Looking for...someone to teach me
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CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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You can either post an ad in the BDSM Personals to find an online/face to face partner, and/or ask questions, post here, read read read, attend munches, get involved w/ your local community, etc.
__little_one
Experienced
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I'm sure you don't need to worry about impressing anyone with your knowlege! However it's always a great idea to get to know what's safe/unsafe practice. Sadly there's no shortcut- read, chat, and post 'till you've got RSI! Getting an online 'mentor' is ok, but remember they can only offer you one perspective. Often it's best to ask other subs.
On the other hand if you're really just looking for love try the BDSM Personals from the dropdown forum list. And prepare to get mobbed.
On the other hand if you're really just looking for love try the BDSM Personals from the dropdown forum list. And prepare to get mobbed.
VelvetDarkness
Polysyllable Whore x
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Everyone has to start somewhere and many male doms relish the opportunity to teach and mould an inexperienced sub into the perfect partner for them. I'd advise against being too upfront about your age and inexperience if you post a personals ad. Girls like you are usually inundated with interest. Also, some unscrupulous and even abusive men prey on young girls with no concrete notion of what consensual BDSM should be about, hoping to pass off their abusiveness as dominance. Be clear about what you want to get from a D/s dynamic and don't allow your own deep seated needs to be clouded or superceded by someone else's. We're all ultimately in this lifestyle as submissive types because we have needs of our own and they're just as valid as any dominant's Also, give some thought to what your hard limits are and stay true to that. Somewhere out there will be a guy who is the right match for you, you shouldn't change all your ideas and expectations just to please a potential partner.
The BDSM Library sticky is a good place to start and you can use the Forum Search function to locate threads about subjects you're interested in. If you have a look on Amazon, you'll be surprised how many kink related books they have and they can all be shipped to you discreetly. By all means do your homework but remember that theory only goes so far when it comes to sex. There's no real way to know what you'll like or tolerate until you start experimenting in real life. Also, you should give some thought to how much power you want to cede. Do you want to submit only in the bedroom or in everyday life? How far would you be comfortable with that and what ground rules would you need? Also keep in mind that it's perfectly possible to be masochistic without any desire for submission or control at all, just as it's possible to be submissive without being sexually masochistic. There are no rules or absolutes in BDSM except the ones you decide for yourself and agree with others. Before you embark on a marathon study programme, you should learn as much as you can about yourself and the direction in which your submissive urges lean. You can't give yourself to someone else until you know what you have to give and what you need in return.
There are lots of threads about meeting an online acquaintance for the first time safely. It's always a bit of a gamble but then so is meeting a guy in a bar or whatever and choosing to take things further. Fine tune your BS-O-Meter and be prepared to chat with and even meet a few frogs before you find your prince.
Welcome to Lit and best of luck.
Adakgirl
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Excellent post Velvet! You always come across with great clarity and kindness. (mostly besides that newb thing u had going?) Lol.
Velvet is absolutely right...researching BDSM lifestyles, doing your homework, is a very important step to take before you even think of starting an on-line D/s M/s relationship, or venturing into the BDSM real life world. She is also right on about the BDSM personals here and on other sites.
In the personals on Lit there is an abundance of so-called Dominants who put up adds all the time wanting mostly young (or old or any) inexperienced submissives to "train". They offer up this "training" out of the goodness of their hearts because they want to share their knowledge and experience. They want to teach you and guide you in your quest for knowledge about your submissiveness. How very altruistic and benevolent of them!
One wonders if so many of them have been in the lifestyle so many years, and have so much experience...why they would want to put up an add for on-line only D/s & M/s relationships and " submissive training" when they could be doing it in real life? Though some have good reasons, this is a question you should always ask.
I can tell you from experience that a majority of them don't know their ass from a hole in the ground let alone know how to "train" a submissive. They do not know the meaning of respect and many think that submissives do not deserve respect anyway.. They call themselves Dominants because they enjoy telling women what to do, and their "training" is exactly how they go about getting them to do it. In reality they are just horny domineering men looking for women who will submit to them without question because they are new to this and simply do not know any better.
Now that said, I have met some very knowledgeable and experienced and IMOP excellent Dominants here as well, but you need to be able to tell the difference.
