Making friends as an adult

[M-Y-Erotica]

I am sure this has been discussed here and elsewhere, but I just cannot find much on it right now.

I have a friend - no really - who is a long way away from me who I have known for a long time has no real friends with her. She has a family - a hubbie and kids - and works full-time, but she just doesn't have any friends. When I talk to her I want to hear about her friend who just had this problem. Or that she's going to see a movie tomorrow with Friend B. Or someone who she can drink a cup of tea with and gossip. But her life is work and family. It's a good life, but I wish more for her. For a time, I thought I could just be that person, but it really is different to have someone physically there. We've discussed this, and I know she would also like to go out more and talk to other adults more, but right now she reads, watched TV, paints, gets on the computer - all alone.

I don't really know how to give advice to her. I'm not that great at making close friends myself. In college she and I had plenty of friends. People are just around and you go out. But when you are married and in a little apartment in a city, you have to actually make an effort. You have to make sure your husband is free to take care of the kids. You have to make sure she is free. Is it just the same as making a date? How do I help?

 

[Willing and Unsure]

One of the things I've found that's helped with meeting people and making new friends is joining a group or something that focuses around an activity you enjoy. This will give a common ground at least to start with for meeting people. Since you said she has kids, does she interact all with some of the other moms of her kids friends? That could be a place for her to start too. Outside of that, I'm drawing a little bit of a blank.

 

[EJFan]

does she WANT friends?

from what i'm reading in your post, it seems like you've identified a wrinkle in her social life but is this an issue for her or is this just your perspective? it could be that the life she has is very fulfilling and exactly what she wants.

if she seems like she's missing something in her life then i'd recommend talking with her about your thoughts and seeing if she actually feels the way you think she does. if you ask her, "do you miss non-family, non-work things in life," or something along those lines then if it actually IS a problem for her it'll give her a window to open up a dialogue about it.

at this point, if she talks then i'd try to help her. if she seems content with what she has i certainly wouldn't say, "ya know... i think you need more friends around you and i think you need to do something outside of your family and work."

 

[Stegral]

I am sure this has been discussed here and elsewhere, but I just cannot find much on it right now.

I have a friend - no really - who is a long way away from me who I have known for a long time has no real friends with her. She has a family - a hubbie and kids - and works full-time, but she just doesn't have any friends. When I talk to her I want to hear about her friend who just had this problem. Or that she's going to see a movie tomorrow with Friend B. Or someone who she can drink a cup of tea with and gossip. But her life is work and family. It's a good life, but I wish more for her. For a time, I thought I could just be that person, but it really is different to have someone physically there. We've discussed this, and I know she would also like to go out more and talk to other adults more, but right now she reads, watched TV, paints, gets on the computer - all alone.

I don't really know how to give advice to her. I'm not that great at making close friends myself. In college she and I had plenty of friends. People are just around and you go out. But when you are married and in a little apartment in a city, you have to actually make an effort. You have to make sure your husband is free to take care of the kids. You have to make sure she is free. Is it just the same as making a date? How do I help?

How can you be so sure she WANTS to "widen her friend list"?
are you sure she isn't scociophobic?
Maybe she likes having a few close trusted friends?
Has she TOLD YOU that she wants this?
Not everyone NEEDS to fit societies standards.. if we did, no one would be unique now would they?
Where you are makes no difference on the ability to "make friends"... it is different for all of us, I have lived in a very busy city, out in the country & all the inbetweens... I personally dispise it when the few I have chose to be very close to decide I "NEED" more... I don't want more I am happy & comfy where I am... I make friends as I WANT TO, do as others dictate I should...
By the sounds of the BLUE part of the quote it almost sounds to me like you are trying to get her away from hubby by showing her life with you would be more "exciting", how does your wife & kids feel about you just "going out"? or are you still single?
You say she is married & has kids, but that she does things "All alone", sorry, but she isn't alone... hubby is near, kids are somewhere (in bed or something depending on age) have you ever thought that due to "her life is her Job & Family" that maybe she actually ENJOYS the solitude?

My Advice... BACK OFF !!!

we all grow different ways... how you 2 were in college when you were single is a different time than now with distance & circumstantual changes falling into the mix she may like the "quiet life" now... it may be the only "me" time she gets & may NOT want to make friends to intrude on this precious time... or you may be seen as someone trying to disrupt her home & family/marriage...

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

Hiya, all very helpful replies, especially as they make me think whether or not I am truly helping her or wishing something for her that she doesn't want. Great, great replies.

To answer a couple of the tons of questions.

1) Yes, she definitely, definitely prefers a small number of close friends to a whole crowd of people. A whole bunch of people she barely knows is a horrible activity for her. The problem is that right now she doesn't have any, not a one, of those close friends near her.

2) I don't know if sociophobic is the right word, but she is much happier with maybe three people she knows well and dislikes meeting new people very much. She and I are both shockingly awful small talkers. Perhaps just "shy" is a fine description.

