longwinded newbie jumping out of her skin

[madetotakeit]

Does every newbie go through this stage? I have recently had a taste (more of a nibble I suppose) of all the possibilities that are out there. (Ok, not all, but enough to see it is a smorgasboard of experiences, feelings, sensations waiting to be tasted!) I met someone online and have had some fascinating conversations on and off topic ( the mind he possesses...that mind***whew***) Completely enthralled. There are REAL people out there and not just the control freaks and wannabes! For the first time I seriously admitted this is part of who I am. Like all, I did know, but admission...that was a different situation entirely. I even felt comfortable enough to meet in person-huge step for me! He pushed me a bit-not too far, not too hard. It was enough for me to know this is my path. It left me longing for more.The next day I was overwhelmed. Adrenaline coursed through me for a good 24 hours. You have seen the jaguar caged in a zoo? That was me, incessant pacing. I literally paced through 12 hours of an high stress job! I didn't miss a word, but my mind was screaming,"YES! That's it. That's the part of the equation that has been missing! more, More, MORE!" If this was a tease, the thoughts of what a true scene would bring makes me squirm! I'm not sure if it was the mental and physical effect he had on me or finally having exposure to this at the hands of someone who has true experience (Nah, I know. It was 50/50) It was like opening a door and seeing sunlight for the first time. A craving was set free. It was always there, but the "good girl" (parental expectations) the "supervisor" (My job literally involves life and death), and the provider (I've supported my friend/roomie for almost a year now) had never dared to indulge. Let go? ME? I've always been calm, collected, in control. How do I deal with a me I'm not familiar with, the one who struggles to find words? So now I have taste tested, confirmed vanilla is not my favorite flavor. How do I deal with this overwhelming need to learn, explore? I'm not wanting to rush things, quite the contrary as far as experiences go. I am hungry for knowledge. I feel I have denied so for so long, there is so much to catch up on! I try to approach this as I have all things. Good student? Check-3.85 GPA. Intelligence? Check- IQ tested above average. Good worker? Check-I hope so they made me a supervisor! Good sub? I think so given the right guiding hand. So being the serious student that I have always been, I have devoured others experiences. I've checked out online resources. I've read erotica. Testing my new eyes for what speaks to me. I was so excited to be able to share my thoughts, my (granted highly biased by inexperience) opinions, but also my self-realizations. Imagine a child coming home from school after learning something that changes everything (or a cartoon chipmunk. Which would talk more?) What a bright wonderful dark world is out there! How incredible to find others seeking the same things I crave-a deeper connection, a complete level of trust, intensity in the physical and emotional. To exist for a time as someone's toy for their pleasure, finding immense pleasure in doing so. The wide eyed naif unsure which way to look first, but knowing what has been seen can not be unseen. Now I have to totally reevaluate things in my life. Most effected has been my attitude toward my LDR. There is a lot of love there, a lot of history both good and bad. Is this why I have kept it long distance? He only sees a fraction of me? We actually dabbled long ago, but he had no deep interest. He would never be the type to feel secure in leaving a mark. Unfortunately my journey is at a pause. Although I know better, I still have those internal gnawings- Did I fail to pass the test? Did my enthusiasm appear as overzealousness? Did my physical form fail to inspire? Was my face not pleasing? I still have so far to completely overcome the insecurities and expectations instilled by society, parents, lovers. Do these questions come from my eagerness to please, to be the best sub I can? Or is it all of the negatives that as a woman I have been programmed with. I feel I am coiled to spring. I want to run into the street and shout, "This is me, who and what I am! I need to find my boundaries and be pushed past them! Elevate me!" (In deference to my neighbors I will control myself.) I feel I chose wisely. I placed the reins in very worthy hands. The perfect rider to break me without breaking my spirit. Now those reins are tethered and I find in my attempts to move forward I am moving in circles. How long before the euphoria comes down to a tolerable level? Has every sub had such an intense reaction to first light? When, if ever will get used to the feeling of my new skin?