Velvet is absolutely right...researching BDSM lifestyles, doing your homework, is a very important step to take before you even think of starting an on-line D/s M/s relationship, or venturing into the BDSM real life world. She is also right on about the BDSM personals here and on other sites.
In the personals on Lit there is an abundance of so-called Dominants who put up adds all the time wanting mostly young (or old or any) inexperienced submissives to "train". They offer up this "training" out of the goodness of their hearts because they want to share their knowledge and experience. They want to teach you and guide you in your quest for knowledge about your submissiveness. How very altruistic and benevolent of them!
One wonders if so many of them have been in the lifestyle so many years, and have so much experience...why they would want to put up an add for on-line only D/s & M/s relationships and " submissive training" when they could be doing it in real life? Though some have good reasons, this is a question you should always ask.
I can tell you from experience that a majority of them don't know their ass from a hole in the ground let alone know how to "train" a submissive. They do not know the meaning of respect and many think that submissives do not deserve respect anyway.. They call themselves Dominants because they enjoy telling women what to do, and their "training" is exactly how they go about getting them to do it. In reality they are just horny domineering men looking for women who will submit to them without question because they are new to this and simply do not know any better.
Now that said, I have met some very knowledgeable and experienced and IMOP excellent Dominants here as well, but you need to be able to tell the difference.
Last edited:
SimonBrooke
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+1
I think any aspiring sub would benefit from persuading Velvet to 'elder sister' her for a while...
Lots of PYLs and PYL-wannabes are pretty unscrupulous and exploitative people, so be wary.
Knowing the difference
So... how does a woefully inexperienced person who has read and read and read and read about this--to the point that she's becoming a menace to polite society--go about learning to "tell the difference"? The University of Hard Knocks doesn't seem like such a good idea in this arena.
Thanks, by the way, to everyone who takes time to respond to these questions. I feel dumb enough as it is, and your kindness and generosity go a long way. Cheers!
So... how does a woefully inexperienced person who has read and read and read and read about this--to the point that she's becoming a menace to polite society--go about learning to "tell the difference"? The University of Hard Knocks doesn't seem like such a good idea in this arena.
Thanks, by the way, to everyone who takes time to respond to these questions. I feel dumb enough as it is, and your kindness and generosity go a long way. Cheers!
Primalex
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I don't think there is another way.
It's not easy like "If a guy in a car offers you chocolate and tells you he is a cop and wants to bring you home" ...
Basically it comes down to how you want to balance safety versus opportunity. The more people you dump because you feel unsure, the more opportunities you lose in actually meeting a good person. Then again, the more you do stupid things with any stranger out there without worry, the more likely you will end up screwed...uhm, in a bad way.
I trust my guts - but of course this didn't work very well either ten years ago. Now though I just have a knack to feel when someone is not telling me the truth. You don't get this from reading books though.
Yes, there are certain guidelines or hints when something is fishy, I'm sure the others will point you to them (I'm too lazy to search for them now). But they are just that. I violate some of them regularly, in order to protect myself again.
Life is not black and white.
well, sure, if you're going to talk sense...
You mean, I should use the brains and instincts God gave me and use good judgment the way I do in every other area of my life?
Thanks for this. For some reason, this whole topic seems to shave about 80 points off of my IQ. It helps when someone reminds me of what would be obvious to me if I weren't hyperventilating...
You mean, I should use the brains and instincts God gave me and use good judgment the way I do in every other area of my life?
Thanks for this. For some reason, this whole topic seems to shave about 80 points off of my IQ. It helps when someone reminds me of what would be obvious to me if I weren't hyperventilating...
Primalex
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You mean, I should use the brains and instincts God gave me and use good judgment the way I do in every other area of my life?
Thanks for this. For some reason, this whole topic seems to shave about 80 points off of my IQ. It helps when someone reminds me of what would be obvious to me if I weren't hyperventilating...
[hijack]
I prefer pussy over brain. Yes, I would do Jessica Simpson.
[/hijack]
SimonBrooke
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It should be easy enough to track down other female subs in your area through Lit (and perhaps also through places like Collarme.com). Talk to them about how they made contact with safer doms; someone might agree to take you along to a club or a munch - and they might have advice about who to avoid.
