this could be a huge misinterpretation, it strikes me as accusatory and pretty harsh, though I can't figure out the basis for that. I guess I don't see why it can only be what she's said, how she acts, or his interpretation of such, or where jeep said he was frustrated with the responses. Am I way off, or what am I missing?

 

[GldnAngl]

While Mr. Mann's "femifascist" talk is shameful, he does make some very good points: the marriage relationship is not a queendom where the wife gets to call all of the shots. It is a partnership, and both partners have to be able to give and take. It is silliness, of course, to expect either partner to just give into the other partner's sex drive. But, if one partner is continually shutting the other partner down, then it is worth the effort to look at other issues going on in the relationship *outside* of the bedroom. *Both* partners need to be willing to do the work necessary to keep the relationship afloat.

 

[SweetErika]

Welcome to marriage! Same thing happened to me.

So no sex, or a shitty sex life, is something that's just part of the marriage package?

Isn't that kind of like saying, "I became impotent when I turned 45. That's just what happens to guys over 40, and we just have to live with it"? That's pretty silly considering there are plenty of men over 40 who function perfectly well, and are a fair number of treatments for ED, don't you think?

 

[Norajane]

I guess I need to give a little more info to clarify some things. In all the other areas of our marriage it's great. We do have one daughter but all of this started 2 years before she was born. I think she has gotten it in her head that it is sinful or maybe she is being immature for trying things sexually. She has went from a multipul orgasims and sex 4 or 5 times a week to a weekly schedual of maybe 1 time a week. I think it is because she has become heavily involved in church. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with church but I think she is taking it waaaaaaaaaay to far. When we talk about it she acts like she is ashamed of the things we used to do...... Maybe I am just beating my head against a wall ............. I just want the old wife back. I have talked about it until I am blue in the face with her .............. I was hoping there might be others who have went thru this and might give me a little insight.........

Church, sin, and shame, huh? I've never gone through anything like that, but I wonder why that's become more important to her than multiple orgasms with her husband? Maybe if you started going to church with her, you'd better understand what's going on with her?

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Church, sin, and shame, huh? I've never gone through anything like that, but I wonder why that's become more important to her than multiple orgasms with her husband? Maybe if you started going to church with her, you'd better understand what's going on with her?

God is big on sex if he wasn't then he would have not made marriage and family the second institution for us, work is number one. I could easily see the sin and shame cards played though. But is my interpetation is that as long as your married and you both cool with the activiy then God is cool to. This view does factor in the sexual sins from the OT like incest and beyond... not sure he would look favorably on that no matter what. Trouble is too many people go to church and never read and investigate for themselves what they think he is trying to say if they would then maybe some of the sexual repression of the US would not be here.

 

[incubus'_sub]

I'm with most of the others, marriage is for both partners & your wife is talking rubbish. I'd say that you're right, the church thing has changed her. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

Obviously, you are able to satisfy your wife, because you were able to previously. You're doing all the romantic things but you're being too patient with her, too obliging in letting her get away with this stuff. OK, you love her so far, but if this goes on I can assure you that the outside world & other women will start to appeal. Trouble is, then you'd be the worst bastard in the world in so many eyes, probably including your own.

Stop talking with her & trying to reason with her, you're up against GOD here lol. Tell her your point of view, explain your need & right to be happy too & demand (yes, demand) that she play her part in the marriage too. If she wants to be a nun, fine, but she can't shackle you to celibacy too. She really does have to make her choice & you have to make her make it.

BTW, I'm female & women like this really annoy me.

 

[GldnAngl]

I'm with most of the others, marriage is for both partners & your wife is talking rubbish. I'd say that you're right, the church thing has changed her. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

Obviously, you are able to satisfy your wife, because you were able to previously. You're doing all the romantic things but you're being too patient with her, too obliging in letting her get away with this stuff. OK, you love her so far, but if this goes on I can assure you that the outside world & other women will start to appeal. Trouble is, then you'd be the worst bastard in the world in so many eyes, probably including your own.

Stop talking with her & trying to reason with her, you're up against GOD here lol. Tell her your point of view, explain your need & right to be happy too & demand (yes, demand) that she play her part in the marriage too. If she wants to be a nun, fine, but she can't shackle you to celibacy too. She really does have to make her choice & you have to make her make it.

BTW, I'm female & women like this really annoy me.

How do you "demand" someone act a certain way, though?

 

[incubus'_sub]

Ok, you state your views on the matter firmly. This poor guy has done everything right so far by the sound of things. He's done the talking it out with her to no avail. What this wife needs to know is that her choices are choices about her own life, she has no right to inflict them on her husband as they affect him quite a lot. So far she has gotten away with it & no doubt would be the first to scream blue murder if he did look elsewhere & as she probably sees herself as very righteous, it would be his fault & his alone.

