Looking for help

[TheseThings]

Hi.

Would anyone mind looking over my stories and giving constructive criticism, plus spotting grammar errors etc?

I’ve reached out to a few editors, but received no response.

My first already published story is ‘Lacy Our First Meeting’.

https://www.literotica.com/authors/TheseThings/works/stories

The viewpoint of this example is a bit specific and odd, as it’s written from the view of ‘myself’ and ‘you’.
Because it’s meant to be read by the real Lacy!

I need an editor, for further adventures with Lacy. I’ve two waiting to be checked.

And also other separate short stories which are more conventionally structured.


Let me know if you’re interested.

Regards Bertie

 

[AlinaX]

It's worth adding links to make it easy for people to get to your stories. You can even add a link in your signature on the forum.

 

[TheseThings]

Thanks AlinaX….ive added some links. Hopefully in the right places.

 

[challenger69]

I'll have a look, PM me.

 

[CiaoSteve]

Let me share some thoughts . . . both stories are on the short side which, while not always a bad thing, does limit the ability to develop the characters a little. Neither really pandered to my own preferences, but there is a big difference between the two, and a much more positive improvement over time.

Lacy Our First Meeting
So, where to start. There is a storyline, even if it isn't my kink. My first problem though is in the structure of the story (a lot of 1 sentence paragraphs) and the grammar / spelling. You could have done with having an editor / beta reader giving the story a once over as a lot of this could have been easily corrected. My second problem is that I found the story too unbelievable. The relationship between two strangers became erotic just too quickly to feel it could really happen. I know it is fiction, and I do commend you publishing, but I felt this one needed some work.

The Barn Find (Unfinished Journey)
Quite different and it does feel like you have stepped back and reviewed before publishing. There are a few grammaticals, but generally the story reads much better. I also liked the concept. My only challenge is that I didn't find it erotic (maybe that is just me). Conceptually it was good, and the construct of the story worked, but I wanted a little something more in the relationship with the mysterious woman than I actually got. I can only assume that the bike was once upon a time crashed and said "Stephen" along with the woman was killed, but I don't really feel I got there. That said, much better and a big improvement on the first.

Hope I haven't been too critical. I cringe at a lot of my own stories, especially the early ones. Keep going would be my advice.

 

[TheseThings]

Hi, ciaosteve.

Thanks for your comments, they are constructive and fair.

Both stories limit the eroticism, don’t want to jump in with both feet….baby steps.

With regards the Lacy story, it was triggered by a once only accidental meeting, of a self proclaimed ‘brat’ .
Who really did use the line ..
'if you call me a GOOD GIRL again, I'm going to end up on my knees!’


The premise of the barn find, is that :
A guy ‘Steven’ was out on his bike with his girlfriend in the 1960s.
He was rushing home from the local bikers cafe (Johnsons a real place) to get busy with her.
Sadly he crashed on a fast downhill road (another real place, gorse hill, formally known as death hill).
The bike wrecked. And she was killed.
Steven latter married another girl, rebuilt the bike and rode it.
Only to realise it was haunted and it was then hidden in his garage etc.

I very much realise that I need a proof reader, hence being here ……..

Regards Bertie

 

[CiaoSteve]

As long as they are not too long (I tend to limit around 10k words) and not too outrageous, I'd be happy for you to reach out when you have your next stories ready. I see you followed me, so you can take a look at my writing style if you want. I am a Brit though albeit have reviewed for US authors before. I just have to remind myself we use different phrases/spellings from time to time.