Looking for Criticism

[cward2]

Posted my first story recently.

http://english.literotica.com/stori...y.php?id=212235

Would like some criticism please.

Thanks

 

[Penelope Street]

Correct link:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=212235

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Cward,

I read 'Cookies and Crème'. I'm afraid I can't say I enjoyed it. This isn't my kind of story. It's just a sex scene, without any surrounding context. I don't know much about the characters and I especially don't know why she wants to have sex with these two strangers. The presentation is also a bit over-the-top, e.g. pussies erupting like volcanoes and testicles the size of tomatoes. I guess my biggest suggestion would be to slow it down and focus on the exchange of emotions rather than the exchange of bodily fluids.

I should note that some readers enjoy vignettes like this, all sex, no plot- just like a porn film. Some authors, Boxlicker comes to mind, are quite happy cranking out such stories and there seems to be no shortage of readers who are just as happy reading them; I just don't happen to be one of those readers.

Fwiw, I thought your second story, 'Che', was better. Though the characters we still not developed in a manner than would engage me, there was a little mystery to it and, I thought, a bit of clever humor as well.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[bobsmith1966]

I thought great on the whole but lacked storyline, although I enjoyed the character descriptions peronally.
Keep going.

Bob.
addicted to erotica BRITGIRL32DD

 

[Indigo8]

Cookies and Cream was very interesting. I have to agree with Penelope Street. I like characterization. I like to know a little bit about the people in the stories as in general, people in reality get to know each other a little bit before jumping into the sack.

On the whole it was okay. Maybe do a small amount of rewrite to make it sound a little smoother.

I