Love and very little sex

[Caria Knight]

Can it last, What do you think? If you truely love someone who's sex drive is almost non existant, can the relationship make it? Especially if the other's sex drive is just beginning to peak. Here's the circumstances, tell me what you think.

27 year old female just beginning to find her sexuality. And a 31 year old male who almost never thinks about sex (yes he's straight). As a couple they are lucky if they are intimate once every two months or so. They live together and have a small child (sex was regular before the pregnancy). And they both say that they truely love each other and don't want to be with anyone else.

So are they doomed or can she satisfy herself enough to compensate?

 

[riff]

Whoa! LOL

What kinda question is that? You sound like me! hehehe

I dunno.... I dunnooo.......

 

[Ice Cold]

That's a tough one... It's almost like being in a platonic relationship. IMO if ones needs are growing and the others are lessing, it is only going to get worse until something bad happens.
You both need to be happy with each facet of the relationship, even the physical parts. Maybe the question to ask is why the other person is not as interested as you, and to maybe come to some middle ground where the relationship can grow with both parties being satisfied.

 

[Caria Knight]

It's a serious question. I really want to know what people think. In other words, can love really conquer all?

 

[Juspar Emvan]

IMO - no, it can't last.

It's not the lack of sex that's a kicker, but the fact that thier sexual needs are growing apart. Like all aspects of our relationships, sex cannot make a relationship, but it can break it. It's the same for affection, or shared interestes, or communication, or trust, or, or, or. It needs to be addressed now, before it goes to far. There is always hope, but love wont conqure all just because it's love, it takes work too.

Good luck to them both.

 

[fgarvb1]

nine years and nine and one half months. I can't seem to run her off and she won't leave.

I'd say at least we have a chance.

 

[Guest]

I'm an experienced man married the second time.
One of the things I learned is, without sex the love
will die.
Good luck!
Schumi48

 

[Caria Knight]

Anyone esle have thoughts about this?

 

[MissTaken]

Based on what you have told us, so far, No.

It can't last. I don't say that strictly because of the lack of sexual activity, rather the red flags it sends.

Are they communicating? If she needs and he isn't meeting that need, I wonder if they are talking about it. Better yet, I wonder if they are hearing one another.

Also, part of any relationship is working together. Based only on what you have said, it doesn't sound like they are.

The key is communication. Why isn't he interested? What does she want? ARe they interested in making one another happy? If so, how far are they willing to go?


In general terms, under the right circumstances, a sexless relationship can make it with communication and openess. It doesn't appear that that is the case here.

 

[Hamletmaschine]

Anyone esle have thoughts about this?

There are different kinds of love, Caria, and it is not uncommon for people to say "I love you" to each other and mean wildly different things. (The Greeks identified 8 or 10 different kinds of love, but eros and agape are the only two I remember offhand.)

Anyway, to answer your question, then: Yes, it is possible for your husband to still sincerely love you and yet not want to have sex with you very much. But if sex is an important part of your equation for love, then you will doubt him and feel, as you evidently do, that something is missing.

You should talk about it with him--try to reach some kind of understanding with him about 'definition of terms', so to speak. Can you say what love means to you? Can he? Both of you may find it difficult and uncomfortable to talk about this, because you'll both probably be defensive about your own definitions. None of them is more 'right' or 'wrong' than another. But perhaps you'll discover that you have more in common than you think, or that you can find some common ground to work from.

Good luck!

~H~

 

[MidnightAngel]

First let me say that I think Miss Taken has made some really good points in her post.

As far as a relationship that is "good" or "stable" in ALL other areas except sex? Yes, I think it CAN work; although that doesn't necessarily mean that it WILL. I think a decision would have to be made as to what is most important to you.

My former husband was extremely sexual....we had sex almost every night. And it was wonderful. Unfortunately, we had other areas of major disagreement. So we divorced. My current husband is perfect for me....almost. No, we don't have sex as often as I'd like. But in all other respects, he is a wonderful husband. That's a fair trade to me.

