Lower the libido?

[FaeryFire]

I know this is a strange site to post this topic on, but I'm not having any luck elsewhere.

So, aside from hormone treatments (because there is nothing wrong with my hormones, I'm just a normal teen, with normal active teen hormones) does anyone know ways to lower the libido? I'm happy to look into anything, but I'm most interested in herbal solutions, or something along those lines.

I've had people suggest to me "have children". Fucking brilliant suggestion for someone who's not having (much) sex. *rolls eyes*

I've basically relied on brainwashing myself up to this point, but it's not working anymore and I'm a real bitch when I'm not getting any, no matter what else I am getting. I'd like to lower (not perminantly), or at least have more control over my own libido - before I destroy our relationship by doing something stupid.

Can anyone help me?

 

[sunandshadow]

Is it safe to assume you masturbate regularly? If you do, you are technically getting plenty of sex, it just might not be the kind you would prefer.

 

[M's girl]

Are you male or female? I assumed from other posts that you are female...

 

[FaeryFire]

I'm female, yup.

As I mentioned, no matter what else I am getting, masterbation, oral, whatever, I'm still a bitch if I'm not having sex. I don't care about technicalities. I'm after practical advice.

It's basically an emotional problem that can be fixed by a physical solution.

 

[M's girl]

Well, it depends on why you are so bitchy. I just read an article in a magazine about men and their libido and the myths surrounding that whole subject.

Women tend to think that men will automatically have a higher libido than they have, because for the longest time that's how it always seemed to be. I'm not going into the whole history of that. But men, although not happily most of the time, are finally admitting to themselves ánd their peers and their women that they don't always feel like fucking, never mind the many times they think about sex during the day.

Sometimes they are just too plain tired for sex. Or something else is going on (stress, health issues and what have you). They have a hard time admitting it (sometimes) because it bruises their male ego. It's a peer-pressure thing.

Women (many) react to the man not wanting sex by thinking it's them. It must be because he does not find her attractive anymore. It must be because he thinks she is overweight. It must be because he thinks her tits are too small or too large. Or it must be because he is fucking someone else or he is thinking about fucking someone else.

And it's not true. Well, generally speaking it's not true. One man said In the article): "during the day I think about sex with my wife at least ten times. And I am sure we are going te have sex that night. Then I come home and she is making dinner. We eat, she washes the dishes while I bathe the kids and put them to bed. After that we clean up the house a bit and by the time we're crashing on the couch with our coffee we are exhausted and all we want to do is go to bed and sleep. Both of us"....


So... that not only happens to women. It's the same for men, only their "not tonight, I have a headache"-stigma is that they are supposed to want it every time, anytime and anywhere. And that's just not how it is.

What I'm trying to say is: do you feel neglected, rejected? Because there might be another reason than what you think for why he does not want to have sex. Plus, men also have this recovery time. Plus no one wants to have sex (I'm not talking cuddling and kissing and being intimate) when they are not sexually aroused at that time. The only difference is: women can, (and will many times) have sex anyway to please their men.. That's harder ( ) for men...

 

[human_male]

This thread is so sad. It's so tragic on so many levels.

Lemme guess... you want sex all the time and you want to experiment with kinky stuff but the bf is really vanilla and once a month is fine with him?

 

[silverwhisper]

for fuck's sake, HM, read the rest of the fucking thread before fucking commenting.

so no, don't guess.

ed

 

[FaeryFire]

Well, without saying anything that might be embarrasing to him (respect for his privacy and all that) he has a lot of baggage from his life that interfears with out sex life. I completely understand what's happening and why, but understanding does not make it any easier. Right now there is no "fixing" him, it's going to take time and patience and I understand that. In the mean time I need something to help me.

I'm bitchy because of 1) the hormones and 2) the feelings constant rejection inevitably give you.

See, I know it's not about me at all. I know that I really am the best thing that has ever happened to him... but after so long and trying so hard your confidance does crumble and it's hard to be as supportive as you need to be. D'u understand where I'm going with this?

HM - what silverwhisper said. *rolls eyes*

 

[Vixandra]

Can understand that FaeryFire.

My husband came to me with quite a few intimacy issues from his prior g/f and it took what felt like forever to get him fully over them. But it was worth it.
*happy grin*

Patience and finding an outlet for that energy is helpful. We are both big anime fans so finding new series to show the other helped channel some of it away. Hiking, running around with friends and computer gaming.

That way we were spending time together, both just us and with others, build more trust and familiarzation into the relationship.

Have you tried telling him how you feel? Like sitting at the table and just hashing it out all in the open? Even if it hurts, sometimes that just has to be done. Hate having those 'talks' but they always end up resolving an issue or five, so they help.

Good luck.