This seems like a great idea--thanks for suggesting it. Part of my deal is that I'm not certain that I truly AM a sub. Sure, I love reading about it, but I like reading about space travel too. Doesn't mean I'm suited for it.
It seems there's no way to really know except to try it--but talking to female subs sounds like a good place to start.
subish2009
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This seems like a great idea--thanks for suggesting it. Part of my deal is that I'm not certain that I truly AM a sub. Sure, I love reading about it, but I like reading about space travel too. Doesn't mean I'm suited for it.
It seems there's no way to really know except to try it--but talking to female subs sounds like a good place to start.
If you think you're a sub, I'd bet that you probably are. Remember it's all a continuum. You don't have to be the subbiest sub ever to sub to still be a sub. Know what I mean?
Primalex
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I accept the bet. 9/10 are just into kinky sex and not at all into submission.
BiBunny
Moon Queen & Wanderer
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Uh-huh. This.
and while we're on the subject...
Yeah, I think I do. As Primalex said earlier, life isn't black and white. Perhaps submission is subjective?
Or perhaps I'm not submissive, just kinky. I'm certainly a lot more comfortable with the idea of "kink" than I am with the thought of actual, you know... surrender.
Anyway, thanks for your input! and for making me feel welcome. I appreciate it!
Yeah, I think I do. As Primalex said earlier, life isn't black and white. Perhaps submission is subjective? Or perhaps I'm not submissive, just kinky. I'm certainly a lot more comfortable with the idea of "kink" than I am with the thought of actual, you know... surrender.
Anyway, thanks for your input! and for making me feel welcome. I appreciate it!
Corylea
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Read BOOKS
There's a lot of information on the net, and much of it is worth exactly what you paid for it. It is as easy to pass along lies as truth, so take everything with a grain of salt. When in doubt, your own judgment is always the best guide!
Books cost money, but at least anything that's been through a publisher has been seen, edited, and agreed to by more than one person. I can recommend some books if you want, though everyone probably has their own list of favorites. Do not -- repeat NOT -- attempt to learn BDSM from fiction. Many of the people who write this stuff have never done it, many of the people who write it have done it but leave out the boring safety stuff, and many of us write things in fiction that we would never do in real life. Or only do for true love.
The biggest mistake I see newcomers making is thinking that there's One True Way to do BDSM. There isn't. The "right" way is the way that's right for you. Don't let anyone tell you that you MUST do X to be a REAL sub/sadomasochist/woman/player/whatever.
Different areas have different local customs, and it's easy to mistake the local customs for The Way. I have a dear friend and ex-partner who has both local (Massachusetts) partners and a partner in Canada. In the local scene, the play tends to be more physical play than serious D/S, and what D/S occurs is almost always negotiated between the people involved. People often have a serious, primary partner, but they may play casually at parties with friends. His Canadian* partner, though, comes from a scene where the local custom is that everyone either is collared to someone or collars someone else. People don't play outside of their one and only relationship, and getting either into or out of a relationship is difficult. People who engage mostly in physical play are considered not to be "real" whatevers, and switches are told to their faces that they don't exist! Being a submissive in the bedroom and an equal out of it is uncommon, and being submissive to this person just for this scene and perhaps never again is unheard of. Most of the people I know would NOT fit in there!
Coming out in my local scene would be more difficult for someone who wanted a very formal, very structured, very orderly relationship with a single person. Coming out in his partner's Canadian scene would be more difficult for someone who wanted a part-time, non-collared relationship. What the customs are in your local scene, I have no idea, but whatever they are, there's more way to do stuff than just that way ... and the people who don't fit in with whatever the local way is will likely be harder to find, since they'll be keeping a lower profile.
Most of the people who try to help newbies are genuinely kind and helpful people who remember how it felt to be new. But there do exist people who prey on newbies. Newbies tend to be easily swayed, to go along when told that THIS is the right way to do things, and they usually don't know that this person has a bad reputation. It's easy to be so hungry for a BDSM experience that one will let one's judgment be overridden by others who claim to know more. Please don't fall into that trap. Someone WILL want you; you don't have to compromise yourself to get at least some of what you want.
