Mama Blu's

[blulilacgrl]

In a lot of cases, I would say using the terms "fuck buddy" or "friends with benefits" can serve one of two purposes: Prettying up a completely casual situation in which there are no feelings beyond sex (booty call) or creating a circumstance where you don't have to invest emotionally in the relationship (emotional armor) and can plausibly argue (at least in your head) it means nothing should it not work, ie we didn't break up because we weren't really together.

In my opinion, if you are doing all the things you would do with a friend (hanging out together and socializing) plus you are sleeping with her, you should own it and embrace her as your girlfriend because that is what she is...leaving it vague and ambiguous can create more problems than it helps but no one really knows what their responsibilities and duties are and feelings can get hurt.

And this is why I love you so much!

You tend to cut through the verbal bullshit and get to the heart of the matter.

I agree, Papa, but what if you don't want a girlfriend? (or boyfriend?) but you still want to have fun?



I'm totally with ya on that one....I say it all the time! The problem lies in the fact that if you say what you mean and mean what you say, the other person runs for the hills!

Honesty is something very few people have the stomach for, even if they say they want it.

Then those are the people that need to run from me. Damn it, I have too much going on in my life to deal with wiping somebody else's ass.

 

[JoyDyan]

And this is why I love you so much!

You tend to cut through the verbal bullshit and get to the heart of the matter.




Then those are the people that need to run from me. Damn it, I have too much going on in my life to deal with wiping somebody else's ass.

I'll be your girlfriend, Papa....but you said you didn't have any crushes. sigh. Foiled again.


Those are ALWAYS the people who run from me, Blu! I'm honest to a fault. I'd like to find the same quality in someone else, but damn! people are so freaking squirrelly! lol!

 

[papadoc19]

I agree, Papa, but what if you don't want a girlfriend? (or boyfriend?) but you still want to have fun?



I'm totally with ya on that one....I say it all the time! The problem lies in the fact that if you say what you mean and mean what you say, the other person runs for the hills!

Honesty is something very few people have the stomach for, even if they say they want it.

I guess my question is why don't you want to define it? If we are for all intents and purposes dating plus we are having sex (on multiple occasions), why wouldn't you want to be his girlfriend or him be your boyfriend? It is what is whether you want to say it or not...better that it be out there so each person knows what to expect.

 

[wombat9966]

Those are ALWAYS the people who run from me, Blu! I'm honest to a fault. I'd like to find the same quality in someone else, but damn! people are so freaking squirrelly! lol!

Fine then Joy..If you don't mind realllllly long distance relationships that are probably never ever going to get physical, I will be your Boyfriend.

Oh and I have been told I give great type so just throwing that out there if that helps

 

[blulilacgrl]

I guess my question is why don't you want to define it? If we are for all intents and purposes dating plus we are having sex (on multiple occasions), why wouldn't you want to be his girlfriend or him be your boyfriend? It is what is whether you want to say it or not...better that it be out there so each person knows what to expect.

Score one for Papa!

Keeping in mind that girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't mean fiance/e.. it means two people engaging in a relationship that involves monogamous sex.

Or do I have that wrong?

 

[papadoc19]

I'll be your girlfriend, Papa....but you said you didn't have any crushes. sigh. Foiled again.

*Cuddles*

I am not sure how much weight crushes here carry but I do consider you to be a very special friend, Joy.

 

[JoyDyan]

I guess my question is why don't you want to define it? If we are for all intents and purposes dating plus we are having sex (on multiple occasions), why wouldn't you want to be his girlfriend or him be your boyfriend? It is what is whether you want to say it or not...better that it be out there so each person knows what to expect.

Score one for Papa!

Keeping in mind that girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't mean fiance/e.. it means two people engaging in a relationship that involves monogamous sex.

Or do I have that wrong?

girlfriend/boyfriend implies (there is that implication again!) a commitment to the relationship that isn't there.

If I'm 'dating' someone - by your definition and Papa's, that's socializing and going out to places together, or even just hanging around at home watching TV - and having a physical relationship with them, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not still looking for someone who may be more compatible. If I say, I have a boyfriend, that implies that I'm not longer looking and am in a committed relationship.

Exclusivity when it comes to sex doesn't mean that either partner gives up looking...I liked hanging out with my recent fuck buddy, and I sure did like having sex with him, but he's not the guy I want to be with forever. Putting a label on it like "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" restricts that relationship to just that one person, and neither of us was committed to stopping the search for someone more suited for either of us.

Put it this way - Papa, if you approach a chick at the grocery store and ask if she's seeing someone, and she says, yes, I have a boyfriend, do you continue to pursue her? No...because even though she may have a fuck buddy that she likes dating, the fact that she said she has a "boyfriend" means she is *taken* and no longer looking. You see?

Fine then Joy..If you don't mind realllllly long distance relationships that are probably never ever going to get physical, I will be your Boyfriend.

