Looking for feedback on Story #2.

[Areala-chan]

Well, my second story here at Lit has just been posted, and I was wondering if anyone would be willing to toss me some feedback on it?

It's a lesbian story with a medieval/fantasy setting and a small dom/sub theme running through it. If anyone is interested, you can find "See Her Pleasure In My Eyes" right here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=76415

Any and all critiques are welcome, though naturally, constructive criticism is prefered over "I liked it/I hated it". And my e-mail box is always open if you prefer to send comments in private instead of publically.

Thanks in advance!
Areala-chan

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, it was very good. And very unpleasant. I don't know what else to say.

I would imagine that this is an excerpt from a larger work, which would explain a lot of the mystery about just what's going on.

I was enjoying the sex so much I was let down when the other thing happened. But I think there might be a little too much detail in the sex. It seems all pretty much at one level. I didn't get the feel of episodic climaxes, although there was a lotr of climaxing going on.

I guess the one thing I really missed was knowing what the narrator was feeling while she was being forced to do all this. She doesn't seem to object too much, and she does seem to enjoy it. I suppose you can't really reveal what she thinks because that would give it away. And to her it's just a job.

Leaves me with mixed feelings.

---dr.M.

 

[hiddenself]

first scene?

Did you conceive this as the first scene to a novel (ie, introducing the heroine, how she got her name, etc) or a stand-alone little story?

Anyway, I did like the idea and the story, but it would have worked better for me with a darker, more sinister atmosphere. Of course, I have no clue how you'd accomplish that...

OK. Maybe I would have liked to see an atmosphere of higher tension in the Necromancer's chambers. Also, maybe more uncertainty on the mage slayer's part? Especially the part where she's getting into the sex. Would a novice be able to put aside the fear of hideous death and carry on like that? She came across as too calm for a first assignment, no?

I also may be nitpicking here, but how on earth did she manage to conceal the knife? Unless you invoke use of magic, of course...

hs

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I want to add one more niggling little point here.

We run into "the stench of death" in a lot of fantasy stuff. I just wonder if anyone is actually familiar with the stench of death. It smells, literally, like shit, like human faeces, mixed with the smell of rotten meat.

Bear that in mind when you think of them making love in her chamber reeking of the stench of death.

---dr.M.