*I'm not sure what part of Canada she's from. I'm not saying that all of Canada has the same customs -- it's a big country! -- just that this is true in whatever part my friend's lover is from.
There's a lot of information on the net, and much of it is worth exactly what you paid for it.
It is as easy to pass along lies as truth, so take everything with a grain of salt. When in doubt, your own judgment is always the best guide!Books cost money, but at least anything that's been through a publisher has been seen, edited, and agreed to by more than one person. I can recommend some books if you want, though everyone probably has their own list of favorites. Do not -- repeat NOT -- attempt to learn BDSM from fiction. Many of the people who write this stuff have never done it, many of the people who write it have done it but leave out the boring safety stuff, and many of us write things in fiction that we would never do in real life. Or only do for true love.
The biggest mistake I see newcomers making is thinking that there's One True Way to do BDSM. There isn't. The "right" way is the way that's right for you. Don't let anyone tell you that you MUST do X to be a REAL sub/sadomasochist/woman/player/whatever.
Different areas have different local customs, and it's easy to mistake the local customs for The Way. I have a dear friend and ex-partner who has both local (Massachusetts) partners and a partner in Canada. In the local scene, the play tends to be more physical play than serious D/S, and what D/S occurs is almost always negotiated between the people involved. People often have a serious, primary partner, but they may play casually at parties with friends. His Canadian* partner, though, comes from a scene where the local custom is that everyone either is collared to someone or collars someone else. People don't play outside of their one and only relationship, and getting either into or out of a relationship is difficult. People who engage mostly in physical play are considered not to be "real" whatevers, and switches are told to their faces that they don't exist! Being a submissive in the bedroom and an equal out of it is uncommon, and being submissive to this person just for this scene and perhaps never again is unheard of. Most of the people I know would NOT fit in there!
Coming out in my local scene would be more difficult for someone who wanted a very formal, very structured, very orderly relationship with a single person. Coming out in his partner's Canadian scene would be more difficult for someone who wanted a part-time, non-collared relationship. What the customs are in your local scene, I have no idea, but whatever they are, there's more way to do stuff than just that way ... and the people who don't fit in with whatever the local way is will likely be harder to find, since they'll be keeping a lower profile.
Most of the people who try to help newbies are genuinely kind and helpful people who remember how it felt to be new. But there do exist people who prey on newbies. Newbies tend to be easily swayed, to go along when told that THIS is the right way to do things, and they usually don't know that this person has a bad reputation. It's easy to be so hungry for a BDSM experience that one will let one's judgment be overridden by others who claim to know more. Please don't fall into that trap. Someone WILL want you; you don't have to compromise yourself to get at least some of what you want.
*I'm not sure what part of Canada she's from. I'm not saying that all of Canada has the same customs -- it's a big country! -- just that this is true in whatever part my friend's lover is from.
CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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[Now that I'm home from a business trip and not posting from the iPhone... ]
Evil_Geoff's post here has a good list of web resources to find local groups/munches. Your location says SF Bay area? I should think there are plenty of BDSM organizations in the area to attend seminars, get to know people, ask questions, etc. If nothing else you'd get to meet new people and maybe end up with a better idea of if you're in the 9/10ths or 1/10ths group (and not a thing wrong with being either one).
]Evil_Geoff's post here has a good list of web resources to find local groups/munches. Your location says SF Bay area? I should think there are plenty of BDSM organizations in the area to attend seminars, get to know people, ask questions, etc. If nothing else you'd get to meet new people and maybe end up with a better idea of if you're in the 9/10ths or 1/10ths group (and not a thing wrong with being either one).
Adakgirl
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Originally Posted by Adakgirl View Post
I have met some very knowledgeable and experienced and IMOP excellent Dominants here as well, but you need to be able to tell the difference.
a few easily recognized signs are:
They usually will tell you of their previous experience in the lifestyle right off the bat. Will not avoid questions on that topic.
They will tell you straight up what they are seeking.
An experienced and knowledgeable Dom will not try to get you naked right away, will not be interested in getting you to submit sexually or in any other manner until they get to know you first. In fact they will usually refuse sexual advances by you, should you make any. Because they are not in it for the sex.