3) Does she want friends? This is the critical one, right? The answer is yes. She would like to get out a couple times a month for something that isn't work, and it's always nice to talk to some other person in the world than your spouse. This has nothing to do with not loving her husband very much. I like him a lot myself and he's a joy to be around. But she would like to go shopping with someone who really enjoys it. Sometimes she'd like to see a movie and her husband isn't free, and she'd rather not go alone. That sort of thing. That's all we are talking about. The sort of thing quiet, intelligent, nice people have always done with their friends.

So I think some people's concerns are quite valid. I am more outgoing than she, and it is possible I am assuming things she does not want. However, she has herself brought up the topic of wanting to go out more. I have never broached it at all to my recollection (so I can't backoff yet, but I have been warned to back off in the future ). I just thought I would get some advice for intelligent things to say before broaching the topic, or if she brings it up again. I get the impression from her that this is one aspect of her life that she would like to change.

Thanks all!

Oh, and I must say that my apparent inability to express myself is not a good sign for my story writing. Eek!

 

[silverwhisper]

i think that the best steps are to find a group centered around an activity she enjoys. you said she paints. surely if she's in a city, there's a coffee shop or something where like-minded folk meet?

what about online discussion forums? if she's in a decent-sized city, there's bound to be others who also hang in that forum from there or its environs who might be interested in meeting. a number of friends i've made were people w/ whom i first interacted online. one i see for lunch every few weeks. it's a pretty non-threatening way to meet people, b/c in essence you get to "try before you buy" as it were.

ed

 

[amutantman]

like much in life i have found that close friends are overrated. in the end they all,in my experience, shit on you, rip you off, lie, cheat, steal, and whatever else they can to make your life hell. i have even had someone i had known for 12 years do this.

i would much rather have lots of acquantices than friends. having said that i do enjoy doing most things alone anyway.sex NOT included haha

as for advice i agree with the others. find like minded people to associate with. at least with some things in common then you have a chance of building a friendship with someone.

 

[silverwhisper]

mutantman, you've had some pretty crappy friends, man. my sympathies.

ed

 

[amutantman]

mutantman, you've had some pretty crappy friends, man. my sympathies.

ed

yeah thanks. its just life i suppose. dont feel as though i am missing out on anything so therefore i have no need to go out and find friends. i can understand the need of others to want close friends but they are just not for me.

 

[SweetErika]

Sites like Craigslist have a section for Activity Partners. Posting and/or responding to ads might be a great, not-too-threatening way to meet others for things she enjoys with little commitment if they don't click.

Ed's idea of "try before you buy" holds true for me, too; at this stage in my life, I don't have a ton of ways to meet others I have a lot in common with, so the Internet has been a great way to bridge that gap with little risk. Meeting people over the past few years has also helped me let go of some of the shyness, gain confidence and introduced me to new things I really enjoy. Still, I'm very, very much like your friend, M-Y: I'm perfectly (and possibly too ) happy spending time with myself and my best friend (a.k.a. Hubby), shy, and will always opt for quality over quantity when it comes to people. I have quite a few long-standing and long-distance friends, and generally don't feel like anything's lacking in my life -- of course if/when I do, I take initiative and attempt to rectify it.

 

[Private_Label]

3) Does she want friends? This is the critical one, right? The answer is yes. She would like to get out a couple times a month for something that isn't work, and it's always nice to talk to some other person in the world than your spouse. This has nothing to do with not loving her husband very much. I like him a lot myself and he's a joy to be around. But she would like to go shopping with someone who really enjoys it. Sometimes she'd like to see a movie and her husband isn't free, and she'd rather not go alone. That sort of thing. That's all we are talking about. The sort of thing quiet, intelligent, nice people have always done with their friends.

Sounds a lot like my mom, except my mom doesn't care if she has friends or not.

But things she could do that would introduce her to a small number of people in a structured environment:

Take one of those community/continuing education classes. They are usually small (less than 30 people) she doesn't have to initiate conversation, but it would open the door to something in common she could talk about with fellow classmates. After a few weeks if she finds a person that she things she likes, maybe suggest going out for a coffee somewhere, or meet for lunch. When I was in college I met a lady who was returning to school after raising her children (youngest was a preteen) - after class we discovered that we both went to the Student Center food court for lunch and just started going together. I wouldn't call her a close close friend, but she was someone who I could kick stuff around with and ask if she had any experience with things, and she did the same with me. If I was looking for someone to go shopping at the mall with or the like -I don't think we had the same tastes in movies plus she had other family to think about - I could certainly call her and see if she could go with me.

Or find a local hobby group that she has an interest in. Again it could limit the number of people, plus would give a built in conversation starter. Even larger hobby groups often have workshops and such that would have a smaller gathering of memebers. Historical recreation groups and the like have people who study history, some who study textiles such as clothing, weapons of the time, etc...

My mom is so shy that she would not take the coomunity education classes unless I took them with her. I sat through a basic computer class even though I finished the hour long lesson in 10 minutes. Your friend will have to bite the bullet and take the first step to signing up and going to class, or finding out when the hobby group meets, and screwing up her courage to going a few times until gets comfortable around the people.

