Making it last

[lennythelion]

Last night I got involved in a conversation with some vanilla people about D&S. Some maintained that "living a fantasy" is not possible in the long-run. I pointed out that some people live it as a lifestyle, but I am interested in knowing if there are couples who "indulge occasionally", say on a monthly date night or whatever, whether it is something separate from the home (is carried out in a neutral place) or not, and how long you have been doing this. Thanks in advance.

 

[graceanne]

Last night I got involved in a conversation with some vanilla people about D&S. Some maintained that "living a fantasy" is not possible in the long-run. I pointed out that some people live it as a lifestyle, but I am interested in knowing if there are couples who "indulge occasionally", say on a monthly date night or whatever, whether it is something separate from the home (is carried out in a neutral place) or not, and how long you have been doing this. Thanks in advance.

I've been married for twelve years and in a D/s relationship for several years - I'm not sure exactly how many. I do not consider my life to be 'living a fantasy', and that is probably where you and your friends are making a mistake. 24/7 is not like what you read about. It's a lot like normal life but with the power exchange spelled out and agreed upon. And with kinky sex, musn't forget that part. We do everything that other people do. We get up, make coffee, get kids ready, take them to school, clean the house, make dinner, put kids to bed, etc. We even have quickies, cause sometimes that's all we have time/energy for.

 

[sb2009]

what she said LOL

seriously, though - we've been married 14 years (in week or so) and we've had the typical ups and downs. Even a few years where sex was pretty non-existant. But that happens to people sometimes, even in the best of circumstances.

If you ever saw us, you'd see an average couple, he just happens to hold the power and I really find submitting to be how I feel whole.

As much as it pains me (don't read Graceanne!) lots of really religious people I know have a TPE relationship and don't know it - even using words like 'submission' etc. That's a kick in the gut form irreverant me, seeing D/s played out in the type of people I grew up around and vowed I'd never be like LOL

But we like the kinky sex, too ;-)

 

[graceanne]

As much as it pains me (don't read Graceanne!) lots of really religious people I know have a TPE relationship and don't know it - even using words like 'submission' etc.

Actually, I've said that same thing several times. Me and K prayed a lot about this before we did it, and we feel it's biblically sound and okay with God.

 

[Bandit58]

Last night I got involved in a conversation with some vanilla people about D&S. Some maintained that "living a fantasy" is not possible in the long-run. I pointed out that some people live it as a lifestyle, but I am interested in knowing if there are couples who "indulge occasionally", say on a monthly date night or whatever, whether it is something separate from the home (is carried out in a neutral place) or not, and how long you have been doing this. Thanks in advance.

A mistake a lot of people make is they think a D/s or M/s relationship is all about the whips and chains and bondage and kinky sex 24/7 - when really all it is is a relationship where one is in charge and the other serves to the best of their ability.

Although Sir would probably say I am too cheeky to be a submissive There are times when I must take charge, especially when it comes to His health. I take care of our finances and make sure our bills are paid on time, I set up/take down a haemodialysis machine and stick needles in Sir three days a week. I make sure He has His meds and on top of that all the other daily chores that need doing.

We've been together for 6 years and our 3rd wedding anniversary is tomorrow

 

[lennythelion]

We've been together for 6 years and our 3rd wedding anniversary is tomorrow

Happy Anniversary Bandit58 and Gil_T2!

Thanks to all who have responded so far. It makes me realise that I have not been very clear in what I said. It's sort of difficult to summarise a 2-hr conversation into a few lines. Let me try again.

Graceanne, I don't consider 24/7 D/s to be "living a fantasy" either. In fact, I firmly believe that it is the existence of such relationships which make D/s a lifestyle choice on a par with, say, vegetarianism, in my book. ;-) That was the point I was trying to make to the people I was talking to. I am very sorry that what I said implied otherwise.

The conversation did broach the subject of power exchange and - sb2009 - someone else did say that probably there are people living the lifestyle without knowing it. I think that is probably all the more likely with older generations and also particular religious leanings.

I'm very happy to learn how people do live it lifestyle, and learn the different ways in which they do. I am quite new to BDSM but have found it so amazingly liberating that I want to explore further. Sir and I have discussed how it might be worked out, and our first conclusion was that it would probably be something like a date night. This is partly to do with the presence of children, and also probably due to both of us struggling with our post-feminist socialisation. That was what I originally wanted to enquire about, whether there are those who just keep it to the kinky sex, basically.