 

[silverwhisper]

vixandra: did computer gaming in turn become an impediment to spending actual time together? i've heard a lot of evercrack widow stories. in fact, this is the first time i've seen a story of using a computer game successfully as a means of spending good time together.

ed

 

[Vixandra]

vixandra: did computer gaming in turn become an impediment to spending actual time together? i've heard a lot of evercrack widow stories. in fact, this is the first time i've seen a story of using a computer game successfully as a means of spending good time together.

ed

He doesn't play MMORPG's, I do but he doesn't. Don't play much anymore, hurts my wrists too much.
Should have specified LAN type games- Starcraft, Warcraft, Worms, and the like. Ohh and the ever fun Unreal Tournment! I love spending time with him and in those first months we were dating, was a hormonal "fuck me now" bitch. Being able to channel some of that energy into other sources helped a lot.

Nothing like a "Head shot" to bring a couple together, lol.
We still enjoy lan parties- we're both computer geeks at heart, lol.
Also now we also play tabletop D&D with a group of friends bout weekly- its good times.

Different things work for differnet couples- my dad and step mom play WOW almost constantly. Its one one of the things they do together.
Its when you're ignoring your partner for that one last level when they've no interest in the game that problems form, imo.

 

[FaeryFire]

We've talked. He wants me to find another partner, someone "better than him" who can "give me what I need". Thing is - he is everything I ever dreamed of having aside from this problem, and I wont leave him. But we've talked, and talked and talked. we are making progress, but it is slow going.

We spend a lot of time together, quality time, and are very open within our relationship, even though we've only been together four years. We're planning our handfasting at the moment.

All I want is something that'll tone down my libido to give him the time he needs to recover. Something that will help me not notice the dry patches quite as much.

 

[FaeryFire]

*laughs* I agree about the LAN games. Warcraft can make most things all better.
I've learned it's better to be allied though, that way victory isn't one-sided and deflated. *whispers* he's a sore loser. *chuckle*

 

[silverwhisper]

faeryfire, i really admire your response to this situation. :>

ed

 

[M's girl]

Well, without saying anything that might be embarrasing to him (respect for his privacy and all that) he has a lot of baggage from his life that interfears with out sex life. I completely understand what's happening and why, but understanding does not make it any easier. Right now there is no "fixing" him, it's going to take time and patience and I understand that. In the mean time I need something to help me.

I'm bitchy because of 1) the hormones and 2) the feelings constant rejection inevitably give you.

See, I know it's not about me at all. I know that I really am the best thing that has ever happened to him... but after so long and trying so hard your confidance does crumble and it's hard to be as supportive as you need to be. D'u understand where I'm going with this?

I think I understand you quite well. More than you know, actually. I asked you my question just for you to think about that option. But if he does have issues (valid reason to lower his sexdrive, by the way) and you know about those, there is not much you can do at this point besides being damned patient and understanding and let him know you will be there for him (listening to him, talking with him and such).

That there is nothing that can't be fixed at this point at all is something I don't agree with. Of course I don't know what is bothering him exactly at this moment, but there is professional help out there.

I'm not in the same position (though similar) because our sexlife is not slowed down due to our situation. But M is having some mental problems due to events that happened and his (in)abilty to cope with those. I understand them. We talk about them. He recognizes them. It also makes him behave in a way, sometimes, that is very difficult for me to deal with. It only affects our sexlife when we have fights (which every couple has every now and then) but not structuraly. But it affects other aspects and that's why he sees and agrees he needs professional help.

Back to you now. If you understand the situation, things are much easier to deal with, is my opinion. So, if you know the why, you will be able to find a way to know how to deal with the how, concerning your differences at this point. I guess you also need to know (I do) that he will work on those issues to try to make things better. If you are certain your sexlife (and his sexdrive) will improve after that, the time until that happens will be much easier to deal with.

If you truelly love him, and find your peace of mind over this, you don't need no pills or treatment to lower your drive/expectations.

 

[FaeryFire]

Why? Because I could just cheat on him and I don't? It's suprising how many people suggest I do just that...
Thanks ed, I apreciate the support.

 

[M's girl]

We've talked. He wants me to find another partner, someone "better than him" who can "give me what I need". Thing is - he is everything I ever dreamed of having aside from this problem, and I wont leave him. But we've talked, and talked and talked. we are making progress, but it is slow going.

We spend a lot of time together, quality time, and are very open within our relationship, even though we've only been together four years. We're planning our handfasting at the moment.

All I want is something that'll tone down my libido to give him the time he needs to recover. Something that will help me not notice the dry patches quite as much.

Recognizable.... I just posted another reply I had made in concept because I wanted M to read (and approve - or not) first. This post (that I quoted) is almost like what we are going through. Again, it's not the sex thing because most of the time things are OK and our sexlife is great. It's just the episodes in between that make it real hard sometimes to keep the faith in that our relationship can last. But now that he's made a resolution to get help we both feel a lot better and think we can cope. I will stand by him. He will get help. I will be patient and he will try harder. It's the best you can do after all the talking helped but not enough....

