Looking for some honest opinions.

[BJ Blue]

I've been writing a series. I just finished chapter 4, though as of tonight, it isn't posted yet. I would appreciate any critism you could give me. Thanks for any help you can give me.

 

[BJ Blue]

Here's links to the stories


chapter 1


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=40502

chapter 2

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=40846

chapter 3

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=41123

 

[BJ Blue]

Chapter 4 is posted now.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=68053

 

[sirhugs]

Not my cuppa tea, but very well done technically. Did you need to use the word " fuck" so often? Try some variety. It loses its value if overused. You write dialogue well, and that helps a lot.

i would enjoy seeing you try a story with less hostility. I would appreciate your talents better then.

 

[BJ Blue]

Thanks for the input. I think a lot of the language has to do with the whole idea of the stories. It's tough to get away from for me when I write this type of material. But then, when I write more sensual material, it doesn't come across like that. I guess it's just my way of stressing that there is no love at all invloved in these encounters. It's just one guys version of payback. But I can definately see why you say that, the language is pretty harsh.

 

[Guest]

Well, I'm lookng forward...

.........to reading some of your more sensual stuff. That's more my cup of tea.
GP

 

[BJ Blue]

My plan is to finish the story like that. Probably one or two more of this kind then a passionate finish. Thanks for the input.

 

[gauchecritic]

Fuck?

I think a lot of the language has to do with the whole idea of the stories... I guess it's just my way of stressing that there is no love at all invloved in these encounters. It's just one guys version of payback. But I can definately see why you say that, the language is pretty harsh.

A long time ago in a land far far away, I had to write an essay on a D.H. Lawrence novel. The only way I could think to describe Lawrences description of lovemaking was to use the word fuck (still taboo at the time). The teacher got my point and it got me an 'A'.
Lawrence couldn't use it when he wrote the novel, but I could 20/30 years later, I think he would have too for just those reasons.

Gauche

 

[TrinaT]

Read all four chapters and I agree with the others, not my cup of tea either. The part with the wife and the girl from the bar...there is no mention that the wife is even into women, that she would just join in.

There is somewhat of a connection between the chapters, but the flow is not easy to follow.

Would love to read the more sensual works, alot of potential there.

Just my thoughts.

Trina T.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello BJ

I read chapters one and two, and by the second I realise this just wasn't my cup of tea either. So I'm going to keep my comments short.

You have jumped from 'Loving Wives' in your first chapter, to 'Non-consensual' in the second. I'm not sure readers who enjoy the usually sensual style of LW, are going to happily follow your story into the darker pages of NC. Hey, I could be wrong here, and it won't be the first or last time either.

I almost respected the size of this guys balls. It takes a hell of a man to lay pipe to another man's wife in his bed, when he's not around.

I'm sorry, but as a female reader, this passage really grated on me. Of course it has nothing to do with your writing per se, however, do bear in mind that fifty percent of your readers are female, and I have a feeling I'm not Robinson Crusoe here.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a good day,

Alex (fem).

 

[BJ Blue]

Thanks for the comments. I'm learning something from each of them.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Hummmmm after so many "it's not my cup of tea" post I just had to read it. I agree with bragis about the catagories jumping and keeping the reader following along. There were a few places that were missng some words also. I did smile though when I read :

Only instead of someone slamming into a tree, he's slamming his tree into my wife.

That just struck me funny LOL. The nonconsent part was a bit much for my taste but once past that I was back into it. I kept waiting for you to say that Angie and the wife were secret lovers too, since she had no problems jumping right into bed with her.
Aside from the missing words and a few spots that could have been broken into new paragraphs You're doing a fine job.

Wicked

My Stories

 

[BJ Blue]

Thanks Wicked. You kind of stumbled upon something that I'm writing about in the next chapter. Very nicely done...

I'll read yours tonight when I have some free time.