marriage, cohabitation, single...

[EJFan]

i'm just wondering what works for people and why.

i'd love to be in a committed relationship but it seems like i have relationship ADD or something. no matter how attracted i've ever been to someone, i always sabotage the relationship in some way or another because they become annoying (for want of a better word).

personally, i don't ever expect to get married... it's the leading cause of divorce ya know... but i have lived with SO's and have spent more than my share of time as a single guy.

 

[sweetgirl666]

You know..you leave quite a few choices out......I know married people who dont live together!

 

[pleasteasme]

i'm just wondering what works for people and why.

i'd love to be in a committed relationship but it seems like i have relationship ADD or something. no matter how attracted i've ever been to someone, i always sabotage the relationship in some way or another because they become annoying (for want of a better word).

personally, i don't ever expect to get married... it's the leading cause of divorce ya know... but i have lived with SO's and have spent more than my share of time as a single guy.

Not sure if I have relationship ADD....just haven't found anyone *yet* I remain hopeful.

I like the "i don't ever expect to get married... it's the leading cause of divorce" I really need to remember that one!!! Thanks

 

[SweetErika]

i'm just wondering what works for people and why.

i'd love to be in a committed relationship but it seems like i have relationship ADD or something. no matter how attracted i've ever been to someone, i always sabotage the relationship in some way or another because they become annoying (for want of a better word).

personally, i don't ever expect to get married... it's the leading cause of divorce ya know... but i have lived with SO's and have spent more than my share of time as a single guy.

Married, but I would have been just as happy cohabitating forever. As unromantic as it is, one of the main reasons we got married was the financial/legal benefit. Time and experiences have shaped our relationship, not rings or a piece of paper.

EJ, do you think you sabotage the relationship because they become annoying, or do you find things that are annoying in order to avoid making a further commitment or for some other reason?

I don't know about you, but a few times I've caught myself focusing on or looking for things that bother me for one reason or another. Then again, there are some people (even closest friends) who I start to get annoyed with after a few days straight of spending time together.

 

[SueJ]

I love being married.

 

[Lynxie]

I married my husband for the legal, financial, and social benefits - otherwise we would have been content perpetually cohabitating. Most people don't know it, but we actually got married in a town hall 8 months before our 'public' wedding. I have health problems, and it was our only option for getting me insurance at the time. We opted to tell only our immediate families and let everyone else believe that our church ceremony was the real deal - it was more meaningful and real for us, anyway.

 

[Fleatopia]

I'm co-habbing with my boyfriend right now. He's on notice, however. I intend to be with him forever so he needs to get over any mental/emotional issues associated with marriage.

The thing I've noticed is that I have no idea how I'm supposed to fill out financial papers. I applied for federal financial aid just a while ago and then had to make an appointment with the finaid officer at the school to talk it over with her. Switching states, jobs, and living arrangements made for an odd financial year. It's driving me batshit! Next year'll be worse because he's probably going to start supporting me entirely once school starts in September. We'll be at the H&R Block, confuzzled and lost again, when tax time rolls around in 2006.

 

[blkmack]

im married because of the many jack & cokes in vegas last year no really it was the best thing at the time

 

[phoenix1224]

I don't fall under ANY of the poll categories...

 

[SueJ]

I don't fall under ANY of the poll categories...

Oh, poor Phoenix! What category would you fall under?

 

[phoenix1224]

Oh, poor Phoenix! What category would you fall under?

In a committed relationship with plans of cohabitation...

 

[SueJ]

In a committed relationship with plans of cohabitation...

Well that's a very nice place to be.

 

[phoenix1224]

Well that's a very nice place to be.

Yep... It sure is...

 

[Halo_n_horns]

I've always found myself to be extremely good at not screwing up a relationship. Eventually that brought me to marriage. I don't like marriage as much as cohabitation; you go from doing something that you wanted to do to doing something that you have to do because you said you would in front of a bunch of people.

Looking back, cohabitation literally felt so much easier. But, we do have a good time with what we've got.