She has to be told, yes told, that there are consequences to her behaviour and that it is just as dangerous to her marriage as she would see infidelity to be. She will be horrified, she will resist, but if this man wants to stay in his marriage & be faithful, and it seems he does, then he has to get up & do this. But & it's a big but, he has to mean it.

 

[GldnAngl]

Ok, you state your views on the matter firmly. This poor guy has done everything right so far by the sound of things. He's done the talking it out with her to no avail. What this wife needs to know is that her choices are choices about her own life, she has no right to inflict them on her husband as they affect him quite a lot. So far she has gotten away with it & no doubt would be the first to scream blue murder if he did look elsewhere & as she probably sees herself as very righteous, it would be his fault & his alone.

Wow.

You're making some pretty bold assumptions about this woman whom you have never met. I am not saying he's lying by any stretch of the imagination, but remember that there are three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

She has to be told, yes told, that there are consequences to her behaviour and that it is just as dangerous to her marriage as she would see infidelity to be. She will be horrified, she will resist, but if this man wants to stay in his marriage & be faithful, and it seems he does, then he has to get up & do this. But & it's a big but, he has to mean it.

That is what it all boils down to, isn't it? I mean, we can spout advice all day long, but when it comes down to it, he has to live with the consequences of *his* actions, too. We get off scot-free.

 

[Mr. Mann]

Mr. Mann, I've gotten the impression you're a smart, compassionate fellow, but don't know your posting style well enough to know what your intent/tone is with this one. Keeping in mind this could be a huge misinterpretation, it strikes me as accusatory and pretty harsh, though I can't figure out the basis for that. I guess I don't see why it can only be what she's said, how she acts, or his interpretation of such, or where jeep said he was frustrated with the responses. Am I way off, or what am I missing?

My point was that he nees to really try to figure out what is going on while also realizing that she may not be able to tell him accurately because she doesn't understand, or she may even have things to hide...... and he needs to be ready to put some hard work into it things, there aren't simple answers, and the answers may not be what he wants to hear.

I apologize if that came of as harsh. It wasn't my intent to be harsh or accusatory.

I was going more for a "direct, no BS" kind of thing. In retrospect, I should have articulated things better.

 

[Mr. Mann]

While Mr. Mann's "femifascist" talk is shameful......

I'll stand by that one. And here I do NOT refer to Feminists who support equal treatment, etc.

With the term "femifascists" I refer to those man-haters who would propose that a wife shouldn't try to meet her husband's sexual needs... who would demand all sorts of understanding and concessions on the part of the husband, but who would advocate the wife make none out of consideration for him and would vilify men in general for his expecting it.

A "femifascist" such as I described above WOULD want to roast my jumblies over a fire for suggesting that a wife try to meet a husband's sexual needs even if her desire were absent for whatever reason.

 

[Mr. Mann]

Nah... in retrospect, I'll apologize for the femifascist remark, too.

That is how I feel on the matter. However, I may have my radar set a little too sensitve on that, as well.

No one here posted anything to that effect and I shouldn't have expected someone to.

It was poor form of me, and I apologize.

 

[vanelane]

So, once a week. Then does she get into in and enjoy it? Or does she act like she's fulfilling her wifely duty and she has determined that the quota is once a week? I agree, communication is the key. I also say the we change as we get older line is untrue, but that doesn't mean she doesn't believe it. If you think it's the church thing, would a conversation with whoever she respects the most at the church help? My God puts no limits on the sexual pleasures of a married couple together, but maybe she thinks hers does?

 

[vanelane]

Nah... in retrospect, I'll apologize for the femifascist remark, too.

That is how I feel on the matter. However, I may have my radar set a little too sensitve on that, as well.

No one here posted anything to that effect and I shouldn't have expected someone to.

It was poor form of me, and I apologize.

Apology accepted. This is Lit, after all. Don't think the ladies of Lit have any femifascist tendencies.

 

[silverwhisper]

jeepinguy: i think the question re: the quality of your sex life when it does happen is a significant one. perhaps the mrs. is feeling guilty over your previous sexual life?

ed

 

[SweetErika]

My point was that he nees to really try to figure out what is going on while also realizing that she may not be able to tell him accurately because she doesn't understand, or she may even have things to hide...... and he needs to be ready to put some hard work into it things, there aren't simple answers, and the answers may not be what he wants to hear.

I apologize if that came of as harsh. It wasn't my intent to be harsh or accusatory.

I was going more for a "direct, no BS" kind of thing. In retrospect, I should have articulated things better.

Thanks for the clarification. For the record, I couldn't agree with you more on the above.