 

[nh23]

Do some research on sub frenzy. There are some threads around here about it if the search function if feeling nice today. Good Luck

 

[madetotakeit]

Search seems to be in a sadistic mood today, but I did find another reference on it- all hail the googler! That pretty well describes it. Again I don't know why I am surprised that I am following footsteps of so many others. Thanks for the tip!

 

[nh23]

You're welcome And welcome to Lit!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sounds to me you had one of the a-ha moments where you finally realised what it was you were needing, seeking, perhaps without knowing. Like all new things which open a whole new world, it is natural to want to increase the experiences, to explore further, learn more about yourself and your needs. Are you saying the person who allowed you to expore no longer wants to, or doesn't want to move in the direction you do? Maybe they need more time to adjust to the new you, or to the responsibility it entails for them to continue that journey with you, or even the difficulties of getting involved emotionally when in a LDR...it isn't easy. I always find one of the best ways to learn is to discuss your topic with others, ask questions of others and yourself, challenge your own and others P'sOV, give yourself the freedom to enter areas or views you never thought possible, but above all where D/s is concerned, do so safely. Good luck with the next steps in your journey...if you are fortunate, it will never end.

Catalina

 

[babyv]

Fellow newbie

I feel extreme envy for you. For the fact that you have had the opportunity to actually experience submission. I loved reading your post and feel that I am going through a similar sensation - only on a 'mini level'. I am also terribly excited to the point of utter restlessness. But I don't know how to express myself yet and this is terribly frustrating. I am also overwhelmed by how much I feel I have missed not having realised this sooner. I feel stuck. I don't know how to go about this on my own.

I. Have. Had. Enough. Of. Vanilla!!

 

[madetotakeit]

I knew I would feel something. I just wasn't prepared for exactly what I am feeling. It changes from moment to moment anyway. This has not been a quick search for me. I've looked for several years, spoken to many that did not fit the bill. I feel incredibly lucky that I came into contact with who I did. I found that mental connection first. I think that is why I am in this state. Keep looking, be intelligent about your choices. I can't suggest seeking the mental connection first enough. I was only given a taste, but I couldn't have asked for it to have been a better experience both physically and mentally! How many people can say they have truly changed someone's life? I know of at least one.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I knew I would feel something. I just wasn't prepared for exactly what I am feeling. It changes from moment to moment anyway. This has not been a quick search for me. I've looked for several years, spoken to many that did not fit the bill. I feel incredibly lucky that I came into contact with who I did. I found that mental connection first. I think that is why I am in this state. Keep looking, be intelligent about your choices. I can't suggest seeking the mental connection first enough. I was only given a taste, but I couldn't have asked for it to have been a better experience both physically and mentally! How many people can say they have truly changed someone's life? I know of at least one.

IME it keeps changing...as you grow, your views, needs change..things you might have thought could never be a possibility, or even something you were interested in, can become your favourite things. That is what makes it so interesting and fun...it is a journey of discovery.

Catalina

 

[Caitlynne]

"Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me;
Other times, I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me ...
What a long, strange trip it's been."



Welcome to Lit!

 

[CynMarie]

Do some research on sub frenzy. There are some threads around here about it if the search function if feeling nice today. Good Luck

Well shit- it's got a name?!

Oh my. Between this and the sub-drop thread... I knew there was a reason I loved the internet.

 

[myinnerslut]

welcome to lit

i cast my vote for sub frenzy as well

 

[topmale84]

It is very interesting to hear a sub write an experience such as this. A couple years ago, I have (fortunately) been on the opposite end of this experience. More precisely, had the opportunity to introduce this topic to someone much like yourself. It was very interesting to watch her reaction. While it was much similar to yours, it was hard for her to put into words. Feelings came to the surface that may not have always been clear. It was truely a momentous experience.
Having said this, I offer you my two cents of advice. First, give yourself some time to work out your feelings. I know you are quite excited and axious (your posts certainly convey as such), and very shortly I believe you will come to understand and embrace how you feel. Fright now, some of this adrenaline may be caused by the novel experience in and of itself.
My second word of advice is to do exactly what you have been doing. Keep up the research, and more importantly keep talking, especially with whom you are in a relationship with. At risk of sounding stereotypical, communication is key, espcially in a dom/sub relationship. But then again, dom/sub relationships always seem to be the strongest and most fulfilling.
Therefore, I say congratulations. Embrace what you feel, make it your own. And never be afraid to speak up or ask questions. That's why were are here...