 

[EJFan]

miscellaneous points

i started this thread late at night (for me) and that's not my best time for collecting thoughts. so here are some clarifications.

what i really wanted to say was that i find people annoying over long periods of time together. whether it's friends, family, SO's or whatever. things like how they chew, their dialect or any other ridiculous/uncontrollable facet gets on my nerves. i'm a much nicer person from a distance. lol.

sweetgirl... good point abot the choices. should i add a "married, not living together" and a "LTR not living together" option???

erika... i'm sure i have some committment-phobia in me. generally i think it's more that i'm too self-absorbed to tolerate the idiosyncracies that make us all so interesting and unique. it's great that we have them but my personal catch-22 is that the things that attract me to someone will, one day, turn me against them.

flea, lynxie and all the others who mentioned legal reasons... how much of a sham do you think marriage is? i understand and respect people's desire to get married. often i think that it might be beneficial to all of us if the gov't would stay out of the marriage business... open civil unions to same-sex couples, revise the tax code and insurance requirements to suit a broader range of people... thoughts?

 

[Lynxie]

flea, lynxie and all the others who mentioned legal reasons... how much of a sham do you think marriage is?

Marriage itself is no sham, in my opinion. The basic concept behind marriage is what's important to me - the public expression of love, commitment, and emotional/spiritual connection between two people.

It's when you bring in the government that you start to encounter problems. I do understand that there is an economical benefit to encouraging heterosexual marriages that result in children. However, I do not agree that it's right to offer married heterosexuals benefits for which others are not eligible. I'm annoyed that I had to be married to be eligible for health care, and I'm annoyed that same-sex couples that have bonds with their partners similar to that of my husband and I cannot have their relationships officially recognized. The government makes the natural order of love far too complicated.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

In a committed relationship with plans of cohabitation...

yeah... that's how it's described for us *smiles*

 

[SweetErika]

i started this thread late at night (for me) and that's not my best time for collecting thoughts. so here are some clarifications.

what i really wanted to say was that i find people annoying over long periods of time together. whether it's friends, family, SO's or whatever. things like how they chew, their dialect or any other ridiculous/uncontrollable facet gets on my nerves. i'm a much nicer person from a distance. lol.

sweetgirl... good point abot the choices. should i add a "married, not living together" and a "LTR not living together" option???

erika... i'm sure i have some committment-phobia in me. generally i think it's more that i'm too self-absorbed to tolerate the idiosyncracies that make us all so interesting and unique. it's great that we have them but my personal catch-22 is that the things that attract me to someone will, one day, turn me against them.

flea, lynxie and all the others who mentioned legal reasons... how much of a sham do you think marriage is? i understand and respect people's desire to get married. often i think that it might be beneficial to all of us if the gov't would stay out of the marriage business... open civil unions to same-sex couples, revise the tax code and insurance requirements to suit a broader range of people... thoughts?

Okay, thanks for the clarification. I wonder if some of it's just a matter of finding someone you really fit with. I've always been a shocked at how I never get tired of or annoyed with my husband no matter how much time we spend together because that's not the case with anyone else I've come across.

I agree civil unions are a better idea, and have a hard time seeing how the change would hurt anyone.

 

[Fleatopia]

flea, lynxie and all the others who mentioned legal reasons... how much of a sham do you think marriage is?

I don't necessarily think of marriage as a sham. I believe in the idea behind it. Of a union between two people who love each other. Whether it takes place in Vegas with an Elvis presiding or in a traditional church, or just in front of a J.P. doesn't even matter to me. It's... a legitimization of how you feel. Ya know? A legal one.

Emotionally, I want to marry my boyfriend. I really do. I love him in so many different ways and with such strength that I can't see us being apart. I want that legitimization. I want to introduce him as my husband and get that warm fuzzy when I do so. It's also a security thing. Marriage represents a partnership in my mind and as such has more weight to it than just living together or achieving "Domestic Partner" status so that I can be covered by his insurance at work. A partnership is solid and dependable and it can be wonderful or horrible depending on the day. But you don't just give up on a partnership. You work for it. This whole "Domestic Partner" thing is too... ephemeral. In my dark, moody, PMS moments it even scares me a little. I pulled up all of my roots and moved a thousand miles from my family and friends to be with him, sometimes I feel like I need a little reassurance. Would a piece of paper change that? Intellectually? No. Emotionally? Hell yeah.