Oh and I have been told I give great type so just throwing that out there if that helps

Dammit!!
I'd take you up on that, but I certainly need at least the *possibility* of physicality at some point - without a 23-hour plane ride

Awfully sweet of ya, though, Wombat - you almost had me!

 

[JoyDyan]

*Cuddles*

I am not sure how much weight crushes here carry but I do consider you to be a very special friend, Joy.

Awwww....see? Now all is forgiven

 

[wombat9966]

Dammit!!
I'd take you up on that, but I certainly need at least the *possibility* of physicality at some point - without a 23-hour plane ride

Awfully sweet of ya, though, Wombat - you almost had me!

Ahh hell. Now i really have to start seriously considering moving.

 

[papadoc19]

girlfriend/boyfriend implies (there is that implication again!) a commitment to the relationship that isn't there.

If I'm 'dating' someone - by your definition and Papa's, that's socializing and going out to places together, or even just hanging around at home watching TV - and having a physical relationship with them, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not still looking for someone who may be more compatible. If I say, I have a boyfriend, that implies that I'm not longer looking and am in a committed relationship.

Exclusivity when it comes to sex doesn't mean that either partner gives up looking...I liked hanging out with my recent fuck buddy, and I sure did like having sex with him, but he's not the guy I want to be with forever. Putting a label on it like "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" restricts that relationship to just that one person, and neither of us was committed to stopping the search for someone more suited for either of us.

Put it this way - Papa, if you approach a chick at the grocery store and ask if she's seeing someone, and she says, yes, I have a boyfriend, do you continue to pursue her? No...because even though she may have a fuck buddy that she likes dating, the fact that she said she has a "boyfriend" means she is *taken* and no longer looking. You see?

I don't believe you saying you have a boyfriend implies that you are not longer looking...plenty of people date without it turning into a marriage...boyfriends/girlfriends come and go.

Based on your scenario you presented, it would depend on her reaction...if she completely shot me down I would move on...but if she gave me her number and a sign that she was receptive I would could...to quote Beyonce, it is not like he put a ring on it (I hate myself for that).

 

[JoyDyan]

I don't believe you saying you have a boyfriend implies that you are not longer looking...plenty of people date without it turning into a marriage...boyfriends/girlfriends come and go.

Based on your scenario you presented, it would depend on her reaction...if she completely shot me down I would move on...but if she gave me her number and a sign that she was receptive I would could...to quote Beyonce, it is not like he put a ring on it (I hate myself for that).

Maybe because I'm looking at my perspective - to me, if a guy says he has a girlfriend, he is taken.

And if I had a boyfriend, and he told some ho that he had a girlfriend and she still asked for his phone number, that bitch is getting the smackdown! lol!

 

[papadoc19]

Maybe because I'm looking at my perspective - to me, if a guy says he has a girlfriend, he is taken.

And if I had a boyfriend, and he told some ho that he had a girlfriend and she still asked for his phone number, that bitch is getting the smackdown! lol!

What if he says he has a girlfriend and stills pursues you? Or if he said no I am not seeing anyone...I do have a fuck buddy? How would you react to those situations?

 

[JoyDyan]

What if he says he has a girlfriend and stills pursues you? Or if he said no I am not seeing anyone...I do have a fuck buddy? How would you react to those situations?

If he says he has a girlfriend and then asks for my phone number, he'll probably get a nasty look and then the back of me when I stalk off...."girlfriend" means taken, and cheaters are not my type.

If he says, I'm not seeing anyone, but I do have a fuck buddy....ok. I've been there, and I understand that it meets a physical need. But if he decides to date me, he's gonna have to put that on hold.

I'm not gonna say that I've never broken that monogamous-fuck-buddy thing - but in that situation, both of them knew about the other, and they were both ok with it.

 

[JagFarlane]

Hmmm I tend to find the term "fuck-buddy" used by two different groups:
1) Players who are looking to always have a backup while he or she plays the field

2) People who are looking to avoid the emotional commitment. This doesn't necessarily mean like someone above, but more tends to be people who are coming out of a long term, emotionally draining relationship. Good example is someone coming out of a bad divorce, they don't want the emotions but they miss the sex and sometimes just having someone laying in the bed with them.
The other group that used it to avoid emotional commitment tend to be people with high time demands due to school and/or work. Seems to happen a lot with people like engineering students, medical students during residency, junior account managers at banks, so on. These are people who are already getting a lack of sleep and a high emotional drain from their careers so chancing the emotional rollercoaster that an actual relationship can bring is something they try to avoid.

Interestingly enough, most of the people I knew who were into having fuck buddies, tended to be female of either college age or over 40. There was a theory floating around at one point that part of the reason women of college age were willing had part to do with the growing imbalance in men vs women at colleges. Overal nationally we're something like 60/40 split more women than men but some colleges are closer to 90/10 anymore. Hell my major is 92% women.