Hope this helps.

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

Thank you, everyone!

 

[jadefirefly]

Doesn't it suck that as adults, we can't just chat with someone for ten minutes and suddenly be BFF? Kids make friends so easily...

 

[silverwhisper]

so sorry: BFF?

ed

 

[wicked woman]

so sorry: BFF?

ed

Best Friends Forever?

 

[LaDy MiSeRy]

I have the same grpoup of friends I did in h.s. now that were out nothing changed but some of them are 19 or older. Rickory's the loser he works at a&w lol funny job for a goth.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Best Friends Forever?

yup..

 

[cow_parts85]

I have no friends

 

[jadefirefly]

so sorry: BFF?

ed

Yeah. It's Best Friends Forever.

I work with kids. Sorry.

 

[silverwhisper]

ah. i don't, don't have any myself and haven't been one in a few decades...how easily we forget.

as to why that isn't true for grown-ups: b/c we're all cynical and nowhere near as trusting as we were at that age.

ed

 

[molonel]

I've found, ever since leaving college, that making friends as an adult is a time-consuming, often unrewarding and sometimes fruitless task. Particularly as a guy. A lot of folks just ... settle. They give up old dreams. They take care of family and kids - which is obviously a full-time job in and of itself.

Guys suck at friendship, on the whole, anyway. It only gets worse as you get older.

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

I've found, ever since leaving college, that making friends as an adult is a time-consuming, often unrewarding and sometimes fruitless task. Particularly as a guy. A lot of folks just ... settle. They give up old dreams. They take care of family and kids - which is obviously a full-time job in and of itself.

Guys suck at friendship, on the whole, anyway. It only gets worse as you get older.

I think one difference when you get older is the relative importance friends play in your life. When you are a teen or in college, friends are pretty much it. Your family does come first, but at the same time, this is when you are supposed to be learning how to be independent of your family. So the right thing to do, often, at that age is to stand by your friends through thick and thin no matter what. You got their back. Later you get married and that changes. There are always limits on this, but by and large your spouse should come first now. If a friend is making life miserable for your spouse, you no longer have the friend's back, you have to have the spouse's. This gets compounded further by children who generally take precedence even over the spouse. How do we know that? If your spouse is beating your kids, you don't abandon the kids, you abandon the spouse.

I think it is hard for a lot of us to find the space for friends again after we discover these new rankings in our lives. It takes real work and understanding on the friend's part to find space for friendship in this new life. I wonder if this is why it's often more difficult for single people to be great friends with married people. Perhaps they don't get all this as clearly as a married person does or they get it and resent it a little. Just thinking out loud here.

 

[silverwhisper]

i agree that forming legitimate friendships is indeed time-consuming. however, i think it's also problematic b/c as we get older we become less trusting, less eager to bring someone inside the walls. IMX, we're less inclined to share things that perhaps could provide the foundation for closer bonds.

ed

 

[molonel]

I think one difference when you get older is the relative importance friends play in your life. When you are a teen or in college, friends are pretty much it. Your family does come first, but at the same time, this is when you are supposed to be learning how to be independent of your family. So the right thing to do, often, at that age is to stand by your friends through thick and thin no matter what. You got their back. Later you get married and that changes. There are always limits on this, but by and large your spouse should come first now. If a friend is making life miserable for your spouse, you no longer have the friend's back, you have to have the spouse's. This gets compounded further by children who generally take precedence even over the spouse. How do we know that? If your spouse is beating your kids, you don't abandon the kids, you abandon the spouse. I think it is hard for a lot of us to find the space for friends again after we discover these new rankings in our lives. It takes real work and understanding on the friend's part to find space for friendship in this new life. I wonder if this is why it's often more difficult for single people to be great friends with married people. Perhaps they don't get all this as clearly as a married person does or they get it and resent it a little. Just thinking out loud here.

I don't think friendships get less important, as you get older. Obviously, your kids and your spouse rank higher in the grand scheme of things. But how many fall back on that as an excuse? Or how many spouses leverage that as a reason to discourage outside friendships? I've actually overheard, in female discussions around the watercooler at work, females ask each other how someone can LET her man do this or that. I've seen plenty of guys sitting around at the bar, or a restaurant, having fun and talking, and then he gets "the call," turns sheepish, apologizes to everyone, and slinks out quietly with his tail between his legs. It's usually the last time he's seen outside of work.

I'm a gamer. One of the big jokes, when somebody gets married or enters a serious relationship, is, "Well, Bob's in a relationship, now. I guess we should start watching eBay for The Sale."

The Sale, for those of you who don't know what that is, is a large and diverse collection of gaming books, modules, novels and sometimes even dice put on eBay when the SO (significant other) puts her foot down and makes the guy get rid of those things, and "Grow up."

It's not that he doesn't have time. It's beyond whether or not she is more important. That's not the issue.

In my experience, anyway.