When I'm not blithely confident in our relationship and the future we have together I'm terrified that I'll screw it up and/or drive him away somehow. No in-betweens with me!

 

[Munachi]

well what i am is just single.

what works for me - no idea. in all my life i have either been single, or in very short termed relationships, or in long term and long distance relationships. well, i once lived for three months with said long term and distance relationship, and it didn't work too well, but there were reasons for that, and it got better after a while (but then i had to go back home).

right now being single works fine. actually, the only thing i mind about it right now is the lack of sex, else i don't feel like i want a boyfriend, and whenever i like a guy i very quickly realize that i can't imagine actually being with him in any serious way.

i guess if i was living with someone, or married, or in a not living together serious relationship, i'd be fine with that too - i think there is not one thing that works for me, but several, depending on where i am in life... it changes... and of course, trying to make most of whatever is just going on right at the moment...

as for the marriage discussion - with my ex i sometimes thought i did wnat to marry him some day. and i still like the idea of getting married some day though a happy relationship without getting married would be fine too... there is a certain symbolism to marriage that i like, however...

 

[pleasteasme]

i understand and respect people's desire to get married. often i think that it might be beneficial to all of us if the gov't would stay out of the marriage business...

Can I just add an "amen?!"

Especially now....nearing the 15th of April.....and being single....and very few tax breaks at all!!!! *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

I guess, at this point in my very single life.....all I can see is a tax benefit....well, there are some other benefits that would be enjoyable....

 

[EJFan]

Can I just add an "amen?!"

Especially now....nearing the 15th of April.....and being single....and very few tax breaks at all!!!! *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

yeah. i just think that if a couple wants to get married, it's for two reasons. either they're doing it for religious reasons (which is not something the gov't should be part of) or they're doing it because it's socially acceptable/expected (also not under the government's purvue).

again, and this is very important, I DON'T THINK IT'S SILLY TO GET MARRIED and I DON'T THINK IT'S WRONG/UNACCEPTABLE. it just seems that there's too much legislation surrounding the institution. of course, this isn't really the point of the thread but i wanted to say that.

to me, marriage is a dated concept for much of society. i know there's no shortage of happily married couples and i know it's a fine prospect. it's just that the reasons for marriage seem so peripheral now. women aren't "property" and they aren't handed from daddy to husband... they don't need the legal protection that marriage created. churches seem to encourage marriage, largely, as a recruitment tool... gotta keep the donations rolling in and the membership rising ya know.

if, hypothetically, there was no legal/financial benefit to marriage and if you're an athiest (or don't abide by church doctrines on marriage) would you still opt to get married? or would a civil union or living together be more appealing?

 

[Willing and Unsure]

if, hypothetically, there was no legal/financial benefit to marriage and if you're an athiest (or don't abide by church doctrines on marriage) would you still opt to get married? or would a civil union or living together be more appealing?

I've been reading this thread, and I'm an atheist, so this is an easy one to answer for me. A civil union would be just fine by me. I have a feeling that when I do get married it will be done in a courthouse. I would say that living together would appealing, but that only lasts for so long before I would start to crave more of a commitment, and I find that's the way it is for many people, not just me.

 

[EJFan]

I've been reading this thread, and I'm an atheist, so this is an easy one to answer for me.

yay atheism... lol... i'm a devout one myself. i used to be an agnostic but then i realized i was just in denial.

 

[BTK51]

churches seem to encourage marriage, largely, as a recruitment tool... gotta keep the donations rolling in and the membership rising ya know.
QUOTE]

Been married a long time and I always viewed marriage as a religious institution with legal ramifications. I asked my wife to marry me because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and wanted to make that vow before God. Thankfully (most times lol) she wanted to also.

If I was not religious or didn't want the religious aspect, I think that I would have taken some formal vow and wanted the protection that the laws gave us but deep down, it wouldn't have really made a bit of difference.

I so disagree with your view that it is being used as a recruitment tool. Being Catholic, I see the Church trying to make sure that they get married (in the Church) for the right reasons.