They will be much more interested and curious about learning your mind than seeing your body.
They will not insist on "inspecting" you right away. They might insist you cam up for them so they know they are not talking with another male...but then will allow you to cam down once they know that and continue getting to know you.
They will ask you a lot of questions about yourself and those questions will not involve you having to reveal any personal info that could jeopardize your safety.
They will be open to all questions you may have and readily answer them
They will not attempt to keep you from communicating with your friends or family, they will not try to isolate you, or keep you from doing things that are important to you.
They will be polite and respectful and not rush you or push you faster than you feel comfortable with. They are not in any hurry.
Those are some of the many ways to know.
I have met some very knowledgeable and experienced and IMOP excellent Dominants here as well, but you need to be able to tell the difference.
a few easily recognized signs are:
They usually will tell you of their previous experience in the lifestyle right off the bat. Will not avoid questions on that topic.
They will tell you straight up what they are seeking.
An experienced and knowledgeable Dom will not try to get you naked right away, will not be interested in getting you to submit sexually or in any other manner until they get to know you first. In fact they will usually refuse sexual advances by you, should you make any. Because they are not in it for the sex.
They will be much more interested and curious about learning your mind than seeing your body.
They will not insist on "inspecting" you right away. They might insist you cam up for them so they know they are not talking with another male...but then will allow you to cam down once they know that and continue getting to know you.
They will ask you a lot of questions about yourself and those questions will not involve you having to reveal any personal info that could jeopardize your safety.
They will be open to all questions you may have and readily answer them
They will not attempt to keep you from communicating with your friends or family, they will not try to isolate you, or keep you from doing things that are important to you.
They will be polite and respectful and not rush you or push you faster than you feel comfortable with. They are not in any hurry.
Those are some of the many ways to know.
00Syd
Secret Agent
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- Dec 26, 2007
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- 4,580
Be wary of people who want to "mentor" you, no matter how knowledgeable they seem or how many good references he has. I got into a quasi-mentor/mentoree relationship with a fellow who seemed to know his shit and have a lot of good friends in the scene and all of that sort of good stuff. I didn't know how things worked and so assumed that this was the norm but now that I'm not close to him anymore I realize how much he used me. It sucks.
/The more you know!
/The more you know!
Thanks everyone
Thanks to EVERYONE who helped me out with amazing advice.....I actually met someone who knows exactly what i need/want, he is interested in learning all about me the person not me the body....he cares a lot about me and it's working out AMAZINGLY! But thank you so so much again for all the great help!
Thanks to EVERYONE who helped me out with amazing advice.....I actually met someone who knows exactly what i need/want, he is interested in learning all about me the person not me the body....he cares a lot about me and it's working out AMAZINGLY! But thank you so so much again for all the great help!
sailorpaul
Really Experienced
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- Jun 30, 2009
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One other good clue in my opinion is whether the person you are meeting insists you take the time to make good safety arangments with a trusted friend.
I have refused to meet with people in a public place UNLESS they confirm they have made arrangements to be called by on the phone by a friend AND left notes/my email and other details with that person (putting the notes in a sealed envelope can be an OK comprimise).
Personally I like a couple of steps. 1. They take a pic of or text my vehicle license plate from their cell phone to their friend. 2. Call friend at start of meeting. 3. Set one or more time intervals THAT I DON'T KNOW after the first call -- times when the friend will initiate a call back to the person I"m meeting.
But then, that's me.
I have refused to meet with people in a public place UNLESS they confirm they have made arrangements to be called by on the phone by a friend AND left notes/my email and other details with that person (putting the notes in a sealed envelope can be an OK comprimise).
Personally I like a couple of steps. 1. They take a pic of or text my vehicle license plate from their cell phone to their friend. 2. Call friend at start of meeting. 3. Set one or more time intervals THAT I DON'T KNOW after the first call -- times when the friend will initiate a call back to the person I"m meeting.
But then, that's me.
ineedpain2getthere
Experienced
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- Aug 16, 2009
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to have a sub is a gift. remember that please
CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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Not everyone views it that way...