However, Sir and I are also currently considering a TPE experiment, for a fixed period (for the moment), because we both are inspired by the other, so please keep your examples coming or direct me to a thread that already covers it, if necessary. My apologies if that is the case.

Thanks again.

 

[sb2009]

starting out slowly can't hurt. When we started dating and for years I just figured we had rough/kinky sex. And when the kids came along, of course sex gets regulated to non-kid times.

As far as feminism goes, I'm raging left wing liberal and always have beleived I was equal to anyone else. My submission is about power in our relationship and not because he is a man - I had one fairly serious relationship with a woman before I met my husband and she was definately the top in that one.

But really, everyone has their own take and how they operate. I think it's on Fetlife where there are various categories and one of them is "24/7" and another is "only in the bedroom" so it's not like there is an either or. Or so I've been told....I'm no expert, that's for sure LOL

 

[Dreamliner]

It is simply about TRUST!

You, him....enjoy.

 

[Adakgirl]

HAPPY Anniversary Bandit!

late!

 

[culloden]

We get too bound up (oops!) in definitions such as feminism. It's not about how anyone else defines our lives. It's about living in the way that's right for us. That's not to say social pressures aren't a factor, but it's up to us to choose the balance between them and what we want for ourselves.

 

[lennythelion]

We get too bound up (oops!) in definitions such as feminism. It's not about how anyone else defines our lives. It's about living in the way that's right for us. That's not to say social pressures aren't a factor, but it's up to us to choose the balance between them and what we want for ourselves.

I like the way you say that, culloden, but it does presuppose that we all know what we want and that we are all able to actually separate ourselves from our social conditioning. It sounds good in theory, but reality is very different.

 

[culloden]

I like the way you say that, culloden, but it does presuppose that we all know what we want and that we are all able to actually separate ourselves from our social conditioning. It sounds good in theory, but reality is very different.

That's interesting. I don't understand people who don't know what they want. Sure, there are times when I'm uncertain, but they don't last all that long. I suppose there are a couple of reasons for confusion. First could be ignorance, where the person wants something, but isn't aware that it can exist. This is probably pretty common when people are beginning to explore kink, and it's easily solved given the internet.

The second reason is probably more to the point. We know what want, but we've been told it's wrong and can't reconcile the two. I dated a girl for a couple of years who had big troubles in this area. She'd been raised in a sexually conservative family. Although we often had great sex, nearly as often she felt terribly guilty about it. That as much as anything else drove us apart. Although I understood her issues, I couldn't empathize. I'm very logical, and I'm comfortable with negotiating nuance. That makes it easier for me to decide things and live with the consequences. I guess it's easy to be me.

Edit - On re-reading, I realized that I was talking about me and not addressing your concerns. I don't have the answer for you. But you do. As I heard Werner Ehrhart (Sp? He was the EST guru in the 1980s. A cult leader, but still...) say, "I've got bad news. It's up to you. It's really up to you." It's your life. Live it as you choose. There might be consequences for that. Weigh them against the value of life as you'd like it to be, then decide. And it's not likely the choice is binary. Most choices bring thier own continuum, with extremes on either end and a workable solution in the middle. One extreme might be the rhetoric of our social conditioning, while the other is the most public manifestation of our innermost desires.

Hope that helps. Choices sometimes take courage, and fear holds us back. We get to do this life thing once.

 

[lennythelion]

Choices sometimes take courage, and fear holds us back. We get to do this life thing once.

You are my new hero! (Apart from Sir, of course.)

 

[culloden]

You are my new hero! (Apart from Sir, of course.)

Aww, shucks. Thanks.

I was thinking about this thread last night, particularly about the mention of feminism. Feminism can be as limiting to women as the traditional roles of 1950s were. If, due to feminist pressure, a woman decides to pursue a career on Wall Street that makes her miserable, when what she really wants is to be June Cleever, how has feminism served her?

I think a better model is for women (and men) to freely choose how they live. Springing from a free choice, a woman in a traditional, submissive role can be every bit as great an expression of feminism as one who's become, say, Secretary of State or a Supreme Court justice. The point isn't the role one plays so much as the freedom to choose the role that fits your personality.