 

[JoyDyan]

Hmmm I tend to find the term "fuck-buddy" used by two different groups:
1) Players who are looking to always have a backup while he or she plays the field

2) People who are looking to avoid the emotional commitment. This doesn't necessarily mean like someone above, but more tends to be people who are coming out of a long term, emotionally draining relationship. Good example is someone coming out of a bad divorce, they don't want the emotions but they miss the sex and sometimes just having someone laying in the bed with them.
The other group that used it to avoid emotional commitment tend to be people with high time demands due to school and/or work. Seems to happen a lot with people like engineering students, medical students during residency, junior account managers at banks, so on. These are people who are already getting a lack of sleep and a high emotional drain from their careers so chancing the emotional rollercoaster that an actual relationship can bring is something they try to avoid.

Interestingly enough, most of the people I knew who were into having fuck buddies, tended to be female of either college age or over 40. There was a theory floating around at one point that part of the reason women of college age were willing had part to do with the growing imbalance in men vs women at colleges. Overal nationally we're something like 60/40 split more women than men but some colleges are closer to 90/10 anymore. Hell my major is 92% women.

I am between #1 and #2.

I like a back-up - during dating dry spells, it's good to know I'm still gonna get some.

But I don't have a lot of time to spend on relationships, either. I'm a full time student, work full time, and am still caring for a house and two teenagers. This eats up about 90% of my time. I spend about 5% sleeping and driving. The other 5% is dedicated to a social life.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I am between #1 and #2.

I like a back-up - during dating dry spells, it's good to know I'm still gonna get some.

But I don't have a lot of time to spend on relationships, either. I'm a full time student, work full time, and am still caring for a house and two teenagers. This eats up about 90% of my time. I spend about 5% sleeping and driving. The other 5% is dedicated to a social life.

What social life?

 

[JoyDyan]

What social life?

All of those men! lol...the ones banging down my door

 

[1sickbastard]

All of those men! lol...the ones banging down my door

Is that a metaphor?

 

[JoyDyan]

Is that a metaphor?

I wish

 

[blulilacgrl]

Cover Charge Mon 1/21

Sorry for the silence, guys. Been a busy past few days.

But I am back for the night. And I have a great cover charge question. Of course it starts with a bit of a background story...

A long time ago, I was involved with a guy. Great guy. Sweet (or so I thought), funny, charming and oh my God, the most delicious accent you have ever heard. Except that after a while, I noticed that he only seemed to come around when he needed something. The standard term is 'booty call', is it not? I swear it took me almost a year to be able to stop giving in every time he called around. It was so damn easy to slide back into that moment and take pleasure from it. But the truth was every morning after I loathed myself. I felt like trash, good enough to fuck but not be friends with. It was not a good situation for me and I would like to think that I learned from it. That, in walking away from it, I grew stronger.

I can't be the only one who has a tale like this. Who has had to find a way to say no to something that feels good in the moment but afterwards just eats away at the person you are, or more importantly the person you want to be. So that's the cover for tonight... what was the worst relationship you ever had? You don't have to name names or go into specifics... just share what you feel comfortable sharing. I think there are a lot of people on here in the middle of just such a situations and who might be helped by knowing they aren't the only one going through it.

So think of it as your good deed. A good deed that gets you a drink.

Blu

 

[papadoc19]

*Leaves a big hug for you, Blu*

 

[blulilacgrl]

*Leaves a big hug for you, Blu*

Awww.. just a hug? *pout*

 

[JoyDyan]

Sorry for the silence, guys. Been a busy past few days.

But I am back for the night. And I have a great cover charge question. Of course it starts with a bit of a background story...

A long time ago, I was involved with a guy. Great guy. Sweet (or so I thought), funny, charming and oh my God, the most delicious accent you have ever heard. Except that after a while, I noticed that he only seemed to come around when he needed something. The standard term is 'booty call', is it not? I swear it took me almost a year to be able to stop giving in every time he called around. It was so damn easy to slide back into that moment and take pleasure from it. But the truth was every morning after I loathed myself. I felt like trash, good enough to fuck but not be friends with. It was not a good situation for me and I would like to think that I learned from it. That, in walking away from it, I grew stronger.

I can't be the only one who has a tale like this. Who has had to find a way to say no to something that feels good in the moment but afterwards just eats away at the person you are, or more importantly the person you want to be. So that's the cover for tonight... what was the worst relationship you ever had? You don't have to name names or go into specifics... just share what you feel comfortable sharing. I think there are a lot of people on here in the middle of just such a situations and who might be helped by knowing they aren't the only one going through it.

So think of it as your good deed. A good deed that gets you a drink.

Blu

Right there. That.

Beer, please. If I drink enough that I can't drive, I might have to stay home instead of going out and getting into trouble.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Right there. That.

Beer, please. If I drink enough that I can't drive, I might have to stay home instead of going out and getting into trouble.

For my Banana!

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTobQTYc58SZcG_SgMbIDpRhIIwwmBubplm7nhy6PVQSNrL0Q2G

 

[JoyDyan]

For my Banana!

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTobQTYc58SZcG_SgMbIDpRhIIwwmBubplm7nhy6PVQSNrL0Q2G

*Gag!*

It's the thought that counts, right?

Thanks, BOB