 

[Gamelover221]

The only get a true feeling of satisfaction in life is to find balance in all areas in our life. Being married is no exception...just the fact that you are thinking about the extreme differences in sexual needs hints that there is a problem that needs fixing. If you feel something might be wrong, or just a sense of unease or discomfort, you are not in balance. If you want a strong and stable relationship that won't end up leaving you feeling obligated or regretful in some fashion, you need to find a way to rejuvinate what you once had. I truly believe it's possible to love many different people in this life, so there's no reason to stay with someone unless they can meet all your basic needs. Just try and find out what's changed to him over time, hopefully there will be something you can do.

 

[Elizabeth]

*sigh* I am wrestling with this very thing right now. I don't have an answer just now.

 

[plasticman33]

*sigh* I am wrestling with this very thing right now. I don't have an answer just now.

Me too, Liz. Maybe we should get together and work things out?

 

[Wiggles]

Has this couple seeked any counseling? The fact that their love making dropped off severely after the child indicates to me that it's not his sex drive, but an emotional issue.

I think any relationship is only as good as the amount of work you put into it. Communication seems to be a major issue here. Are they sharing all their feelings? Sometimes its hard to open up to someone you know so intimately.

I think it could work if the couple genuinely wants it to.

 

[Guest]

God, everything you guys are saying is scaring the crap out of me. My husband of just a year are having this same problem. I first came to lit. looking for answers. Now, I am just trying to get used to the fact that I will never really be sexually satisfied.

 

[Texan]

A relationship can exist and even be a good relationship without sex. Each person has to decide how important sex is when compared to the other aspects of the relationship.

If there were no children envolved, the sexual compatability of a couple might appropriately be considered a very important part of a marriage. When children are envolved, almost all other aspects of the relationship should take second place to what is in the best interest of the children.

No relationship is perfect!!! Every couple will experience "rough times". Relationships usually cycle through close times and times of near estrangement. Love is an emotion. It comes and goes with the stimuli that produce the emotion. Commitment is not an emotion, it is a decision (action). Commitment is what makes a marriage survive through the changes of life circumstances.

I would not trade my wife for any other woman on this planet. My wife takes anti-depressants. For nine years, those medications made sex a very rare event. When I felt sexually frustrated I found other (non-physical) outlets for my sexual frustrations. But every evening, as I watched my wife chat with our children during dinner, I knew sex just wasn't that important. And at every public event we attended together, I watched as her grace, knowledge and confidence radiated. I was glad she was going home with me, even if there would be no sex before sleep. And on each Christmas morning, as I saw the joy our children experienced because we were together as a family, I didn't care if I ever had sex again.

Every person has to make their own decisions about the importance of sex in their relationships. Just remember, sex is only one part of what makes a relationship meaningful.

 

[It'sasecret]

aughhhhhhhhh Sorry that last post before Texan was me.

 

[Ishmael]

My two cents

From experience, and from discussions here in lit. I can tell you that without serious couseling the marriage is doomed. Sooner or later. He will find someone that rekindles his passion, or you will find someone that (re)kindles yours (It appears that you have no problem here.

Add to the fact that you are approaching you're most sexually active years, and his are in his past.

If the desire is to truly save the marriage, the first step is an honest talk with each other. (It still amazes me the things that people will get on Lit. and disclose to perfect strangers, that they won't discuss with their S/O.)

Is his problem organic? Or emotional? Or both? Simple tests can eliminate the first potential problem.

Unless you have already discussed this with him, I would do so as soon as possible. You both need to know where the other stands, and the sooner the better.

*off the soap box*

Ishmael

 

[Thumper]

Try Yahtzee....

works for us.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Thumper]

Whoa there....

Backgammon?

Too much excitement there...next thing you know you'll be suggesting we drink alcohol or something else wild and crazy.

 

[*bratcat*]

Re: Whoa there....

 

[Thumper]

Not bloody likely...

But we may just get crazy enough to break out the Scrabble board...

Then it's "Katy bar the door"!

 

[Thumper]

Maybe....

Just maybe that's why marriage is the number one "bored" game in America