 

[FaeryFire]

Back to you now. If you understand the situation, things are much easier to deal with, is my opinion. So, if you know the why, you will be able to find a way to know how to deal with the how, concerning your differences at this point. I guess you also need to know (I do) that he will work on those issues to try to make things better. If you are certain your sexlife (and his sexdrive) will improve after that, the time until that happens will be much easier to deal with.

If you truelly love him, and find your peace of mind over this, you don't need no pills or treatment to lower your drive/expectations.

I know my limits. I also know I'm not making it easy for him to be healed when I'm like this.

Mentally I know why it's happening, I know it's not me, I know it takes time. Emotions don't work like this though. It doesn't matter how much I know, and it doesn't stop me getting hurt and me hurting him by resenting the situation.

I'm trying to find a way to deal with this. That's what this thread is all about. The skills I've used up to this point are no longer working.

He can't be "fixed" yet, so to help him and our relationship I need to do something about me.

 

[human_male]

for fuck's sake, HM, read the rest of the fucking thread before fucking commenting.

so no, don't guess.

ed

I have a habit of not doing that.

 

[FaeryFire]

Recognizable.... I just posted another reply I had made in concept because I wanted M to read (and approve - or not) first. This post (that I quoted) is almost like what we are going through. Again, it's not the sex thing because most of the time things are OK and our sexlife is great. It's just the episodes in between that make it real hard sometimes to keep the faith in that our relationship can last. But now that he's made a resolution to get help we both feel a lot better and think we can cope. I will stand by him. He will get help. I will be patient and he will try harder. It's the best you can do after all the talking helped but not enough....

I guess weare at opposite ends then. For us everything is damn near perfect, except this.
He is recovering, but some wounds only time and kindness can heal, and I want to be able to give him that.

 

[human_male]

HM - what silverwhisper said. *rolls eyes*

My appologies.

 

[silverwhisper]

faeryfire: what ways have you already tried to redirect your sexual energy? that might help people who want to be helpful.

ed

 

[FaeryFire]

See, I don't want to redirct my sexual energy. I want to stop it damn near completely.

We find ways to be intimate. He works his many wonders to satisfy me in other ways. We fight (play fighting, he's training me to use a sword), or play games. I write, or make things, but at the end of the day I still have the same needs and desires.

There are so many things to aid a person's libido, there has to be something that does the opposite...

No worries HM.

 

[silverwhisper]

faeryfire: the only things i know of which will accomplish that are generally permanent/surgical in nature and i'm betting that really isn't a direction you wanted to go.

actuallly: IIRC, the antidepressant paxil (?) is known to have that as a side effect. but that's kinda like using a bazooka to kill ants.

ed

 

[M's girl]

I know my limits. I also know I'm not making it easy for him to be healed when I'm like this.

Mentally I know why it's happening, I know it's not me, I know it takes time. Emotions don't work like this though. It doesn't matter how much I know, and it doesn't stop me getting hurt and me hurting him by resenting the situation.

I'm trying to find a way to deal with this. That's what this thread is all about. The skills I've used up to this point are no longer working.

He can't be "fixed" yet, so to help him and our relationship I need to do something about me.

I know. I understand. Well, maybe you need help too from a professional? Think about it. It's not such a strange concept. People who have partners with serious illnesses have supportgroups or go to therapy to deal with the situation. People with partners who are alcoholics and such too. You need help with how to deal with this situation. Lowering your sexdrive (if that would be possible without serious unhealthy things like taking - the wrong - medicine that have that effect) will do just thát. Your body will not feel the urge anymore, but will your mind be at ease too? Won't you start resenting him for having to take such drastic measures?

I think you need help (and maybe so do I, I don't know) on being able to cope with the situation. I know all the things you know too, about being good for him and such. I know why he is like that sometimes and most of the time I just raise an eyebrow or shrug my shoulders. But there comes a time, every time again, when I can't, and things will blow up. He can't help the situation and I can't help him further than what we've discussed and what I suggested so far. But I'm no psychologist and that is probably what he needs. I can hang on for a while longer, now knowing that help is on it's way, so to speak.

If you can do that for yourself I'm sure you will feel much better than artificially lowering your sexdrive. Besides, is it really only the sex? I mean, do you still have the intimacy and if not, would that make things better? Or do you simply (and I don't mean this as blunt as it probably will sound) also need to just get off? If I could have (but we're different in that we still have that plus the sex), but if I would still have the intimacy with him, I could take care of the rest for a long time by myself...until things return back to normal.

It's just suggestions and ideas....