 

[madetotakeit]

I am taking time to collate the way I looked at every aspect in my life and my new perspective. I don't really think I have much choice in the matter right now. I can't seem to stop the thoughts from springing forth. I'm going back and forth between "Wow, everything has changed!" and "Oh shit, everything has changed." There are some serious questions in regards to my pre-sub relationship that I have to come to terms with.There are also some wonderful serious concepts I am enjoying mulling over.

 

[Homburg]

I am taking time to collate the way I looked at every aspect in my life and my new perspective. I don't really think I have much choice in the matter right now. I can't seem to stop the thoughts from springing forth. I'm going back and forth between "Wow, everything has changed!" and "Oh shit, everything has changed." There are some serious questions in regards to my pre-sub relationship that I have to come to terms with.There are also some wonderful serious concepts I am enjoying mulling over.

First, let me tell you how happy I am for you. we've pretty much all been there, and all had that moment when we realised "Yes, this is where I need to be". Tops go through it too. Much like topguy84 above, I've intro'ed a couple of people into the scene and the reaction is like this.

Second, I think that you are doing a good thing in researching. It's tough to think clearly, but by keeping as calm a head as possible, you'll come out ahead.

Third, please, please, for me, use paragraph breaks. Breathe occassionally. It helps

(The last line is a joking. I'm just kidding you. Don't sweat it, madetotakeit)

 

[madetotakeit]

I promise I will use paragraph breaks. Normally I use excellent form when writing. I hadn't noticed until you pointed it out that I am typing the way my mind is going!

It does appear I haven't been breathing much. I wondered why I have been turning blue! Funny, I am very sure I have no interest in breath play!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

IME it keeps changing...as you grow, your views, needs change..things you might have thought could never be a possibility, or even something you were interested in, can become your favourite things. That is what makes it so interesting and fun...it is a journey of discovery.

Catalina

I couldn't agree with you more here Cat. I feel that the ever changing aspect of the journey just lends to the deliciousness of it all even more. How boring it would all get if it stayed the same... might as well go "vanilla"

Here's a few links I was able to get the search engine to give up. Gotta know how to ask nicely I guess.

am I SUPPOSED to feel like this?
"Sub Frenzy" & Similar Stuff
Submissive Frenzy

 

[madetotakeit]

Thanks for posting those links Dixi. Guess I have to work on my "please" and "may I's" even with the search engine!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Thanks for posting those links Dixi. Guess I have to work on my "please" and "may I's" even with the search engine!

LOL... I've had a few years of practice with the search engine. You're quite welcome for the links.

 

[twysted73]

Hello madetotake it. *winks* I'm glad it helps you being here. It is quite a wonderful and supportive thread. Keep searching. There's so much here....so many good people.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm glad you are happy and excited about D/s. Next time please use short paragraphs when writing something like this up. When you are in a frenzy it's difficult to remember to take things slow and as a journey instead of a race but oh what joy there is to be had from such intense feelings. Good for you.

 

[madetotakeit]

Hello madetotake it. *winks* I'm glad it helps you being here. It is quite a wonderful and supportive thread. Keep searching. There's so much here....so many good people.

I couldn't agree more. It's wonderful to read advice and thoughts by people who understand where I am at!

 

[Homburg]

I promise I will use paragraph breaks. Normally I use excellent form when writing. I hadn't noticed until you pointed it out that I am typing the way my mind is going!

It does appear I haven't been breathing much. I wondered why I have been turning blue! Funny, I am very sure I have no interest in breath play!

Okay, I officially like you. This response actually made me laugh

By the by, do yourself a HUGE favour and read the "Sub drop" thread. It is a goldmine of information about a topic that you may have hit, and/or probably will hit.